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Help my stepdaughter is rulling the house

ilovehim's picture

Submitted by ilovehim on Mon, 02/27/2012 - 9:08am

Hi...I'm new to this site...I am engaged. We love each other much. He has a 13 year old daughter. She started living with him about 8 months after we meet. Her mother is in AA and suffers from bi-polor and the 13 year old had to move in with us. We always got along very well until about 5 months ago. Her dad is afraid that when his x gets out of the rehab that hiw daughter is moving in with her. So he is giving her what ever she wants. She talkes to him like crap. She tells him to shut up and when he says what ever. He just lets her get away with it. She has resently got suspended and when all was said, she said that she misses her mom and this is why she is acting like this. She was or is dating and having oral sex with a 17 year boy. I think she should have been disaplended and she needs contraception. She will not talk to me because she knows I will tell her father if I believe she is getting into trouble. She also became angry when she was lieing to her father and I said that it was a lie. Now he wants me to not say anything to her when she is not following the rules. but when I tell him, he does nothing and the lake of respect that she shows to both of us is increasing. I know from experience with raising 3 children. Mine are 30, 29 and 28 that giving a child every thing they want out of quilt or fear will only ruin the child. The problem is at boiling point. A while back she wanted to start taking a shower in the morning. She was told that she had to get up by 5 and out of the bathroom by 5:30. That is when I take my shower and since it takes her 2 hours to get dressed she agreeded. Now she can get dressed faster and started taking her shower then laing back down. then she started sleeping until 5:20 (10 minutes before I get up) then jump in the shower. this causes me to either be late for work or not take a shower. He is caught in the middle. I am always changing my schedule and planes to help him with her schedule and I feel bad because he is in the middle, however I don't think she should just think everything revolves around her and not show me the respect that should be shown. Thanks for letting me vent. I do feel better. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that if I continue to let her role the house that it will only get worse and if I don't, she will use me as an excuse to move back with her mom. When I know she is going to move back with her anyway. Her mom will liet her do what ever she wants and that is what a 13 year old girl wants. Any advise.

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herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Mon, 02/27/2012 - 9:26am

Sorry, but could you say this OUTLOUD...

"Now he wants me to not say anything to her when she is not following the rules."

and then this

"I am always changing my schedule and planes to help him with her schedule and I feel bad because he is in the middle, "

OK, now, exactly, why the heck are you changing your schedule for these two who have ZERO consideration for you?
In addition, why do YOU feel bad for anyone when it is THEY who have no consideration for you?

I think you need to keep these two lines in your head, say them over and over again, until the "feeling bad for them and changing your schedule" is no longer part of what you are doing.

These two are taking advantage of you and you are feeling sorry for them. That is the problem. And you are not even married? Are you kidding?

I am sorry, I don't know how old you are, and it doesn't seem that you have kids...but I have to tell you that you are starting off very wrong. I can tell you that my marriage did not start out that way. Yes, my DH gave in a lot to idiot ex and skid, but NEVER did he allow the little shit to disrespect me...never was I to be her taxi either...and even with that, it's tough...I was already in my 30s when we met. There is NO WAY in HELL that someone in their 20s, if you are in your 20s, should ever put up with this starting out as girlfriend/boyfriend...no way.

Please, please, read up around here...buy Stepmonster and most of all, Ex-wives, Ex-lives...and read them...you will see what awaits you...and starting out this way is NOT good.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Mon, 02/27/2012 - 9:37am

RUN!!

ilovehim's picture

Submitted by ilovehim on Mon, 02/27/2012 - 10:22am

I had to reply to this. He is not a bio dad. He has always been there for his kids. When she lived with her mom, we were always picking up his daughter because her mom was drunk on the couch. She is a nut (clincally diagnosed) and I'm sure when she getts out of rehab, She will really like having her daughter telling her I need a ride right now. OR you are stupid stut up. It will be intresting and I feel sorry for her mother. Her father is a good christian man that puts family first. That is one of the reasons I love him.

ilovehim's picture

Submitted by ilovehim on Mon, 02/27/2012 - 10:30am

Thanks for the laught. I know what teenage girls are like. I raised one. I have tryed not to play the game with her. I think when a child is playing games, you let them know that it will not be tolirated and let them know what they are doing is wrong and why it is wrong. I have never delt with a step child though. I am always giving and her father knows I do and tryes not to ask me to do things because he knows that I will give and give. I think I have just reached my breaking point. She talkes to him so disrespectful and I just want to say "DON'T TALK TO YOUR FATHER THAT WAY". Maybe I'm old fashion, but I believe in respect. We don't tell her to shut-up.

ilovehim's picture

Submitted by ilovehim on Mon, 02/27/2012 - 10:30am

Thanks for the laught. I know what teenage girls are like. I raised one. I have tryed not to play the game with her. I think when a child is playing games, you let them know that it will not be tolirated and let them know what they are doing is wrong and why it is wrong. I have never delt with a step child though. I am always giving and her father knows I do and tryes not to ask me to do things because he knows that I will give and give. I think I have just reached my breaking point. She talkes to him so disrespectful and I just want to say "DON'T TALK TO YOUR FATHER THAT WAY". Maybe I'm old fashion, but I believe in respect. We don't tell her to shut-up.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Mon, 02/27/2012 - 10:12am

Make her take her shower at night. Or get a tankless water heater and that problem is solved.

As for her running the household, get used to it. It gets worse around 14 and then all hell breaks loose if the dad is not disciplining the child enough...

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Mon, 02/27/2012 - 10:44am

This is only going to get worse if your SO doesn't put his foot down and start being a parent. Living in fear of her leaving him isn't helping her.

ilovehim's picture

Submitted by ilovehim on Mon, 02/27/2012 - 11:56am

Thanks. You are right. Friday she got up at 5:20 and was out of the shower by 5:35 and makes the comment to him. "She can't wait five minutes". this morning..She gets in the shower at 5:00 and don't get out until 5:40 and when he tells her (once again) you need to be out by 5:30. She said "I got in by 5:00 what do you want". I had it at that point. and it takes alot to get under my skin. Friday she took a 15 minute shower. today a 4o minute shower and when he said to me I don't know what to do. I told him to be a parent and stop letting her do what every she wants. I am going to have a discussion tonight and tell him that he needs to stop worring about her leaving and start being a parent. His x let their oldest child run wild and I told him he is doing the same thing. He is always talking about how he had no say in the raising of the first child, but here he goes doing the same thing. Don't know if he realized what I was trying to tell him or not. I'm going to tell him again tonight that I will not let her disrespect me and if he allows it that I will not live with a man that would treat me this way or allow anyone else. My children treat him with respect. I would have it no other way. I am not un evil stepmom and there is noone that would acuse me of not being a fair person, so He is going to have to man up and stand up to her.

She has been visiting her mom every week in rehad for the past few months and I may be paranoid, but I think her mom is giving her pointers. His x use to push him around until I came in the picture and I know she would start shit if she could. Everyone warned me about dating a guy with minor kids...and a crazy x. I think alot of her problems started when her mom entered rehab. We had to force her to visit her mom before she went into rehab.