Forgive me if this is in the wrong forum and please feel free to correct. I'm new, but I do not have many resources to reach out to and my mother is very biased when it comes to this situation. This is gonna be long because a lot has happened that I need to vent and process, so I'll try to summarize a "TL;DR" paragraph at the end. Most of this is venting. You've been warned.

Let me start by outlining the family scenario. 

I entered a relationship with a man who is still battling through the divorce procedures, at the tail end of all court matters and finalizing financials. I am not married to him but I am very much involved with his family and watch his children (gladly) when he is at work and his mother is unable. He has three boys: the oldest is 12 with a woman he is on neutral terms with, no marriage, and two boys with his recent ex wife, aged 7 and 8. The 7 year old was diagnosed with high functioning autism just a few years ago. He has partial custody of the boys from his recent marriage, so it's week on, week off. Normally it is sunday to sunday, but every once in a while we make accomodations to suit work schedules or otherwise plans between mother and father. When the BM is unable to watch the boys for work or otherwise reason, usually it is my SO's mother who watches the boys, if not us ourselves. That being said, our side (me, my boyfriend the BD, and his parents) are normally in care of the boys. 

I'm not complaining at all about that matter. The boys are great (beside the usual hiccups) but the biggest issue is the lack of consistency in their attitudes. Namely, their disrespectful behavior toward any authority. As an "outsider" it makes it difficult for me to correct them without seeming like I am a tyrant. I am not their mother, I am a fairly new face, and by law I am not even their true step mother, even though I gladly step up to that plate. So far things have been well and fine, we get along amicably until they act up of course, but the 7 year old boy has begun intensely bawling when it comes time to leave the BM's house or the BD's mother's (Meemaw's) house. The 8 year old seems for the most part unphased, usually burying his face in his tablet anyways.

It's really difficult for me saying that anything is anyone's sole fault so I am definitely not going to go there. I am also someone who wants to see both sides before coming up with a decision not based on assumption. However, with what I have witnessed and heard, from many angles, it seems like their father and I are usually the ones who are steadfast in the discipline. We are most definitely merciful, we listen to what the boys want and how they feel as much as we can. But we do not reward tantrums, we do not buy the 30 video games they ask for in a 3 hour period, and since I have been living under this roof and watching his children I personally have been successful in transforming their "GIVE ME JUICE" from 2 rooms over to "can I please have some juice?", so successful that they manage to be polite at least 70% of the time no matter whose house they are in. No spanking has been necessary.

When we are at "Meemaw's" house, as any good hearted grandmother will, we both noticed that with her they normally get away with murder. We try to get her to be a little more solid with her stance on their bad behavior but we get it. Grandmas spoil their grandchildren, we both know that. Beside being able to run around her house scot-free, there's no other perk we see when they are there. But when it comes time to leave her house, the 7 year old throws a tantrum.

When it comes to their mother, we have noticed there seems to be a shortage in discipline, and I'm not saying that at all to be unfair. The incidents we've seen include having to call their dad: because the 8 year old refused to take a spoonful of benadryl, asking what time I and their grandma (not at all mentioning their dad, just us) put them to bed because they would not go to sleep or wake up when she wanted them to, and having to call us because she was at a dealership and could not get the 7 year old to stop misbehaving. On top of that, she told their father that when they act up, she threatens to call him because "they don't listen to her otherwise". I understand being a single mom is hard because my mother raised me on her own, and I know very well that I was a handful as a child and still am as an adult. But according to their dad (my boyfriend) she has always had trouble with them running over her, and when she is confronted civilly about parenting, immediately shuts down and insists that everything is just fine. On top of this, there have been many occasions in which the boys have left a mess, thrown a tantrum, or demanded things that I or my boyfriend have denied that are met with "well we can do that at mommy's house". When it comes time to leave their mom's house, the past couple weeks we had them the 7 year old has thrown a tantrum.

Let me mention that the boys are usually in good behavior when we have them. In fact, the few weeks (before the last 2) that we had them, their behavior was amazingly exceptional. The 7 year old was an angel at home, no problems at school, always asking his mom when he was going to see his dad. The 8 year old enjoys talking back and taking snacks out of the cupboard, but after being corrected usually goes on a streak of being fine. They go to bed at 8:30 or 9pm every night, no tablets, just netflix on they are normally knocked out within an hour and wake up just fine in the morning. The 8 year old has been getting failing grades but I can't figure out for the life of me why other than he is having trouble finding interest and is easily distracted by the smallest thing when it comes time for homework. The 7 year old went from having reports of throwing chairs and punching his teachers to nothing but praises for a good month and a half; this past week his mother had him he was sent home one day with a report that he was unruly, threw chairs, punched his teacher, and had to be "restrained" in a sensory room until he complied, losing science priviledges. This week we have them just started so we will see what they come home with now. We've considered the possibility that he might not be getting his medicine regularly at her house after an incident where we received him from his mother and he had a meltdown in walmart, so when we asked if he took his medicine he said his mother did not give him his medicine that day and she confirmed. The weeks that followed (where we were super on par with his medicine schedule and after their father flipped out on her, sure she was too) he was an angel just up until the past 2 weeks. There is absolutely no way to tell for sure if her missing his medicine every once in a while again is the case, she says that he has been taking his medicine regularly and always schedules his doctor's appointments on days and times that the father cannot attend thanks to work.

THE PROBLEM: among other problems, the most recent and important problem is the fact that the 7 year old is having major meltdowns when it comes time to go to "daddy's house", which is severely depressing his father and upsetting his family. As I said, the 8 year old is fine. When it is pick up time the 7 year old begs his mother to stay, tells his father he wants to stay at his mother's, and asks when he's going back when he is here or asks when he's going to Meemaw's. Once he's been under our roof for about 15 minutes he forgets why he was upset and acts just fine. Til he's in trouble, his mom calls, or meemaw shows up. Then it's all over again. When we asked the 8 year old why the 7 year old didn't want to come over, he said [the younger brother] claimed his dad is mean because he gets yelled at. It's not like he's screamed at every time he does something wrong. We have always given him chances. We tell him first, don't do that or you're going to get yelled at. Almost always does it again, then gets sent to his room or yelled at. Never hit. The 8 year old said he's content with the shared households and doesn't think his dad is mean. He gets yelled at more than the 7 year old!! I told the BD he needs to have a sit down with the 7 year old and have a long talk about his "meanness" but he said he has sat down multiple times and the problem is that after 10 seconds of talking he is shut out and his son is distracted by something else. I think he may lack patience (the father) and gets frustrated, and quits. I've sat down with the boy and explained why he's been yelled at many times and received a sullen nod and a "yes I understand" quite a few times, but hey maybe he's just saying what I want to hear too. The only time that we are really "mean" is when he can't go or do something that he wants (even though we always provide a reason, not just "because we said so"), when we ask him to clean up after himself (we don't have chores for them yet, just make sure you clean up wrappers, dirty plates, clean your face etc), or when he intentionally does something mean to his brother and is told to stop. This morning for instance, he took his brother's backpack out of his hands and threw it over the couch, then threw a tantrum and called his dad mean (5x) for being told to pick it back up.

In a normal household, being told you're mean as a parent comes natural when it is time to be the parent and not the friend. But when it comes to co-parenting, it becomes a stress. It doesn't help that the mother is telling them "I'm gonna call your dad if you don't listen to me" because then he looks like the bad guy. He told her that, but her retort was "well they're not listening to me" which is the pattern that has existed for a long time. It also doesn't help that it seems like she may be treating it as a custodial tug-o-war, since on christmas when it came to presents her insult to their father was "really, that's all you got?" in terms of his gifts compared to hers, and on easter treated it like the gift giving was a christmas occasion (we just packed their easter basket with candy and a couple $5 toys, so they didn't confuse the easter bunny with santa while she got them a boat load of toys). When they're at her house with the camera on during a phone conversation, they are always sure to show us all the shiny new toys she got them every week that they use about two times before getting something new. 

BEWARE!! Vent: We don't reciprocate the war. We just take care of them. It's frustrating, regardless, because of the money that is being suckered out of their father even though he and his family (hers are never available for some reason, their fault not hers but still) are the ones who take care of them the most. He pays their health insurance, puts the money on their lunch accounts, paid for their school pictures, was told to fix the one boy's stepped on glasses, and was even expected by her to pay an $8000 personal loan she pulled years ago that had nothing to do with him. Thank god he disputed that, she only agreed to forget about it when Meemaw said she was outraged and would stop watching the boys on BM's week and she'd have to find a babysitter if she continued. I'll also mention that in the divorce agreement he let her take anything she wanted out of the house, even gave her his paid off vehicle and kept the 2016 Jeep (that he hates) he bought for her because she claimed that she can't afford payments, even though she went out and bought a new car shortly after to make payments on, selling him back the paid off vehicle. She took 80% of the kids toys, the bed, almost all the furniture (but a couch and a loveseat), even wanted to take the shelves out of the kitchen but she couldn't get them off the wall. Went out and bought a $800 smart TV and then complained about not taking the washer and dryer with her. Left the house an ABSOLUTE WRECK. The only condition was shared parenting. She still claims he took everything from her. She still treats him like he's a piece of shit, tells him she hates him, and then complains to him that their clothes are going to cost an entire month's worth of child support because she doesn't have the money at hand. And then a day later goes out and buys 4 brand new tires (and possibly special ordered rims, TBC) for the brand new car she only got 2 months ago. And then two days later gets her electric shut off for "nonpayment". And then when confronted about the brand new tires after complaining about money troubles, says it's "none of his business" and "happens to have a lot of money in the bank account". Whatever. It doesn't matter, I'm just venting.

Your TL;DR: 2 boys between my boyfriend and his ex wife. Younger boy has high functioning autism, verbal but doesn't comprehend certain things as fully as most 7 year olds will. Screams and cries when it comes to his dad's turn to pick him up because his dad is "mean" I.E. when the boy is acting up and asked to behave or wants something and is told no. Is very loosely disciplined at his grandma's, possibly at his mother's house as well. Always asking to be with his mother or grandma, severely depressing his father. His father is always treated as the bad guy, like being told "I'm gonna call your dad if you don't listen" by the BM. He has confronted the BM before about feeling treated like a bad guy with no changes. He and ex wife absolutely do not get along and have difficulty finding common ground. When criticized or given advice she shuts or talks back, which results in the father being frustrated and turning it into an argument. When the 7 year old is confronted about his behavior, he shuts down and/or throws a tantrum, resorting to calling his father mean. Further details included in the novel.

I feel like it's very possible that I am being unfair. I'm new to this, and I'm open to constructive criticism. If you need me to fill in the blanks with info that seems missing out if it means helping me, I gladly will without any super personal information. I am the oldest sibling out of 4 from my mother, and my mother (bless her soul) wasn't exactly the most attentive and nurturing, so I raised at least my 2 younger brothers from diaper explosions and 2am crib fits to helping them get their driving permits. I have no problem with kids and raising them. But it just seems like to me that we are battling with this woman who wants to let her kids go wild so that when they come to our house it's a culture shock and we are the assholes for telling them there are rules. We don't even ask them to do chores! Just clean up after themselves. Be respectful. And no we aren't buying everything under the sun. I feel like their father is getting the short end of the stick.

Just trying to find out if there are other people who have been involved in a similar or same situation and can provide some advice on coping and resolving the issues at hand. I'm afraid that if things continue the way they do, it will cause a long lasting if not permanent feeling of distaste with the 7 year old toward his father and I. I don't want him to always feel like "well at mommy's house I can do this, but daddy's house is no fair" and cut his dad out of the equation. He really cares about his boys. You can tell. It hurts him real deeply. And it is not at all helping the relationship between him and his ex wife, at this point I just want them to be able to have a conversation without one of them getting ruffled. It's not like I can sit them down and be the mediator because A. I'm not a professional and B. she won't even look me in the eye. So all I can do is try to mediate from my sideline. By all means, if you have criticism for the dad I'd relay the message too. Can't help on the mother's side. But he is just trying to make it all work, both of us are.