Sleepover at 7
Last night BM sent DH an email to INFORM him that SD who is only 7, was on a sleepover at her friend's house next door.
I have two problems with this:
1) She didn't consult DH, I think she should have said something to him, I would like to know where my child is spending the night.
2) I know its only next door, but I still don't necessarily agree with this. With how sick this world is and so many child abductions, I want my child to be safe and sound in a place I'm familiar with.
I just don't think a 7 year old who can't even brush her teeth without being told to do so, can't pick up her dirty clothes after taking a shower, etc... should be allowed to sleep at a friend's house.
I know at that age, I absolutely was not allowed, not until I was about 15 years old AND only one time at a friend's that my mom knew since kindergarten.
What do you guys thing?
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My 7 year old has had a
My 7 year old has had a couple of sleepovers with close friends whose parents I know well. I don't see a problem with it as long as the adults in question know each other reasonably well.
She has also had a friend sleep over (also 7) and it was fine.
My kids had sleepovers at age
My kids had sleepovers at age 6. In our school, it is a common to do a sleepover (same sex only) in first grade for kid's birthday. For DD we had 8 little girls overnight.
Next door is pretty close should a problem arise. As for brushing teeth and showering, my kids never did at a friend's house. Too much fun to stop and bath. They always got a bath first thing after getting home the next day. Now that they are tweens the girls do shower at their friends when staying over.
I don't see anything wrong
I don't see anything wrong with it.
Who knows, maybe she wore her pjs over so no need to worry about showering/clean up.
If BM has to run everything past BD, he will have to do the same down the road. Do you really want to deal with that?
The thing is that if it had
The thing is that if it had been US doing it without asking HER, it would have been a big deal.
And yes, I think BOTH parents should always know where their kids are sleeping. Granted, not all parents are both very involved with the kids but both parents are just as involved in the kid's life, They should know. I understand some deadbeats, or people that see the kid every few weeks etc... or people that only provide financially with not much decision making.
Would you be okay if your kid slept at a friend's house without you knowing?
That is no micromanaging at
That is no micromanaging at all... is where your kid WILL be sleeping by him/her self... that is def. a pretty big deal to me.
What if its a really bad area, lots of crime, etc? What if something happens and you need to see your kid like an emergency, I mean that are a million reasons why you should know where your kid is spending the night.
Perfect, it is her business,
Perfect, it is her business, from now on, whatever the heck the DAD wants to do, she should just step back. Problem is she doesn't get this.
It's not so bad, really, I
It's not so bad, really, I still have friends I went to school with from earlier than age 7 and I really, truly, never ONCE, gave any thought to responsibilities at that age.
If they are co parenting and in close communication then, yes, she could have told him.
This was right next door, right? Both parents are probably good friends and I really do not see a problem with it. I am guessing the friend is the same age as SD, so the other parent will likely know to remind her to do all of the things like pick up and brush teeth etc.
I know when my own were smaller they had friends over as early as age 5 with the little girl next door too. All the kids in my community were pretty good friends, for the most part, and I was good friends with their parents too. We sometimes arranged sleepovers as a sitter thing too, it worked out well.
I never felt the need to know what was going on over there unless there was something that the SKids told us that they were not happy about.
I explained my issues. #1: I
I explained my issues.
#1: I don't think a 7 year old should be staying at friend's house. I don't think she is "mature enough" I would say at least at 10 years old. I know is next door, but SD doesn't even know any of her parents' phone number should there be a problem.
A kid that could be allowed to sleep somewhere, should be a kid that knows the phone number and address of the parents (address irrelevant as it is next door)
SO CLEARLY, my main concern is the child. And I'm trying to put myself in that position and unless it was a close friend (MY best friend since kindergarten) or someone like that, I wouldn't let my child anywhere...
The second problem is that she WOULD have been upset if it had been US, letting SD sleep somewhere else without letting her know. Double standards.
No big deal. She was right
No big deal. She was right next store, so I am sure the BM knew her. We don't discuss anything that happens on our time with BM and she doesn't with us. We used to, but not anymore. It is her time, you can't micromanage it. You can only control what happens on your time, unless the child is in danger, than you have to go back to court. Judges don't like micromanaging the other parent.
I'm sorry, but as a parent, I
I'm sorry, but as a parent, I would NEED to know at the very LEAST, where my kid is spending the night.
Micromanaging is like trying to know where do they take the kid, what does the kid eat, at what time does he/she sleep, what does he/she watch... etc... THATS absurd.
But knowing (at the very least the first time it happens) where the kid will be sleeping and spending about 12 hours, is very important (as a parent) to me.
I have two problems with
I have two problems with this:
1) She didn't consult DH
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Does DH have a problem with her not consulting him? I would not think to have consulted my ex if out child was spending the night next door. IMHO…that is controlling.
I also don’t see a problem with her having sleep overs at the next door neighbors.
Yes he has a problem with
Yes he has a problem with this. And would YOU care if your ex let the kid sleep somewhere else without telling you anything?
Calm down woman... have a
Calm down woman... have a sip of water and take a chill pill... maybe you should read all the posts before beating the dead horse?
Who said she is neglecting her child? to each its own. Although I wouldn't (or DH) let SD go, I know and have said it many times, she is not my child.
ALL im saying is that if she expects to be the only decision maker while SD is there, than she should expect DH to be the only decision maker while SD is here. But of course, that is seldom the case.
You sound like you are
You sound like you are getting angry and I don’t know why. YOU asked for opinions. Is it just that most don't agree with YOU?
My EX is not around, but I really do not think I would mind a bit. Now if I found out that he let the kids stay with the homeless guy on the street, I would be pissed. But not his next door neighbor.
You had to repeat the post?
You had to repeat the post? LOL
Okay, I did want opinions, I want to truly see both sides of the issue, not just mine. But saying "micromanaging" is a little bit stretched. Because that is actually a BIG deal, especially the FIRST time it happens.
Sorry, a 7 year old's mind is very vulnerable. How do you know if the dad/mom looks like a great person but behind closed doors he/she is a perv? how to know that the older brother is not going to be a perv as well? What if they child goes missing? yes, children do go missing while they sleep, it has happened, still happens and will keep happening. What if the child does inappropriate things with the other child (SD has done that before with another girl)?
You might say, well, but I know them (they might know them "well", but they have only been living in that house for much less than a year) I think is too big of a risk to just take for the "sake of having fun".
I have come to learn that SD seems to "forget" her manners, and the things we have taught her when she is in a different environment. She also lies and covers a lot of things because she doesn't want to get "friends" in trouble, and that is def. not a good thing...
At the end of the day, is true, she is not my child, and ultimately, and though I am protective of her, the decision is not mine. DH thinks she should have consulted him, but he didn't make a big deal out of it, really.
When we took SD to my country of origin, BM wanted to micromanage every little detail of it (she was going to be with her dad and myself at all times) She needed the address, the activities we would be doing, the type of area, people that lived in the house, etc... a whole report.
We are just going to use this to our advantage and make decisions without consulting her. For example cutting her hair, having the "talk" etc...
"Boiled down, her mother knew
"Boiled down, her mother knew where she was. It's her mother's responsibility to make sure her child is safe"
In another country, her father knew where she was at all times, and it was HIS responsibility to make sure the chils is safe.
And after the hair is cut, it grows back. But after you are touched inappropriately when you are a child, that never goes away.
she is her MOTHER, and Dh is her FATHER.
I understand that you have
I understand that you have your own opinion on this, but clearly the peanut gallery is pretty universally in disagreement with you. If this was a problem for you, you and your DH should discuss it with the mother.
For me, no, I do not require my XH to tell me every time DD sleeps at someone else's house. Nor do I expect him to, nor do I tell him.
We are just going to use this
We are just going to use this to our advantage and make decisions without consulting her. For example cutting her hair, having the "talk" etc...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WOW. You are going to make a war over this silly little sleep over!! I hope you re think this line of thinking. It will bite you, your DH and your SD in the butt. I will step out of this blog, because you obviously do not want to hear anything but agreement with your way of thinking.
Is not WAR. I'm not saying we
Is not WAR. I'm not saying we will sit down and think "uhmmm, what can we do to get her mad?" is just that if there is a decision like that to be made in the future, we will probably just not consult her.
That's very mature of you.
That's very mature of you. Maybe you should take a step back, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that this child has a mother, who unless she has proven to make very poor decisions in the past, is capable of caring for her on her own parenting time.
Get a grip.
I guess you need to re-read
I guess you need to re-read what I just posted ^ go ahead take your time
maybe you will get it.
If that did not help, well, here it goes...
I am NOT planning on "revenge" is just that she expects to have a say in all decisions concerning SD, and from now on, this one way road needs to stop. We will have the same "decision-making" power that she has had without consulting, to make it EVEN...
Is not fair, that she micromanages and expects her father to just deal with HER decisions.
And yes, she has made poor decisions in the past...
Did you read the part where I
Did you read the part where I talk about how its even for the MOTHER and FATHER... ???? I am talking about the father's decision making power, not mine.
The only one who can fight
The only one who can fight for his decision making power when it comes to BM, is your DH. You indicated he was NOT ok with her spending the night at the neighbors, but didn't stand up much about it.
In turn, when you took her out fo the country and BM was asking all the "what" questions - did your DH stand up and say when she's with you, you don't have to tell me, so I don't have to review every detail with you?
These situations are never equal. But ultimately, if there is going to be any kind of equality, your DH HAS to stand up for that with his Ex. If he doesn't, and you get angry because there isn't equality in the decision making, you can only be upset with him for not standing up for himself. Not BM - she's been conditioned - she knows he won't.
I also agree with other posters - neighbor next door vs. another country. I'd be full of questions too.
She is the childs mother.
She is the childs mother. Bottom line. Truthfully I don't want crazo calling to run every detail of the skids lives by us, and I don't want her to expect us too.
If there is one thing I have learned....The SM is not the Mom or the dad. She just is....
7 is about right for a sleep over. It's pretty common. My daughter started having people stay over about that age and they would play barbies for hours.
I am sorry you are worried. I worry sometimes about the skids too. But really I am not the mom. So I pray and trust that God will keep them safe. I don't agree with most of what crazo does, but I know she loves her kids.
Agree^^
Agree^^
Thanks for your replies. SOME
Thanks for your replies. SOME of you did help me understand that it really isn't that big of a deal. Maybe it is just the way I was brought up, or the horror stories I have heard.
This will definitely help me with my own children, to understand that is actually more common than what I thought. I still think 7 might be a little too young but it also depends on the child's maturity level.
I can see where you'd want DH
I can see where you'd want DH to be informed of this, but honestly I'm not sure this is always going to happen. When we have skids we don't always tell BM everything. If SS spends the night with our friend's (they have a son same age) SO doesn't call and tell her. SS just tells her what he did when he got home.
BM doesn't call to tell SO that SD is spending the night at a friend's house either. I think in this situation you have to trust that each parent is asking the right questions and making the right decisions.
It is sad that at 6 your skid can't brush their own teeth.
Hi Gia, I can see both sides
Hi Gia,
I can see both sides to this. I know you care about SD and that is wonderful. But we aren't these kids moms, and these kids have moms and dads to make decisions for them.
I think if you decide to use this situation against BM in the future, it will not only hurt DH and yourself but SD as well. At least BM notified DH of where SD was spending the night. A lot of dads don't even get that.
I also think the two situations you descried are very different. You and DH took SD to a foreign country. BM just let her spend 1 night with a neighbor. If my child were in a foreign country, yes, I'd want to be asked if she can take the trip and be given the cell phone numbers and hotel numbers/information of the adults supervising her. In this case, though, she's staying in the country and BM or DH can easily pick her up from the neighbor's house, or get there or to the hospital in case of an emergency. The neighbor also probably has BM's home phone number, at the very least.
I agree going out of the
I agree going out of the country for 2 weeks, is different than one night at a neighbor's. But my whole point is that she wasn't going by herself. She was going with her FATHER, so based on letting the "other parent" make the right decisions for the child, then DH is in charge, and her opinions do not matter, right?
A child is safer with a parent for 2 weeks, than with a stranger for 1 night (I think)
It took her "years" to let her child travel out of the country, it was a lot of "convincing"...
She also requires to be informed when SD is going to have her hair blowdryed, etc...
Again, if she wants to know
Again, if she wants to know when the child's hair is blown dry and your DH gives in to the request by humoring her, be upset with your DH that he is not standing up and saying anything.
She is going to push buttons wherever she is allowed. Unfortunately, thats the name of the game with most of these women we deal with.
You're going to start a
You're going to start a vindictive game of tit for tat over a sleep over??? You asking for trouble.
(No subject)
}:)
My kids did sleepovers at
My kids did sleepovers at least once a month starting at about age 6 or 7. It never in a million years would have occurred to me to inform my ex-husband about the sleepover.
Shouls I also assume that
Shouls I also assume that never in a million years you would have thought that your husband should have said something to you about your kids sleeping somewhere else. (???)
I do not consult my exh when
I do not consult my exh when my kid have sleepovers, he does not consult me. Each parents has the right to parent and make decisions about their children's care and wellbeing withOUT consulting the other parent.
That is part of joint legal custody-nobody has to consult the other really.
A sleepover and out of the county are entirely different ballgames-what age was your SD when you went out of the country also?
The fact of the matter Gia is, not even your DH is as upset as you are about this. If anything seems like you might be helping to get him worked up more then he would. In step world..one thing that doesn't work is an over-controlling, meddling, micomanaging stepparent lol. Just doesn't.
Let the parents decide-as for your anxiety about pervs in the world...that's life, we all have to deal w/those fears. Either counseling or meds can help also
SD was the same age, this was
SD was the same age, this was just a month ago. And nobody here seems to understand that my whole point is not me micromanaging.
Is simply that BM expects to have a say on everything, but she doesn't consult DH...
Notice how I didn't say "doesn't consult me"
She is not my child, whatever, but DH is her father, and BM seems to think that as a mom, she has more say than as a father on the child's life.
"Is simply that BM expects to
"Is simply that BM expects to have a say on everything, but she doesn't consult DH...
Notice how I didn't say "doesn't consult me"
She is not my child, whatever, but DH is her father, and BM seems to think that as a mom, she has more say than as a father on the child's life"
Gia...ok...a couple of things here. Are you sure you aren't just getting mad FOR HIM, on principle, because YOU feel he shoudl be consulted about these things-or becasue the mom tries to micromanage you? Not sure how wanting info on traveling out of the country is micro-managing...and at age 7 you think a mom should be ok with this no problem while you can't handle the thought of her next door w/neighbors. See the double standard?
Mom could be thinking-what if somethign happens in the plane, she gets lost, she's hours away from me, i don't know sm's family or friends-who's to say they aren't perverts, who's to say dad isn't watching her 24/7 like a hawk (which is impossible unless you're superman)....and something could happen w/some relative, cousin, at the airport, etc. You are mad because she was demanding of information about traveling out of the country....so now you're pissed because you (i mean dh) didnt' get consulted about an overnight next door.
Look-my parents were very strict but I do remember sleepovers starting at that age. Not a big deal. Parents will make decisions like this w/out consulting the other parent to whom they are DIVORCED from.
Who has custody? Physical, joint? And you know what...honestly though...moms just normally ARE the ones that handle these kind of things and decisions. Even in intact two parent homes, moms arrange sleeopovers, do the socializing, arrange bday parties, take kids to bday parties...dads are most of the time clueless as to what mom has planned with kids. That's just part of life and how men/women relate differently to kids when it comes to certain roles/areas of life. They parent different-and kids need both.
Moms make more daily decisions and care overall with children-dads offer a JUST as important role in their kids lives that is different then moms. It just is, sorry.
I dont' recall us going to dad for a sleepover or daily activities (social, school, etc)-unless repeated attempts to convince mom didn't work lol..but she didn't have to talk to him about it first before making a decision
Parents decide what to do all the time on their own-they each have a rigth in their own home to do this. NOW-if you're upset becasue she demands from you guys what she doesn't (have to) give to you? Then decide for yourself whether you or dh will share anything w/her where it's not her bsns.
Honestly-in divorced homes I really think it's best if each home has their own rules and responsibilities and not meddle in any way w/the other parents/household/decision process.
Did you mean my ex-husband?
Did you mean my ex-husband? My kids are only with him for a few days a couple of times a year. They don't really have any friends at their dad and stepmom's house. But if they did, I wouldn't expect a call. They go camping and on little trips while they are with him. I don't know about it until they get home. My ex has a cell and so do my kids. If there were problem, they would call me.
On the flip side, we have custody of my stepkids as well. Their mother would think I was nuts if I called every time they spent the night with a friend. I definitely keep her informed of the big stuff....school/church trips, medical issues, school stuff. But not routine things like sleepovers?
Gia, I don't understand WHY
Gia, I don't understand WHY this is a big issue with you. You are sounding a bit like a micromanaging control freak.
I'm surprised BM even TOLD you guys about the sleepover.
She is SD's mother. She knew where she was. It was on her time.
Time to cool it. This stuff will make you totally nuts if you let it.
As a SM, it never bothered me for SD to have a sleepover. As a BM, if a SM was telling me how wrong it was, I'd laugh in her face.
My DD is 11 now, and has been having sleepovers for years...
Take a deep breath and remind yourself that you cannot control everything in this world. If you try, you will fail. And that's just frustrating
Once again, you don't get
Once again, you don't get it.
I never said that BM has to consult with me anything about SD. Granted, she doesn't, I don't expect her.
She said something about the sleepover AFTER the fact, so the day after.
I DO expect her to tell DH these things beforehand, OR to stop trying to have control of what goes on in this household.
If the roles were different, she would have been mad if DH didn't tell (ask) her about it...
D O U B L E S T A N D A R D S
"I DO expect her to tell DH
"I DO expect her to tell DH these things beforehand, OR to stop trying to have control of what goes on in this household.
If the roles were different, she would have been mad if DH didn't tell (ask) her about it...
D O U B L E S T A N D A R D S"
GIa, read my post above to you. IMO-YOU are wrong to expect her to tell DH beforehand. YOU are NOT wrong to expect her to stop meddling in YOUR affairs at your house.
ALso-it seems you all are battling some double standards here. This is not something you want to win. It isn't your or dh's place to know beforehand what mom does on her parenting time.>>>SAME goes for mom.
If you expect BM to consult
If you expect BM to consult with DH on every single little thing, like sleeping next door, BEFORE the fact, you are setting yourself up for a BUNCH of frustration.
I get it.
Do you?
I'm glad you're not married to my ex. This kinda crap would make me INSANE.
YES, she should NOT be controlling what goes on in your household.
Oh, that makes sense. I
Oh, that makes sense. I didn't go back and read. Should have.
Although, I've read that's also considered trolling... oh, well.
Gia is 22? It makes more sense. I was a wife, mom, and sm at 20. I know for a fact that I let a LOT of things ruffle my feathers with BM when I was younger. I hated that she married him first, had his kid first, had his first cruise, bought a house with him first, etc., etc.
Now, I realize it's all part of life. Wish I learned it sooner, though.
Those posts are VERY old, and
Those posts are VERY old, and if is not the issue I have right now, why even bring it up? CLEARLY my issue right now is the opposite (lack of communication) so your point is absolutely not valid. Thanks for visiting my page though, and taking the time to read through my junk
I figure you're about 25 now.
I figure you're about 25 now. Would you say you have more experience as a SM now than 3 years ago? I think that's all we're saying.
And, really, I think BM communicated TOO MUCH with your DH. Why should she tell him SD had a sleep over? I wouldn't have. It's none of his business. But she DID tell him. Now you're complaining she didn't communicate it at the right time. This is just wonky. You have at least eleven - count them, ELEVEN, more years of this. Pick your issues and your battles wisely, or you will be well worn out before the marathon is over...
22, but been a member for 3+
22, but been a member for 3+ years...
I don't get it, either. It's a SLEEPOVER, next door even!!
@Stepdown WOW....kinda rude
@Stepdown WOW....kinda rude don't you think?
Cut her some slack because of age/maturity level. Wow....just Wow....
We all know that with age
We all know that with age comes wisdom. I just think pointing out her age is discrediting the validity of her feelings.
Many of us do not agree with her line of thinking, including me. However, for her in her circumstances the anger and her point are very real. Who are any of us to "poo poo" someone's opinions or feelings because they are only X age.
Hope you don't think I was attacking, I just think maybe the comment could make her more defensive. And we all know when we get defensive, our ears shut down and we stop listening, and then everything is an issue.
With good intent, middle-aged bitter milf
Some people on these boards
Some people on these boards got a warning once for pointing out someones age and behaving as if that person could not possibly know what she was doing because she wasn't 50 or 30, or whatever some posters think the magical cut off age is. Just saying.
I think they said it was age
I think they said it was age discrimination.
Well, as far as BM's go, you might have me beat on that one-can you top that my BM was sleeping with my next door neighbor in an attempt to get DH back? LOL It was just awesome waking up and seeing her "hoopdie" parked right out my garage door. UGH.
Hoopdie.......Laughing my ass
Hoopdie.......Laughing my ass off.....
Nothing like creating
Nothing like creating memories for her own daughter! What a piece!
Gia, I don't think
Gia,
I don't think "expecting" anything of BM, even in regards to your DH, is a good idea. She's not going to know your expectations, and she's not going to care about them, even if she did know what they were/are. I think expecting anything of her, even in regards to your DH, is just a waste of your precious energy and thoughts. Once you stop expecting anything of her, you won't feel as stressed due to her.
Also, going to another country is different. Do BM and SD know the language of this country? If anything had happened to SD while you were there with her, BM would have been at least one plane ride away. If anything happens to SD while she's at the neighbor's, DH can just hop in his car and wouldn't have to worry about not understanding someone due to a language barrier.
It might be best to just follow DH's lead on this. If it bothered him but he seems to have moved past it, that might be your best option too.
And that is absolutely what I
And that is absolutely what I will do. I will not mention this to him, just gonna get over it. end of it.