Am I being too sensitive? (Regarding Tween SD)
Hello all, it has been a while since I have posted on here. I am SM to a 12 year girl, and for the most part, I feel we have I good relationship, although not perfect. I have been in her life since she was 5 years old.
I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with my first child, and am beyond excited. However, since my pregnancy, my SD has become increasingly cold and distant towards me. Just the other day, DH and SD were sitting on the couch together, and we were all discussing the upcoming week together as a family. I reminded DH that I have a Dr.'s appointment coming up, and SD retorted, "Well, that doesn't really concern US." (meaning her and DH) I was shocked, but kept my cool and simply replied, "Well, it concerns your father."
I think it hurts because I make such an effort with her. I set up playdates at the lake with my friends that have kids her age, I take classes with her at the community college, taught her how to knit, bake, etc. But part of me feels like, why bother? She criticizes everything that I do. When we pick her up from her mom's she runs and gives her Dad a hug but gives me the cold shoulder. When I address these feelings with my husband, he simply replies, "Don't take it personally, she's only 12. She loves you." I find this hard to believe. Because of her behavior, I am becoming increasingly resentful towards her. My question is, shold I just let her behavior go and hope that she comes around? Is this due to her age? I want to be excited about the baby, but it's hard to be when it seems like no one else in the house is. Thanks for listening.
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Comments
What a little bitch. SD16
What a little bitch. SD16 likes to make comments to try to dictate what goes on in our house. I shut her down everytime. Next time, I would say, "This doesn't concern YOU. You are not part of this conversation." STFU
12 year olds know right from
12 year olds know right from wrong. she's being a bitch on purpose. she's jealous of you and the baby. if your baby is a girl, she'll probably lose her mind. being pregnant means you aren't going anywhere. it's more permanant than a marriage in her eyes, most likely. i don't buy into all this crap where that kind of behavior has to be tolerated because it's an adjustment for the kid or whatever. there is no excuse for rude, disrespectful behavior.
try not to let that brat's crap get you down. focus on yourself and your baby and enjoy this time. you will never be pregnant for the first time again. do NOT let her take this from you.
She is jealous that she won't
She is jealous that she won't be Daddy's little girl anymore. If you want, you can try and reassure her that no one would ever steal her place and that a parents heart is big enough to love all their kids. I can foresee her getting nastier as the pregnancy progresses. And no...you should NEVER let that type of behavior go. When she hugs Dad and ignores you, call her out. "Excuse me, you do realize that it is bad manners to ignore another human being. Or did I have Windex for breakfast, therefore making me transparent?" When she says snippy things like "That doesn't concern us." You reply "Actually, I wasn't speaking to you, so speak when spoken to." YOU nip it in the bud. Kids will test you, don't let her get away with that shit.
Don't take that "she's only
Don't take that "she's only 12" crap. Sheer unadulterated bullshit, if you ask me. Yes, she's 12. Yes, she's a tween, and likely extremely self-centered. SD16 was at that age. Don't put up with the selfish crap. How else will she learn that it's unacceptable?
I bust out SD16 on her unintentional racism. BM is a horrible bigot (think the 'n'-word, among others) and SD16 seems to think the phrases, "I like most Hispanic people, but not..." or "he's that way because he's black" are acceptable. NOT TO ME!! Why even MENTION someone's race unless you're describing him or her physically? If I didn't call her out on it, she wouldn't know it was nasty behavior - and she might end up with her lights punched out in college, or fired as an adult.
Don't get your hopes up too high that she's going to be as excited about the baby as you are - but there is NO CALL for her to be rude, in so, so, so many ways.
You need your husband to step
You need your husband to step up. Using the excuse she is only __ years old will never stop. Not unless u stop him. What she is doing is disrespectful yes she is a teenager but that doesnt give her a right to disrespect an adult.
Personally if he doesnt step up and she contuines I would have a private convo. Explain to her if she is disrespectfull, rude, mean, or nasty to you then you will not contuine to drive her anywhere, help her with any task, sign her up for classes, ect. What you put into the relationship is up to you. She has a mother, you can disengage from her.
Thanks everyone, it's good to
Thanks everyone, it's good to no that Im not the only one who has experienced this. I believe that before the pregnancy I was never seen as a threat, but now that "Daddy" (she still calls him that) is going to have another little one it won't be just about little princess anymore. It just makes me sad, because I believed that we had a strong bond, although no, I have never loved her like say, I love my nephews because they are my blood. It seems like now that im pregnant, she wants nothing to do with me at all and is clinging to her Dad for dear life. I remember being close to my Dad at this age, but never this ridiculous. I will just take everyone's advice and enjoy the pregnancy, what motherhood will bring, and let this kid know who is boss. What do I have to lose?
My SD11 calls DH
My SD11 calls DH "DAAAAADDDDDYYYYYYY". It's freaking annoying as hell. I love my Skids. I don't love them like I love MY kids. But I have been in their life for so long that you can't help but bond with them. Yes, 100% your pregnancy is threatening her place and she is acting out. Show her whose boss, I really believe that if she understands that her "place" will never be lost in her dads heart, she might even enjoy the role of the big sister. It's up to you and him to reassure her of that. Kids are retarded, what the hell do they know. We know their brains don't fully develop until their early 20's, what do you expect? LOL...
OK, well she has been the
OK, well she has been the ONLY for 12 yrs. And now she is about to be supplanted. Of course she is shitty.
BUT .... in saying this your DH should have nipped her off. "DD, do not talk to my wife like that!" Has that ever happened?
Kids behave the way they behave because they have been ALLOWED to. Your DH should be making it clear disrespecting adults only serve to make life difficult.
And sadly just because you tried to be nice to her doesn't mean she saw it that way. Just because you did nice things for her doesn't mean she owes you life long love and acceptance.
So back off. Don't make her favourite cookies. Don't knit her a scarf in her fav colours. Don't run her to her little friends place because she wants to go there. Don't make any decisions for her. She wants to get a movie? She has to ask her Dad. She wants to go to the pool? She has to ask her Dad.
Eventually she will come to you and ask, "Why don't you do XYZ anymore?" At this time you sit her down and tell her how you are not going to help her out in any way as long as she continues to be rude to you. So this is her loss not yours.
And remind your DH that allowing his daughter to speak to you like this is allowing her to grow up to be a rude young woman. Age has nothign to do with it. and in the meantime you will speak to ehr the way she speaks to you.
My SD 9 has only once (when
My SD 9 has only once (when pressed) aknowledged my pregnancy, and I am 8 months along. Both skids (then 5 and 6) were excited for my first pregnancy, but this time they seem completely disinterested. Ss10 has asked when the baby will be here a few times, but SD has only ever aknowledged it when we took them all to the gender ultrasound and the tech had to ask her three times before shed answer if she was hoping for a boy or a girl.
People are always saying.... Oh the kids must he so excited, or its good that you have the skids to help. I just kind of smile and nod. I worry about SD being spiteful with the new baby, as she's the sneaky mean type, and she can only pretend he doesn't exist for so long. Once he's born she will have to face the reality that once shin, she's not the center of the universe.
But bs(stb3) is excited enough for everyone. He talks about his baby brother all day long. He sings to him, talks to him, gives me food to eat for him. And thats all I really wanted, for him to have a little buddy to go through life with. If the skids never show an interest, that's fine with me. They have each other (even though they fight like cats and dogs) and my BIOS can have each other too.
oneoffour, sadly, DH and I
oneoffour, sadly, DH and I have different ideas of what being disrespectful is. SD has gotten in trouble countless times at her mom and Stepdad's house due to her attitude and running her mouth.........but again, DH chalks it up to her age and points out that it is hard on her to go from house to house, that is how teenage girls are, don't take it personal, etc, etc. I also believe that since we only see SD on the weekends, he doesn't want to spend the whole time arguing with her. Im not defending him at all, just trying to rationalize his behavior. To his credit, he did recently have her start doing chores around the house, instead of waiting on her hand and foot. I am going to take your advice and not do so much for her, it isn't helping and she sure doesn't appreciate it, so why bother? Let her mom and dad deal with her.
Oh well, so what, another
Oh well, so what, another child in the family? I remember my SD begged us to have a baby when we got married, kept asking and asking until we told her to stop.
This past year she told me, "I would have had a HUGE problem if another child was living with my dad and I wasn't."??
Answer 1. we begged you to live with us and you refused and flunked school, acted out, etc. and 2. I cannot relate at all as I am one of 6 kids?? and NEVER expected the world to revolve around me!!
To me all this, oh I am displaced just sounds completely selfish and to encourage that or even support it is ruining the child imo. Children do not decide who is in their family, the end.