So last night DH and I had a talk about his behavior as of late. For those of you who read my blog from yesterday you'll know exactly what I am talking about.

One of the things that I asked him because I know that his ex was emotional abusive towards him and would not only belittle him at home but out in public too was if his ex treated him the way that he has been treating me. (Our neighbor, who was there throughout their entire marraige, told me that he's not the same person he was before.) He told me that no matter what he did it was never good enough and that no matter how trivial an issue was that it was always his fault. He also told me that he figured out why he was doing it. He said that he feels insecure about his being able to provide and be a great father and husband to his family and that he lashes out at me because I am doing the things that he should be doing. He also told me that he's afraid of parenting the right way because he thinks his kids may choose to live with BM when they get older. He knows it needs to be done and told me that. His lack of parenting hasn't done them any favors and has damaged our relationship. He cried throughout the entire talk. He told me that if his grandfather could see him (he passed away last spring and was the best man DH ever knew) that he would be so ashamed of him. He told me that he drank to much while he watched his Sunday football game (which he did) but that was no excuse for his behavior. He also did some research on emotional abuse and that he was emotionally abusing me. He told me that in regards to my BD's new room that we should have done it along time ago and that he was being selfish. DH has pretty much hit rock bottom.

So......I told him that at this point he has not done anything unforgivable. That he has hit rock bottom and there's no place else to go but up. If he's unhappy with himself then he needs to do something to change it. For example, to mend the hurt relationship with his BD he needs to do things with her that she likes. Not just sit together and watch TV. Do things like take her to her favorite forzen yogurt shop, paint her nails, play monster high dolls with her. (He may not want to do these things but this a part of the parenting that he's not doing that upsets him about himself.) Create the memories that she will carry into her adult life. He can't just sit there being depressed about it and expect things to change because that's not going to happen. But and this is a very big but, he still needs to find a balance for everyone in the family.

I also told him that yes I may repeat myself with certain issues or there may be times that he doesn't want to hear it but after all of the crap that I put up that I didn't want to that he owed that to me. He has made huge improvements with his parenting so I was not trying discredit that, but there are still issues that need to be worked on regardless, such as competing with 7 year old for my place in the house. That needs to stop. The things that I offer such as advise as to how to handle a situation is not me being selfish. It's me trying to help him. When I say that he needs to make time for us when the kids are up it's not because I want all of his time. It's because I think it's important to show all three kids how a relationship is actually supposed to work. It's not all about the kids all of the time. This is not how a relationship works. and he is setting the kids up for failed relationships in the future. This benifits all in the family. I also told him that when I bring up an issue that I see that it should not be just dismissed because he can't see it. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there and I have been spot on more times then not. Things don't need to get to the point where they are so out of control that it affects every member of the house.

I also told him I will no longer tolerate the verbal abuse. This needs to stop. I understand that he has hit rock bottom and I am more then willing to help him back up onto his feet if he's willing to let me. I know that he is not the person he has turned into lately. I understand that he is not happy with who he is at the moment and that I am willing help him to be the person that he wants to be. I still love him and we took vows. I know that he is and can be a wonderful man he just needs to get himself out of this funk. You never leave your partner in a fire.

I am a stuborn women. Always have been. I have lived a hard life and have been abused before. I know this man is just hurting. He feels like a failure as a parent and a spouce. This does not excuse the behavior but it gives me something to work with. I can think of many times throughout my life that I was left lying face down in the dirt (hit rock bottom) and I had nobody there to help me back up and I can tell you all it sucks. If I could punch his ex in the face for the way she damaged him I would, but that's not going to happen any time soon and other then making me feel better it wouldn't solve anything. I've learned that a good friend, a really good friend, someone that you could trust with your life is hard to find and those are the people that never leave you when you're down. It's the tough times that either build strength in a relationship or destroy it.