@ futrobrillante99 I didn’t actually pay with my “own” money but he paid with “our” money. But I would definitely like to give the bill to that ungrateful SD, or the exwife.
@ Daizyduke yes he is VERY naive and defensive and NEVER questions the SD motives, she is a lil angel in his eyes. And yes, he would go (reluctantly) without me. He actually told me, I could make the 8hr drive to her college, wait in the hotel room or out in the car during the ceremony, then join them for the celebration dinner!!! *shok*
Does he really think you would be more welcome at the celebratory dinner than you are at the ceremony itself? If he thinks that, he is truly delusional. But graduations are usually boring as can be, so I'd be happy to not attend that part.
The problem is your DH not exwife or SD. You can expect the crappy behaviour from them but the fact that DH is trying to ride the backs of two horses is what is causing the turmoil.
@ thinkthrice, I couldn’t agree with you more!!! We have a marriage counseling appointment next week for that very reason. Do you have any other suggestions?
Have you told your husband that what troubles you most is NOT that the kids are excluding you and disrespectful to you, but that HE is allowing it without standing up for you?
Harry, I agree with you and that is probably what I’m going to do. I don’t want to go to the graduation, they are boring, however I feel like me complying with their wishes is a HUGE statement of them excluding me and sets the stage of more exclusions to come in the future.
I would give them their wish and more or their selfish wishes -- to come. You are only included to make a point that you can be excluded by them;because they are who they are and you are disposable to them. I would attend nothng in the future, including any part of graduation now.
Game over...don't bite their rotten bait...disengage and let it be years before they ever see you again...no problem, you are giving them what they asked for... You become in control of what you do, what you attend and now YOU choose exclusion... Sit back and enjoy your peace and freedom.
It is a validation you can use at counselling... "My husband used our mutual funds to pay for his daughters tertiary education. At the end of the day I was told there wasn't enough tickets and I feel slighted and ignored my my husband because he failed to make an effort to stand up for me to his ex and children. I am tired of being option C or D in his life. This last weekend was the last straw in a huge haybale of issues. He basically kisses their arses while I sit and wait for whatever is left over.....
I would divide your money up so he cannot use your money to pay for his adult offsprings emotional blackmail and bribery career. I would tell him his offspring (because they are no longer children) don't HAVE to like you but they can start being polite and civil. And racing around after them only emtionally tethers them to him and he fails to allow his offsring the chance to fly and make their own way in the world. Or something PC like that.
@ oneoffour I think the money part was not made clear on my part. DH is ten years older than me and he earns far more money than I do, however I work as an RN part time so I’m home to do all the things a full time house wife does. and he doesn’t have to lift a finger, I take care of everything. Essentially DH funded the extravagant college education (with a four month tour of Europe). However since we are married I feel like “we” funded the education. The wicked selfish ex wife did NOT contribute a dime.
Firstly, that extra ticket thing. I understand, because it happened to me at the eldests high school graduation last year. She CLAIMED no extra tickets, and invited her parents, younger sister and 2 cousins and 2 aunties. My SO stood up for me (as yours should you) and said clearly and definitely that he WOULD NOT attend (and she would get no money or further support) if I were not able to attend either. One auntie offered to give me her ticket, but lo suddenly there was an extra ticket JUST FOR ME. LOL. I was hoping to get out of it. WE sat for 4 hours on hard benches in the blistering sun. Did I get a thank you for attentding by the spoiled bratola? Heck to the no. But I was there in support of SO. So I get it, really.
What would I do if SO had NOT supported me? Had an enjoyable time doing my own thing without him, or them or anyone of his family. It definitely would have been a MUCH more pleasant day. Now she is completely on her own, and paying her own way, so it is not an issue right now about how she feels about me. It definitely WOULD be an issue if our joint marital assets would have been spent on an ungrateful brat who graduated because of the said assets. However, it really would be a non-issue because SO would simply not go if I was not going, and would discontinue any additional support or monies, period. Your DH catering to this behavior is the biggest problem you have, everything, and I mean everything stems from this.
Thank you for sharing your story it feels comforting to know that I’m not alone and that other people have gone through similar experiences. I agree with you that DH should step up to the plate and protect me and his marriage. I think that probably hurt me the most about this entire situation.
Unless the ex lashed out directly to you about you first, it was a stupid, undignified move sending a nasty text to the ex calling her a loser! You gave the skids the ammunition to justify excluding you. Of course his kids don't want you around her! They don't want you making a scene in person like you did in that text! I'm a little surprised you don't see this on your own.
Look, even if the woman is a shrew, you have to expect the kids to naturally side with her against a step and restrain yourself from showing them any aggression on your part. You deal with your husband and let HIM deal with his ex! If he's not doing it right, you have a problem, but it's not a problem that will be solved by you acting like you're on the Jerry Springer Show.
It's a dumb move to ever engage with his ex and really stupid to put it in writing. You got your licks in and now you'll have to live with the fallout. You did yourself in on this one.
It was the first and last time I ever defended my husband and I. yes, she hurled direct insults to me FIRST!. I regretfully lowered myself to her level which is why I sent an apology directly afterwards.
Comments
ungrateful SD
@ futrobrillante99 I didn’t actually pay with my “own” money but he paid with “our” money. But I would definitely like to give the bill to that ungrateful SD, or the exwife.
Is your DH THAT obtuse that
Is your DH THAT obtuse that he thinks if he tells SD to "try and find another ticket" that she will do so?? lol
Will he go without you??
@ Daizyduke yes he is VERY
@ Daizyduke yes he is VERY naive and defensive and NEVER questions the SD motives, she is a lil angel in his eyes. And yes, he would go (reluctantly) without me. He actually told me, I could make the 8hr drive to her college, wait in the hotel room or out in the car during the ceremony, then join them for the celebration dinner!!! *shok*
Does he really think you
Does he really think you would be more welcome at the celebratory dinner than you are at the ceremony itself? If he thinks that, he is truly delusional. But graduations are usually boring as can be, so I'd be happy to not attend that part.
Once Again
The problem is your DH not exwife or SD. You can expect the crappy behaviour from them but the fact that DH is trying to ride the backs of two horses is what is causing the turmoil.
100% Agree
@ thinkthrice, I couldn’t agree with you more!!! We have a marriage counseling appointment next week for that very reason. Do you have any other suggestions?
Have you told your husband
Have you told your husband that what troubles you most is NOT that the kids are excluding you and disrespectful to you, but that HE is allowing it without standing up for you?
Yes, ndc I have told him and
Yes, ndc I have told him and he says he is trying his best “to convince them”, that I’m not a bad person.
I would
go just to blow up there little HAPPY family deal. No you will not be welcome, but that the point.
Harry, I agree with you and
Harry, I agree with you and that is probably what I’m going to do. I don’t want to go to the graduation, they are boring, however I feel like me complying with their wishes is a HUGE statement of them excluding me and sets the stage of more exclusions to come in the future.
I would give them their wish
I would give them their wish and more or their selfish wishes -- to come. You are only included to make a point that you can be excluded by them;because they are who they are and you are disposable to them. I would attend nothng in the future, including any part of graduation now.
Game over...don't bite their rotten bait...disengage and let it be years before they ever see you again...no problem, you are giving them what they asked for... You become in control of what you do, what you attend and now YOU choose exclusion... Sit back and enjoy your peace and freedom.
@CANYOUHELP I would love to
@CANYOUHELP I would love to but I worry that would make things worse for DH and I
It isn't complying
It is a validation you can use at counselling... "My husband used our mutual funds to pay for his daughters tertiary education. At the end of the day I was told there wasn't enough tickets and I feel slighted and ignored my my husband because he failed to make an effort to stand up for me to his ex and children. I am tired of being option C or D in his life. This last weekend was the last straw in a huge haybale of issues. He basically kisses their arses while I sit and wait for whatever is left over.....
I would divide your money up so he cannot use your money to pay for his adult offsprings emotional blackmail and bribery career. I would tell him his offspring (because they are no longer children) don't HAVE to like you but they can start being polite and civil. And racing around after them only emtionally tethers them to him and he fails to allow his offsring the chance to fly and make their own way in the world. Or something PC like that.
You make a good point
@ oneoffour I think the money part was not made clear on my part. DH is ten years older than me and he earns far more money than I do, however I work as an RN part time so I’m home to do all the things a full time house wife does. and he doesn’t have to lift a finger, I take care of everything. Essentially DH funded the extravagant college education (with a four month tour of Europe). However since we are married I feel like “we” funded the education. The wicked selfish ex wife did NOT contribute a dime.
Ticket, smicket
Firstly, that extra ticket thing. I understand, because it happened to me at the eldests high school graduation last year. She CLAIMED no extra tickets, and invited her parents, younger sister and 2 cousins and 2 aunties. My SO stood up for me (as yours should you) and said clearly and definitely that he WOULD NOT attend (and she would get no money or further support) if I were not able to attend either. One auntie offered to give me her ticket, but lo suddenly there was an extra ticket JUST FOR ME. LOL. I was hoping to get out of it. WE sat for 4 hours on hard benches in the blistering sun. Did I get a thank you for attentding by the spoiled bratola? Heck to the no. But I was there in support of SO. So I get it, really.
What would I do if SO had NOT supported me? Had an enjoyable time doing my own thing without him, or them or anyone of his family. It definitely would have been a MUCH more pleasant day. Now she is completely on her own, and paying her own way, so it is not an issue right now about how she feels about me. It definitely WOULD be an issue if our joint marital assets would have been spent on an ungrateful brat who graduated because of the said assets. However, it really would be a non-issue because SO would simply not go if I was not going, and would discontinue any additional support or monies, period. Your DH catering to this behavior is the biggest problem you have, everything, and I mean everything stems from this.
Good luck!
Thank you for sharing your
Thank you for sharing your story it feels comforting to know that I’m not alone and that other people have gone through similar experiences. I agree with you that DH should step up to the plate and protect me and his marriage. I think that probably hurt me the most about this entire situation.
You did yourself in on this one.
I'm going to dissent from the crowd.
Unless the ex lashed out directly to you about you first, it was a stupid, undignified move sending a nasty text to the ex calling her a loser! You gave the skids the ammunition to justify excluding you. Of course his kids don't want you around her! They don't want you making a scene in person like you did in that text! I'm a little surprised you don't see this on your own.
Look, even if the woman is a shrew, you have to expect the kids to naturally side with her against a step and restrain yourself from showing them any aggression on your part. You deal with your husband and let HIM deal with his ex! If he's not doing it right, you have a problem, but it's not a problem that will be solved by you acting like you're on the Jerry Springer Show.
It's a dumb move to ever engage with his ex and really stupid to put it in writing. You got your licks in and now you'll have to live with the fallout. You did yourself in on this one.
Mostly agree
It was the first and last time I ever defended my husband and I. yes, she hurled direct insults to me FIRST!. I regretfully lowered myself to her level which is why I sent an apology directly afterwards.