SO wants me to be something that I can't
He wants me to be SS6's mother - more or less. After BM 'borrowed' the kids one night for a dinner with her family last week, she returned them and SS6 latched on to me right away. We figure that BM and her mom ignored him the whole time and smothered SS4 - to the point that SS4 returned from the outing with twice as many toys as SS6.
I told BF that I can't stand him hanging on me all the time (it wears me out) and I trip on him every time I turn around. I understand the child wants attention but does it have to come from me? After talking it over with FMIL, she noticed that same thing. When she watched SS6 for a weekend (by himself)it didn't matter what FFIL did with him, SS6 wanted FMIL's attention so badly. Same thing at our house BF could want to do stuff with him but he blows him off to be by me.
BF told me that I should start doing things with him to see if it gets better. But it just does not feel right. SS6 doesn't want me he wants HIS MOTHER. But you can't tell her anything she thinks she is doing everything right.
I think BF should start doing things - one on one with SS6 - and see if that makes things better. He is after all his FATHER. If the motherly bond is missing BF should fill it not me - right?
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I totally understand your
I totally understand your feelings on this. I would not want to be in that situation either. And I am not bashing, but I wonder why you would put you, him and the kids in this situation?
It will not get better. SS needs someone that will want him back. These kids are so young and really do need people around them that are not uncomfortable with them.
Why do you stay? Why get involved in the first place? Again, not bashing, just wondering. I see a lot of people on this site that absolutely hate small skids. (u are not one I think). But keep staying and getting married and preggers by people that have small skids that they don’t like. If skids are so young and you know already that you don’t like them, why stay? Again..not bashing, just wondering…?
I like your questions. I
I like your questions. I stay because I do love my SO.
I think my issues with his kids is in the beginning, I thought they were great and I loved them but after like the 3rd time that BM flipped out because I did something motherly to/for them it made me step back and question myself. She made me feel like I was a horrible person for trying to 'be their mother' but now I see that she is not a good mother so of course she hated that I was making her look bad. And I realize that will never change no matter what I do she will try to make me look (as) bad (as her).
Now I am just conflicted, it's painful to love them but really hard not to. So really what is a woman to do? I know that I can't fix them - especially since we only get them 50% of the time. And I can't make up for what his mother has done/does. I know he will figure it out some day for himself and the only thing I can do is to be me.
My SS3's BM used to freak out
My SS3's BM used to freak out anytime I did things for SS, saying I was trying to steal him and be his mom. Now, granted she is a really good mom-- a terrible co-parent, but is really good to SS. Also I've been dating DH since SS was 8 months old, first met him at 1 yr-- and we are long distance at that (BM disappeared for 6 months with SS to a different state), so it was a difficult situation sending your toddler to a different state.
I eventually told her about a year ago that I'm sorry that I am stepping on her toes, but i'm not going to pretend that SS isn't a part of my family- and that I don't view him as one of my children because it makes her uncomfortable. I am doing what will make SS3 most comfortable when he is with me and DH-- not what will make BM most comfortable. She seems to have let the idea sink in, with the encouragement of DH and her own SO i think.
When DH picked SS up on friday she said "I wrote a little note about blah blah blah and put it in SS's bag. I know you won't read it, but I know Texstep will. So I guess its more for her." At least she is learning to appreciate the things I do for SS when he's here instead of resenting me for it. All in all slow progress in the right direction.
I don't think he wants you to
I don't think he wants you to be his mother. I think he wants his actual mother, and her love, approval and attention. But his mother neglects him. So what does he do? He looks to the other female adults in his world to fill the hole. You can't fill the hole. You can be kind to him. You can spend some time with him. You can get him to a counselor. Poor kid. My husband's mother did that same thing to him (played favorites, neglected him). He has a lot of pain and anger from it.
Embrace it, even though it is
Embrace it, even though it is not your ideal situation soon you will enjoy it. The child will grow and have an unbelievable respect for you and you will learn from him too!