Feeling ready to throw in the towel
Hi there. So I've finally broken down and created an account, although I've been following/reading for months. Last night I hit a breaking point, and I'm feeling ready to leave my marriage. But I thought that I might seek advice from those than understood first.
Of course, like most of these types of things, this particular instance is simply the straw that broke the camel's back.
Basically, I feel DH has reverted back to Guilty Parent Syndrome. When we first moved in together, I noticed the GPS right away. We have had many an argument/conversation/cry over feeling like there were no expectations for SS14 because we only have him one night a week for 3 hours and EOW. Same old story--- SS14's grades started slipping. DH and I worked together to set expectations and consequences. The expectations haven't been met in 6 months, the consequences are being consistently enforced. Which means less and less "fun time" when SS14 is over. Instead of getting frustrated with SS14, I think DH has been growing more resentful of me for this. (Because until I came in the picture, DH had no idea what SS14's grades even were).
We have SS14 tonight, so yesterday, as always, I went grocery shopping. I do all the meal planning, and grocery shopping, despite having a full-time high-pressure career, and 2 side jobs. I do this because if I didn't, we would eat fast food, like DH and BM did for their 10 year marriage. Knowing that we had SS14 this weekend, I made sure to get kid-friendly foods and breakfast/lunch/dinner for the weekend. FF to last night. DH and I went out to dinner, and before we left, I took frozen chicken out for the meal tonight. When we got home, the chicken still wasn't thawed. DH then suggested that we go buy a rotisserie chicken so that everything could be prepped for DH and SS14 to heat up when they get home tonight. (I'll be at my second job until about 6:45). We went to two grocery stores, both were out of rotisserie chicken. So I said, "well, DH, I guess you're going to have to cook dinner from scratch tomorrow." And then, DH said "Can't you just go to the grocery store on your lunch break and then run home and prep the meal?". IT TOOK EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO RIP HIS FACE OFF FOR THIS. I stayed calm. I explain that no, I couldn't do that with my work schedule. Then DH said, "Well I don't want to spend my time with SS14 cooking dinner."
I stayed calm. Inside, I was breaking. I felt taken advantage of, and stepped on, and like a servant expected to have dinner on the table for my masters. I'm incredulous at the thought that DH is put out by having to prepare dinner for his own child. He seems to be so focused on making SS14's time with us "fun time" that the real world stops. (as another example, I mentioned that the floors need cleaning this weekend, to which DH said "we have SS14 this weekend."). I'm especially upset because DH and SS14 never spend quality time together. Isn't cooking dinner what normal families do? Why does every visit have to be filled with games and movies and TV? SS14 is lazy. They never do anything but watch tv when we have him. Even though I've tried to plan outings, or encouraged us all to get outside, etc. (He's so lazy that he quit playing mini-golf halfway through and went and sat in the car. It didn't help that he was in last place.) So it isn't like cooking dinner is interrupting some big event or tradititon they normally have.
It was a feeling I can't quite describe, but I feel like it broke something inside of me. I don't know how to recover. Help?
welcome skill. you are like
welcome skill. you are like most of us here fed up and hurt by the actions of our husbands and his children.
dont apologise for the way you feel. you feel this way for a reason. its very common for men not to have clue about parenting their own children and putting their wives last in priority.
last straws are common. sometimes you get to the breaking point.
only you can determine when and if to leave your marriage. i am glad you are here to vent and get some opinions.
imo your dh is projecting his disapointment and anger over his son at you. its not fair but commom.
please refer to the disengagement topic on the other forums. you will feel much better once you disengage.
hats off to you for not losing your cool when dh suggested you give up your lunch break to his whim to help his son. i would not have.
disney dads are very common and the end of many a marriage. sounds like your ss is a spoiled little brat.
Thanks, SugarSpice. I love
Thanks, SugarSpice. I love DH so much, but feel like my house has begun to turn upside down when SS14 is here. DH never had to be a parent. DH freely admits he "doesn't have a parenting style." Truthfully, DH was a pretty absent father. Unfortunately, he had to open his eyes when he divorced BM. In several ways, I feel like I'm stuck in an impossible position because DH wants me to take the reigns parenting (or at least, tell him how to parent and then let him do it), but yet he is beginning to resent me for this. It isn't helping that SS14 is becoming a typical teenager, so the issues are growing, rather than slowing down. All of a sudden DH is having to make lots of behavioral corrections, and he seems overwhelmed by parenting. And now he seems to be taking it out on me.
Does anyone know of a good counselor for step-families? I've seen a few online that do telephone appointments. We went to couples counseling early in our relationship, but I've not been able to find someone close by with any experience in "blended" families.
skill, i have been in your
skill, i have been in your shoes. when i married dh i wanted to support him in his raising his children. his x ran off with another man and got custody of the skids and moved across the country.
like yours my dh never had to parent as his x left when the skids were infants and toddlers.
please learn to disengage. there is an entire forum on this. there is also a good link on disengagement.
your ss is not your child. that is the job of your dh. in time your ss will be a young man and wont even care about you, and may actively try to ruin your marriage to his father. my skids did this and almost succeeded.
be wary of counselors for stepmothers. most of them ask us to put the children first. they only understand the dynamics of intact families and not steps. i wish you the very best. be strong and dont allow yourself to be a door mat.
http://steptogether.org/help.html
Also, I've read about
Also, I've read about disengaging, but I don't know that it is the right solution for us. To me, that's an extreme solution, and probably more appropriate when there's bigger issues with skids. SS14 isn't a bad kid. He follows my authority like any normal teenager (with a little push back, etc). DH doesn't allow him to disrespect me. I don't feel ignored or left-out when we have SS14.
I'm not sure how disengaging would work, since I don't want to be out of the picture completely when SS14 is around. It would just be nice if DH would pick up the slack with the parenting, and in particular, the cooking, when we have SS14. I don't know how I can tell DH to handle all food when we have SS14 (which I know he will if I tell him to), but then also demand that it be real, healthy food, and not just fast food for every meal.
For those who have disengaged, or something along those lines, how to you make those differences work? Do you cook and eat for yourself separately? What about budgeting? (I know a lot of you that have disengaged and have separate finances, but it is far too late for that in our family, and not something that I even want to consider).
there are degrees of
there are degrees of disengagement. its never an all or none.
for instance making your dh cook for his own son is a form of disengagement. you are stepping back and letting him parent his own son.
at least you are blessed with a dh who wont let his son disrespect you. that is a blessing. many of us here have husbands who let their children abuse us.
mine was one such husband. his own children made him into a doormat and tried to with me. they learned their own father was a spine less push over but could not do that to me. dh learned the hard way.
you still have the task of making your dh understand that in the end it is his son and not yours.
i can see cooking when you are there but to expect you to run around and give up your lunch hour is really expecting way too much to the point of taking advantage of you.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advice, SugarSpice. See my update above!
I do hope you find a good
I do hope you find a good counsellor. In the meantime, you could begin by NOT cooking anything when your SS is there. If your DH is used to buying him junk food, then he can revert back to that. That way, your DH can't complain that you're «making» him cook for his own child (which a normal father would do by the way, my SO loves to cook for SD), and you won't be feeling used.
This definitely seems like
This definitely seems like the way to go. Thank you!
s-kill me, I would let go of
s-kill me, I would let go of cooking. While I appreciate what you’re trying to do in the situation here, most of us here follow the motto that “you cannot care more than the biological parent.”
That’s what you’re doing here. And while I totally get you (not a fast food eater myself, our children don’t eat fast food), and wasn’t a fan of DH’s child being fed fast food, A LOT, between BM and DH (out of convenience and a “treat”), you just have to let it go.
You feel off because you’re killing your spirit. Seriously - let your DH juggle mealtime and entertainment. You ARE being treated like a servant. The audacity to ask you to tend to food on your lunch hour. C’mon, don’t allow this to happen to you. It’s a slow death of your marriage.
Momjeans, thanks for this. I
Momjeans, thanks for this. I repeated your motto to DH last night. It took a little while, but I think it finally clicked with him that although he might care on the inside more than I do, the actions show differently.
I feel better knowing that things have changed. Thank you for helping empower me to get back to my normal, no-nonsense, speaks up at everything, self.
How is it that you have two side jobs
and are still expected to pretty much take care of all household dutites? Unless DH is also working beyond a traditional work week, he ought to be taking care of the household - especially when it comes to SS. Unvelievable that he would expect you to shop on your lunch break and cook when you get home!
We both work extra jobs, but
We both work extra jobs, but mostly because they are paid hobbies. (See my update above ha!).
DH does do his fair share, and perhaps because I was so upset, I didn't paint the best picture. I do the cooking and shopping, DH does the majority of the cleaning, laundry, etc. This mostly works for us, since I enjoy cooking, and hate cleaning.
I think I felt taken advantage of, and unappreciated. DH pointed out in our conversation last night that on many occasions I have gone home on lunch and taken care of shopping, meal prep, etc. Which is true. But the difference (to me) was that I did that when I, or DH, had something going on and wouldn't be home, or only had a small amount of time at home, etc. So in DH's eyes, he was asking me to do something I have shown I do willingly. But it came across VERY differently because DH was going to be home and is perfectly capable!
Welcome s-kill me. It hurts
Welcome s-kill me. It hurts when you are in a relationship with a man that you love and feel broken inside. So sorry you are hurting. I feel he doesn't know how lucky he is to have you in his life.Asking you to go shopping on your lunch break is toooo much. Just nuts!
It is time for you to make some changes. Changes that benefit you. On the week night that SS comes for 3 hours let dad and son have their time together without you. You do not cook for them. That night you do what works for you. Act like they aren't even there.
The weekend that SS is there if you want to cook a meal do it if you have time. If you don't have time don't. My thinking is you work all week long and side jobs you have things you need to get done for yourself. I would just slowly back off for a while and let your DH take care of his son. He is the parent. The good news for you is SS is 14. If he was 4 I would be more worried for you. But really when this kid gets a job and a car by 16 or 17 things change. For now today think about yourself. This is not being selfish but more of taking care of your needs to live a happier life. HUGS
Thank you, Queen. I'm
Thank you, Queen. I'm certainly going to take the time to focus more on myself. In my time last night, I went and got some books I've been meaning to read, and went to the park, sat outside, and read. It was refreshing. I do think I need to take the time we have SS for this.
And believe me, I too am thankful SS is already 14. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I didn't come into his life so late (he was 11), because then I would be naturally more of a "mother figure" and we would have a better flow by now. But other times, when I'm being truly honest (and selfish), I'm comforted to know that this won't last for much longer!
Yep
I second all the commentors! I did the same thing, cooking, cleaning, "kid friendly" (gawd i HATE that expression) shopping, meals, etc. It WASN'T appreciated...it was RESENTED! Like the old saying "do a little more each day and each day a little more will be expected."
Let them eat junk and lie around. While they are having this fun-fest and "don't want to spend what little time i have disciplining my kid" (TM), you arrange something YOU want to do. Sounds marriage-unfriendly, but mini-spousedom and guilty daddyitis isn't a normal situation.
In my case, I couldn't just go off without fear of the skids burning down the house, as Chef would never supervise his ferals. I would busy myself with housework, side jobs, gardening, etc. I also had to put the brakes on Chef's disney spending--MY money--his all went to CS.
SLOWLY stop cooking, cleaning, etc. Only cook for you and possibly DH but not for SS. When skid is gone, insist that DH clean up skiddo's aftermath. It will not be a problem for them as long as you play maid, cook and laundress. You have to MAKE it be a problem for DH to jolt him into reality or skid will turn out good for nothing like my skids are.
Thanks, Thinkthrice. I
Thanks, Thinkthrice. I mentioned a lot of what you wrote here when I talked to DH. I'm lucky that I don't (generally) have to clean up after them, but I did basically tell DH that he's going to be jolted into reality. After reading this, it also made me more comfortable to bring up to DH that I worry about SS as an adult. It was a tough conversation, but at the end, DH seemed to realize that he isn't setting SS up to be a successful adult, and we both want that.
I'm lucky that DH doesn't believe in parental support (other than help with college expenses like books) after high school graduation. That also means no adult skids living with us!
It's always hard when you
It's always hard when you finally see that the relationship your SO wants isn't one of partnership but more of a cook, maid, household manager and bed warmer. A lot of us jump in thinking these poor creatures were some how troubled or not treated right in their past relationship but really that's just their version to their potential victim. Truth is probably more in the middle. They probably didn't live off of fastfood during their years together, but your SO probably made a subtle hint that they ate out a lot (probably because he never took turns to cook) and you took it as fastfood because SHE is lazy instead of HE is equally lazy.
This is just the tip of the ice berg that is the rose-colored glasses we wear when we first meet these men with exes and children. Now what you can do is call him out on his lack of initiative to provide for HIS spawn or just buck up in general and learn how to feed himself which is something he would have to do regardless of being a parent or spouse. OR you can call a spade a spade and separate household responsibilities (his kid is his responsibilities, not yours even after marriage).
You are absolutely right,
You are absolutely right, Maxwell. Thanks for pointing out the reality of what DH's former life looked like. This prompted me to speak with him more about it, and to be honest with myself that DH isn't a victim. He could have picked up the slack parenting and cooking and cleaning in his former family, but he chose not to. I told him this, and it led to a very good (and confidence building) conversation about who he was as a husband before, and who he is as my husband.
UPDATE
Wow, First of all... I'm floored by the response. Thank you all so much for taking time out of your day to respond to my post. It's incredibly comforting, and means more to me than I expected. Now for an update...
I stayed gone from the house until after SS left yesterday. When I got home, DH was sitting at the table waiting to talk to me. We had a long, very productive talk. I cried a few times, which is VERY unlike me. DH was apologetic (and not just "I'm sorry" but meaningful "I am sorry for making you feel like you owe it to us to cook, etc". I told him how awful he had made me felt, and didn't hold back. I also told him that from now on, he is in charge of cooking/groceries/etc when SS is here. I know he was overwhelmed by the thought, but he said he was happy to do it. I was also happy to hear him say, on his own, that he would not just feed us fast food every week.
I reminded DH that we have SS EOWeek soon for the summer, and that because of the lax parenting recently, I'm very anxious about that. We had a good conversation about expectations for the summer, chores, cooking, etc. We decided that we would cook/shop/etc every other week. I'll take the weeks it is just us, and he will take the weeks when SS is here. It was so incredibly refreshing to feel like I have my teammate back.
At some point in the conversation, DH mentioned that I seemed unusually upset by his comment and attitude about cooking. He explained what he meant, and I explained what it sounded like to me. And then he made a good point... we usually catch those types of miscommunciations/misunderstandings, and fix them quickly. DH said he was surprised to see me so emotional, and so at-the-end-of-my-rope without any indication. He then asked me if I could be pregnant. Of course, I was first pissed off and told him I felt like he was minimizing my feelings. But after thinking more about it, I realized that it was uncharacteristic of me not to say "hey, DH, we need to have a conversation about xyz" before getting this upset. So we went to the store and took a test and sure enough... We are expecting!!!
I'm nervous about parenting with a SS, and about parenting in general, but I feel like I have great timing in joing ST, because now I have all of you to help me with my journey.
Oh and somewhat related, I wanted to clarify my side jobs. I have a full-time career. I also tutor 3 kids for 1 hour a week, because I used to be a teacher and I missed that part of my life. I also coach a sports team, mainly because that is my passion. When I moved to DH's hometown, I wanted to keep part of myself, my identity, etc., and also have time away from SS and family responsibilities. So my side jobs are more like paid hobbies. It isn't about us needing the money, it was more about my personality and preferences! DH has a full-time career and a two-nights-a-week paid hobby. We just bought a beautiful home, and are doing fine financially. We could both work just our careers, and be more than fine. So I'm not worried about being used for my money, or anything along those lines.
Thank you again. I'll try to reply individually, but I thought one big update and thanks would be easiest.
Congratulations!!! (I'm
Congratulations!!! (I'm ssuming you're excited about being pregnant...) That sounds exciting and terrifying! I admit I'm not brave enough for that yet!
I'm happy that you and your DH had the productive talk! That's a tricky thing to do a lot of the time, especially without someone trying to be defensive over something.
Keep us updated!
Thanks, Probably! We are
Thanks, Probably! We are VERY excited. I had a missed miscarriage in December, so we had been trying, but not as actively since then. I'm very nervous about how SS and BM will handle it. I can feel the drama brewing already. Ha! But that's another post for antoher day.
I'm glad the talk went well. I was actually surprised it went as well as it did. And honestly, I think having a night with SS home and me completely out of the picture was a bit of a wake-up call. DH can be VERY defensive about parenting, as I understand most divorced dads are. But I think something must have clicked because even the usual push-back was gone yesterday.
Well congratulations and I
Well congratulations and I honestly wish you the best!!! Ignore their drama! This is your time with your new little one! So they can suck it!
It does sound like something clicked! And thank goodness for that!
I hate to say this but
Don't get your expectations up too high regarding push back. Usually guilty daddys will give you lip service until an ultimatum has been reached. If they do start with consequences they will make you the ogre. Or they will backslide when the skid starts pushing back. Don't be surprised if skid suddenly wants to be at the BM's all the time and not at your house. Usually the skid will gravitate to the house with the least amount of rules. Unfortunately with non-intact families, skids use this as lleverage quite a bit and most of the time it works.
At this point... DH should be faceless!
What works is boundaries, reasonable standards of behavior.. and absolute and unequivocal enforcement of those standards with escalating application of effective consequences for any violations of those standards.
In line with this I think that you should give DH clarity on how badly he screwed up with his idiocy. Outline it very directly and simply just as you have here. Give him the facts.
You work three jobs. WTF does DH do?
You plan, shop for, prep and cook the meals. WTF does DH do?
Etc.........
Different dynamics are in play in different marriages and families of course but....... In yours I don't see much equity in your equity life partnership with DH.
Not that mine is any more balanced. Though I am the earner (currently) my DW keeps it all between the lines, manages our finances, our credit score, feeds us, keeps us focused on our health improvement journey, etc..... Though all this is about to change significantly since she will be re-engaging her own career after a 7 year hiatus. So, we will be refloating all of this fairly shortly. That said... even I would not tolerate my bride having to work three jobs ... nor would I have the balls to ask her why she won't come home in between her three jobs to cook me and a toxic spawn dinner. Though I have no BioSpawn of any kind, toxic or not.