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I will be the GRINCH this year, NO presents for SS8, too drastic? thoughts please

Dreamer2011's picture

Submitted by Dreamer2011 on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 2:46am

I have decided to remove ALL presents from SS8 this year. Additionally, all the wrapped presents that his dad got for him on his vacation, I will have SS8 personally drop them in the TOYS FOR TOTS box. Last night, he decided to call me a name, disrespect everyone and then laugh about it. He has been doing this shit the whole year and I am fedup of him. Because of all three skids bad behavior mostly triggered by him, this year, restaurants and other places of business have respectfully requested that we leave. We have placed a BAN on going out with skids in public and its not getting better in my opinion. SS8 has been bullying his siblings and once he decided to turn on my 5mth old son (not going to happen again)

I told SO already that I will not stand for any level of disrespect in my house, car etc, that my punishments are not TIMEOUTS, that crap doesn't work. If he intends for us to be together, then he must understand that some level of peace and stability is expected. And this out of control behavior 2 and 4 days every other week is not cutting it. I get anxious just thinking about them at the house. So this is a really high stress for me. SO has been actually understanding of his kids behavior and its impact on me and his youngest son with his ex.

I realize it is drastic...but I cant think of another way to get my point across to these kids. Any thoughts on what you would do differently?

Comments

Mom2TwinsnTeens's picture

Submitted by Mom2TwinsnTeens on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 5:44am

good ol fashioned ass whoopin. But yea, do the presents thing

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 5:53am

Something should be done, but this is overthe top.

He isn't getting punished until next week for something he said/did last night.

Dreamer2011's picture

Submitted by Dreamer2011 on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 7:39am

I was unable to punish him or even talk about what he did/said last night because we were all in the car ready to go back to our place (we were picking up food). SS8 decided to say it right as were about to get out. SO got so mad, he started screaming at him and in a fit of anger, told the kids "stay in the car, you are home"...our vistation time for the day was already over but we were going to spend some extra time with them because schools out. All I got to say was "I will not forget this SS8. I do not agree with SO's reaction.

He has been doing it to his dad all year (and people when I say all year, I am not exaggerating), its everytime. He sends messages with his siblings to tell his dad he is a loser and things of that sort. I will not deal with that shit in my house while I am trying to raise my son with values. His bullying has caused his brother emotional damage that I called out to SO in the early stages. Now SS5 is acting out by hurting other kids, for example yesterday the school bus had to pull over because he was scratching a girls eyes" unacceptable and all they want to do is TALK. I DON'T THINK SO...I can't leave my son around SS8 or SS5 because it's only a matter of time before he strikes.

The parents are to blame for this, however, I think that since these kids are NORMAL, no mental indiscretions, they should listen and I REQUIRE respect in my house especially when I do everything for them when they are here and have NEVER mistreated them (regardless if i am detached or not). Not loving them like my own is not mistreating them but I will ensure their safety when in my care.

I have been trying all sorts of non contact punishments with these kids especially SS8 and he comes back " so if I stay in timeout, when I get out how long do I need to be good to get what I want".. when kids are responding like this to you, CLEARLY ITS NOT WORKING.

unwillingparticipant's picture

Submitted by unwillingparticipant on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 7:56am

I love it! Problem is, I'm not sure it's going to work. It sounds like NOTHING works with this child really. However, he might start grabbing at his sibling's gifts and opening those or just straight up stealing them from their hands. He honestly sounds like a sociopath. Good luck & let us know how it goes. You're in a tough situation. {{{{{hugs}}}}}

Dreamer2011's picture

Submitted by Dreamer2011 on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 10:51am

He has already demonstrated this behavior, he grabs his siblings stuff, rips it open and if he wants something and the other is using it, he grabs it out of their hands, and say "THANKS FOR LETTING ME HAVE IT" So sick of this.

planningMyEscape's picture

Submitted by planningMyEscape on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 8:40am

I'd do it too. Tell him christmas gifts are for NICE kids, not kids who don't behave. I don't know that it will work, but he shouldn't get a bunch of presents when he acts that way, Christmas or not! Just out of curiosity, what does your SO think of your idea of throwing out the x-mas gifts??

Dreamer2011's picture

Submitted by Dreamer2011 on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 10:53am

Agreed 100%, he should not be rewarded for bad behavior regardless of occassions, it should be our EMO for out of control kids. SO thinks it could work and is need of ideas because he is tired of screaming and timeouts..they lead to nothing.

Dreamer2011's picture

Submitted by Dreamer2011 on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 11:01am

StepAside, I would be foolish to go at this alone for all the points you just identified. Although I came up with this last night, I brought SO in on the idea and it wasn't up for modification because we have seen what his behavior has been like over the past year. He is on board thank goodness as he is quickly seeing what "I want to be friends with my kids and not parents" had resulted into. SS8: abusive, disrespectful and immature and SS5: becoming a bully due to what he endured from SS8, screaming, can't deal with his emotions in a healthy manner.

Gabriels Mom's picture

Submitted by Gabriels Mom on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 9:12am

I agree, it's a cool idea but I don't think it will work. It sounds like he's a sociopath and I don't think you can fix that...but maybe since he's so young with intensive psychotherapy he can be "trained"

Dreamer2011's picture

Submitted by Dreamer2011 on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 11:02am

I suggested this but they dont want him to be "labeled"... whatever man, if he lacks empathy and a conscious then he should see a therapist. SERIOUSLY.

branmuffin97's picture

Submitted by branmuffin97 on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 9:53am

It's arbitrary, imo. It's just to make you feel better...it will teach him nothing and it's unrelated to the crime. It makes you look petty and immature...which in no way leads to a child actually offering up respect.

Dreamer2011's picture

Submitted by Dreamer2011 on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 11:06am

Yes it does make me feel better, I am not going to lie. I dont think he should have a smile on his face with new video games, etc etc when the rest of the FAMILY has been miserable and will continue to be miserable now with SS5 joining in but my overall goal is to teach him/them that these types of behavior were not forgotten and will not be tolerated. This is just the first drastic move we are trying to take and if necessary, will continue in the future. I think this is ideal because Christmas means so much to them because of the PRESENTS. So finally take away something he really wants and NEVER give it back. Because he always expects to get it back after 10 minutes. IDK

Gabriels Mom's picture

Submitted by Gabriels Mom on Sat, 12/17/2011 - 1:01pm

I get what you're saying, yea it will make you feel better but someone like that it's only going to make him escalate. He needs therapy and I'm sorry but if his mother and father aren't going to get it for him you need to consult a social worker...just call his school and explain the situation to the school counselor maybe if he/she evaluates him and determines he needs therapy that will jolt mom and dad into getting it for him and if the counselor says he's okay then he/she is an idiot and call CPS.

Your child is your first priority. If I thought for one second my step-son was a danger to my son I wouldn't have my son around him and if my husband decided he wouldn't get his son help. I would leave. I love my husband but he is not more important than my child. Maybe I'm just weird like that. Your DH is allowing one child to ruin your other step-son and possible hurt your son. That's crazy.

Dreamer2011's picture

Submitted by Dreamer2011 on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 5:45pm

My son is my first priority, no question. Like many on this board, I am a prisoner in my own house when they are over. I had to put locks on my bedroom, bathroom and work office because they have no manners. It doesn't matter how many times you tell them "knock before entering", they barge in anyways. Wake up at 5am and yes jumps in the bed (most of the time, I had been up all night with my infant son)

Anyway back to my son, when they are over, I never let them be with him unless I am around. Even SO is not good enough because sometimes he thinks his kids are more mature than what I know they are...each are at least 2 years below what they ought to be and SS8, well he acts worst than SS5. I spend 90% of my time in the bedroom. The incident that I referenced happened when SO was around, so lesson learned there.

Is SS8 a danger, absolutely but for the time being I think I can handle him and protect my son while still having an open discussion with SO about therapy if behaviors worsen.

Nightshade's picture

Submitted by Nightshade on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 12:12pm

How about letting him see the gifts he would have gotten if he was able to behave like a human being and then make him earn the gifts, one at a time(and not on Christmas Day or any time that soon)and as soon as he acts up, drive him to a shelter and make him drop off his toy to a less fortunate child, then if he earns another and acts up, repeat. But that's just my opinion, I am so sorry you have to go through this crap.

Dreamer2011's picture

Submitted by Dreamer2011 on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 5:49pm

Thanks so much for the love and suggestion. This kid does not deserve to even see what he would have gotten because I swear my box would be empty. He will manipulate the situation so it appears that he is getting better but the moment he gets it, its back to old habits. I hate having him around, OMFG.

sixteensmom's picture

Submitted by sixteensmom on Sun, 12/18/2011 - 6:02pm

I'd lock him in his room and not even let him participate in the festivities. Throw a peanut butter sandwhich at him in his empty room and tell him he can come out when the nice people in the family who love and respect each other are finished celebrating Christmas together.

Or, tell him he has to stay at BMs.

Or get a babysitter and take your gifts and the other kids somewhere else overnight to celebrate.

It's a lot worse when he's wondering what he's missing rather than sitting there watching it. His imagination will make it a lot worse that it would actually be. And if he's this smart, he'll figure out how to hide his emotions and not let you see that you got to him, which would piss me off. I'd be thinking ... ok you little dick, sit right there and i hope you cry and feel sad, and when he didn't I'd get madder Smile LOL