Enough with the guilt MIL
Ok, so my MIL lives in the same state as SS, but not the same city. We do not live in the same state as SS due to DH's job. BM does not allow MIL to see SS unless DH there.
Me and DH haven't been on a honeymoon and we have been married for a year and a half. Every single vacation day and all of our money has ALWAYS been spent on going back home to visit SS (and other family). So, this year we decided to take a vacation JUST me and DH. We have gone through a lot in the least year (infertility, moving 1,100 miles, etc). The infertility has really taken its toll on me and damnit we deserve one! Anyway, a couple of days ago I told MIL we were going on a vacation to FL. Tonight she calls me and this was our conversation:
MIL: "Are y'all coming here (home) for Spring Break?"
Me: "I don't know MIL, I will have to ask DH."
MIL: "Oh, well since y'all are taking a vacation I was wondering when y'all were gonna see SS."
Me: *crickets*
Ok, first of all it is none of her business when we are going to see SS. We are grown ups and I am pretty sure we can make our own decisions and not have to ask mommy.
Second of all, the only reason she wants to know is because she wants to see SS and she can only see him if DH is there. Ummmm...not our problem. She needs to take it up with BM. We aren't the ones who said she can't see him.
Third of all, how dare you bring up our vacation?!? We have never been on a vacation...EVER! We spend all of our time and money going back home to see SS. Home is about 6 1/2 hours away (it used to be 14) and it gets expensive when you take 4 or 5 trips back home a yr. Plus, BM's house is 2 1/2 hours away from out hometown and BM will NOT meet us half way so we have to drive another 4 hr round trip just to pick him up.
MIL does this all.the.time. She makes me wanna stab her in the eye!!! The last time we were there (Christmas) she said, "I just don't feel like I got to spend enough time with SS." Really?!? He was there for a whole week! What else do you want us to do about it? DH cannot find a job back home-I look for jobs all the time. We spend all of our time there and the one time we don't, it gets thrown into our face?
My MIL is a sweet person, but with this she really grates on my last nerve! She doesn't even want us to have kids bc there can never be another SS! Really?!? So, I am suppose to miss out on being a mother bc my husband had a child with another woman? Bite my ass! I'm sure MIL is loving the fact that I am suffering from infertility :sick:
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Comments
Aww I'd say this is the
Aww I'd say this is the reason you need the vacation so much.
Enjoy your time! forget the rest of them.
Thank you youngmama!! We
Thank you youngmama!! We plan on having a blast!! Even if I am knocked up by then
hey good luck on getting
hey good luck on getting pregnant!! I know what it feels like..but it is definitely a blessing when it does happen. It is really hard to do, and I know everyone says don't try. Honestly, that's all it took for me. The month I stopped trying because I thought it would never happen...whaddayaknow?? missed period and two pink lines on my pregnancy test! I even took one of the first response fertility tests because I was worried that was why I wasn't knocked up.
ENJOY YOUR VACA! if you are preggo..just play it safe and don't get too worked up
Thanks stressed! We have
Thanks stressed! We have tried the whole "not trying" approach and it just didn't work out for us...I sure wish it did though! So happy to hear that it worked for you! Infertility is no joke and I'm glad you got through it and now have your miracle.
Oh, I most definitely plan to
Oh, I most definitely plan to leave it all behind! I'm ready to have a good ole' time with DH }:) It just bothers me because I know this isn't the last time she will try to make me feel guilty about something. And she NEVER says anything to DH just to me....GRRRR. Thanks!!! It is still a few months away, but I think about it everyday!
That's pretty crappy on BMs
That's pretty crappy on BMs part. Enjoy your vacation
I think it is crappy on BM's
I think it is crappy on BM's part too, especially bc she comes to our hometown often. Her parents live in our hometown and SS hates visiting with them, but she makes him. If she needs someone to watch SS, she will take him to her mom's house and not to MIL's.
80% of the time MIL is just
80% of the time MIL is just as sweet as she wants to be. The other 20% she lays the guilt trip on ME, not even DH, because she knows DH will get mad at her and hurt her feelings. I know that I am part of the problem and I should stand up and say something or let DH (because he has offered), but I don't want there to be friction between us.
Email her some info on
Email her some info on grand-parent's rights in her and SS's state. Give the problem back to her.
And yes, enjoy the hell out of your va-ca.
She won't do anything about
She won't do anything about it because she has no money. We have already talked about it. She just keeps saying, "I wish y'all would get custody of SS". Which 1.) Is never gonna happen because BM doesn't mistreat SS 2.) If we did get SS, I would be the one taking care of him the majority of the time because of DH's work schedule (he works 15-18 hrs per day) and we would have to seriously talk about that before we decided to do that.
Anyway, thank you and I sure as hell plan on it
Not meaning to sound horrible
Not meaning to sound horrible and am sure your MIL is perfectly lovely with other things, BUT a "sweet" person doesnt make passive aggressive remarks to YOU about your ss and how you spend your time/money, and the fact she doesnt want more grandchildren! Thats an awful thing to say to someone and I would be spitting mad if my MIL even dared hint towards that. The fact she only tells you says to me she either is too afraid to say the same things she says to you to DH, OR (more likely impo) she feels you are the one who is in the decision making role in your relationships/are to blame for making what she considers "selfish" decisions. Either way, next time tell her this vacation is your honeymoon which every single person is entitled to and that she needs to address any issues she has with BM regarding access to ss - make sure your DH is on board with you on this.
You're right Delilah and you
You're right Delilah and you don't sound horrible. She is very passive/aggressive and it gets on my nerves bc I am just an aggressive type person...LOL. I say what I think and move on. MIL hasn't come right out and said it, but I know that is what she is thinking because if I ever bring it up, all you ever hear is silence. She is not excited in.the. least about having another grandchild. There is a night and day difference between her reaction and my mother's reactions. I told DH that when w have our child, if she shows favortisim towards SS, me and our child, will not be back unless she can adjust her attitude. He agreed and said he wouldn't go either. She is afraid of DH and she knows I am the primary decision maker and she probably blames me to. I know that she blames me for the arguments me and DH have (that's another story). DH will be on board and the only reason he hasn't said anything up until now is bc I wanted to keep the peace, but I told him last night that the time might be coming up for him to say something.
Lostinthemadness ^^^^^This!
Lostinthemadness ^^^^^This! I will most definitely start doing this.
StepAside, MIL will cross
StepAside,
MIL will cross boundaries and has no problems doing it or crying to try and get her way. For example: She wanted to come to our house for Thanksgiving and I said that was fine. She then called DH and said the only way she would come is if she brought her two dogs with her. I had already told her no a few months back because 1.) We live in an apartment and they wouldn't allow it 2.) They piss all over everything and I'm not having my brand new furniture ruined or the carpet in the apartment 3.) She will want the dogs to sleep in the bed (She sleeps in our bed when she comes) and our dog and cat doesn't even sleep in the bed with us. So, DH told her no and she started crying and saying well, I let y'alls dog come to my house. That pissed me off. The situation is different 1.) She owns the house 2.) My dog doesn't piss all over your house, she goes outside. 3.) Even if she DID have an accident their house has nothing but tile as our apartment has carpet.
I agree that she needs to take it up with BM, but I know she will never do it because I think she is afraid of BM.
Ironically, my DH will stand up to MIL, but I haven't let him because I don't want there to be tension. I know, I know, it's my fault and I should let DH say something. I'm fortunate in the fact that MIL can't work over DH, he doesn't let her do it.
Yeah, I told DH last night that its coming time for him to say something to her. It's just getting old and it hurts my feelings.
Scubed- You're right. I do
Scubed-
You're right. I do need to limit what I tell MIL. That's been my fault. DH never tells her anything, so that blame lies on me.
He is great! He doesn't tell
He is great! He doesn't tell MIL anything nor does he let her make him feel guilty.
LOL...it sounds like me and your DH are similar. I'm the type of person that I will pretty much talk about anything/everything. I'm just an open book like that. I do need to monitor wat I say to her though
Back the truck up a minute.
Back the truck up a minute. Why do you answer the phone when MIL calls?
In our house,if BM calls, DH hands the phone to the skids and they talk to her. If MIL calls when she's being a bitch to DH and he needs a cooling off period, he hands the phone to the skids or just doesn't answer. I do not do ever answer for MIL or BM. She wants to talk to the skids, skids better get to the phone in time. She wants to talk to DH, she'd better hope DH is in the mood to talk with her.
My MIL exists as little as possible in my life by design and we have custody! I don't need to deal with her. I'm sure she can be a "sweet person" to her friends or her other kids but she's a bitch to me and tries to guilt trip so I make DH deal with her. He and his therapist can decide how he does that.
Why even put yourself in the position of being insulted? Don't talk to her unless you're together at an event or something and DH is there to run interferance for you. Then you can be sweet as sugar and say, "oh, I usually have my phone on vibrate so I miss a lot of calls and when it's you I just assume you've already told DH what you were calling for". }:)
Back the truck up a minute.
Back the truck up a minute. Why do you answer the phone when MIL calls?
In our house,if BM calls, DH hands the phone to the skids and they talk to her. If MIL calls when she's being a bitch to DH and he needs a cooling off period, he hands the phone to the skids or just doesn't answer. I do not do ever answer for MIL or BM. She wants to talk to the skids, skids better get to the phone in time. She wants to talk to DH, she'd better hope DH is in the mood to talk with her.
My MIL exists as little as possible in my life by design and we have custody! I don't need to deal with her. I'm sure she can be a "sweet person" to her friends or her other kids but she's a bitch to me and tries to guilt trip so I make DH deal with her. He and his therapist can decide how he does that.
Why even put yourself in the position of being insulted? Don't talk to her unless you're together at an event or something and DH is there to run interferance for you. Then you can be sweet as sugar and say, "oh, I usually have my phone on vibrate so I miss a lot of calls and when it's you I just assume you've already told DH what you were calling for". }:)
Thank you everyone for the
Thank you everyone for the advice. I really appreciate it
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from imaSmom. MIL and BM did NOT get along when DH and BM were married, so I know this factors into why BM won't let SS go over there. I just wish MIL would'nt make us feel guilty for it. It isn't our fault that BM won't let SS go over there without DH.
SA, We do stay at MIL's when
SA,
We do stay at MIL's when we come into town and she doesn't want it any other way. That way she gets to see SS the whole time he is there. Thanks for the warning SA. I have a feeling that it is going to become a pissing match. Problem with MIL is she want it her way with no compromise. For instance, if we were to stay at my sister's house with my dog, she would get her feelings hurt and cry about that too. Yet, she wants to throw it up in our face that our dog can stay at her house (she has 5 dogs) yet she can't bring hers to ours. Oh, and I might add that the house isn't technically hers-she lives with her mother. So it is her mother's house and her mother has no problem with it. MIL is the only one that does.
I am sure it is going to get worse because it has already begun and MIL is bi-polar, which makes the situation even worse. She is on meds, but it definitely factors into her actions
StepAside, would you please
StepAside, would you please contact my in-laws and tell them where they stand in this family? DH has tried and they're not hearing it. Seems like you've got it down.
Thanks SA! That sucks that
Thanks SA! That sucks that your MIL did that to you! I cannot stand people who use religion as a shield. I hate a hypocrite! She should be ashamed of herself. It is people like her that give religion a bad name. Well, she made her bed and now she has to lay in it. If she wasn't the person she is, she might be hearing about y'alls kids more often. I hope it doesn't end that way with my MIL, but if this goes on for much longer, than I'm just going to have to stop talking to her. I really wanted to have a good relationship with her, but if it is going to be with her constantly being passive/aggressive than I'm out.