DH's family: more THRILLING stories about BM
DH's mother and her new husband came to visit today, and, of course, they decided to tell heartwarming stories about their experiences with BM in the past. *sigh*
I mentioned that SS2's birthday was next month. So, MIL states that her DH knows it's SS2's birthday next month because both MIL and her DH went to an ultrasound appointment with BM when SS2 was still in the womb and that was the first time MIL's husband had ever heard a baby's heart beat. This occurred either during or after the divorce, by the way, as DH finally gave up on crazy BM during her pregnancy with SS2.
A) how is that related to SS2's birthday?
why is MIL telling me this story?
C) why the hell did BM invite DH's mom to an ultrasound WHILE DH was pursuing a divorce or had already divorced her?
D) why did MIL find it appropriate to attend an ultrasound with her son's exwife?
Then MIL's husband tells me all about how he use to babysit SS2 for BM all the time when SS2 was younger.
I don't even know how that's possible because DH had SS2 pretty much nonstop. Right now, they only spend four days a month with their mom, and they had the exact same schedule back then. So now we find out that BM was pawning SS2 off on her ex-mother-inlaw's boyfriend during her ONLY real time periods with the kids.
Then they tell me a story about SS2 acting up at a restaurant a couple months ago when they went to dinner with BM, and they laugh and smile like it's charming behavior to act like a brat at a restuarant, and like them going to dinner with BM is something that I'm interested in hearing about.
I have had it up to HERE with stories about BM. I cannot believe that crazy b1tch was pawning the kids off on MIL's boyfriend during her EOW custody. I can't believe she invited MIL and her then boyfriend to a freaking ultrasound appointment. And I can't believe these people think it's appropriate to tell me these stories.
DH has been completely honest with his family about how crazy BM is and how he wants nothing to do with her. They don't care. They want to act like we're one big happy family and like it's not a problem for them to suck up to BM all the time.
They are obsessed with the fantasy/lie that BM is a good person and a real mom. DH tells them every three or four weeks that we have the boys EVERY DAY, and then they are always SHOCKED when they come to town and we have the freaking kids. DH finally got pissed today (after telling his mother we have the boys every day three times) and told her specifically "6:30AM til 4:30PM, Monday through Friday except every other weekend--Saturday and Sunday only."
I am sure she will be shocked next time she comes to town and we have the kids yet again.
Do you steppers get this routine from the inlaws?
ADDENDUM -- don't bother reading this if you're tired of this rant already--
DH and I are talking about having a baby and I am SO FED UP with the inlaws at this point that I cringe when I think about them being anywhere near our future baby. I don't want them holding it. Touching it. Talking to it. I almost wish I could convince them it wasn't DH's baby just so they'd leave the damn kid alone. It's like they're infected with BM. I haven't talked to DH yet, but when I get pregnant I have no intention of telling them anything. I don't want them showing up at the hospital (I'd rather do homebirth anyway, but you never know). I don't feel like they have been supportive of me as Dh's wife, and in that case they haven't earned the right to have a relationship with the child that is created by my being his spouse.
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Comments
Since you guys have the kids,
Since you guys have the kids, I can't really see a reason for them to maintain a relationship with her. I do understand when mom has primary custody, but this is not the case.
Has your DH tried to talk to them about the way they are making you both feel?
Believe it or not, we don't
Believe it or not, we don't have primary custody. The judge literally said he didn't want to change the paperwork, so he keeps filing more hours under "Right of Refusal" so that she is listed as primary custodian even though we have them the majority of the time.
That said, I have no idea why they maintain a relationship with her. I suppose they are convinced DH will lose custody at some point and they won't have access to the kids? I don't know. She's a total scum bag, but they keep insisting she's a real person.
I don't think DH has tried to talk to them about it. He is totally fed up with his family, and says he only lets them come around so the kids can have a relationship with their grandparents. However, I may actually ask him to tell them to shut up about BM when they're at our house. I'm just sick of it, and when DH and I have a baby I don't want our kid growing up hearing about that crazy woman all the time from all its relatives.
Its interesting how often the
Its interesting how often the BMs are sainted after the marriage is over, even though they were harpies to be married to.
She is definitely being
She is definitely being sainted, which is bizarre because she is still a pain in the ass and she is still neglecting her kids.
I think you hit it on the
I think you hit it on the head, they are afraid of losing contact with their grandson(daughter) ((s)), sorry, didn't catch which, whether. Are they calculating or fumbling and innocent in all this? Something about the way you write says to me they are acting obvliviously, although that does not excuse it nor eradicate your feelings about it. Maybe another tact to take is to draw boundaries well before the baby is concieved or born. You have time and hopefully, room. Hopefully.
DH's mom is really gentle and
DH's mom is really gentle and nice and usually doesn't even say much. I guess that is the reason why I think she is either oblivious or motivated by something other than plain meanness. I actually talked to DH about boundaries last night and he seemed fine with all of them.
Haha! I actually made a joke
Haha! I actually made a joke to DH yesterday about doing the twenty questions bit. I think that would be a really good way to show MIL how awkward it is when she brings up BM.
I talked to DH about the situation last night and evidently he text his mom and told her not to bring up BM anymore when she is with us. I'm pretty excited about not having to hear her name anymore. MIL seems really mellow and timid, so I think there won't be any backlash at all.
DH's actually text referred to BM as a "crazy worthless bitch" so I think MIL will probably back off. lol
Since you say that they are
Since you say that they are basically nice people I would just politely ask them to not tell anymore BM stories when they start doing it.
I maintained a relationship with my brother's first wife (still do). But I have never once mentioned her name to 2nd wife in the past 20 years. Why would I?
"I maintained a relationship
"I maintained a relationship with my brother's first wife (still do). But I have never once mentioned her name to 2nd wife in the past 20 years. Why would I?"
This is what I thought. I don't care if they keep a relationship with her. I think it's weird considering how bad she was to DH and how generally manipulative and ridiculous she is. However, if that's what they want to do, then fine. I just don't see why they should bring her up to me. I don't want to talk about her. And the things I have to say about her they probably do not want to hear.
I think it is good for the
I think it is good for the children when the mother maintains good relations with her ex-inlaws. The children feel connected. Why do the in-laws have to pretend that the mother doesn't exist when you are around. How hurtful for the children. I'm sorry you are so insecure in your role as second wife.
>>>Why do the in-laws have to
>>>Why do the in-laws have to pretend that the mother doesn't exist when you are around.<<<
Why do the inlaws have to pretend the BM is a necessary topic of conversation when Madame Hedgehog is around? How hurtful for this woman.
alwayscivil, are you even a
alwayscivil,
are you even a stepparent? why are you here if you have nothing to contribute but criticism (and not even creative criticism)?
As stated before, I don't care if the ex-inlaws keep a relationship with BM. I think it is a little weird because BM has been horrible to DH and has gone out of her way to rip him off in every possible way. But, hey, if that's not the kind of thing that bothers them, cool beans.
The children feel connected to what? I never once saw my mother's side of the family when I was with my dad. I did not feel any more or less connected to them due to that issue.
Why should the inlaws bring her up? If they want to talk to me or to DH, they already know we're not interested in talking about her.
I pretend MIL's exhusband (who I have a decent relationship with) does not exist when MIL is around because I know she does not want to hear about him. I know MIL's current husband does not want to hear about her exhusband. Why would I force a topic on them that they don't want to hear about?
The inlaw is likely making
The inlaw is likely making the comment in front of the grandchild, which would be appropriate. I refer you to the post styled "I'm jealous of x because she exists and had children with my husband." The stepmom here is no different. Step moms are not children. People don't need to walk on eggshells around them and not mention the exes name. It is ridiculous really. and how hurtful for a child that people can't mention her mother around her because insecure step mommy is around.
I find it hard to believe a
I find it hard to believe a child would be hurt if grandma didn't talk about his mother's ultrasound.
Perhaps I should call my paternal grandmother and ream her out for hurting me all those times she didn't talk about my mom's OB/GYN visits in front of my dad's girlfriend.
That'll put everyone in their place, for sure.
Mentioning BM is fine.
Mentioning BM is fine. Spending 30% of a visit talking about BM is not fine, especially considering DH's family has patently refused to hear what HE has to say about BM and our god awful experience with her.
So, it's childish of me to expect the same courtesy from MIL that I extend to her by refraining from mentioning her ex husband (DH's father) when she is around. She doesn't want to hear about him. Her new husband doesn't want to hear about him. I know that, and I want them to feel comfortable so I don't mention DH's dad in front of MIL.
By your suggestion then, in order to do the best thing for the children, DH and I should make sure to mention BM all the time and bring her up in conversation with others? So the kids feel unhurt?
By the way, both grandparents and inlaws are more than welcome to talk to the kids about BM all they want. That's fine. I don't see the point in them talking to me or DH about it though, as they already know we are fed up with her and don't want to hear about it.
A thoughtful and considerate
A thoughtful and considerate person does not mention the ex-spouse to a person even if the new spouse is not around. When it's over, it's over.
I have many friends who are divorced (with and without children). I would NEVER bring up their ex even if we were alone. Why would I do something like that? To remind them of their failed marriage?
Now if a child mentioned their mother or father who was the ex, I would politely listen, but not expand on the conversation.
People are divorced for a reason. They are done sharing their life with that person.
It's not about being jealous that that person exists. It is just basic manners.
A dear friend of mine married a man who was widowed. I would never spend time asking him to talk about his first marriage (which was very happy) or to describe their life together. I wouldn't stop him if he brought her up in passing, but I wouldn't be inquisitive and ask questions or comment on her life.
My best friend died almost two years ago. We were friends since college. I've known her husband as long as she did. I sincerely hope that he finds someone new. But if he does and I am around them I will not bring up all my stories and memories of his first wife. A nice person does not do things like that unless they are really clueless.
thanks, bestwife. this is the
thanks, bestwife. this is the way I treat these situations with people I know, and that is the reason I am so irritated when DH's family goes out of their way to bring up BM when they visit. I've tried really hard not to offend them or mention DH's mom in front of his dad, or the dad in front of the mom, and I feel like they are spitting on that effort when they try to drag me into conversation about BM all the time.