How do you find balance? BM's house = ineffective discipline. Ours = consistent rules/consequences.
The skids know that when baby goes to bed, it's quiet time in our house. We use that 45 minutes for snuggle time with the skids and for them to unwind. We've been really harping on having respect for others when they're sleeping -- like in the morning when they wake up before everyone else, it's ok to be awake, but you need to find something to do quietly...you know?
Last night, DH royally pissed me off. I had already been reminding the skids, no more running, it's quiet time. No more yelling/screeching (not that we truly allow that anyway), it's quiet time. Let's all sit down and relax, it's quiet time.
Then it's time for the skids to go to bed. DH says "Okay, go downstairs and pick out your books, I'll be down in a minute." DH is notorious for getting distracted by the TV, his phone, the tablet, etc...of course we can't expect the skids to sit and wait for 20 minutes in their room (which is next to baby's room) perfectly quiet.
There was some commotion, and I made a comment to DH about going down there already. He didn't budge. Heard SS4 scream/screech and SD6 laughing histerically. DH rolls his eyes. Still doesn't budge. Me: Are you gonna go down there already? I didn't want to rush down there and be the bitchy stepmom, since I had already been on them for hte last hour about it. I expected him to take care of it.
He looked at me and said, "Do you want to just go take care of it?" I stormed off and as I was going he said, "Send SS4 up to pick up his cars he left in here."
I gave the kids a brief lecture again about being having respect for the sleeping baby next door, and I pulled SS4 out of his bed and sent him upstairs to clean up his cars. Then I hear him crying with DH, "I MISS MOMMMMMYYYYY...I WANT MOOOOMMMMYYYYY...." Ugh!
We wait and wait for him to stop crying and come back down to read their book, but DH is busy consoling him and it's taking forever so I start reading the book to SD6. I was almost done when SS4 came back, and I tucked them both in and said goodnight adn all was fine. SS4 even said to me, "Mommy never makes us burritos, I love when you make us burritos." -- (When I tuck the blanket in all around them so they're 'burritos' 
So all was fine, right?
I go back up to join DH and he says "Jeez you need to go easier on the kid." - meaning SS4. He said "He comes to our house and it's such a drastic difference from BM's, we need to keep that in mind."
I told him I refuse to treat him differently than I would our own son. If we have another baby and our BS is doing that, you're damn right I'd be in there lecturing him too.
DH said that he feels bad that we're going to be the house he hates because we have rules and consequences. I told him I refuse to change our rules for him because we feel guilty about that. UGH!
I also said to him, "If you didn't trust how I was goign to handle that situation then you should have gotten off the couch and handled it yourself!" He played it off as me being overly sensitive! Argg.
So I know we talk on here alot about guilty daddies and stuff, but IS there a special balance you can strike, when the other household has poor/no consequences for bad behaviors? My big logical thing that I always say is that this is LIFE. You have expectations everywhere you go that you follow....you are quiet at a library, respectful at church, you have school rules, work rules, home rules, babysitter/daycare rules. We can't sit here and feel guilty that we have consistent expectations of hwo the kids act, especially when we're giving them 10 million reminders!
The thing is too, that when I DO get on the kids, or get really angry with them, they KNOW I mean business. Yes, they end up crying when I am mad, but there's part of me that believes that is not because they're SCARED of me or anything, it's because they are upset that I'm upset, which I think is a good thing -- do you know what I mean? If they didn't care that I was mad at them, that'd be trouble. It's not like I'm mad at them all the time, so when I do get mad they understand.
I know that BM does discipline in her ways, but she's not effective and she's not consistent. It all depends on her mood, what the kids get away with...or should I say, it all depends on whehter or not she's wrapped up in herself/her phone/her hair/her makeup or not.
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Comments
I think you are doing a
I think you are doing a fabulous job. Your rules and structure and expectations of your skids will serve them well. BM and your DH seem to be lax at parenting and that is not good for the kids. I think that there can be a balance but not at the expense of rules and structure. I mean really what is next "Mom lets us stay out till 2am why won't you guys?". It really is building a foundation for the kids benefit. Some parents don't see it that way they see parenting as something you are doing "TO" the kids not "FOR" the kids.
My BF struggles with this all the time. He thinks if he keeps SD happy all the time it makes up for her worthless BM. No it just creates an entitled bratty child that thinks the world owes her something.
When we first get the skids
When we first get the skids they are like little crazy people. They are attention-deprived, they are running all over the place, they haven's showered in days, etc. Once they get settled, the fighting starts. SD9 and SD11 are constantly fighting, whining, complaining, tattling, and DH just sits there and listens to it. Rather than just telling them "okay, that's enough" or "I don't want to hear it" anything, he will literally just sit there and listen to their endless blame-shifting, until I finally have had enough and shut them up. Thereby of course making me the evil step-witch.
I think he is still transitioning from being the single fun daddy to the responsible daddy. You would think he would be embarrassed by how they act, but apparently as long as they are having fun he is okay with their craziness.
Your DH needs to remember
Your DH needs to remember this goes both ways. So if SS gets ice cream for dinner at BMs, then you should let him have ice cream for dinner at your house right? If SS doesn't brush his teeth for 5 days at BMs house, then you need to keep a calendar and he shouldn't brush his teeth for 5 days at your house. After all, according to your DH it's all about making sure things are the "same" at each house for SS. Hopefully this analogy will show DH just how ridiculous he is being.
NOW is the perfect time to be teaching these kids that there ARE different rules at different homes, just like there are different rules at the swimming pool (no running/horseplay) and different rules at school (no running/talking in the halls) etc. He needs to explain to skids that "rules" are not you guys being mean, but you guys CARING. That you want them to grow to be respectful, law abiding children and adults.
Your DH also needs to remember that these kids are at an age where they can manipulate. SS knew exactly what he was doing when he got in trouble and started crying for "mommy" and your DH fell for it hook, line and sinker.
I think the mistake you made
I think the mistake you made was going down there and being the disciplinarian. Your husband should have done that because (1)they are his kids and (2) you asked him to.
I think what you should have done was say, Ok, if you're not willing to go down there and do your job as a parent and read to them so they will go to bed, and they are going to be rambunctious because they're kids and they can't wait for YOU to decide to actually go down there and do what you said, if they wake the baby up, YOU will be getting him/her back to sleep. I'm going to pour myself a glass of wine and take a NICE HOT BATH.