Relationship Incrementalism
A few weeks ago, I became acutely aware that I'd lost myself. I had made myself so busy being concerned about, mitigating and trying to fix bf and BH's problems (that they either feign helplessness over or are not concerned about), that I lost me. I've spent most of my life single because this always happens. When I'm single, I decide what I want and go for it. I may not always get exactly what I started out wanting, but usually wind up with a close or better result.
So how do I manage to stop looking after me in a close relationship? Settling for increasingly less than what I want or deserve and even reaching the point of denying or ignoring that I want what I want? Those I've given my 'all' to go on about their satisfied way(s), annoyed because I complain of feeling drained and empty. I am going to name this "relationship incrementalism."
In my case, I came into my relationship as a relatively responsible adult with reasonable expectations and a fair understanding of healthy boundaries. I was slow to realize and responded inappropriately to bf having no skills to pick out what his priorities and responsibilities truly are, and (apparently) not working from a foundation where defined expectations or boundaries exist. The result was my eventually assuming way too many of bf's basic responsibilities and the constant erosion of my boundaries ("until there were none").
I truly want to enjoy a close, healthy relationship with a man before I grow ancient and give up the ghost. Just dump the present bf and sit prim with my hands folded in my lap and halo over my head, expecting to magically meet my soul mate who offers everything I want? Maybe better left for romance novels...
What I have control over is not who I meet, but my responses and actions towards the people in my life. I have fallen down here. That's not a bad thing. Now that I'm aware of it, I can examine what's been happening and find better or more effective ways of responding to and dealing with issues in close interpersonal relationships, and caring for myself within them.
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Comments
Nice post. I can relate.
Nice post. I can relate.
I have read your blog 3 times
I have read your blog 3 times now! Boy does it hit home. After my divorce, I promised myself I would never be an enabler again. That I would value me. Not loose what I wanted in a relationship. I too am very responsible have a great job, own my own home, have great friends.
I promise myself I would Stop taping, gluing and fixing everyone and everything.
Like you I realize I had given in, and lost some of what I really wanted with BF. So I had a heart to heart with me first. Then with BF and told him where I had crossed the line. That my boundaries where no longer heathly for me or us. I told him what I needed, wanted, and expected.
That I would no longer do x, y, and z. Fortunately I had not totally lost myself. So BF agreed that what I was saying was healthy for me, the fskids, and himself. So he and I made the adjustments.
Life is too short to do without what you really want and need.
I wish you well and pray that you do find someone to share you life with, and that he wants you to be a happy too.
That's exactly what happened
That's exactly what happened to me this morning. I told him I didn't want to spend an hour and a half in the car to go get the skids because, frankly, I would rather go to the grocery store alone and get what we need than to have to drag them along before we go home and start dinner. Then, we don't end up eating until after 8 which kills any chance of an early bedtime. Why do I have to lose myself to become attached at the hip to kids that don't care? Oh yeah... because if I'm not there, he actually has to talk to them and interact....
Initially, I didn't
Initially, I didn't necessarily care what bf thought when I defined or set a boundary. However, I let myself be conditioned by his responses to them. If he didn't actively fight me on it (which was often the case), he simply ignored and continued to violate the newly defined boundary. Certainly that's rude, inconsiderate behavior on his part, but my retreating (from shock or fear?) and ultimately abandoning my expectations and boundaries are what I have within my power to correct.
I told bf on Monday that he had until today make a new living arrangement for himself and BH. That's not going to happen just yet. They have nowhere to go. Granted, this is not my problem, but I see a growth and learning opportunity in their staying. It's time for me to experience what it is to firmly establish my expectations and boundaries for our interpersonal living; and confidently stick with them. There will be rent and a printed, signed tenancy agreement. Expectations, boundaries and the consequences for disregarding them will be clear.
I've emptied my head of hopes and illusions about a future or romantic relationship with bf. What we have now is an immediate performance based and measured relationship established in the tenancy agreement. One day at a time, one step at a time.
You sound like the type of
You sound like the type of person who wants to "fix" others...and by fixing I mean helping. You have a good soul who wants what's best for others. I can relate to this...it became kind of a family joke that I always had a friend who was falling through the cracks (back in high school) that I was trying to "save". Basically I had to come to these realizations:
You can't change people if they don't want to change.
You can't expect people to do what YOU would do in any given situation.
You end up starving yourself because you are trying to feed others. It is noble but only when it's appreciated. If you have that desire to help in you, try to focus it on a more generic cause -- volunteering at a homeless shelter or something. Let those people close to you make their own decisions about life.
Mirror, mirror, SteppingUp.
Mirror, mirror, SteppingUp. You have just given me your directions to "fix" myself.
Should I recognize any active efforts on my part to change bf or BH, I will redirect my focus and efforts to what is within my control and power to change - myself. That is what I recognized and have actively began correcting in the past week. I feel a lot better since changing my approach and focus. Should I make mistakes or grow lax over time, I have this break through point for reference. If my new approach doesn't work, that's not failure, just a nudge to keep my eyes, mind and heart open to growing in my understanding; and learning how to constructively and effectively deal with my problems.
Sing it Sister!!! I suspect
Sing it Sister!!!
I suspect that you and the others that commented are at the stage in their lives when the only people left to feel responsible for are themselves.
It's a powerful revelation and it feels soooooo good to regain control over your own destiny.
I too feel like I have lost
I too feel like I have lost myself. I am a currently married with a step wife from hell that is trying to ruin my husbands and my life. We have a one year old together and she has an 11 yr. old with him. They have been divorced for 6 years and basically when they divorced he gave her everything and beyond. She is now refusing to tell DH where she lives with his son, and refuses to communicate with him regarding anything important about their son. I cannot figure out why she is choosing to take the little bit we have left financially, and in the mean time we can barely afford to pay our lawyer to continue to fight her. We have submitted husbands finacials long ago for a modification but because she is refusing to submit hers and is doing everything to stall the fact that she does eventually have to produce them, we cannot do anything about it. His last paycheck was 90% to her and 10% to us. During a deposition a few weeks ago that she called for (another delay tactic) she flat out lied or refused to answer our lawyers questions even though we have proof to disprove her lies and that was communicated to her in the deposition. My husband did excellent and her attorney said that he did not want to use any of his deposition because there was nothing that he could "catch him on". I feel so bad for their son and we put him in counseling a while ago because of this mess. I cannot prevent this from consuming me when she is such a greedy and self centered person, truly the most self centered I have ever met. When it affects me and my family to such an extent I can't help but feel like I am going crazy and losing myself...sometimes I feel like I should leave but physically I can't when I have 3 kids of my own and work full time. There are so many reasons why I feel trapped. I have no idea what to do.
I am regretful for your pain,
I am regretful for your pain, trappedone, and have certainly put myself through no shortage of similar. Best I can offer is deliberately make some "me" time for yourself. Remove the energy and focus from bm and put it on you. Go to a CoDA meeting if there are any in your area. There are plenty of good CoDA or Melody Beattie codependency books if you can't find a meeting or get away from home easily.