Biological Mom cuts their hair and they don't like it
Hello, I have two stepkids and their biological mom is always cutting their hair. The girls are 7 and 8. They go to catholic school and they so badly want to have long hair like the other girls at school. Every 5-6 weeks their mom gives them a choice to have their hair chin length or just above the shoulders, just when their hair is getting to the place where they love it. The 8 year old has curly hair so when it's short it is very curly and she doesn't like it but accepts it because "mommy said I have to". All the same a few days ago, right before easter, her mom did it again. She told the girls that they have to get it cut because it's too knotty. Oh Pleeeeease, it takes two minutes max to brush their hair, I know, I do it all the time for them and it's not that knotty. Buy some detangler then. The youngest one has STRAIGHT hair that never knots up but all the same she got a cut too. They always play with their dolls and braid their hair. They always ask for braids from me and I try so hard to get their short hair in one, it's so upsetting. I told their dad and he is going to talk to her but I can't help but feel how Mommy Dearest this is. I think it is important to note that she has her hair cut to just above the shoulders so they both look like mini me carbon copies of her now. I don't really have any relationship with her, she's a very quiet ex wife who doesn't rock the boat but when she does things like this, I get so upset. By the way, she also bathes them about every 3-4 days. What do you guys think?
Please note that I have not intention of battling with the mother, this is my own internal feeling.
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Oh wow. That's awful. I do
Oh wow. That's awful. I do not agree that a step mother should cut a child's hair, it's not her place to do so unless their father has asked her to so I can see how you would be upset. I am definitely not fighting any battle here. I will never discuss this with her directly, I just feel so awful for the girls. It almost seems as though she doesn't want to be bothered so she cuts it short so that it wont take her as long to get them ready (she has a part time job and her family has money so she doesn't have to work). I would rather know that she cuts it for some other reason. She also bathes them too infrequently, she waits until they come to us much of the time. This is why I am upset because it's things like these where she takes the easy way out for herself and that's why she has to do this regardless of their feelings.
IMO, they're her kids...it's
IMO, they're her kids...it's up to her to get them haircuts when & how she chooses.
My mom kept my hair short for that same reason. I remember wanting the braids myself, but I also remember complaining & crying & fighting her relentlessly before she finally just got it cut.
Honestly, the length of their hair isn't worth you getting upset over. You like it long. She likes it short. They're her kids, so she wins.
As far as the bathing, why does that bother you?
No I don't care if it's long
No I don't care if it's long or short. I care that it matters to the girls. It really does. The bathing part bothers me because they are smelly when the get to us.
#1 lesson for kids...you
#1 lesson for kids...you can't always get what you want
#2 lesson for kids...parents are in charge
Tell them how nice their hair looks & that you really like it short. They'll have less issue with it. It sounds like you have a easy-going BM who isn't out to make your life Hell. Really appreciate that. She could break your world if she wanted to. Don't let haircuts be the death of an otherwise pleasant & laid-back BM.
I agree that you can't always
I agree that you can't always get what you want. I do not agree that you would be spoling your child if you let them grow their hair just to the point where it will take a braid. They always beg her to let it be longer. She ALWAYS cuts it. Isn't there a point where you should ask yourself as a mother "is it really that important to me that i cut their hair?" "is it really that knotty and how much extra time would it take to brush it?" The children are not asking to watch an extra hour of television or to have an expensive toy. They are asking to just once be able to have pretty braids. The mothers in this forum who say "it's her kids can she can cut it the way she wants to". I UNDERSTAND that but i also understand how it should be to consider your child's strong feelings if it's not an unreasonable request. These kids don't get much. Their mom is very wealthy, she takes the child support and dresses them in hand me down clothes with holes in them. She bathes them infrequently and the smell when they get to us. The oldest all of a sudden just started crying one day becasue i told her what a great job she did helping clean up. She said she was crying because i was so nice...and that i said what a great job she did. I guess you guys can't see what i am seeing.
It's a convenience to BM to
It's a convenience to BM to have their hair short. Sometimes convenience IS important.
You can't accept her reasons for wanting to keep it short, yet you seem to put a lot of importance in having it long.
When it all boils down, this is molehill. The best thing you can do is just let it go.
Every other day is fine. We
Every other day is fine. We could drop them off on Monday at school and when they come back on Thursday they are still not bathed. The dad does not like and and is going to say something. He feels bad for the kids also.
No fights, just an internal
No fights, just an internal conflict. I should've made that clear to the others when i posted this.
You have a BM who isn't
You have a BM who isn't creating problems for you and your husband.
Just as the girls are telling you they don't like that mom cuts their hair, they are also telling mom about the things you require that they don't like.
Making a fuss about their hair may cause her to make a fuss about what you do.
My skids (9 and 10) do not
My skids (9 and 10) do not bathe every day. They shower every 2-3 days. BS (stb3) bathed pretty much every night, just because he gets so dirty playing outside all day. The skids are in school most of the day, and they are past the age where they play by rolling around in the dirt on the play ground. When the skids hit puberty and start smelling/needing deoderant.... Then they will be required to shower every day like an adult.
As for the hair. Its personal preference, and mom gets to make the call. They will get a say when they are older, for now what mom says goes.
There are many things that
There are many things that moms and dads do that kids don't like. Do NOT become these kid's "confidante" and take their side on something harmless that their mother did, you will regret it. You need to let them know that their mom has that right and they need to live with it period.
PS - an as most can attest to here, I am rarely on the BMs side... :?
This^
This^
This is an internal feeling.
This is an internal feeling. I did not plan on sharing anything and i didnt become a confidante. I told the oldest that it still looks so pretty. I think everyone here is getting the wrong message.
We have the same issue with
We have the same issue with SO's daughter BM hacks her hair, she has beautiful hair and I've seen pictures of it when it was long and it's so lovely on her. BM hacked to above her shoulders just before SO and I got together and it's been growing out but is unruly, so we bought her her own brush and she loves to brush her hair and tries to keep it neat. She does well for a 6 yr old. BM just last week hacked her bangs which needed a trim but now they are too short and crooked. (SO did all the hair cutting before because she does a terrible job)But it's not a fight I'm gonna pick, SO however is just going to mention to her the next time she needs a trim he'd be more than happy to take care of it and see if she accepts, he did cut his sons hair as it needed it. Not knowing how she'd respond I expected her to get pissy but she didn't say a word so I don't think it's something she'd fight over. I'll just let them handle it.
Bath wise my kids shower daily if they've been outside running and playing, otherwise it's every other for cleanliness. BM will let her kids go a week sometimes it's longer when she dumps them with her brother, and they almost always stink and haven't been washed when we get them, so one of the first things they ask for when they get here is a bath.
Poor kids. I am not picking
Poor kids. I am not picking a fight either, i am just asking what everyone thought. I see the heartbreak on their faces she cuts it so i can't help but feel sad for them.
The bio mother has the right
The bio mother has the right cut their hair short
I am Bio mother made that
I am Bio mother made that decision to cut my four daughters waist length hair very short like a boys I do not care if they like their very short boys haircuts. I will keep my girls hair very short from now on
I had my three step daughters
I had my three step daughters waist length hair cut very short
Oh if it was the other way
Oh if it was the other way around and the girls wanted it short, their father would cut it. It's not the case though, its long and gets cut short so he can't help out, it already happened. It was never my intent to get involved. I am just shouting out internally here. I dont speak to her, ever.