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I need some opinions/advice

jdu2288's picture

Submitted by jdu2288 on Thu, 04/26/2018 - 9:29pm

So here is some back story 

DH and I have both SS 5 days a week. They go to BM Wednesday after school until following morning and Saturday after dinner until Sunday after dinner (BM usually works Sundays so they spend the day with their stepdad)

DH works midnights. Sees the boys in the morning before school, a few hours after school, and then Saturday afternoon. (His shifts are Sunday nights to Saturday morning and only has Saturday night off so sleeps during the day Saturday)

what I’m getting at is that I spend the majority of time with the boys out of the four of us. BM left  DH and stepsons 7 years ago and this has been their schedule ever since (by her request) 

I am currently on maternity leave, so I see a lot, hear a lot, make sure homework is done if there is any, bathing happens lol, manage the household etc. I’m on top of all things family wise including stepsons. I’m the only person who read their report cards.  But should I be? I often feel if I’m not on top of things then no one will. I get DH is doing the best he can considering his work schedule and sleep schedule and the fact that he still helps out with our baby, making dinner and household chores. And BM can only do so much with the time she has with them even though it’s her choice.

 I always feel like I’m nagging, like I’m making myself crazy since I won’t be acknowledged like their BPs and won’t recieve the same respect and often find myself feeling bitter and frustrated. And I know I take it out on everyone sometimes  

I’m not sure if I should continue going about things the way I do or take a step back. 

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Thu, 04/26/2018 - 10:41pm

Just courious... what did your DH do prior to being married to you?

How old are the boys? If you step back, who will step up? And if nobody does and things, like school get out of control negatively...they don't do well enough to go to college? Or if they don't graduate...live with you past 18...doing little to nothing...

Did you realize you were going to become "the main parent" of SSs? Was that an expectation, stated or implied?

jdu2288's picture

Submitted by jdu2288 on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 7:38am

My MIL lived with them and helped out. Hubby and I bought a house last summer and she bought her own house. My fear is that no one will step up! Or DH will and it will just add to his stress level which is already high on a good day. 

I think my being on mat leave added to this. When i was working I would be at work from 7am until almost 6pm so hubby had to be more on top of things but now I’m available. In a way it is good I have no problem helping. The boys are 9 and 12 and the 12 year old is BMs favourite and she often pays less attention to the 9 year old (we know this by things the boys say, and the fact that she has told the 9 year old and hunby that he doesn’t have to visit her if he doesn’t want to)

 I think this all just sort of happened as we went but lately I get frustrated as I’m acting like a main parent but obviously not treated like one and I don’t expect to be. It’s just hard knowing whether I’m doing the right thing or not. I think I just have to start choosing my battles wisely and maybe instead of dealing with everything myself start bringing them to hubbys attention and go from there. 

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Submitted by dysfunctionally... on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 7:00am

You have the option to take on any role you are comfortable with. Your SSs have two parents who are perfectly capable to raise their children. 

If you want to be an involved SM then go for it. If you want to simply be Dads wife you have that option too. It is all up to how you handle it. 

Discuss what you would like your relationship as a SM to be with your DH. Maybe say 'I am willing to take on caretaker role but only in your absense. But all major parenting is on you. School, medical, behavior, etc.'. 

 

jdu2288's picture

Submitted by jdu2288 on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 7:41am

Thanks for the advice. I think when hunny is home and awake I will just bring things to his attention and when he is asleep/away then i will deal with things. I will just take it day by day and go from there

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 9:36am

Right now you are home full time.  I realize that there is a lot to do taking care of a baby (I do really).. but right now it seems that the most helpful thing you can do for the household is what you are doing now.  BUT.. I would be very aware of the fact that when you return to work you won't have the luxury of being able to do as much.

In that case, certainly DAD and the BM have to be able to step it up in the parent time department.  Maybe your DH needs to shift his sleep schedule a bit so he has more awake time after school... He certainly should be able to keep up with reviewing school progress etc.. in his waking hours.  i can understand if taking care of some of the administrative stuff may be tough if he isn't awake when places are open.. and maybe you can assist there.

I think you need to discuss the fact that when you go back to work the main responsibility for his kids will need to shift back to him.  Obviously you will help to the extent you can and it's needed but that you feel it will need to be more of a team effort than it is now.  It also may mean a revisit of visitation too.  BM may need to take more time with them.. but that may impact CS finances.. so keep it all in mind.

As SM... anything you do is voluntary.. but I do like to keep in mind that a marriage is a partnership and everyone does roles as they are capable.. for me it meant helping with the girls sometimes.. even though they weren't mine.

 

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 10:16am

Helping: Doing things for someone that they are not capable of doing for themselves

Enabling: Doing things for someone that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves.

It sounds to me like you are enabling these parents.  There is no reason that your DH and BM can not be helping these boys with their homework, reading their report cards and things of that nature.  I mean what does your DH do when he sees the boys before school and a few hours after school? He should not be leaving everything up to you because it's easier for him.