Having a pity party for myself Re: step life
It’s just one of those nights when I’m feeling depressed and overwhelmed about being a second wife with a SS9 and bm that will be in my life for a majority of it. I didn’t think it would be so hard and, for me, such a mind f*ck. I’m in therapy to help deal with these feelings, but I don’t think I’m as strong as some of you ladies here. I resent my husband sometimes. My relationship with my in laws, which I was looking forward to before we got married is nonexistent because of their allegiance to bm. I wish I could say eff em but I still find it hurtful. Dh’s feelings about SS change based on how the last interaction with him went, which I find unsettling. Ss looks just like BM and mentions her all the time. We have a no-phone rule for privacy because BM is nosy, but I dread when he gets older and pushes back against that rule. Can we ban phones at any age? I do not trust SS or BM. I am a very private person. I dont feel like this is normal or natural for me to be in this situation, but now I have a toddler and I have to think of him. This was good to get this out. If you read it, please send me positive thoughts.
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phones
Phones are the bane of step life. SD (who no longer lives with us and is estranged from her father due to alienation mostly) at age 15 took a photo of herself in our bedroom in front of the very large mirror on the wardrobe. The reflection showed nearly all of our bedroom. She then put it on FB for everyone to see. We were not in the house when this happened. We were told by relatives that it was on there and then had her take it down. I hate phones. They are such a tool for alienation: the minute you say no to a skid they are on the phone to BM. BM et al get to see pics of your home, anything new you buy etc. It's horrible.
Can you ban them? You can at a younger age but it's very hard as they get older. At any age a BM with go loco if you ban the phone. It's their alienation life line. I just don't know what the answer to it is.
In laws that keep an allegiance with BM are a nightmare. They say 'it's for the kids' but I'm not convinced by that arguement. My only advice to you is that dis-engaging might be the best route. Make a space in your home that can be skid free and make sure you have plenty of time away from skid. Grin and bear the in-laws. If they invite BM to barbecues or family events etc then just don't go.
I think you have to set it out to your DH how it will be, make a space for yourself and live in it. If your in laws see that you won't be around if BM is around or if they keep talking about her etc then maybe they will get the message.
Skid free space
I do have a private office and ensuite bathroom that SS isn’t allowed to go into. Also not allowed in our bedroom. I was quite adamant about “banning” him from my private space. Dh said that SS isn’t used to not having everywhere access but he agreed .
You are pushed to this point
I dont think it is normal to just arrive at these feelings of despair. So many people (including myself) start out hopeful and positive about how we see our future relationship. We want good mature relationships with our new family - hoping for positive interactions.
Then one day you notice its all gone to a ball of sh!t. How the hell did I (we) get into this emotional mess and negative spiral? I wont say we are innocent as to how this happened, but having your privacy invaded, being disrespected, having your boundaries mowed down, being at war in your own home is awful. This happens with people who you love and are supposed to love you back - it shakes you to the very core of your being.
There is no manual to tell you how to deal with this, there is no handbook to help your heart after it is stomped on by uncaring people who have more loyalty to a family that is already wrecked and want to drag that wreckage into your new life like a damn wrecking ball.
I am so sorry you feel this way. I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better because I so can relate to how you feel. The only advice I can offer is to take care of you. Take care of your emotional health. Sometimes you can make things better with the family you married in to - with their help. Sometimes you can not. Only you can decide what that looks like for you - to be the better version of you.
Beautiful advice and you
Beautiful advice and you really captured the step process very well! I was also taken by surprise and, apparently, unrealistic expectations...
I think everyone was... I
I think everyone was... I remember thinking about my Godson and how functional his BM is with the SM and his BF. Gave me this hope that it would totally work because we'd all just make sure the kids were taken care of and follow the CO and stay out of each other's lives except when it involved the kids!
It was all a lie. I didn't calculate the psychotic and narcistic nature of BM. Or the weird loyalties my new family would have to the wh0re... Especially since she blackmailed their son into marrying her by threat of never letting him see SD9 again... Then the fact she cheated the WHOLE relationship (dating and marriage)... And neglects and abuses the Skids... I thought for sure I'd be a shoe in on the "not psycho wife" scale. Go figure. LMAO
There's no manual?!?!!
Haha, totally agree with your excellent summary.
Thank you
For such sage advice. I do have to remember to take care of myself and not push myself to the bottom of the totem pole because "it was a package deal and you knew what you were getting into." There's no way to know unless you are in it. I am doing yoga and taking nice long walks, which have helped tremendously.
Stay Strong
I know if your SS is 9, it probably seems like an impossibly long road ahead. But I'm here to tell you, with the right support (friends, STALK, therapy etc) you can do it. My SD was 8 and my SS was 7 when I met DH. I tried really hard and we actually got along at first, but as they reached that "tween" age, I had our BS8 and I don't know if they were jealous, but they started to act differently and I also feel like BMs started the PASsing when they realized I wasn't going anywhere. My skids are now 19 and 20 and BMs are ghosts of the past. We never have to see them, couldn't tell you the last time that DH talked to one of them and our life is mostly peaceful now. Don't get me wrong, skids still cause drama from time to time which is why I'm still here, but the level is at a 10th of what it used to be.... which was constant.
I'm not going to lie, there were a couple times (when SD moved in with us when she was 14) that I was certain DH and I were headed for divorce, but we perservered and I think our marriage is much stronger because of it. Disnegaging was the best thing I did. I realized that me harping on DH about SD stealing, lying, manipulation, being a slob etc was making ME the bad guy instead of her. When I stopped, is when DH started getting annoyed with her antics on his own and he wasn't lashing out at me, because I was indifferent.
Does your SS live with you or just EOWE or something of that nature?
Long distance
No, here’s the thing: he’s long distance! I can’t imagine how I would feel if he were 50/50 with a lot more bm interaction. He’s here a month in the summer, a week at spring break or Christmas and then Dh goes to visit him an average of 4-5x a year, and I go with him maybe two of those times, though I’m thinking of not going anymore. So I don’t have it as hard as some of the ladies here, but still struggling. I told DH that SS could only move in if BM died. Do I have that right? He agreed. Did you have a phone issue with your skids?
phone issue
Not really sure if we had a "phone issue" so much as tattling issue, in that I know that everything was done, said, whatever at our house was reported to BMs. That's what started the war between BM2 and I. SS went and told her that I was excluding him.. doing things with SD and not him. The instances she gave were taking SD to school on bring your DAUGHTER to work day, taking SD and a friend to the movies (which had been planned a week in advance) and not taking SS who was sick with MONO, and running to the Christmas tree farm next door and spending literally FIVE minutes picking out a Christmas tree because it was like -10 with wind chill, AND we actually left half the tree undecorated so that when SS came later he could decorate some. But whatever, I guess SS tattled about all of these "injustices" and BM2 scolded DH and told him to "speak to me" about my leaving SS out. I of course called her my damn self and set her straight and that did NOT go well.
But there is really no getting around the nosy nelly stuff. Some kids just feel the need to be nosy and report. Sure it sucks, I hated every second of it.. always felt like I had to watch what I was saying or doing, or buying, or eating or breathing or pooping.....