Since I started seeing SO I've noted a sporadic co-sleeping thing. At first, it never happened when I stayed at the house when SS8 was there. I did notice that it was happening a lot when I wasn't, and I brought it up to SO saying that I wanted to be damn sure that I wouldn't be put into the position of "taking something away" by my presence. SO seemed to listen, but I don't think he quite "got it" because he doesn't see any potential for a problem here. He did say that when BM first moved out (a year and a half ago, plus) SS8 took it hard and slept with him every night.

Back a few weeks ago, before the divorce was finalized, SO had a talk with SS8 and let him know that while things in general wouldn't be changing for him, Mom and Dad were going to court, and that after that day, it meant that Mom wasn't ever going to move back home. Even after a year's separation with BM moving in with her boyfriend (and SS8 meeting/spending time with him even before she moved out) this was never quite said this way, and I know it was a blow to him.

A few days after that, SO and SS8 crashed out in the bed after a long day while I was still up. I didn't quite know how to handle it and was upset. SO and I had gone through a few emotional but rewarding conversations, and I was looking forward to some adult time to bond. Since I was still awake I sat up for a while getting more upset, and lo and behold SO woke up wondering where I was. We talked and I found out about their conversation, I felt a lot more understanding, SS8 was put into his own bed, and we went to sleep. Surprise - I woke up that morning with SS8 curled up in my arms, fist tangled in my hair. It touched me, but it also made me sad - in the middle of the night, was it me he came to, or was it his mom who he really wished was there?

Since then, it's been every time I come over that SS8 has been sleeping in SO's bed and not his own. It's only been one more time that he slept with the both of us, and the night after (a school/work night) he feigned nightmares to try to get us to let him in again. I had told SO earlier that I needed to get some sleep that night so he stood firm, but I could tell that it wasn't what he wanted to do.

SS8 is an only child and has all the things that go along with it, plus the fact that he's still absorbing his parents' separation and newly divorced status. I understand that he's kind of reliving the separation over again, and that there's going to be a period of time where he needs the extra comfort and attention. He and I have a good rapport and he acts excited when I'm over, SO tells me he gets bummed when I'm not. I want to make sure that I'm not put in the position of being the bad guy here. I think SS8 would be better off being told that he's a big boy now, and big boys sleep in their own beds. Make him feel more grown up, and he'll be better able to cope with the big boy stuff coming his way. SO just wants to make the boo boos go away (well, of course, who wouldn't?).

What I want to know more about is when there's a difference between giving him what he needs and feeding a want/fantasy that shouldn't be encouraged. When does it cross that line, and how do I react to it? I don't have kids of my own yet and am still trying to gauge what is healthy and what isn't. SO doesn't give in to the tears every time (and he does explain in the moment that there are better ways to handle disappointment), but when does it get to the point that SO is fueling his neediness?