It took me a long time and a lot of arguing to figure out that he isn't a terrible father. He is just limited in his parental capabilities. Not everyone is a fighter. Not everyone is a warrior parent. Not everyone is cut out to fight this fight. We all have limitations. My DH is no exception to that. In fact, to be honest and fair, he may be more limited than most.

The real problem is the BM and the fact that SD and SS live with her. They live 100+ away from us. BD is limited to the "every other weekend" and having phone conversations with the teachers, etc. Sometimes BM will answer the phone when he calls during the week, most of the time she doesn't. We take the kids to therapy when they are with us. But then they go back to their BMs house - leaving us to start all over again when they come back the next weekend. It's a horrible vicious cycle for everyone involved, but especially for the kids.

Every weekend, the skids come through that front door like gangbusters. Pissed off and angry about some new shit their mother has put in their heads. We then spend the rest of the day trying to calm them down - only to have to send them back to that hell 24 hours later.

I feel like I need to get it out in writing, I need to make a list of just some of the stuff the BM has done.

1. When BM found out we were taking the kids to therapy, she told the kids that, "therapy is for idiots." And then taunted them about being idiots because they are in therapy.

2. We established a "no sugar" rule in our house, because they are out of control when they eat sugar. So she told them that we are stupid and that, because the skids are young, they don't have to worry about getting fat. At which point, she fed them a shit ton of sugar before sending them over and gave them candy to hide in their rooms in our house.

3. BM told the kids that the BD doesn't want them and hasn't paid his CS in over a year. And that because "we" are deadbeat parents, they don't have power in their house, can't buy food and their baby bother (not the BS of my DH) doesn't have diapers. So the skids come over screaming at us about being "deadbeats." TRUTH: We had to print out the report off of the State CS website to prove to the skids that their father DOES pay his CS. In fact, that there mother had been paid over $13k in 12 months.

4. She told the kids that their father never wanted them to live when she was pregnant and that he forced her to carry a bunch of heavy stuff when she was moving, hoping to cause her to have a miscarriage. Truth: the BM and my DH never lived together and he never helped her move. When he wouldn't marry her because she was pregnant - she moved over 100+ miles away, in the night, with no notice to anyone, and wouldn't tell my DH where she was.

5. She told the skids that their father really doesn't want anything to do with them. And that if she were to offer him to only HAVE to see them once per month in return for never having to pay child support again - that their father would take the money and run.

6. She has the SD coming over here with a camera with the soul intent of snooping through other people's belongings to find "incriminating" stuff. She was then instructed to take pictures of that stuff to show to her mother. What kinds of incriminating stuff? Oh, how about pictures of my underwear. Or a photo that my DH took of me with his phone while I was wearing my bathing suit. Yes, the SD took a picture of a picture - to show to her mother because I was "half-naked."

7. We had to make a "Rule Board" in our home so that all expectations and rules would be clearly defined for all. This way, it would be easier for my DH to be an effective parent and so that the kids would know what was expected of them while they are in our home. The SD was instructed to take a picture of it, to show her mother. The BM then proceeded to tell the kids that all of our rules were stupid and that they didn't have to follow any of them if they didn't want to.

8. If anyone in the house even attempts to discipline the kids, you know, such as physically leading them to the Time Out chair. (They destroy a lot of property when they get out of control. So sometimes their father has to take them by the arm to get them under control.) At that point, both the SS and the SD start screaming about how he is "abusing" them. They will call their mother, tell her that dad is abusing them and then the BM tells them that she is writing it down. And, judging by the conversation on our end, she is asking leading questions such as, "Did it hurt?" The kid will say, "Yeah it hurt a little." Or, "is there a mark?" The kid will say, "Yeah, there was a little red mark, but it went away."

For instance, one time the SD took her seatbelt off while her father was driving down the road. She was jumping around in the backseat, screaming and swearing and trying to hit her brother. Her father was yelling at her to sit down. She refused. So he is trying to pull over (on the freeway), and is flailing his arm behind his seat to try to get ahold of her to force her to sit down. In the process, he slaps her leg. She starts screaming that he is abusing her. She calls her mother, tells her that, "Daddy is abusing me." Then my DH hears the BM tell SD that she is, "writing it down in the notebook and making a record of it."

9. She told the skids that I really have 5 children, instead of just the one they've met. (My only child, a BS is 16). But that all of the others have been taken away from me by the CPS because I abused them all and that I am currently involved in some huge custody battle between the state and all of these kids fathers to try to get them back, but the state won't give me my kids back because of how horrible of a parent I am.

10. The BM lets the skids watch shows such as GLEE at her house. But the moment we do, we are accused of being bad parents.

11. She schedules activities for the skids when it's their weekend to come to see their father. Then, has the skids call to ask their father to not have to come over. Then, when my DH asserts his rights as a father and insists that they come over, the skids start crying and then BM gets on the phone and screams at him, with the skids in the background, about being "selfish" and "always putting his own needs before his children."

12. Filed for an increase in CS the first business day following our wedding. The BM feels that she is *entitled* to MY income. I took great pleasure in watching her get SPANKED by our lawyer when she couldn't justify the increase just 2 short months after the new amount had been ordered.

13. Told the skids that she can't ever take a vacation or that her and her new husband couldn't have a real wedding or a honeymoon because their father doesn't pay his CS on time. Again, we had to print out the report showing the skids that their father DOES pay his support and then talk to them about how we aren't responsible for making sure their mother can take a vacation or have a "nice" wedding, but that our only responsibility is to make sure THEY are cared for.

14. When the SD was busted stealing some swim goggles from a swim program. The BM told the swim instructor, in front of the SD, "What's the big deal? They are just swim goggles."

15. Told my DH that he had no business getting a new car (new to him = a used car) when his kids need shoes. Again, she gets the CS. It is taken right out of his check. In a 12 month period, she received over $13k. He has zero arrearages.

16. Told her family members, in an attempt to borrow money from them, that my DH hadn't paid his CS in over a year and that he and I bought a house while she is struggling to pay her bills and buy food. Her family shows up at our house to find out "what's really going on..." only to be shown that we are living in the in-laws basement because the BM is getting our mortgage payment every month. (I am a full time student set to grad in August).

17. Has an associates degree and is a certified phlebotomist, but refuses to work. The judge will only impute a part-time minimum wage income to her. You know, because she has this other baby to take care of = not the BS of my DH.

18. This new husband of hers is the 3rd man she has had the skids call dad other than their father.

19. Has a criminal record as long as my arm. Her record includes: credit card fraud, arson, larceny, writing bad checks, and gas & go's.

20. Called us crying about how come we get new clothes, but she can't have anything new. And that she has to save her pennies to buy a cheap car for cash, while we get to have nicer cars.

21. Has committed welfare fraud by continuing to use the birth certificates for the skids that have HER last name on it, instead of the birth certificates that have their father's last name on it.

Every single time my DH steps up to the plate to get involved with his children, the BM loses her freaking mind. And she doesn't just take it out on my DH. She emotionally abuses the children. Her HAP behavior is so aggressive, that these kids don't know what to think or to feel. These kids aren't even allowed to have their own feelings. They can only feel what BM tells them they can feel.

So my DH tries to do stuff, but the skids pay for it when he does. So he does what he can.

I WISH that the judge in the family courts would do something about her. My DH already spent $12k in legal fees trying to get custody of his kids, because of how horrible and f*cked up the BM is. There was witness, after witness, after testimony, after evidence, and more evidence to show cause to the judge. His response was to over-turn the FOC's decision to grant custody to my DH, based upon, get ready for this:

"What is a home? A home is where the mother is..."

And he put the skids right back into BM's care.

I WISH I could video how these kids behave, the things they repeat from their mother, and the crap she pulls - tie that judge into a chair and force him to watch it. He DESTROYED these two children because he just couldn't wrap his brain around the fact that, simply by virtue of having a vagina, the BM was not the better parent.

So I love my husband. I would love for him to do more for his kids. If they were my kids, I would do wayyyy more for them. But I get it when he chooses to not do certain things because the consequence to the kids from their BM would be too high. She's a freaking lunatic and will stop at nothing.

The outsider looking in may say, "Put her in her place!"

But those of us involved know that sometimes doing nothing is really causing the least amount of damage. We do what we can, when we can.

Shoot, because of my tutilage and advice, my DH has done way more than he ever had before I came along. Before I came along, he was paralyzed with fear. I've lifted him up and helped him out. BUT, I can only do so much. I've learned that if I want to have a happy marriage, I have to let him decide what his boundaries are with HIS kids. He may not do everything I tell him to, and it is frustrating to watch how hurt and damaged these kids are, but they are NOT my kids.

And if the law around here won't recognize what she does as abuse - we have no ground to stand on other than to take them to therapy every other weekend and to PRAY that something, anything we do for them will sink in and make a difference later.

I could go on and on. It's a f*cked situation for real.