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BM said to BF, "If you make SD move back in with me, that will be the end of your relationship with SS, me, and SD."

TryingSoHard's picture

Submitted by TryingSoHard on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 2:08pm

SDs behavior has gotten so bad (stealing, sneaking out, inviting people over when we're not home, coming home drunk and stoned, breaking into the house when she's supposed to be staying with BM, screaming obscenities in the yard at midnight, etc.) that we've been seriously considering making her move back in with her mom. We don't want to do this but we're at our wits end. Our relationship is in jeopardy and my serenity is totally destroyed.

DH talked to BM on the phone yesterday, asking if she would take SD back, should her behavior not improve. She agreed to take her back, but not after saying, "You should know that if that happens, that's going to be IT for SD, me and SS." She also said something about BF "giving up when things got hard." Guilt tripping.

Can you say PAS? This sounded like a threat to take the kids away from him for good. This behavior from her sucks, because she created the monster that is my SD. She had no discipline at her mom's house and was allowed to make all the rules.

BM also says to SD, "Your dad neglects you." This is code for "Your dad doesn't let you do whatever you want all the time, allow you to steal and stay out all night, take his car joyriding... I'm furious he doesn't live with MY FAT ASS anymore, which is his true calling in life."

I told BF he needs to revisit this topic with her and ask her to clarify her meaning. Knowing her, she's just being passive aggressive. She's still hung up on him and will take any kind of attention she can get from him, even negative attention. I'd like to add that she's never expressed an ounce of gratitude to me for taking her kids in and loving them as my own. She would prefer that I was a nasty bitch so she could hate me more openly.

Comments

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 2:29pm

Sounds exactly like what we had to go through with ours. It was absolutely awful, but I think sending her to her Mother's is the wrong choice. It's like admitting defeat, and I wasn't about to do that. Instead, stick with it, but don't let her get away with a single thing! Your SO needs to keep an eye on everything she does, there needs to be repercussions for breaking the rules. When she sneaks out at night, call the police, call every one of her friends and their parents, embarrass the crap out of her. Change the locks and make SURE she doesn't have a key to get in when you aren't around. Call the police if she's out screaming in the yard. She'll either straighten up, or go to her Mother's of her own accord (that's what ours did). If she does leave, at least you'll know you gave it your best. And when she matures and pulls her head out, she'll realize the same.

stepintexas's picture

Submitted by stepintexas on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 7:37am

We did all this too, and ended up with the same results- both teens moving back to their town they had lived in before my and DH's marriage. Not necessarily with their mother, either. They couch surfed on friend and family members, and I suppose, Dh's daughter is still couch surfing.
Anyway, it is an awful lot of work and stress to do things this way, three years of it for us, and all sorts of chaos. It cost us big time. I would suggest making her go back to BM and let the chips fall where they may, even if it means that your DH will not have a relationship with his kids. Unless, you want all the drama and chaos hanging on brings.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 09/20/2011 - 2:44pm

I agree. Make her life difficult and she will beg to go back to mom's. Ours did and thankfully we have the nice Stepkid now.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 2:05am

Given that SD is old enough to drive and get drunk - I am not really sure I understand how the BM can "take the kids away from him" - you can do this with little kids but I don't see how BM would have that much influence once they get into their mid teens.
But anyhow it strikes me that it might be quite nice if she took this particular kid away for a while at least! Then when BF feels like he might want to resume their relationship she maybe will have learned a little sense (or not, actually - oh well. )