So, I told him last night that SD is not welcome in my home anymore~
It went relatively well-after venting here, and writing 4 pages of vomit about his nasty kid..I was compelled to give that letter to him and decided against it ha!
I did say to him....look this past wknd was hell for me...and get this, serious as a heart attack...he says really? I thought it went pretty ok?
I looked at him with disgust and said...that's because you ignore the disrespect and dont' discipline at all, and are in denial! I said, of all wknds this was one of the WORST and you didn't even sense that?
I said look, bottom line is she disrespects me, my house, my sons, she is a VISITOR here, and she will not be coming over for a while, at least until I see some serious changes. And those start with you-I can only blame a kid so much, but you have to start disciplining and giving CONSEQUENCES and PUNISHMENT, BIG TIME! It's YOUR kid, not mine....I have even less place to say anything but I will from now on in my home. I said look-the consequences of me feeling disrespected by both of you is she doesn't come over, there, that's MY consequence. He says "so you're really mad at me also" (DUH!) I said YES I'm mad at you for not parenting.
He said he understood completely. I said look, you're honest w/me about my boys, i'll return the favor, I don't want to not open up because honestly lately and after this wknd it's getting so bad that I'm starting to ahve really bad feelings towards you AND her, who is a kid in reality....so you HAVE to step up and demand my home is respected. I need a break to cool off from that mess, and I will decide when/if i'm ready to have her over again.
Surprisingly he didn't 'retaliate' the rest of the night w/attitude or anything-in fact he even washed dishes lol-BUT we'll see if he brings somethign up this wknd, which is supposed to be our skids free wknd-I have a feeling BM will try and fuck it up...and bet he will cave to the pressure...and if he does take SD this wknd? He will NOT be seeing me at all that wknd.
I also told him i was sick of having bm's presence in my home-because she calls sd's phone excesively, or calls to make arrangements about events for sd, or i see pics of bm, or she's mentioned. I said I don't want that moron in MY house, in MY time, in MY wknds with my kids. I said my kids dont' do it to you on and on about their dad, nor does he call....nor do I call when they are with their dad. It's called RESPECT.
- overit2's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I KNOW!! I hope he doesn't
I KNOW!! I hope he doesn't get amnesia either...either way I think i set up the 'no visits on skids wknds' particularly and cleverly close to Holiday season }:) Is it just really denial or they play stupid??? They HAVE to know....I know when my kids are acting fools and step up immediately to address it.
I told him he minimized and hid shit she did from me (he didn't deny it) and let her get away with stuff and i felt underminded and disrespected.
If you remember in the past, between Nov-Jan BM seems to dump SD on him about 1-2 months, any/every school break AND additional weeks. SO..it works for me as my plan is to have this in place until January at least.
OH...and this way I also get to avoid having anything to do w/her at her bday as well
Last year she was thrown at us on her bday alst minute-because mom got sick. I went and cooked dinner, got her cupcakes, she acted a fool, complained of the food-hogged ALL the chocolate cupcakes to herself refusing to share w/my sons (even though I BOUGHT THEM!), said it was the worst bday ever, bitched, moaned, pouted. Little witch, I'm not your mom or the one throwing the party-you were thrown at us last minute with NO warning and we made the best of it we could, nothing is good enough. I think I have perfect timing though-no bday of xmas gifts or extended holiday visits 
Great time to make my point to BOTH of them, AND his parents AND BM....they will not run my life. Not to mention I get so ill this time of year w/all the excessive gifts flying around to her, I rather not see or be a part of it.
really good point about the
really good point about the way these divorced parents think about their kids. My dh worries excessively about wheteher ss will "like" him. I cant ever think about sitting around wondering whether my kids "like" me or not. I know my kids love me-I dont even care if they "like" me all the time.
These dad's lose sight of the fact that there job is to parent their child-not win a popularity contest, be a pal or a buddy. Sadly, I think my dh knows that ss has no attachment to him (or anyone for that matter) so he would have no problems never speaking to my dh again if dh fell out of favor in someway.
The worst part is, the NCPs
The worst part is, the NCPs are almost FORCED into this type of position to attempt to keep a relationship going at ALL with their children.
Most BMs do not care if the kids have a relationship with their dad and some actively discourage it. The worst flat out don't "allow" the visitation. And they will run with it, big time, if the child makes any noises like they don't want to go or don't like it there (mainly because they have to follow RULES).
YOu know...I agree with the
YOu know...I agree with the 'treating me like shit'...that's how I feel..it took a couple years accumulation, whereas I even saw it as 'incidents' before now I see it as her pattern.
What is upsetting is the last few wknds before this things had gone quite well, I was getting hopefull even. So sad! I wonder what happens with BM and if somehow she is pas'd or told to act out...or it's because she's just used to getting her way all the time.
" When fear finally wears
" When fear finally wears your ass out, you stop giving two flips about what others think. You do what you feel is right, period."
Well said. I like when fear turns into anger.
Well hopefully he will stick
Well hopefully he will stick to it. I know when I first told my dh that ss was banned from visiting (back this Spring)he totally agreed with me that he had dropped the ball and understood my position. Blah, blah, blah. When it came time to actually implement the no visit-his sil actually dropped the kid off at our campsite while camping and dh begged me to give him a chance to show me how he was going to parent differently.
So I folded. And what dh showed me is that he is absolutely unwilling or incapable of parenting. What ss showed me is that he absolutely unwilling to be respectful to me.
So currently he is back to being banned. However, it makes no difference as mil will not brng him over here and does whatever she can to make sure ss doesnt visit here. I did not implement the ban until mil no showed 4 visits in a row and I got tired of putting my energy and attention into the matter and said "just forget it".
I can also relate to how these men are clueless. After one visit this summer-in which ss was only here about 24 hours-dh remarked on how he thought the visit went well. I just stared at him. I was like, well perhaps it went well because I never left teh basement and did not speak one word to ss? Perhaps because none of the other children were really here and you gave ss your one on one attention teh entire time. Perhaps because I did nto even complain as I was busy drowning my sorrow in a bottle of wine?
WTH is wrong with these
WTH is wrong with these men??? HOw could they not see it...think it went well. Look, when I say i think it went well, I mean it and have been observant!
How is this 'going well'?
COnstantly yelling, fighting and using foul language with my sons.
Ignoring my rules to sit at table until excused
Asking for more food at lunch after I told her I still had to feed everyone else. She kept asking because it's all about her.
Went into my closet and room w/out permission
Took my phone multiple times w/out permission
Threw a fit when I asked her to leave the big couch because her dad and I were sharing it to watch a movie with them "You dont' care about me dad, I just went and ran a race and i'm tired and want the big couch' (WTF!)
Went through my sons private papers in his room AGAIN AND shared them with the other girls-after me calling her and her friend out BIG TIME about a month ago on this same issue
Yelling, loud mouth when playing outside w/the other girls
Demanding food every 1 hr
Trying to butt in and dance w/her dad all provacative when him and I were busy flirting listening to Prince.
Putting on my perfume and going through my bathroom stuff
Insisting to go to a stupid race that it was a requirement when that was a lie
Showing me pics of BM and talkign about BM and taking a million calls from BM
Boasting non-stop about her grades and trophees in front of the boys and to me (I DON"T FLIPPING CARE!)
Competing to get my family dog away from the boys to sit with her instead...she has a dog at her house and her dads dog to hog but it must not be enough. OUR dog must bow and lover her above others when she's around. AFter all she's admitted she's competitive about everything and "can't flip that switch off"
Constantly walked out or where bf and I were talking to interrupt us and try to be in the adult conversation (every 10mins it seemed)
RUDE and disrespectful of my rules of no tag, no bullying, no cussing, bringing kids into the house i didn't know....
Ignoring my requests to turn down the youtube music blaring
Dressing like a tramp
THat's not the end...and he thought it went well?
My dh thinks a visit with ss
My dh thinks a visit with ss goes well if ss doesnt scream at me. He can mock me, lie to me, ignore me, defy me, steal, destroy property-but if he doesnt scream at me then he figures it's gone pretty well.
OMG...wtf???? So they know
OMG...wtf???? So they know they are assholes, they just are too embarrased to admit it.
I know that some time ago-up until the last 6 months...bf was ready to step away entirely from sd and bm....he hated her behavior, the way she acted just like her mom, her rudeness, bullying ways....the last 6 months I've seen him slowly throw blidners on and start babying the princess just like his folks do.
I personally was ok w/him doing the dna test-spillign the beans and just leaving that entire situation in the past....i dont' think there's any redemption for her.
You know what's so odd??? I got a FB message from a guy THIS MORNING I've known since I was a child and we all played together-but we haven't communicated in years and years other then initial hello on FB-he's very religious guy, married with family.
He says..I had to message you, this Friday morning I woke up and had this very strong message to pray for you and your family for some odd reason.....and it went on ALL day. I don't know why I felt that burden, it seemed bizarre to me but I did pray, a lot! He said he just wanted to share somethign...and shared a very positive message to me about forgiveness, also about how people (in this case a pastor) that were never supposed to had hurt him when he was young but had always been rude and mean to him and how he had to heal of that through the years, other spiritual things which REALLY resonated with me. It was a way i think of God telling me he was looking at for me still, I did the right thing and feeling validated. This man knows NOTHING about my current situation at all. It was weird in a good way.
I’m with you on most of this,
I’m with you on most of this, but I hope you don’t give this list to your DH. Some of them do seem a tad petty. Not bashing, just saying that some of this may not annoy you as much, if it was someone else. And, yes, I am jealous!! Lol. My DH would not have taken that new about his kid very well. But, he would not have let his kid do a some of the crap that your SD does.,…
COnstantly yelling, fighting and using foul language with my sons. KIND OF NORMAL. BUT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN STOPPED.
Ignoring my rules to sit at table until excused. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THIS ONE.
Asking for more food at lunch after I told her I still had to feed everyone else. She kept asking because it's all about her. NORMAL
Went into my closet and room w/out permission. OH MY!! NOT NORMAL. I MADE SURE THAT MY DOOR WAS ALWAYS CLOSED AND KEPT AN EYE ON SS SO THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN.
Took my phone multiple times w/out permission. HMM. THIS WOULD BE NORMAL IN MY HOUSE. I REALIZE NOT ALL ARE GOING TO AGREE.
Threw a fit when I asked her to leave the big couch because her dad and I were sharing it to watch a movie with them "You dont' care about me dad, I just went and ran a race and i'm tired and want the big couch' (WTF!). WEIRD.
Went through my sons private papers in his room AGAIN AND shared them with the other girls-after me calling her and her friend out BIG TIME about a month ago on this same issue. NOT NORMAL!!! AND YOUR SO SHOULD HAVE ADDRESSED IT RIGHT THEN. This is the one I have the MOST problem with!!
Yelling, loud mouth when playing outside w/the other girls. NORMAL
Demanding food every 1 hr. NORMAL
Trying to butt in and dance w/her dad all provacative when him and I were busy flirting listening to Prince. A LITTLE STRANGE.
Putting on my perfume and going through my bathroom stuff. NORMAL.
Insisting to go to a stupid race that it was a requirement when that was a lie. NORMAL.
Showing me pics of BM and talkign about BM and taking a million calls from BM. NORMAL.
Boasting non-stop about her grades and trophees in front of the boys and to me (I DON"T FLIPPING CARE!). NORMAL.
Competing to get my family dog away from the boys to sit with her instead...she has a dog at her house and her dads dog to hog but it must not be enough. OUR dog must bow and lover her above others when she's around. AFter all she's admitted she's competitive about everything and "can't flip that switch off". NORMAL
Constantly walked out or where bf and I were talking to interrupt us and try to be in the adult conversation (every 10mins it seemed). NORMAL AT THAT AGE.
RUDE and disrespectful of my rules of no tag, no bullying, no cussing, bringing kids into the house i didn't know....NOT RIGHT, BUT SHE HAS TO BE TAUGHT.
Ignoring my requests to turn down the youtube music blaring. NORMAL. WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN SHE IGNORED YOU?
Dressing like a tramp. YOUR VERSION OF A TRAMP MAY OT BE THE SAME AS HERS.
Like I said, I “get” all of these, but I would leave a lot of them out when you talk to your SO.
"Dressing like a tramp. YOUR
"Dressing like a tramp. YOUR VERSION OF A TRAMP MAY OT BE THE SAME AS HERS."
Her SD is 10. Should a 10 year old be allowed to wear whatever she wants because she doesn't know? I would think it would be appropriate if the parents didn't let her dress that way and taught her some self respect. At this age, I don't think a difference of opinion is an excuse for OP to not be annoyed by this.
Yes, if she were 16 thats
Yes, if she were 16 thats different.
To illustrate how 'adult' this kid is allowed to act and be:
Her mom took her to get -not subtle-but HUGE chunky tacky blonde highlights, things an ADULT woman would do (well a trashy one). SD asked me to help put her hair up in a ponytail last time, her hair feels like STRAW now. Great BM! What an idiot-ruining a childs hair already.
She started receiving/wearing bras at 10 and she HAD nothing, no reason other then to jumpstart her into thinking she's older then she is
She is NOT a hairy kid but mom allowed her to shave her legs at 10-again NOT a hair/dark haired kid.
She is allowed and has come to my house with makeup, lipstick, eyeshadow, mascara....NO kid needs to wear makeup at that age-OH may I not leave out feather earrings...
Her clothes: Have to be all label stuff, AND her pants/shirts are EXTREMELY SKIN TIGHT-something a 16yr old would get scolded for.
She wore a VERY skimpy bikini until I finally said "not in my neighborhood or home"..then she got a slightly more modest one
Then there's the attitude with it....the music/videos and tv programs BM allows her to see/listen. Videos like Beyonce and Lady gaga prison video and such, shows like jersey shore, WWE, MTV programs, the current pop music that talks about sex and drugs and more sex.
I've seen her dance before-and at age 8!! It was definately learned from music videos, VERY provocative, I'm a woman, I can dance very well and seductively -I was raised in a latin country...but you start learning these 'moves' as you're an older teen.
Her whole persona is that of a 16-18yr old but then turns around and acts like a baby with dad-HELP ME START THE SHOWER....gross (OH I forgot the thumb sucking). OH, and the fact that he had to kick her out of the bed when we met, and she STILL will bring up on ocassion-she would LIKE to slip in bed w/her dad to prove her adult status.
Believe me her dad has commanded her to stop dancing before, he has made her change clothes, but that's about it.
Sounds like BM is grooming
Sounds like BM is grooming her to be a "mini-me" BFF. "Grow up SD and hurry so I have a FRIEND!!"
YEP, that is exactly
YEP, that is exactly it....that is already how she raises her.
SO, I have to see/hear/put up with mini-me trying to run the show and be rude in my house...HELL NO!
OH I DID leave them
OH I DID leave them out...believe me if you read my previous blog you'd know how I really feel!
See, I dont' think a lot of this IS normal, I'm raising two boys and I know they will misbehave and what normal kid behavior is.
The problem is that behind her behavior EVERYTHING is about competition, bullying and being the center of attention to everyone, so her actions stop being normal when it's a pattern pointing to the above. This means she's been raised to believe she is the center of the universe and an entitled spoiled brat, AND a bully.
My kids fight, they are sibilings. I fought with my brothers. How can she come over EOW, and think it's ok to use words like 'p****y, idiot, and on and on...in the past she would hit, kick, shove, push and hurt them. NOT normal for a GIRL first of all to act like a bully (but her mom and her lesbian clan are of the agressive hit to make your point type)....and try to beat up boys. It goes beyond rivalry to straight out bullying.
I also dont' think the claim on MY food is normal...she's a visitor so to demand to eat that way I don't get...my boys who should have bigger appetites dont' even troll the kitchen and cupboards that much demanding food or to be 'served' by 'daddy'.
My boys ask permission to use my phone-SD does not touch her DAD's phone ever...so to assume it's ok to grab mine w/out asking is NOT normal, it's outright defiance and lack of respsect. If she knows not to do it w/her dads stuff...I honestly think at my house she feels MORE entitled to be a nasty person for some reason. NOT anymore.
I think some of these things
I think some of these things fall in the realm of normal, but some do not and are completely unacceptable. When I was reading the list I really assumed that you were talking about an older child. IMO, a 10 year old girl calling people pussies is really strange-and her father should be on top of that issue. Dancing provocatively is also a no. I am not saying kids dont see things on mtv that they try and replicate but dad should be there to give her the message that that is not appropriate behavior for her. i would also have a huge problem with her messing with people's personal items-whether it is your sons private papers or your phone. I have a 9 year old dd so I can relate on some of this. She has tried to grab my phone on a few occassions and I jsut take it back and tell her to stop however she IS my dd. It IS different when it is your own child and it is ok that it is different. She should have more boundaries with you because you are not her parent.
The whole food thing sounds very similar to my ss13. It is hard to explain in a way that others understand-but he wants to constantly eat at my home. It doesnt matter if he is there for 4 hours he requires food. He wants food as soon as he enters my house-no matter what the time is. He absolutely requires three distinct meals a day plus snacks. I do not think an hour can pass without him eating which I just think is weird and is more a behavioral issue than an appetite one.
Now, I will say something about some of the other stuff. My dd9 started shaving her legs this year. She is in 4th grade-her older sister started shaving her legs at this age (sister has dark hair and people would make fun of her)-but since older dd did at this age younger dd thought she had to as well. Several of her classmates are also already shaving. My dd9 likes to wear makeup as well-we are talking mostly kiddie lipgloss but she snagged a mascara of my dd's and likes to wear that too. She actually does quite a good job-she does not look like a prostitute. I also do not let her wear "slutty" clothes but she does have a two piece bathing suit. To me a lto of this is just playing dress up. I wouldnt let her wear blue eye shadow and red lipstick to church-but if she wants to wear lip gloss and a little mascara to school I really dont care. I dont care if she has a 2 piece bathing suit-pretty much everyone of her friends do-it covers her bits and pieces and it is jsut the style.
I think most of the issue here is that your dh is NOT addressing poor behaviors. She is testing boundaries and limits and your dh seems to be letting alot of it go. From what you have said, this child could be redeemed if she had proper parenting-however if she continues down her current path without intervention I would have to agree that you have trouble on your hands.
The problem is that behind
The problem is that behind her behavior EVERYTHING is about competition, bullying and being the center of attention to everyone, so her actions stop being normal when it's a pattern pointing to the above. This means she's been raised to believe she is the center of the universe and an entitled spoiled brat, AND a bully.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My SS made over at that age. That is why I did not marry or live with my DH until SS was over 16. And 90% of the time, I had "things" to do on the weekend he had skid, so I could actually go months without setting eyes on the boy. I HIGHLY recommend this to all!!! DH and I would have divorced if we had married back when SS was 8-16. I am sure of this. good luck!!
You know I agree....I think
You know I agree....I think it's a tough age-and if he were to propose tomorrow I would have to say no, because he needs to get a handle on parenting, consequences, discipline and not letting BM or his parents or SD run the shots.
UNTIl I see that there is NO way. I never wanted to re-marry after my divorce until I fell in love with this guy. NOW i'm back to I'm ok dating long period if need be until all this is fixed!!! At the same time it's just not fair to put our adult lives and choices on hold over one entitled nasty kid! Especially it angers me because of the dna truth about this whole thing.
I see it as that brat should not be the one driving our decision to marry or not-I think MY children would benefit from us being married down the road (a couple years)-but if I have to wait I will. I don't think it will get better as they age as is proof on this board-so to make decisions based on one rotten apple seems weird to me. We are allowing a child to determine our future together.
I told my husband something
I told my husband something similar over 2 months ago- his daughter wasn't going to continue to disrespect me in my home and the only way she was going to return was if she signed a home rules contract and agreed to follow it AND accept the consequences of breaking any rules.
My DH was fully supportive then and furious that his daughter refused to sign the rules contract and was so disrespectful to both of us about it.
Fast forward 2 months and now I'm the bad guy keeping his daughter from visiting. He's flying up to go to family counseling sessions once a month and we're arguing non-stop about who's to blame about why his daughter is no longer living with us.
Kicking a kid out would work as a punishment if they don't have anywhere else to go. But in these situations, they have support from relatives who tell them they're right, their dad is wrong.
SD15 would be perfectly happy if she never saw her dad again (so would I) but he's heartbroken over it. She's so stubborn that she will never do anything he says and the only one who's hurting is DH.
So, it's key to keep your husband on track and on your side and not let daddy guilt creep in.