Am I over reacting?
My partner is 44 and his SD 9 has come to stay with us for the next 2 and a half weeks. The plan was for SD 17 to come and visit later (for about a week) at the end of her holiday with her BF and then take SD 9 back home with them (about a 7 hour car trip). Partner and I had decided on some house rules before the kids started visiting us, one of these rules is that SD 17 and BF sleep in separate rooms.
Partner and I sleep in separate rooms when we go to stay at my parents place and when Partner and the ex were together SD and BF slept in separate beds at their house (they don't now as ex has "given in").
we were waiting until SD 17 came down to have christmas as this is the first year that they have not been living close enough to each other to see each other any sooner.
Anyway, partner got a phone call the other night from SD 17 saying that she wouldnt come down unless her and BF were allowed to sleep in the same bed.
I didnt realise I felt so strongly abut this issue, but the room that they would stay in is right next to ours, I am a bad sleeper at the best of times and I feel really uncomfortable about them sharing a room.
I am really cross that she is making partner choose (and using emotional blackmail). I want him to see his kids and generally find them quite plesant and well adjusted.
Help?? how do I keep the peace? I really want SD 17 here so we can have our own christmas and get on with it.
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Well it's ultimately your
Well it's ultimately your partner's decision as it's his child, but if it were MY child, a 17 year old wouldn't be having anyone of the opposite sex sleeping over period, different bedroom or not.
What did your partner say in response to Sd's phone call?
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
I disagree MM. This is a
I disagree MM. This is a decision left up to the two of them--it is both of their homes. It is not like she is spending the night at SOs home.
Stick to your guns on the subject--I think she is just testing the waters to see what she can get away with.
LOT AND LOTS of people have this rule, don;t let her make you out to be the bad guys--you are normal. The ones letting this happen under there roof are not.
I think she should have a
I think she should have a say so in this, that's not what I'm saying. However, a biological parent has the final say in regards to their child.
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Ask your parnter if he's
Ask your parnter if he's ready to be a Grandfather/mother to a 17yr old
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Hi Partner is gutted by the
Hi
Partner is gutted by the call. He doesnt want to cause a rift between the three of us, if he stick to his guns he is scared stiff the SD wont visit anymore, she doesnt visit as often as the younger daughter anyway due to work and other teenage commitments.
We both agreed to the no sharing rooms rule before we moved in together and before the kids came to stay (although i think he neglected to tell the kids! However they both know now).
I agree that she is just testing the water and that when he next speaks to he is going to say that they will not be sharing a room and that we will all be disapointed if she choses not to come as we have lots of things planned to do and a christmas party to have etc. So then it is her decision, she chooses what is the lesser of two evils, i guess.
I dont want her not to come, i will be really gutted for him if she doesn't and also for the younger daughter.. but i feel strongly about the issue.
As for being a step grandmother at 27... she is on the pill (i know that is not 100%) and partner (callously!) thinks that he would just take her to a clinic and sort it out if she did... I disagree with this too, she is too young to deal with that.
To be honest, i dont think that once i get to know her and her BF better (and they get a bit older and more mature) i will be so concerned about it. But right now i feel really strongly.
I even considered staying with friends elsewhere when she comes to visit so that partner can have time with her, or if it gets really bad suggesting they get a motel or something. But I dont think either of these solutions is great and i think that the adults need to stick together.
My poor man, stuck in the middle of two women!
I don't think you're
I don't think you're overreacting. My parents were fine with DH and I sleeping in the same room before we were married but we are adults. I can't fathom letting a 17-year-old have a sleepover with her boyfriend.
I agree with BM3SM1 that it's both your decision, considering it is both of your house and you have to be okay with what's going on there. I wouldn't give in though, even if it makes her boycott your family Christmas. If you give in then she'll know she can strong-arm you guys into giving her what she wants by not coming over. Let her do that. If she doesn't come she doesn't get her Christmas presents!
I think if it is your house,
I think if it is your house, you should stick to your guns. I would not do a bed check in the middle of the night, just maybe at the beginning and the end of the night!
Another way to settle this is to have the 2 girls share a room, and the boy a different room. Why does he need to come anyway really? imo
I am sorry, 17 is still a minor, who needs to follow the rules. If they must sleep together, they need to stay at an actual hotel that they pay for.
It just sets a bad example and could result in a lot of problems, not the least being it is disrespectful to visit someone and expect to set the rules.
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
Agreed! Now how do I portray
Agreed!
Now how do I portray that to partner and not have either of us feel incredibly guilty?
I think if it was up to him he would have given in by now.
Mind you, if she turns up here and they do sleep in separate rooms she might expect to get the car that she wants for Christmas (rather than at some other undisclosed time in the future) as part of her sufferance package.. sigh...
I might even go so far as to
I might even go so far as to take the fall for this, and be the bad guy - like her mom would if she was thinking clearly! That is how important it is to me. Someone needs to show her a good example imo
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
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thought about the two girls
thought about the two girls sharing, or swapping their rooms (1 room has a double bed and the other a single) BF has to sleep in the lounge. I just dont think it will convince anyone... and it avoids the issue a bit.
I dont mind them being in the room together to watch movies or whatever.. but not sleeping in there.
BF is coming cos SD 17 and BF are on a holiday together (and he has the car). If I had thought this would be so much of an issue i would have flown her down for a few days. She is far nicer without BF anyway!
SD 17 called before and DH
SD 17 called before and DH is going to "break the news".
He has had some time to think about it and is happy with letting the choice be hers of whether to come down or not...
I guess watch this space..
I don't think it's
I don't think it's appropriate for a 17 year old girl to be sleeping in a bed wih a boy let alone get parental consent for it. Yuck - and yes she is going to be pissed but if you give in then what are you teaching her?
I think you have two options:
1. Be the sneaky parents and don't tell her til she gets there and act like you told her/it's always been the rule even if he forgot to tell her it's kind of a "common sense" rule.
2. Tell her that she will not be allowed to share a room with her boyfriend before hand - that your sorry and you still are excited to see her and that you will be heart broken if she does not come?
Next time - book tickets.
BTW - Are you sure you want BF to drive SD9 home on a 7hr drive?
Forget the topic all
Forget the topic all together and focus on this - IF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL WORKS IN THIS CASE, WHAT WILL SHE TRY NEXT??? Allowing anyone (especially children) renegotiate your boundaries using blackmail is a VERY dangerous place to go.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I totally agree with this.
I totally agree with this. I also agree that it is the decision of both people living in the house. This not a step/bio issue. This is a moral issue and it doesn't matter whose kid it is.
I didn't read all the
I didn't read all the responses, but (and I LOVE you MM! You are one of my FAVORITE BLOGGERS and I don't know that I have ever disagreed with you before!) I have to disagree with MM. While, yes, it is dad decision to say yes or no you can share a bed at 17 with your BF, I would not allow this in MY house. My SD17 is regularly allowed to stay at her BF's where they share a bed, but I will be damned if it is happening in my house. I feel very strongly about this, BUT I also have a son (who is too young to even know right now) that I do not want thinking this is OK, and even though he is young, I don't want the precedence set that it is OK. I also, am just not comfortable with it! I guess you need to decide why you are uncomfortable with it, and then decide what is more important...
"I will not take responsibility, where I do not have authority." ~ MeanOleMe
I am sorry I'm a little late
I am sorry I'm a little late to respond to this. BUT - I give NO credit to the "It's OK at Mom's house, so it's OK here" stuff. I think that it is our job as parents to instill in them that we have high expectations of our children and will not allow immoral behavior in our house. It sets the standard that we expect more of our children and will not allow them to sink below our standards just because they get away with it elsewhere.
I think that it is a great idea for your H to explain this to SD and tell her that he still hopes that she will visit and work out alternative sleeping arrangements. It is simply a matter of how old she is. If she was an adult this would not be a problem, but she is a minor and he as her parent cannot condone that type of sleeping arrangement (ESPECIALLY if the BF is an adult!).
However, if she is making this her stipulation on whether she will come or not, then she is trying to be manipulative and blackmail your H into giving her what she wants. She should have better reasons to come visit than that (like for instance, quality family time!)...so if she decides not to come based on his sticking to his guns on the sleeping arrangements of her BF, then there are other issues that probably need to be addressed.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
So many good comments! I
So many good comments!
I agree, they shouldnt be sleeping together (anywhere!) but at this stage BFs parents allow it as does BM as after H moved out of the house I think she gave up the fight with SD 17. They have had a pretty volitile relationship during her teenage years and H used to keep the peace.
BF is 19 and I also had ?? about him driving SD9 home, but he is actually not a bad kid either (although I personally dont think him and SD17 are great together, I keep that to myself). Plus it is a decision that H made to get SD 9 home, so in this case, if he is happy, i am happy.
H and her had a chat about it last night and said that those are the rules in the house and they will not change anytime soon, and that we would be disapointed if she didnt come as we were looking forward to seeing her and that we have lots of things planned to do. So now it is her decision. She is going to come up with some options like camping with the boyfriend in a camping ground, flying down by herself (best option i think, but we are actually pretty broke, so adds another level of stress for H), or they just bite the bullet and stay here (and probably behave like sulky teenagers the whole time). But now at least she has to behave more like an adult and make her decision, she knows she cant blackmail us (although she tried damn hard!). H is fully supportive of me now (in that they are not to sleep in the same room) he wavered for a bit, but i think that he saw that the rule was not the point as much as how she was trying to get away with breaking it.
As for the BM, she is still bloody angry about the whole break up (hell hath no fury like a woman scorned! and all that). H and BM cannot hold a conversation atm, she yells and he takes a tone that he only takes with her and if i had to listen to it would piss me off! She even went as far as sending SD 9 down to us with no toiletries or even a tooth brush, clothes for a few days (not 2 and a half weeks) and no jacket in case it was cold or wet. I was so angry that she was so annoyed that she thought she would take it out on her kids to get back at him. (and me, cos the assupmtion was that she would use my toiletries and i would wash clothes as needed, both of which are actually correct assumptions).
How do you start encourage H and a very cross BM to start a dialogue? She is pissed about the break up, pissed he is with a younger woman, pissed that he is not paying for everything anymore (but keeping up with a much reduced child support due to his change in circumstances), and not in the area where he could see his kids all the time. There are things that H and BM need to discuss about both kids, especially SD17.
Finally, I dont think it is appropriate for SD9 to have to see 1) her bioparents fight, even over the phone
2) it be ok for her sister to sleep in the same room as her BF when she is so young (and behaves young too), because i dont want that for her.
I agree that SD17 is too young to be having sex (emotionally she can be quite mature and nice and other times i have to remind myself that she is 8 years older that SD 9), but that cat is way out of the bag and they are being encouraged to be safe. I just dont want to encouragfe them to "be" down here
As far as encouraging
As far as encouraging dialogue between BM and your H, I wouldn't go there. If he is anything like my BF, he will speak to her when he is ready to. He is probably trying to avoid it unless absolutely necessary because he knows how difficult it is to speak to her. I would not even mention it if I were you. My BF is always much more forthcoming, less stressed out, and more likely to talk to BM if I just stay out of it and let him do it when he is ready. He knows that there are things that need to be discussed and when I bring it up he sees it as having to hear it from both sides, which just makes matters worse and he ends up withdrawing completely and not talking to EITHER of us.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I think it's an even bigger
I think it's an even bigger issue that BF19 is driving SD9 home on 7hr car ride. Memphis news was saturated with teenage boy killing one girl sending other to icu. Good boy but still an inexperienced driver. It was raining, no foul play.