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SD that isn't really my SD- 19!!

CPaquette's picture

Submitted by CPaquette on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:02pm

Ok,

so just to vent....

My husband's ex wife had two children when they married (not his bio kids). He was married for 5 years and then divorced. We are five years beyond that now and he has continued to stay in contact with his SD's 19 and 11 from that relationship. I see that as having great character, and thats all fine and well. BUT, his ex-SD19 lives with us 5 nights a week (basically sleeps here from 12a-12p) and contributes NOTHING to the household. If I ask something of her, she simply goes to her mom's to avoid me until it has blown over. WELL, today--

she sends me a pic text of a HUGE mess that the dog made in the house while I was at work. I txted her back that the "broom was in the closet" and to put the dog outside in the yard. No response. I come home 5 hours later and she has left the house without cleaning a thing. So here I am, cleaning up. I sent her a text saying that I thought it was really lousy of her to have left that mess and that she is not a guest here to be taken care of, but a member of the family- which means she owes to me at least to clean up ONCE. I pay the bills, I buy the food and her laundry and dishes get done (this is not my choice but my husband is soft).

She calls my husband to complain. He calls me asking what happened. I tell him. I ask for support in the form of him simply saying "you should have cleaned up that mess, I side with wifey here". NO. Instead he tells me I'm crazy and that he doesn't want to get involved.

This is not the first time that I have not been backed up. I am standing my ground. She is not allowed to live here anymore unless she is paying $25/week, and that is final..let her live at her mom's! She has a bedroom there. AND SHE HAS A BIO DAD! WTF is going on here?

I am so sick of this. I told hubby i'm almost out the door with this shit....ugh!

Comments

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:18pm

If that is not even his kid and she is over 18, I say kick her out....Your house, your rules. He can go with her if he doesn't like it...

CPaquette's picture

Submitted by CPaquette on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:20pm

That's where I am at. He never puts our marriage first in any situation. She is not our first priority. Lines need to be drawn,

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:22pm

I was in your DH's shoes. My SD from my first marriage, came to live with DH and I. She finished high school and stayed with us well past graduation.
She did eventually move out, but is struggling some.
MY DH has suggested we help her with buying a car and paying for college. Now, keep in mind, he has two bios and I have three to support. SD makes kid #6. And he's still offering to help her because he knows I love her.
It is one of my Dh's most endearing qualities. Especially, as I've now seen on here several times, that he is a rarity. Most of the "new spouses" don't want the ex-steps around. Sad It's not their fault the parents' marriage fell apart.

CPaquette's picture

Submitted by CPaquette on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:25pm

This is five years in the making. I simply asked that she clean up the mess- I didn't say she couldn't be here. I think I have been more than supportive and loving considering SD11 that isn't a bio kid is here every weekend and we pay for all she does. SD19 needs to get pushed (since no one ever has). The kid literally gets to bounce from house to house when she doesn't like what a parent has to say. She knows the rules here...she's no different than any other lazy ass kid her age (bio or not). BUT- she's been reminded many a time and on top of that she is not grateful for anything anyone does for her (also attributed to the age) but when there are others involved that take precedent, I have to make a distinction somewhere. My parents did it to me. They said they had enough- and I was their own. It comes to that point for everyone. You gotta learn to fly on your own....

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:26pm

I understand that.
What I DON'T understand is the "your house, your rules" mentality. Is it not also DH's home??

CPaquette's picture

Submitted by CPaquette on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:29pm

Is there a side here? Did you SD from relationship one never help in the house? Was it a free ride over there? I am confused. Are you suggesting that I simply give what I don't have to keep peace?

Let's please remember the girl isn't homeless, she has a mom and dad with room for her....that also would love to have her home- but have the SAME complaints. this is what I mean by she jumps from house to house when she doesn't get her way...

StickAFork's picture

Submitted by StickAFork on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 5:30pm

Well, dtzy, let's play that out.

Wife says, "my house, my rules, get out." DH is supposed to back her up.
Husband says, "my house, my rules, she stays." Now what?

I know your marriage is the "what you say goes, I'll pull rank, even if it's YOUR kid we're talking about" marriage. Most aren't. IMO, successful marriages are a PARTNERSHIP, where BOTH partners have equal say and compromise is required.
I don't encourage women to take the "what I say goes" route because I wouldn't tolerate my Dh doing that to me.
We are a TEAM, even when it's tough. ESPECIALLY when it's tough.

CPaquette's picture

Submitted by CPaquette on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 7:14pm

Listen, stick a fork in it. You use some very abrasive tones on this website. Please be a little nicer....

There is no teamwork when one partner refuses to be a part of the conversation and says "i am staying out of it". That is NOT teamwork. When he grows a backbone, maybe there will be some listening.

CPaquette's picture

Submitted by CPaquette on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:31pm

He has no stance. He says things like "well what can I do, she isn't really my kid". I say pick a side- either she's your kid and you raise her like the rest of them or she's not and you say go to your mothers. It does no child any good to have no boundaries. She is not a roomate here, she is a child and we are the parents. simple as that.

if I am not supported I will first go to a counselor and try to talk it out and then from there if things don't improve I'll see a lawyer.

CPaquette's picture

Submitted by CPaquette on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:32pm

I love her. I am just simply saying she needs to help. Bio or not the rules don't change around here.

Pook's picture

Submitted by Pook on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:35pm

Sometimes they don't change and then you have to draw your own line. She ISN'T changing and in fact, is throwing it in your face by leaving instead of cleaning something up.

I agree with the others that it is time she lives someplace else.

Unhappy's picture

Submitted by Unhappy on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:37pm

I agree with you 100%. You are not asking much. Just help out a little. I think it's time for a little life lesson. Kick her but out or make her pay rent. DH and I have already talked about this when the kids get older. If they are going to college and want to stay with us then it will be rent free. There will still be rules and chores. If they are nto going to go to college they will pay rent and there will still be rules and chores. Life is not a free ride and that's what kids should be taught. You don't like then move out and get your own place where you can do whatever you want. But guess what, there's still rent, bills, a job, gas money, possible car payment, groceries, and so on.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 4:39pm

I'm sorry but I wouldnt care whose 19 year old this was. She is 19. She is an adult. Since you are all so generous with her-the least she could do is pick up after herself, do some chores to repay you both for your kindness. Im not sure what her thought was in sending you a picture of the dogs mess-that sounds kind of shitty. In my house-the dogs are everyone's responsbility and if you walk by a mess and do nothing with it-you are in big trouble. If my 14, 13, and 10 year olds can respect this I would surely think a 19 year old could. Heck she probably went to more effort to take a pic of it and send it to you than it would take to clean it up.

I would give your dh one more opportunity to get involved. Let him know if he does not, then you will handle it. Then I would pull the little darling aside and quite frankly mke her feel like crap. Let her know all that you do for her and for how many years and she is an adult and should no longer be sponging off of you. If she has any decency she will feel guilty and perhaps think about her behaviors If she is just a spoiled brat, she will just take off. Either way it sounds like a win/win. I wouldnt even technically kick her out, I would just make it clear that there are going to be expectations for her and that your contribution to her care stops immediately. Make her a little less comfortable in your house and she can go live with one of her other many parents.

Slim Ryan's picture

Submitted by Slim Ryan on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 5:10pm

Oh WoW...Kick her ass out. Does she have a key? She sounds like a real pos and a moocher. My BD21 is in her own apartment now because I was not going to continue taking care of her. This girl is your step step kid??? Hell no. And idk what's with these men and their soft backbones like jellyfish

Not_Having_Fun's picture

Submitted by Not_Having_Fun on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 7:00pm

Completely agree with hismineandours.

Regardless of where SD biologically stands, she is 19 years old & needs to pull her weight. No-one should feel entitled to a free ride at that age. She should definitely be helping around the house with the chores & I believe contributing something financially. It is also something she needs to be learning for 'the real world'. You only asked for a clean up of the mess made by the dog not even something permanent! That is disrespectful that she would send you a photo & then when asked to clean up she just ignored that. I wouldn't accept that from anyone in my household - bio, step or anyone! She is a fully grown adult & needs to step up with responsibilities.

As for DH I think he needs to stop feeling like its not really his kid so he can't discipline or enforce rules etc. as I've said, it doesn't matter who they are they should be contributing at 19 both with chores & financially. I think he doesn't want any drama so it's easier just to let things go. Not good enough. Talk to him about it again & try & approach it with an outsiders perspective like "if your mate & his wife had a 19 year old daughter would you not think it would be reasonable for them to ask her to help around the house & perhaps contribute some money for food, electricity etc". Make it really clear this isn't about who she is but what is reasonable for anyone who would be staying there. He needs to understand that SD is just taking you both for a ride & that's not O.K. Make it clear to DH that something needs to change & it's up to him to back you up & also enforce the change. Then perhaps if all three of you sit down & have a chat, just casually & just ask SD to do some chores (have some to list so the boundaries are set) & a dollar figure like you've suggested for rent. I think both you & DH need to be firm in the case she gets angry or upset & refuses & tell her that is the only option & to take it or leave it. She needs to respect you & not sponge from you. Make it clear to her also that this would apply to anyone living there & it's just something a 19 year old adult should do.

ownpersonalopinion1's picture

Submitted by ownpersonalopinion1 on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 7:37pm

I wouldn't put up with that crap from my own kid much less somebody else's kid. I wouldn't put up with the drama she brought with her also.

She has a mother and father and she needs to go to HER home.

CPaquette's picture

Submitted by CPaquette on Wed, 09/12/2012 - 8:35pm

That is a great point of view. I would be inclined to think it were the right one if I were the 'me' of five years ago. However, this is a pattern (as I stated previously- even her BM and BD both complain about the same things and she switches houses to avoid where she is in "trouble") I have asked for support from him before and its always the same "well what do you want me to do. She isn't really my kid". So, I say this: "If she isn't really your kid, then I guess we aren't obligated to supply the free ride".

I did tell her how I felt and what the deal was and she ignored me and called him to bitch about me. It was then that he didn't stand with his wife, but rather stood down. Not cool in this situation of repeating offender.

CPaquette's picture

Submitted by CPaquette on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 7:33am

I see your point better now. Thank you. You are right in some aspects, and I will take them into account. If I have to do it on my own I will, but I would simply just like my husband to say- 'Im sticking with SM on this'. Obvious SD19 thinks that she can just call each parent in turn and see which one will be giving her the least resistance. That is stopping in my house at least.

You are right, he has said go ahead and deal with it the way you want. So I don't need to make any bigger a deal, I just simply want him to say to her that he is in agreement with me and that she will get no sympathy from his side. That is all.

Not_Having_Fun's picture

Submitted by Not_Having_Fun on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 12:27am

This SD is 19 & living in a house where she contributes nothing. No chores, no financial contribution. I don't think it matters one bit who is her bio Dad, who is her bio Mum, she needs to contribute.

DH disengaging is not really appropriate considering she cannot just be left to do whatever she pleases with no rules or anything. Just give her free rein of everything because there are no biological parents in the house? No way! Ignoring the situation because it is too hard & DH doesn't want to look like the bad guy isn't disengaging!

DH needs to realize that this girl needs to contribute! I'm not saying throw ultimatums at him, threaten anyone, kick anyone out or have a huge argument. I'm saying try again to get him to see the situation as it is. I would be frustrated too if my DH didn't agree or back me up on the fact a 19 year old adult living in our house should be contributing. There is not one single person on here to post that they disagree that she should be contributing. All have said she should be. Then what is wrong with wanting DH to see this too?