I feel for those of you that deal with unsupportive DH/SOs... I am grateful that my DH is very supportive of me and how I am with his kids. Dont get me wrong, he does not always agree with every decision I make or consequence given or what have you but we always talk it out--away from the children. We are both very young and that may have something to do with it... that and I have never treated him the way that BM did during their relationship. I told him in the beginning that I am the type of person that needs to talk things out, I dont like to go to bed angry and we must be on the same page about everything--especially when it comes to the kids. He also knows that I wont take any od the nonsense and would rather leave than make myself unhappy to make him happy. He also loves me more than anything and is smart enough not to do anything to mess up the wonderful relationship that we have. He does defend me to MIL and BM and I appreciate it so much.

I wish you all had men as wonderful as mine... but he isnt perfect. We do disagree but I think the fact that we discuss everything makes a HUGE difference in how it could be. I just hope and pray it stays this way...

There are mature men out there who will support you. Maybe you just need to find that new man or let your current one know what is and is not acceptable and stand up for yourself... jmo

First of all, the courts favour the PASinator BMs. So there is a very real danger of "losing" the children to the evil machinations of the BM.

Second of all, I'm convinced that b/c the BM holds so much power, the biodad feels that he has no other choice than to play guilty/disney dad to his own children.

Blood is thicker than water.

The dirty little secret is, the more the biodad "goes along" with the BM, the more it emboldens her to push the PAS envelope even farther and it literally speeds up the process of biodad losing his children through PAS.

Truly there needs to be a change in family law and the "Old BM System" courts. PAS needs to be fully prosecuted as the child abuse that it is.

I asked my dh just this last night as he was trying to convince me to give "approval" for him to fork over extra money for ss13 to play all star baseball. SS's school perfomance is atrocious and his behavior is atrocious. My dh has said before that academics, behavior are the priority then extras. He said it to me just a few months ago-he told this to bm last summer-he has always told his to our kids that make a's and b's. yet he was somehow trying ot justify why we should not only give approval for ss to play but also to give money above cs for him to play.

I asked him why it was that he doesnt hold the same standards for ss as he does the other kids-why does he always want to give in? He didnt even answer me-so I asked again. He said IDK. I asked again-then he finally gave me some excuse that he was poor growing up and he feels ss is growing up as he did. What a bunch of bs! It has always been like this with ss even all the years he lived with us and had the same environment as the rest of the children. Secondly, he seriously overexaggerates the conditions ss lives in. My dh grew up with dollar general store clothes or donated things, moving around from the inner city to homes with no plumbing, etc. SS has no issues like that-he lives in an old respectable neighborhood. They rent an old house that has been broken up into apartments. It has all utilities, facilities, etc. SS has clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch and from Walmart and from everywhere in between. He has plenty of food, he has video games, skateboards, bicycles, and all sorts of items to play with. He has 100.00 pair of tennis shoes-but he feels he has to feel sorry for ss because he is so "disadvantaged". Ugh.

Truly I dont think this is really it. I think he feels sorry for his kid because he's a loser. I know that sounds harsh-but truthfully everything you might want your kid to be-this kid is NOT. And I think inside my dh gave up on him a long time ago. So dh does not concern himself with actually making change with ss or teaching him proper behaviors, morals, or values but rather appeasing him and avoiding major blowups. I also think dh has no real clue how to parent nor no real confidence in his ability to parent. His own dad was in his life, but honestly was off smoking pot with his buddies for the majority of his childhood. My dh doesnt do this-he sees himself as better than his father-so that must be good enough. But other than attending the kids events, providing for them, and occassionally hanging out with them and playing with them I think he has no clue. I never really noticed it before because I am always doing the major "parenting" in the home with the other kids. And then he does his thing with them. Works out "ok" in our house, but with bm is the same sort of parent as dh. She just appeases ss, teaches him nothing, and is not real interested in any major tasks of parenting. So ss gets this from noone.

So in my long winded analysis I think my dh is this way because 1)he does feel sorry for his kid because he's a loser 2)he has no clue how to actually go about parenting him so he just doesnt. Sadly, IMO this kid is a loser because of the way he has been non parented. They created the mess and dont know what to do with it.

Yes, I have noticed that constant theme and although it’s a shame, I’m glad I’m not in that boat alone!
Besides all the usual Disney dad parenting that goes on, I have another theory as well. I’m in my mid-50s as are my current and former husband. They have some similarities in their perception of the roles that women and men have as parents, I think. Both of them think that if they provide, they’ve done their jobs as fathers. The rest is up to the women. And there seems to be as least some truth to that. With people of my generation, it seems that the women, either bio or step, are the ones consdiered responsible for teaching manners, sitting down with homework, cooking and cleaning for the kids, ferrying them all over to events, etc. I truly belive that many of these fathers JUST DON’T GET IT.
My DH caves on almost everything to avoid conflict with his kids, SS35 and SD33, because he doesn’t really know how to parent. He provided. And provided well, while they were growing up. But that’s all he knows how to do. So it continues with no end in sight! I’ve NEVER heard him have a real conversation with either of them. So in turn, all they know how to do is ask him for money. Cause that’s his JOB now, don’t you now?
My SS actually told me that he started seeing a councilor for his “abandonment” issues! OMG! Give me a break. When I said, “what abandonment issues, didn’t you live with your dad after your partents split up?” his response was, “Yeah, but dad worked alot.” As a woman who was actually abandoned by both my parents at 10-months, I found this a little offensive.
But I digress!  I guess my point is that as women, it’s tough to get our DH to overcome a lifetime of bad parenting because that’s the only way some of them know how to do it.

I have a number of problems, but my DH never lets his bio kids walk on me. In fact, he is adament about them treating us both with respect. The thing that bugs me is that he is a fairly absent parent and he gets angry at me for stuff that I have nothing to do with. The biggest issue with the skids is that they have lingering issues because of the divorce and BM babies the youngest. So, the SS10 thinks his dd and I hate him because we don't give him everything and do everything for him.

I feel like there is another theme that combats this, and it is when DHs get to acceptance. Accept the fact that nothing will change, accept the fact that they are running a losing battle. And accept that no amount of trying will adjust skid behavior towards those they are PAS'd against. 

Until that point, they are still trying. And pushing. And ignoring. And blaming. And deflecting. 

For years my SO would argue, often times with me. Pull all the above. Then one day he said 'I'm done'. He was done fighting the unchangeable.

Recently, during a normal conversation, SO said to me, its nice to see you have relaxed and things got better. Ha you silly SO, I said, YOU finally recognized and I disengaged. That was the turning point. Reality. 

Until reality sets in, I think this will always be a common theme. Some make it past with an intact relationship better for it and some don't. 

If they dont acquiesce to the BM and skids then they lose the skids. That's how it worked for my DH with his daughter anyway. He had to choose. Not me saying choose, but the SD. 'me or her' she said and he chose his wife so now she won't speak to him unless she wants to scream some BM filled mantra down the phone at him.

Maybe it's us...what I mean is, maybe there is a whole host of SMs out there who attracted and were attracted to another kind of man - maybe the stern, demanding father who puts himself first (maybe that's why he's divorced) and told his kids to pound sand if they didn't like what he's doing (no matter what it is).

I wouldn't have married a man who divorced and had nothing to do with his kid. I wouldn't have married a man who tells me where to go, what to wear, demands the house be clean, etc. I wanted a gentle, empathetic soul, someone who takes responsibility and feels guilt when he should. But that seems to be a fine line -- maybe this is what happens to that type of man when he's divorced with kids.

I'm suggesting that certain types attract certain types. And also I'm suggesting the very thing that attracted me to my husband also has a downside -- he won't bully me, but he also stand up to a demanding SD and ex.

Spot on! I was partly attracted to the X because he was clearly a family man and enjoyed the company of my family too- but the old post from Stepgin was also right when she put that SOs and DHs have just been providers- they see their role as someone who puts their hands in their pockets and spreads largesse- the SM has to do the awkward stuff like saying no. It is what the X expected from me.

Our relationship took a major downhill turn when we took his grandkids away for the weekend- he seemed to think his only role was to buy them stuff- I seemed to get left with the showering, dressing, sun cream and sun hats, making sure they drank water kind of role and it pissed me off.  He was oblivious to everything, even bought them a beach toy on a red flag day and watched them almost go too far to get it back. I should have confronted him about it then, instead I let it slide but it came back to bite me on the bum!

There are various forms of bullying though, and withdawing affection and maintaining a frosty silence for months on end is really worse than the physical abuse I got from my first husband. Silence can be the most hurtful weapon of all.

Yes. I have noticed the common theme is the bio parents always defend their kids'  behavior even if they are being rude, disrespectful, disgusting, controlling, lazy, manipulative, snooty, etc. It does not matter. Their kids will never be wrong and will always be viewed as innocent no matter what they do, how many times they have been told not to do it and at what age they do continue to do these things. I always find another common theme is these parents make poor fiancial decisions and choices yet expect someone who is not related to their kids who has made good choices to bail them out. Beware.

I think most women want to see an involved father. Unfortunately, many exes insist on controlling the ex husband and use the kids as the pawns to do that. When the men are tired of the disrespect, the skids are then PAS'd. My DH use to bow down to BM out of fear of not seeing his kids again. Our relationship was very rocky for years and I kicked DH out many times over the crazy BM. I can't marry someone that is only going to be half a partner. I'm sorry but for me, it needs to be me and my husband against the world. I need a true partner, not someone that is going to disappear on holidays "for the kids" or go running to skids when another woman snaps her fingers. I was upfront with DH about my expectations and let him know, if he truly needed to put skids every whim and desires ahead of me and our relationship then he needed to take a walk cause I deserved better.

     I can't think of anything more depressing than a man constantly running off to another family. I didn't do that  to DH and when I flipped his behaviors into a scenario of me doing that to him, he repeatedly stated he wouldn't like it either. DH only became DH because he stopped that nonsense. Sorry but when divorce happens, the ex is no longer a priority at all. And unfortunately, the prior family is no longer priority. If both parents still wanted that family to be first priority then they both should have been less selfish and stayed in their partnership. I don't think it is right for a man to promise marriage, forever, putting the spouse first, that is until skids and BM come calling. Nope, these idiots need to be honest to women and tell them their intentions outright. You intend to leave your wife for every graduation, wedding, holiday, whim of skids and BM? Great, tell your partner upfront she is going to be alone every christmas and that you are going to spend every cent of extra money on your children and their BM. Just be upfront about it so a woman can honestly choose if she wants to live in that hell. Men often try to keep everyone happy and often think it is easier to piss their current partner off than to piss skids and BM off. I won't put up with that from a man. I think men will dish out as much as a woman can take. Lack of power, guilt and the threat of PAS are definitely huge reasons they do this.

   Skids are now PAS'd here so I haven't had to deal with their bratty, self centered selves or their crazy (certified) BM that constantly tried to use skids to gain power over DH. DH never wanted kids with the fat cow (poor decisions while alcohol dependent, BM also confessed into tricking DH into having a child with her) and can't stand the woman. Skids are clones of her, and already in counseling for the genetic mental issues all the females in BM's family have. Of course DH is dissapointed, has trouble bonding with clones of a woman he can't stand, is tired of how skids treat him like a servant and ATM and tired of dealing with a nutjob trying to control him. Sad for skids that BM's crazy pushed their father out of their lives? Sure, I guess. I think it is sad that she had children for a man that didn't even want a relationship with her and married her out of obligation. In BM's and skids minds, if someone isn't up BM's butt and not treating them like the center of the universe then they are the enemy. ::shrug:: The rest of the world isn't gong to treat BM and skids like that, reality is going to hit them hard one day. 

I agree with you about ultimatums. Why would you do that to someone you love? But you are 100% correct about our partners! Why do so many of them suck at parenting? Wonder if they were as bad at being parents, before being divorced?