thinking, thoughts, and a small rant

I've said this before, this is the first time I've ever even dated anyone with kids/a kid. There's damn good reason for that-and for me not wanting children, ever. I work hard, have an amazing career that I love. I have many friends, an extended family which already includes children TO WHOM I AM RELATED, and really enjoy doing whatever the hell I feel like doing.

I'm not irresponsible or selfish enough to need a copy of myself in the world...or to live off of a man or the state.

So I'm with the Mister. And every day it feels to me like I just shouldn't even start anything more serious. Why? Not because of him, necessarily- but

how can I respect someone who slept with dumptruck? not only slept with, but married and bred?

how can I deal with the fact that we disagree on such a fundamental issue? meaning, I think breeding is reckless and selfish in this era; I don't think kids are meaningful...and I dislike them. He is obligated to care for a child that he helped produce...

it just seems like every little thing he does that bothers me, my first thought is "why am I even with you, you're a parent..."

I don't find parenthood attractive, it actually grosses me out to see dads with their kids out and about. when a single dad (or not single, whatever) is out someplace with a kid, talking to it loud and goofy trying to draw my attention to it, I find it really pathetic and a little revolting...

I do fine as long as there's no real annoyances with the Mister. But it seems like as soon as anythign bothers me, my first thought is this. I immediately remember that he has spawned (with someone gross) and has this baggage, and I think to myself that I am ALREADY making compromises, why should I make any more?

I do love the Mister. This just was something I was thinking about today.

and to rant- dads out in public are gross to me. for real. dude, showing me that your dick worked doesn't make you attractive. maybe that line works on some women, but not me, so .... move on?

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Wow...I'm thinking that you

Wow...I'm thinking that you should not be with this man. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. You should find a man who feels the same as you. I'm really not seeing a lot of love in your post. The way you talk about him is pretty disrespectful. You certainly do have a unique perspective!

You always feel grand about

You always feel grand about your partner having children not related to you, yes?

You've never thought about these things?

...if you are a parent to your own, I am sure then, that this post is kind of irrelevant to your situation.

If I was always happy with DH

If I was always happy with DH having kids, I wouldn't be here. Actually, the kids aren't my problem, his ex is, but only because she's a whack job and causes us mucho stress.

I do not have kids of my own.

I have not thought about those things the way that you think about them. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with not wanting kids, just don't date somebody that has them if you feel THAT strongly about it, which it appears you do.

it never occurs to you to

it never occurs to you to wonder how on earth someone you love CHOSE to be involved with BM? Seriously? His past relationship with her never occurred to you?

I think with a shitty BM it'd be even harder to respect my SO. It doesn't make you look at him differently to see that baggage?

Why should I judge DH by BM's

Why should I judge DH by BM's actions? Again, I have to ask, haven't you ever dated a jerk? Should I judge you because you did? My main concern is how DH treats me, how we interact now.

I've dated one jerk, I left

I've dated one jerk, I left him when I discovered what he was...and never made any kind of lifelong commitment to him, and have always been responsible with birth control.

I shouldn't judge him by her actions I know, it's just...how can he have reproduced with someone he dislikes so much? and especially when he didn't want children? You know what I mean?

He treats me very well...I just have this thought in my mind, you understand.

Did he dislike her then?

Did he dislike her then? Just try to keep in mind that he didn't PLAN to reproduce with her, if that helps any. I feel sorry for the child in all this.

They were together for

They were together for several years. He has a mental illness which was not being treated at the time, and he loved her. Until he came home from the military and was around her all the time. At that point he disliked her and decided to leave.

I feel sorry for the kid in some ways but not others- his mom is dumb but she loves him and takes the best care of him she can, it seems. she has a live-in partner who also has a kid, the two get along very well. The Mister does everything he must and many other things as well for the Kid, and nobody is unkind to him. The Mister has come to love him, treats him well.

So...in these respects I do not pity this kid at all. he has a pretty good life, better than what I had at his age. and even I approve of CS and helped the kid rearrange his room at the house (yes, the once a month kid has two rooms, one at each house, of his own.)

The only reason I feel bad for him is because he was conceived as a trap, not as a human being, and because he was not a wanted child. His actual circumstances are not bad at all.

Neither was I, though, and my parents love me. I know that as the child of a very young mother in the days when abortion was illegal, I was not wanted nor planned. But I love my parents, because even though I wasn't wanted they loved me and did the best they could...

I know, I have to remind myself he didn't plan it and would take it all back if he could, thanks for the reminder.

He never wanted children. He

He never wanted children. He does not want to be a parent. Unfortunately, he is obligated to see to this responsibility (and has grown to love and care for his kid!) He is a very part-time, mostly uninvolved parent.

I am not walking into a "family"; I am dating a man who once was forced into parenthood by someone he no longer even speaks to. I don't think this is equivalent to dating a druggie. I dislike drugs intensely but would date someone who had six years of sobriety.

The Kid is a once-a-month kid. A single man, with no partner, who sees his kid that rarely, isn't a family in any imaginable definition.

I did not say I hate kids, either. The fact that you read that into my post says more about you, and your perspective, than mine. Not everything in this world is black and white. As I said, there are children I do love, who I am ACTUALLY RELATED TO. Do you understand the difference? I dislike most children. I don't want any of my own.

This child, would never be my own, would it?

He lives up to his

He lives up to his obligations. That does not mean he is happy about them.

Thanks for offering your perspective; I guess I was more venting than anything.

He was married, and they had agreed that she would use birth control until he was able to schedule a vasectomy. She purposely ceased. He asked her to abort, then offered to sign away his rights. what else should he have done?

(he did get a vasectomy.)

If he was an involved dad, or even had the urge to be, I wouldn't have dated him at all. The arrangement legally in place now is that in the event of something happening to bm, the Kid goes to her parents, and the Mister continues his weekend visits and CS to them. So...no, he does not want to get custody or be a fulltime parent, any more than I do.

Everyone's situation is different, but again- what else can you do? The Mister dislikes kids more than I do, actually. Where does that leave him?

I just see it like his past irresponsibility and misplaced trust...has screwed up my life now too. He should not have trusted her. But he did. Everytime I realize it, all I can think is "what an idiot!" and I know he is an intelligent man, but damn! It's hard to reconcile that with his stupid behavior back then.

again thanks for replying and thanks for listening to my rant and vent

It's a lot to deal with! Wow,

It's a lot to deal with! Wow, yeah.

And some kids are not wanted by both parents, that's just how life is.

His kid is his child. Not a

His kid is his child. Not a "once a month kid". What a horrible phrase. A father is a father 24 hours a day seven days a week. Clearly this is not the relationship for you. Even if the child was not planned, they are not a mistake.

So much of your blog is hard to read, but the gist of it is you don't like children. Fine, I completely get that, but then don't date someone with kids and then not understand how they fit into your SO's life. Being a parent is a life long commitment, not a once a month commitment.

Allow me to give more detail:

Allow me to give more detail: the Mister and I agree on many things. I love his ideas, his way of communicating. We share the same ideals. He's funny, and works hard, and does his best and that makes me respect him.

This is the only problem we have. I have read many others here, saying that if it were not for the skids, there would be very little trouble in their lives. I feel the same way-

his past actions disgust me, and have repercussions on my life which make it hard for me to put the past in the past.

I somehow doubt I am the only person in this world of insane, backstabbing BMs and awful, ill-made Skids that feels this way.

Although the childfree part may be more unusual, I know there are some others in my position in that sense too.

The world does not revolve around children; and if you think it should, you're some kind of starry-eyed rainbow shitter.

How do you respect your

How do you respect your partner when you know they CHOSE to be with BM?

When you know they made poor decisions that they now regret?

So you don't have a past? Is

So you don't have a past? Is this the first man you've been with? If you don't respect him, why be with him?

Like I said, this is the only

Like I said, this is the only issue I have with him, the only reason I have not to respect him.

How do you keep from feeling that way when someone has made poor decisions that now affect your life?

Most people don't get married

Most people don't get married thinking it's going to end in divorce and custody battles and child support. Most people who get married are in love and want to build a life together. They wanted to have children. Things happen...in DH's case, it was BM's mental illness.

How do I respect him? Easy...he's an awesome, loving, responsible man. His "decisions" affect my life because I choose to be part of his life. You don't have to let your bf's decisions affect your life.

I haven't always made great decisions. We ALL make mistakes. Hopefully, we learn, grow and move on. I don't feel DH's kids are a "bad decision" or "mistake". Do you want to be judged on things you have done in the past or on the person you are now?

That makes a lot of sense. In

That makes a lot of sense. In the Mister's case, he believed her when she agreed that they did NOT want children...They got married so that she could get health insurance through his VA plan. Seriously. They did love each other, yes, but didn't want to live together; had agreed they'd be childfree. When they broke up and she wanted to try to work things out is when she got pregnant, on purpose, to keep him there. Needless to say he then left for good. I do respect him for taking the responsible course and always paying CS; unlike a lot of SMs I hear complaining, I don't have any real problem with him paying that.

And yeah, he is awesome, and loving, and responsible...to me. now. But the bad decisions he made, and the mistakes (such as having unprotected sex with someone he did not want a child with) are still a big part of our lives, and that's just so hard.

The person I am now...I guess I don't have baggage of my own, so it is very hard to deal with his.

Baggage comes in many forms,

Baggage comes in many forms, not just children. I have chronic illnesses, which I consider baggage. DH deals with my days when I can't get out of bed, I deal with his kids. There are no perfect scenarios. You find somebody with more good than bad and learn to deal with the rest. If you cannot deal with something, move on. But you will never find anybody "baggage free".

great advice, thank you

I asked you some questions

I asked you some questions because you replied and I wanted to know more. why bother to say anything if you don't want to talk?

Your husband wanted to be a father, that is a very different situation than mine. There's a lot of different situations on the board here, but it's nice to hear about other people's, and to be able to vent about our own...I think eeveryone is just expressing their opinion, skids are an emotional topic, kids in general is an emotional topic for a lot of people

I wasn't intending to be defensive at you. Just eliciting more discussion.

out of curiosity, what mental illness did she develop? there's not too many that just pop up out of nowhere.

ah, that totally makes

ah, that totally makes sense.

Yeah I have many current reasons to respect my SO, I just get aggravated by thinking about this stuff at times. Thanks for putting your two cents in, really, I do want to hear other situations and thoughts.

"Yeah I have many current

"Yeah I have many current reasons to respect my SO, I just get aggravated by thinking about this stuff at times."

What really stinks about your situation is that it sounds like you have a really good relationship with your bf other than this one issue...the ONE thing you have a problem with is usually a "dealbreaker". That really stinks. Too bad it isn't that he snores or farts in public (although what man doesn't) or picks his toenails with your forks. Those are easy issues! I do wish you luck with your decision!

Oh, I don't know, that whole

Oh, I don't know, that whole fork thing might be worse!!!

For the record, my DH doesn't

For the record, my DH doesn't do that with forks! LOL

Deleted

None of the men I dated

None of the men I dated before have a tiny copy of themselves dipping into my wallet and showing up in my home once a month.

I know right...GOD it really

I know right...GOD it really is SO tough when they are a REPLICA of BM...I mean replica...well perhaps she looks somewhat like her real bio father whomever that is...WTF-I'm dealing w/a nightmare that isn't even his...

Both boys are a replica of

Both boys are a replica of the red headed giant.

The girl has GG's colouring, but I've lost so much respect for GG that I don't consider that an asset.

All three have the Behemoth's patented smirk and the "show every tooth in my head squinty eyed grin" (TM)

:sick: :sick: :sick:

I want to say this too;

I want to say this too; saying someone should "put their child first" and "you knew what you were getting into" are about the least helpful, least intelligent responses...

every horror story on this site has to do with men "putting children first" before their wives, or their health. none of us know what we are getting into until we are in it...

thanks though, for everything else, some really helpful replies from you guys. I guess I just have to either get over the fact that Mister was stupid, irresponsible, and bred with someone horrid, or I have to dump him.

I will however continue to vent here when I need to, until one of those things happens...

"none of us know what we are

"none of us know what we are getting into until we are in it..."

You can say that again!

I feel bad for the kid, but

I feel bad for the kid, but not because of you, not even because of his father, but because his mother, knowing your Mister didn't want kids, decided to not protect herself and put her needs to have a kid ahead of her possible child's needs. I have seen it happen with my own friends at least 3 times...Guy says "no kids or no more kids or not now...idiot woman gets off birth control, doesn't tell guy, gets preggo and is happy to tell me how she did it..." sigh...

I do however think that unfortunately, this will be a part of your life forever...how I wish I would have ran for the hills...So, if I were you, the best advice I can give you is to RUN, RUN, RUN...

There are plenty of men who don't want kids or can't have kids...Find someone else. Not for Mister's sake, not for the kiddo's sake, but for your own sanity.

And yes, I get the whole "it makes me sick to my stomach to know he slept with her...nasty, nasty, nasty..." I try to ignore it...alcohol seems to help

I can't say that I have very

I can't say that I have very much in common with you. I'm a mom and love it and want a dozen more. I probably won't have more than one though, even my first was a big surprise.
I do agree with you on the aspect of what am I bringing this child into!? What kind of world am I bringing this kid into. Which is why I probably won't have more no matter how much I love being a mom.
Second, I frequently think... How the F did you choose to be with your kids mother!? How did you WANT kids with that pos!? How can you want to be with me after you have been with THAT... Then to top it off how his kids are makes me sick. They are gross and horrible just like their mom.

I get what you are saying. I

I get what you are saying. I absolutely love my DH with everything I have. I completely hate the fact that he has children. Do I hate the children? No. But I do hate having to share my home and husband every other weekend. I love my husband, I merely tolerate my SD's. Maybe that's not a popular opinion. Maybe it's not the thing you are supposed to say. But it's the truth if I am being honest with myself.

And yes, I do think to myself, how could you procreate with this mess of a woman? She got pregnant because she is one of those who thinks using BC is against her religion (despite the fact that she hasn't been to a church in 20 years) and he married her because it was "the right thing to do." He was young and dumb and thought his life was over and kept procreating with her. She also has bi-polar disorder and manic depression but refused to take her medication and eventually cheated on him because he worked too much. Which, really, what choice did he have when she stayed at home and he had children to support.

Even though I do not approve of his past actions, it's something I tolerate because I care for him. But yes, these thoughts do cross my mind from time to time.

Finally! Someone who is being

Finally! Someone who is being totally honest with themselves.

And I have to admit, I tend toward that way as well. I've never EVER been the "coochie coo, pick up and hold the drooling baby" type.

I could never understand why all the teenage girls my age wanted to hold a new baby. Never appealed to me. I do enjoy WELL BEHAVED children with a thirst for knowledge. I do enjoy TEACHING children but to be a "ookie wookie he just spit up. . .isn't that sooooooooo CUTE???!!" just isn't me. I do have bios of my own but my parents were the same way with me. Not the coochie coo type in any sense of the word. They had high unspoken expectations for me that I simply fulfilled as my duty.

Here's a link for you:

http://www.childfree.net/potpourri_annlanders.html

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thinking, thoughts, and a small rant

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