Most recent developments...
With all the feedback I got from all of you lovely people, I was able to come to a couple of decisions.
1. I am going to have to distance, for the time being atleast, myself from the ex inlaws. It's too much drama and even though I am now convinced that ethel is probably just a bitch by nature, I dont want any issues she has with them to be on my conscience. Not sure how I will go about doing this, but I have time to figure that out.
2. I should have ignored her craziness from the start. But I didn't and I can't change that now. What's done is done so to speak.
3. Ethel, for some reason, hates that I am happy. I don't have a reason to be miserable so I can't change that either.
4. I can only control what I do and say, I can't control the way others react to it or interpret it. Meaning, I have no control over other peoples feelings.
5. Fred is being a manipulative asshole and I am going to find out exactly what parts he has had to play in all of this. I am going to call him out on his shit and tell him that I am done dealing with ethel. She is his problem and he needs to be the one to deal with it, not me. I am also going to let him know that I will no longer respond to or accept any calls/texts/emails if they are from her.
6. I feel like I live in some strange alternate universe where everything is opposite. I mean, technically shouldn't I be acting towards the sm like ethel is acting towards me? I mean, isn't that the natural order of things? 
haha
So my question of the night to all of you is, what do you think would be the best way to confront fred? Email/text/phone call/ or in person?
- AntoniaSays's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Well, honestly - this isn't
Well, honestly - this isn't meant as a slam but just a question to ask yourself honestly......
What is the point in confronting Fred? What do you hope to accomoplish? How does this benefit you in any way?
Personally, I find the best way to deal with my XH when it doesn't involve the kids is.... do nothing, drop it, ignore him - not my problem, don't care - has no effect on me.
If I engage him when it doesn't matter (this this situation you are describing) it does nothing but encourage drama.
Unless you need something in order to close this, I'd drop it entirely and ignore them both. You don't have to inform him you are disengaging from his wife - just disengage - they will figure it out.
Case Closed.
Once again, I am glad for
Once again, I am glad for this forum. I don't know what it will accomplish. It just seemed like the next logical step but now I am not so sure. Maybe I should just ignore it.
But then again, I feel like I have to say my peace. Idk. it feels good to be able to get it all out on here though lol
Maybe I will sit on it for a few days. Wait and see if anything else happens and if I feel the situation calls for it, then say something to fred. Just kind of wait it out maybe?
Hi Antonia, I wouldn't say
Hi Antonia,
I wouldn't say that it is necessary to confront Fred about his manipulations...just...leave it. If you confront him, would it do you any good? I think that it MAY cause further issues without actually fixing anything.
IMHO, A good idea would be to email Fred saying something along the lines of...
Fred,
Due to recent unnecessary drama, I feel that there is no reason for me to communicate with Ethel at all. Please ensure that she knows that emailing/texting/calling me is now unacceptable. I will not contact her and I expect the same in return.
I will of course be available to discuss Thing1 and Thing2 with you, their father, as needed. I believe that we have worked well in the past as co-parents and I hope that this can continue.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Antonia
If he responds back in a negative manner, either ignore him or respond with a copy/pasted "Please only contact me regarding Thing1 or Thing2. Thank you."
This is just my suggestion...I know this is a sticky situation for you. I admire the fact that you've come on here looking to see another perspective. You are a strong woman and your children are lucky to have you. Hopefully the situation gets ironed out so that the drama doesn't effect the boys too much.
Oh, I like the email. I
Oh, I like the email. I decided to drop it until something else happens and address it then. That email might be the perfect thing to send.
I think just ignoring Ethel
I think just ignoring Ethel is for the best. In fact, Id go one step further & simply would block her from your phone altogether. Maybe given some distance-- who knows. Maybe down the road you two could be able to converse with no problems.
When we have probs with BM-we ignore her. She cant stand it, but its better then the long ensued drawn text wars ya know?
Ps. I think its AWESOME of you to try to find a way to figure things out. Kudos for you & for your kids!!
Thank you! It feels good to
Thank you! It feels good to get it all out. Even though the situation is sort of reversed, atleast you guys can relate to what it is like to be harassed and wonder wtf you did wrong. I am going to ignore it for the time being. I feel a little better now that I have somewhere to go and bitch about it lol
Lmbo! Her ass is crazy. You
Lmbo! Her ass is crazy. You are right about that. Like I said, I don't really know what went down with her and her baby daddy. Never really asked, but I have a feeling it may have been bad and she hasn't healed or gotten over it completely. She is really irrational and like many of you guys said and I agree, very insecure. I don't know, I just think you don't become that way for no reason. But that's just my opinion, I have no way of knowing for sure.
I know you guys are right and
I know you guys are right and I do need to take a step back. I did consider that before I came here but I couldn't really understand why because I have never been put in a position like that (ethels position) but I do agree, it is for the better. It's just hard to accept, ya know?
Ya know, I thought about this
Ya know, I thought about this a lot last night and I realized I have not been completely honest with myself. I think, a big part of why I have been so eager to want to be on good terms with ethel is because I am afraid of loosing something I worked REALLY hard for and that stings a little. Let me explain:
I talked a little about Fred and I splitting up (and no, I am not bitter. Best choice I ever made.) But I didn't go into it too much.
Now, I was no peach. I played my part too. But I can tell you with confidence that the majority of the things I did were directly in response to something that was done to me. I know now how immature that all was, but I was young then and I have grown from it.
Fred, as I mentioned previously, turned 21 before I did. He started going out to the bars and cheated on me like a bunch of times. As his drinking increased, so did his abusiveness. Never physical, but verbal and emotional. It had gotten so bad that for about a year I was so so so depressed and in such a bad place emotionally that I couldn't even tell you what was up and what was down.
The worst thing that he did to me, he had been cheating for a couple months with this one girl. She knew he was not single. She knew and the two of them conspired together to keep their little relationship going. When I found out, she was pissed and went on a year long campaign to completely ruin my life, my reputation, everything. At this point, I found out that not only had fred been unfaithful, but he actually told this girl all of my deepest, most personal, traumatic, painful secrets. Things that happened to me when I was a child that I had ever only told to him.
I am a pleaser. I believe very strongly in loyalty and keeping your promises. I would never hurt someone and I would have never even considered doing that to him. It burned bad. I felt so betrayed on such a deep level it is hard to describe. I felt like I could never trust anyone ever again.
That was why I knew I had to leave him. The trust was broken and could never be fixed.
It took so long and it took everything I had to be able to forgive him. For my boys, I knew I had to. I worked so hard to get to the place that fred and I were at.
it upsets me that after all of that, this whole ethel situation could be the thing that makes it all pointless. I am mad for myself, but also mad because I swallowed my pride for my boys and she is on a mission it seems to take that away.
So my first instinct? Fix this. Make it better again. I worked too hard. Etc.
I know this probably doesn't make a lot of sense but it does feel good to let it out and let myself be angry about it if I need to. I feel better even after just venting.
I am going to do my best to ignore her. I will continue to post on here to keep me sane and not let anything bottle up. All of your kind words have helped me more than you know and for that I am grateful.
If things get really bad, I will confront them. But until then I am just going to live my life, be the best mom I know how to be, and come here and make fun of ethel and vent.
No that wasn't harsh. And I
No that wasn't harsh. And I know you are right. That's sort of what I was trying to explain but I went off on a tangent.
I know I can't change it and that's fine. But I think I need to give myself permission to be mad if that's how I feel. I don't have to say it to them or try to make them change anything but I also have to respect my own feelings. If I own the way I feel and allow myself to vent about it then maybe I can move past them. Does that make any sense?
If Fred spilled all your dirt
If Fred spilled all your dirt once best believe he's probably done it again with Ethel. I agree that you should leave things as they are. Don't confront Fred, ignore & block Ethels number which I KNOW isn't going to be easy because us Jersey/NYC girls tend to be VERY confrontational and never back down from a fight, but, in an effort to keep peace & calm in YOUR heart, let the looney bitch go. Let him deal with her crazy ass. As long as she is good to your babies, fuck her. Continue to live your life as you do, keep being a good mommy and let the chips fall where they may.