Confused....
I found out this week that now 3 of my 5 closest friends are pregnant. Of the two left, one is talking about having a baby next year and the other just celebrated her daughters 1st birthday. So I've had babies on the brain lately. FDH had talked about the possibility of having a baby when we first got together, I said I wasn't sure if I wanted one, he said he would rather not, since he has three and had a vasectomy (this is why we talked about it in the begining), but that he would if I really wanted to. Fast forward two years and I'm wondering, do I want a child? Not right now, no, I have work and school and Baby Momma Drama, but what if I want one in a few years? I kind of like the idea of having someone who will love me as their parent, not just their Daddy's girlfriend or wife. I mean who's going to take care of me when I'm 80 and can't do it myself? Not his kids! I'm pretty sure my parents would like to be grandparents too. Then I think how much our lives would change if we had a child and I wonder if it's what I really want. I'm so not ready to have a child, and I know it.
Anyway, to the point: I've brought this up a little bit with my FDH, and it seems that he either told me what he thought I wanted to hear or has changed his mind since then because he says he doesn't want to have to pay child support again (you want to marry me but assume I will leave you?) and that having children changes a woman and that worries him. Then he says last night, what if our child was sick like SS6 is? He doesn't want to go through that again (please note, SS6 illness is very rare and is not hereditary at all), which I think is a rediculous way to look at it. He sounds like he is pretty against us having a child at all.
I guess I feel like, you can have children with women that you don't even want to be with, but not with me? So what does that say about how you feel about me? I'm good enough to live with, to cook for you and clean and take care of your kids and lend you money, but not to procreate with. I guess I need to decide for sure, do I want kids or do I want to be with FDH? Because it seems to me that he thinks it's one or the other.
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Same here, ' So what does
Same here, ' So what does that say about how you feel about me? I'm good enough to live with, to cook for you and clean and take care of your kids and lend you money, but not to procreate with.'
This bothers me on a weekly basis.
I tried to talk to DH about it, i told him I always thought I'd have 3 children. His answer: Well now you have 4!!! I was stunned speechless for only a moment, I simply said no DH, YOU have 2, I have 2 - WE have none.
DH complains BM is a horrible person, yet she was good enough to mother TWO children for him.
DH claims I am the love of his life, but no babies for me.
I know, it's so rediculous.
I know, it's so rediculous. And I hate that they just can't wrap their heads around it.
I feel like it would bother me less if I had a bio of my own, but I guess maybe I'm wrong if you have bios and still feel that way.
If I didn't have my own bios
If I didn't have my own bios - that would have been the deal breaker for me.
You have to decide if its a deal breaker for you or not - this is a pretty big one to give up having children of your own if its something you really want.
This likely sounds crazy, but I considered telling DH that I, ME, wanted a baby and if he didn't, that was ok but that I would go to a sperm bank and have a baby. I weighed that out for myself very carefully - and decided I had 2 beautiful children already and that having the 3rd baby without DH wasn't what I really wanted. So I didn't bring it up. But I did take the time to weigh all the options for myself carefully.
There is nothing in the world like having your own child if its something you really want. Do not give that up for any man. Soul search - be true to yourself. This is a big one I think.
Oh honey, someone who is
Oh honey, someone who is worth being with won't make you choose. The option should have always been open if he said it was, and if he says it's not now, well, then you need to decide what is most important to you. I think, for me, the issue would have been that due to his life choices, I must now limit mine. It doesn't matter if I don't want kids now, the freedom of being able to have a child with the one I love should always be on the table, medically willing.
I would have a sit down with him and talk it out. Ask him if the reason he's giving all of these negatives is if he doesn't want a child. Ask him to be honest with you, so that you may make an informed decision.
I know that if it was me, and he wasn't 100% on board and excited to have a baby with me, I wouldn't waste my breath or time. If I wasn't sure whether I wanted one or not, I would like to know my SO supports whatever decision I make in the end, and would be happy for me. This goes vice versa--he should expect me to support him if he wants one, and if I don't then he has the right to leave.
Sorry you're going through this. It must be feel like stomps on your heart to hear.
I think some people have kids
I think some people have kids not really knowing what having kids will be like then after one or two realize its a lot of damn work, mostly thankless, and they sure as hell don't want to do it again. Maybe that's the case here and it has nothing to do with you specifically.
Did you talk to him about
Did you talk to him about why? That if he could show you and your Bss that they won't be treated second rate that it's something you'll think about? That if he can show you he can be an effective parent, that you will consider it? If he wants one badly enough he'll change, if he doesn't well, then perhaps it's not something he wants bad enough.
There are many good reasons NOT to have kids as well, and parenting by someone who sucks at it is one.
I think if he had said to me,
I think if he had said to me, with SS6 in and out of the hospital I don't want to do it now but we can talk about it later, I would have been able to sympathize, sometimes circumstances don't allow these things to happen. It's part of why I wouldn't want to have a child right now. It's just that he said it was an option (SS6 was in the same boat then as now)and now makes me feel that it isn't. He should have been up front about it.
I don't disagree with you
I don't disagree with you that we all tell little lies when we first start dating people (Ironically I am the football lover in this house lol), but that is just it..... there are little lies (faking an orgasm as you mentioned) that don't matter, and there are big ones that really do. This is one of them.
I can see where you might say that I was naive for believing him when he said that he could have it reversed and it was an option, maybe I was. But people do lots of things that they regret when they think their life is going to end up one way (with his ex) and it ends up differently. I moved across the country to be with him believing that my life would be one way and it looks like it is going to turn out very differently than I anticipated. Will I regret it? Only time will tell, but my decision isn't permanent, if we were to break up, I would turn around and go back to my family and friends. My point is, that I had no reason to believe that he was lying to me. It may have been the right decision for me, but why should I pay for that decision and the lie that followed? I shouldn't.