update....here we go again...I KNOW!!!!
I think these people all need help!!!!
Last night I got home and DH was on the deck drinking a beer waiting for me while SD16 was in the house :jawdrop: ...HELL NO!!!!
I said hello and went inside to drop my stuff off. SD's bag was on the dining room table, her ipod on the kitchen counter, and her shoes under the table. WTF!!! So I go outside, on my way my oldest son says...there back mom....Oh no there not!!!
So I go outside and DH gives me a kiss and says we need to talk about this. I agree I say...He tells me he told his mother off for what she said, he was pissed she even said anything like that and then told me we have to try to work this out. i agree we have to work this out but we can not work this out with you not being able to father your child. Your daughter calls all the shots and i will not have that in my home. I can not have you here yet i am sorry if your fighting with your mother but you need to try to get your balls out of the grip of your sister, your mother and espicially your daughter. I am sorry to say this but you do whatever your daughter says and you allow her to call the shots which is why we are where we are. I am working on that he tells me and i will work alot harder on that to i promise but i can not go back to my mothers. I offer to help with an apartment and he blew up!!! Are you kidding me, this is ridiculous, we are married, not just dating, I am not getting an apartment because if i do we are done!!!! So we went back and forth for awhile. At one point we called SD down to talk over things. My oldest came out when they were both yelling and told both of them if the yelling at my mother continues you will both be leaving....DH apoligized for it and toned it down.....SD was crying which i was so sick of and said it out loud which made her pissed.....
Long story short after going back and forth talking things out with SD, my children and DH we have decided, which I am not happy about, that we would try this again. With the exception of some rules...The rules are as followed and if they are not followed out they go first time...
1) SD is to have boundries when it comes to entering our room, telling us what we are going to do, texting nasty things to me no matter what has happened, Interupting adults while they are talking.
2) Wed nights she will be staying at MIL's so DH and I can have date night and there will be no calls unless emergency of blood shed.
3) phone calls while we are out on a weekend will not happen unless there is some dyer emergency.
4) respect for everyone in the house.
5) crying to get her way like a 6 year old will not be tolerated, you want to cry call BM and go cry to her over stupid things like not getting your way.
6) giving DH and I time alone without you right there at all times.
7) asking us why we are doing something and can we not do them...You are the child we are the adults
she is to keep her room clean (she is a slob and i washed down her room when they left) bring her cloths down the cellar for me to wash (yes i do all laundry and I am fine with that) help to set table, do dishes, and clean up her shit and not leave them all over like usual.
9) cool it on the drama ALL THE TIME!!!!
There was some more but right now cant think of them. these rules will be followed at all times if the drama starts just a small bit I am done and back to mommies you go. They both agreed on these things. SD tells me she will try very hard to make things better. DH tells me he will be more of a father and not a idiot...and now time will tell. I have a headache already, I dont think this is going to work but I am going to try. We have a therapy session tonight and we are bringing the kids with us. Its a family session. Of course my oldest says just keep them out date DH and when she goes off to college he comes back. yah that would be great the only problem i dont think she is going ANYWHERE!!!!!! I have to try this and if things go back to normal....OUT!!!!! I dont know!!! Any thoughts???? I feel very confused, i feel i got played for them to come back and I gave in with rules of course but.....Just...i dont know....Thoughts PLEASE!!!!
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I sincerely hope that they
I sincerely hope that they straighten out. Use your doubt to keep you strong. Set the line in the sand and stick to it. Pushy people keep trying to move the goal posts so you accept more and more. I do feel your DH is forcing himself on you. Read up on verbal abuse and bullying. It's not all swearing and yelling. Dr. Irene.
Daisy: You just laid down and
Daisy: You just laid down and became a door mat again. Him not wanting to go back to his mommies is NOT your problem. He created the mess, he gets to fix it. The fact that you walked in and her shit was laying everywhere is already proof that nothing has changed.
His refusal to listen to you, him and his daughter yelling at you with enough volume and duration that YOUR CHILD had to come to your aid and tell them to knock it off is speaking volumes.
Get the hell out of this situation. It is NOT healthy for YOUR KIDS to watch their mother being verbally abused and berated in their home.
Second this. Your child
Second this.
Your child should not have to assume the adult role of establishing boundaries for how people treat you. That is YOUR job daisy. I know this is hard and that you love him, but does he really love you? Or does he need you? You are going to suffocate and you are doing it to yourself.
If you want to try then of course do that. But there should be weekly therapy sessions for you both and for SD.
Him pissing off his mother is not your problem, him being too scared to take care of himself is not your problem and "fixing" him and SD is NOT YOUR JOB!
I hope it turn out the way you want it to, you are an awesome person and you deserve to be happy- reach out and grab it for yourself, don;t wait gor him and that brat to hand it to you- because they won't.
I'm to soft. I felt bad, I
I'm to soft. I felt bad, I didnt what else to do....This so sucks!!! I have to try though, no?
No. You already have tried.
No.
You already have tried. For HOW MANY YEARS? And have been consistantly stepped on and bowled over.
It is THEIR turn to step up. NOT YOURS!
You need to at least try.
You need to at least try.
Ok lets play devils advocate
Ok lets play devils advocate here.
For the last several weeks DH and daughter have been living at MIL's that means: that is their home. By definition of the law. 2 weeks = residency.
So, if they stay in her house for 2 weeks and she can't take it and they won't leave again, knowing they can just ignore what she says and walk on her: then she has to evict them.
Costs money, tension, more arguements, more stress on her and her kids, more of a chance of her kids getting to watch their mother be verbally abused. OH and since he has a dependant CHILD, that judge will give him UP TO 90 days to move during an eviction.
90 more days of hell dealing with his kid on top of what she has already dealt with.
Oh and that up to 90 days:
Oh and that up to 90 days: that is after the hearing, which can take up to 60 days to get. Six freaking months of hell.
If not for your own sake, then for the sake of your kids, who have already witnessed enough of the abuse to come running to protect you: get those losers the hell out of your house.
Daisy, start looking for an
Daisy, start looking for an apartment. Then, one day while he is at work, move his and SD's stuff into it.
You can't have them there. Things are going to revert so quickly, and now DH knows that all he has to do is throw a tantrum, and he is back in. He is just like his mother, sister, and daughter.
But she DID back down. She
But she DID back down. She line was drawn when she told him & his daughter to leave & to stay gone until they got some resolution to their issues. She backed down when he showed up with flowers & a mushy card & let him impose on her dinner with her kids. Then she let him spend the night. Then he left the next morning with her committed to an entire weekend of events together.
She backed down when she let his daughter back in her house while they chatted. Now she's backed down again & despite her not feeling right about it, they're all back under one roof again...with nothing changed. He still can't admit he lied. He gave a crappy apology loaded with excuses.
Her DH hasn't changed a thing, & she's right back to square one.
I don't know what to say. It
I don't know what to say. It seems unfair for people on here to tell you not to try considering what some of them are dealing with on a daily basis. That said, as much as I want this to work for your sake, I have doubts. Your dh did to you exactly what he allows SD to do to you. She learned from a master. He pushed and yelled and cried and kicked and threw a tantrum and he won. Where do you think his daughter gets it? And how is he going to stop her when he exhibits the same behavior? He can't discipline for something he doesn't think is wrong and he doesn't thinks she is wrong.
He is telling you he agrees in the same way she is crying and pretending. They've figured out a new tactic. IMHO neither of them have any intention of changing. You can make out the rules, write them down, tell them about them, issue threats, etc and it comes down to this "they don't understand the rules". They don't know what boundaries are. They don't know how to not issue demands. They don't know how to live a life where their needs don't come first. They don't know how to not interrupt what you have planned. She doesn't. And he isn't oging to teach her because he doesn't either.
In the past 2 weeks he has shown up unannounced, texted and called when you already had things settled, INSISTED on talking when it is convenient for him, blown you off, shown up at friends' homes, and unilaterally decided you needed to stop punishing him. He is a grown, male version of his daughter. The only difference between him and her is that you love him and are therefore willing to accept it (even think it is romantic).
^This I just really don't see
^This
I just really don't see how they are going to change. I think rather than waiting on the change, you need to decide if you can accept them the way they are.
i agree with stepaside. i
i agree with stepaside. i think you did a great job standing up for yourself.
but i'm seriously annoyed that he just came back and had sd in the house with him before he even discussed this with you.
he DECIDED to move back in and did so. your son was informed before you were.
i'm really pissed off at him. what he should have done is had this convo with you before sd was even present.
i really hope this works out.
double post
double post
Daisy, you have to do what in
Daisy, you have to do what in your heart you feel like you have to do. You love him, he loves you. Don't walk away or push him away until you feel that you have given it 110% and that you have had enough. You will know when/if that times comes. I hope this works out for you because I have seen in your post how much you do love him. But when/if it's ever over you have to know in your heart that you really really tried or you will never forgive yourself and there will always be doubts. I'm not saying this as a SM or anything to do with being a step I'm saying this from one woman to another. She will be 18 in 2 years so you should be able to get a feel soon as to what she is going to do wiht her life. I know that you think right now she will never leave but things change fast sometimes and I hope that she gets a life soon!!
^^^^ I AGREE!
^^^^ I AGREE!
Daisy, I can understand why
Daisy,
I can understand why you are confused and feel like you just got played. But love is a strong emotion and from someone that takes marriage and the committment seriously I can understand why you made this decision. Yes, in some ways I wonder if they, especially SD is playing games but there is only one way to find out. I have a SS16 and I understand what you are going through. I commend you for standing your ground on some issues and letting your voice be heard.
I give in way too much with DH (concerning SS)because I would not want him to tell me to choose between my Bios and him. In saying that, my Bios don't act the way your SD or my SS does. SS16 is disrespectful, rude and sarcastic and DH lets him get by with it most of the time. I find myself resenting him more and more for his attitude. But I am trying to find the best way to either ride this out or ignore most of the behaviour for the sake of our marriage. I will see how things go when SS turns 18 and legally becomes an adult.
I will say that my DH gives US plenty of time. We go on trips together, spend weekends together and try to have as much fun together as possible without SS whether it is for a night or a weekend or one week a year.
That is my lifeline. I would insist on more and more of that time together if I was you. It is so nice!
IMHO, you should expect your DH to deal directly with the things he can change regarding how he handles SD's behaviour.
Remember no matter how much you love someone you cannot always change THEIR behaviour and maybe, neither can your DH change all of SD's behaviour but he can change the way HE deals with her.
You love him, he used
You love him, he used that.
He was already there, his daughter in YOUR house without permission, making herself at home in her nice newly cleaned room - how nice for her. Drinking a beer on HIS I mean your porch - he moved in before you even got home, he wasn't taking no for an answer, he gave you no choice and knew you would just roll over, which you did.
I am so sorry Daisy.
I know all these posts are
I know all these posts are true. I know this is probably a mistake but I need to try. I do love him. I am an idiot I now. I am not looking forward to going home but I am hoping, praying this will change and things will get better. If I do not have hope what do i actually have?
Daisy, Are you fearful your
Daisy,
Are you fearful your son will not come back now that 'THEY' have returned? Since they caused your son to move out and in less than 2 weeks you allow them back, what does that tell your son?
I hope it works out. My
I hope it works out. My prayers are with you. <3
I think the general issue is
I think the general issue is that you really do love him.
That aside...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
You removed them from YOUR home and then THEY (well, let's face it...SD) decided that they would move back in?
Kudos to your son for telling your DH and SD to back off and respect you...way cool of him. That was honorable...you should be proud.
You have had constant issues with these two and your DH is willing to lie to you to make you think he is making head way with SD.
Yesterday's post was about SD asking WHEN they were coming HOME...not IF.....I find it interesting that they are suddenly back and of their OWN choice.
You are being played by these two...but it is obvious that you need to try and make it work.
I have a sneaking suspicion that things didn't work out at the MIL because SD stirred some more pots...it doesn't sound like anyone wants her around...
Good luck!
I think very highly of myself
I think very highly of myself actually. But I have been divorced, I can not do that again, I do not want to do that again, and if it were not for that F*&^ing brat everything would be fine. Yes my DH got loud with me yesterday and believe me there was no excuse for that what so ever, but he got angry when i said to get an apartment, he wanted us to try again with SD, even though it is probably not going to work, i feel I need to try. I love him very much i just hate his daughter and his parenting skills. I am hoping for a miracle I guess..
I do not need DH, I own my own home, make more money than DH, and take care of my children on my own. I could easily say Fuck this and leave and be fine on my own, but I can not picture my life without DH. He is, what i feel, the man i have been waiting for. My XH was a control freak, a cheater, spent every penny I had and left me with 2 children, bills, and a broken heart. DH came along and showed me what life was all about. I can not just end it and leave. When we are alone without SD, it is amazing. I dont think I can explain it any other way.
^^^^ That is sooo true,
^^^^ That is sooo true, Ripley.
Daisy, I get that: to love
Daisy,
I get that: to love the man but hate his parenting skills.
I told my friend "I don't have issues with DH. I have issues with SS". She said, YOu say that but that is not completely true. You have issues with your DH because he does not parent his child. So don't act like everything is peaches between you two. She is right.
Unless DH does anything stupid I have made the decision to stay with DH and ride this out with SS16. I understand at some point maybe 18 or 19 I will have to make a choice if things don't change.
I haven't read all your blogs, but if you and your DH will start leaving SD at home more and more all the time while you go to the store, run errands, etc. I think it will help.
Of course, keep your weekly date night and maybe add an extra night or two in there for awhile.
She should not have to go everywhere with you two. Let her drive more and more on her own, cook her own meals and just in general be on her own. Teach her to become independent. Maybe then she will make friends and find other things to do instead of being so dependent on Daddy.
This is going to be a process though unfortantely not an over-night change.
OK yes when you put it like
OK yes when you put it like that no...But this is an isolated happening. This is not something that happens regualrly, the part of DH yelling. Yes the SD thing is true but this has only been since she has lived with us full time. She did not always live with us full time just the past ahh almost year I guess, which seems like forever. But the part that DH yells and threatens, no, I had that with XH and will never put up with that again. When DH started yelling before BS21 came out to tell him enough I had already said do not talk to me like that or you and your daughter can leave. he did apoligize for speaking to me that way. So yes I can not piture living without him because he is not a control freak, he is not a cheater, he treats me very well, beside yesterdays fight, and he is a overall good guy. The SD issues are our only issues.
Oh scubed...I am hoping this
Oh scubed...I am hoping this is not the case...
3famliesin 1 my son never
3famliesin 1 my son never moved out. he was at college, he is home for the summer and he loves DH. Both my boys love him. SD they tolerate because she is his daughter
Oh good. I would hate for you
Oh good. I would hate for you to lose your son over their return. My bad.
I hope you are able to continue moving forward, its a rough cycle. The 'break' gets harder each and every time.
DH and I have friends who were in a vicious cycle for years. It seemed the SO was always having to move out (for different reasons) I just saw the toll taken on them both. Usually the pattern seemed to be when he moved back in, they just resumed with no attempt to fix the problem that moved him out in the first place. This is what I fear for you.
Its an exhausting cycle of hurt and failure.
^^^ I like this. Whatever
^^^ I like this. Whatever you do don't take away her driving privelages! lol.
If she displays drama I would make her stay at home by herself one night (each time) while you and DH went and did something fun.
You said it yourself...you
You said it yourself...you are already NOT looking forward to going back to YOUR house.
This situation is ridiculous. You laid down the law and they came back and said "too bad..we are taking over".
I understand everyone telling you to try...but your own son had to step in and stop them from screaming and yelling. (Great work on your son's part, too...very proud of him).
Wasn't it just yesterday that you posted that SD was whining about when she would get to come back...and look...it's less than a day and she has let herself in.
Your DH is being a huge brat. You made peace in your life and he has had no respect for it.
You did not cut them off...you were working on a situation and they decided they'd had enough of your successful method.
I would be so pissed at this...you need to be tough. SD is going to revert right back...
And DH will do nothing...like he said "MAKE ME MOVE OUT AND WE ARE DONE"...so basically, he thinks HIS problem is YOUR problem...