You did nothing wrong snooping. He should have turned the phone over to you. He is the one that made the mistake and an affair is unexcusable. You need to seek therapy for yourself....Never apologize for protecting yourself. That is all you did. The enemy you know is better than the one you don't know....

I definitely would have snooped!! You did nothing wrong. I would be so devastated if DH cheated on me. I give you credit for trying to forgive him and move on. I don't think I would be able to do that.

This girl definitely sounds like a wackadoo!! I would have felt better after reading those texts too.

I think you need to start doing less for everyone else and more for you. If my DH called me a doormat I would definitely try to make some new friends or get my old ones back and not be as available for him. I wouldn't cook, clean, do his laundry. He needs to appreciate you especially for the fact that you are even still there.

I feel so bad for you having to go thru this. You deserve so much better than someone that cheats on you. It just shows a total lack of respect.

I agree with everything Jsmom said! You definitely did nothing wrong, and it was probably divine intervention that the phone was left behind

Wow! I guess my biggest question is why did he have all of these messages archived? Why did he not delete them. That in itself would bother me that he was holding on to them for some nostalgic value??

and girl you need not be the one feeling guilty here for snooping! He has in effect lost his right to privacy by betraying you.

I'm still stuck back at the part where she was talking about YOU being stupid & pathetic, & then it's followed up with her threats of suicide & breaking ribs in puking over the idea of losing him.

She sounds crazy, & I'm glad your husband's affair was with a whackjob. That kind of crazy & fear should be enough to make him think twice before doing it again.

I guess you left the messages in his phone? I would have deleted them. Every one of them. Then I would have deleted her contact information & anything else that was tied to her. Even when he discovered it was all gone & he knew I did it, I would DARE him to get pissed off about it. That shit is poison.

I admire your efforts & your ability to look to yourself for your happiness. It takes a lot of work & certainly isn't easy. It is a work in progress, but it sounds like you really have good grasp on being rational & taking things a step at a time to accomplish the bigger goal.

Continue to love & respect yourself. That's the only way to feel real happiness. It will come, with or without him. I hope he'll be able to humble himself enough to recognize what he stands to lose if he doesn't get his head out of his ass & make every effort to make things right.

The cheating aside, I am concerned about the way he talks to you. He is verbally abusive. Check Dr Irene's site on that. I once was in that trap, where I would be berated and then feel compelled to "prove" my worth. He is not acting like a loving husband. Take the focus on you pleasing him and make him crawl through crocodile poop. On his face. He should be kissing your butt right about now!!!

Your husband sounds abusive. I'm not saying he hits you, but he belittles you and makes you feel like crap, everything he does wrong is turned around on you, etc.

Google verbal abuse, it sounds to me like that is what is happening to you.

"The texts spelled out an affair that he was ultimately uncomfortable with, and tried to walk away from. He was in WAY over his head and there was no mention of romance on his end. No words of affection. He did not allow her to call me names to him, and he tried for several months to get her to stop contacting him."

My not-so-humble opinion is that you both are not going to work this out on your own. If he is sincere, he is going to carry guilt for what he did and rightfully so. The problem with this is that he may take it out on you.

Nothing in the text that I quoted makes what happened ok. Nothing in the text that I quoted makes this situation and his participation in it any better. Nothing against you but you sound like you are making excuses for him like it was "kinda ok". It wasn't. He went after her because he felt like he needed something. He utterly failed you and your marriage because he didn't ask you for it, whatever "it" is.

And everyone else who called you out for emailing her can pound sand. Find me someone who can be logical and rational in the heat of a situation like this and I'll show you a sociopath. Get real.

Go get counseling. And YOU don't earn respect in degrees. He needs to earn your respect because at this point he should have none.

Ok, I only read the first paragraph so far, and I had a friend just like this!!!
Her DH started screwing the receptionist (how cliche!) and when wifey found out.... he apologized and bought her a Lexus SUV. She was thrilled that he wanted to "work on the marriage." :jawdrop:

Makes me think of Kobe Bryant and his wife.

I'm stunned. Seriously.

Ok, two things:

I think the bigger issue is him screaming and yelling at your. Verbal abuse is NOT ok. Trust me on this one, it will eventually go father.

I knew a couple who married young. I'm pretty sure the DH never stopped dating. He cheated on her more times than one could count and even knocked one up (she aborted it.) The DW is a devout Christian. Would NOT leave her man. She was also entirely dependent on him. They have a total of 5 kids, she's never worked, etc. She prayed. And prayed. For YEARS. They've now been married 19 years and he is as God fearing and faithful as possible. It's amazing, really. I didn't respect her. I probably still don't, simply because I think a woman should be self supporting and NOT stick around with a cheater. (That's just me.) Anyway, their lives are totally different now. God centered marriage. Faithful and madly in love.

It IS possible. I've seen it happen. I just wanted to share that with you.

are you considering counseling as a couple and individually?

i think your efforts to reinvent yourself are spot on. keep doing that!

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but it does kind of sound like you let him walk all over you. He should be kissing your butt and bending over backward to try to save your marriage, yet instead he is calling YOU names, screaming at you, treating you like crap. And then you kiss his butt and be nice to him when he treats you like garbage?

What the heck, woman? You deserve so much better than this. You've basically given him the green light to go out and do whatever he wants to you or treat you however he wants, and you'll stay and accept it.

I would feel better too knowing the affair wasn't still going on and that she's a total psycho (karma anyone?), but still, it's not about that. It's about what he's doing to earn your forgiveness and prove to you how much your marriage means to him and how hard he'll try to fix it, which so far has been NOTHING. He wrote you one letter and has been treating you like crap the rest of the time. What in the hell is HE yelling at YOU about?!?!?! He won't even give you his password info now! Are you sure you want to be in this marriage?

"Everything that is wrong on his life is somehow my fault. "
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That is a clear sign that you are being emotionally abused.

An abuser will always find himself blameless but will always see himself as the victim.

He needs to stop yelling. It doesn't matter if he yells for minutes or for hours. Yelling at someone is disrespectful & belittling. He can get the same message across simply speaking to you as he can yelling at you.

People yell for power, domination, & control. Venting does not require yelling, & being grumpy is no excuse. He needs to practice some self-control & speak to you in a civil tone.

The purpose of yelling is to shut the other person down. It IS personal, & you have every right to take it so.

I left my exH because he was emotionally abusive. He never put his hands on me in anger, but he broke me. He broke my soul. Broken bones heal. Bruises disappear. But a broken spirit takes years to mend.

I did everything in my power to make his days the best I could make them so he wouldn't have reason to be upset with me. It was never enough. It wore me out. Often times it seemed the extra efforts I made backfired & ended up causing him more grief, which in turn caused me more grief.

I made his favorite dinner one night. No special reason. Just a fun surprise. He came home later than expected & it got cold & the sauce got too thick. Not only did I never hear a "thanks for thinking of me enough to make the effort", but I was blamed for allowing it to thicken too much by letting it cook too long trying to keep it warm until he got there. I was also blamed because he could no longer look at that as his favorite meal anymore ever again. It had been his favorite through all his years growing up, but because the sauce got too thick his ability to call it his favorite ever again was ruined for him for a lifetime. :sick:

Nevermind that he was late because he was hanging out in the student center discussing his flavor in porn with a group of girls in his study group.

I will tell you, I stayed for 3 years feeling like if I gave up on us I was a failure as a wife. It took me 3 years to grow my backbone & to build up enough confidence in my ability to stand on my own. One day it struck me, that it wasn't about me giving up on us. He already had. All I had to do was find the strength to let go.

You mention shutting down. I struggle with that in my marriage now. It was a learned behavior to avoid confrontation in my first marriage. It's difficult to make myself speak up sometimes, & to feel comfortable enough to disagree. It isn't because my DH doesn't allow me to. He begs me to communicate when we have differences. He speaks calmly to me. It's just what I've learned to do & it's a difficult thing to change.

Just continue to take things a step at a time. Make friends. Make contact with old friends, & decide that you will make choices that make YOU happy. Keep doing that. Stand your ground. Insist on being treated with love & respect, & if he can't function inside of those expectations, you'll find him falling along the wayside as you progress on a path with far more to offer than you can imagine.

It's very strange to me that you are as polly anna about this as you are. You are making excuses for him. He cheated and is verbally abusing you and you type it all out and still say how you want this for him and that for him, etc.

If what you wrote here is true then you need some help. Quick!