This is a mess you will need to have a lot of patience and strength to deal with.

Mr 9 has had his mother in and out of his life for most of his life. And now this other woman comes in when he 'knows' his mother could come back again at any time and you will be there and YOU will prevent her from being a family with them again. He argues to show he knows stuff and because no one shuts him down. Dad should tell him to knock it off and keep his mouth shut until dinner is over. Then Dad has a talk to Mr 9 one on one to point out real men do not answer back and what is the right time to talk about it. I would not be getting into an argument at the dinner table over something trivial. This is a show of strength for you and SO. See, this is what happens when people move in and out of a childs life. My grand daughter never knew her parents living together but for a year or so she craved it. Then her mother married her stepfather when she was 4. Fast forward 6 yrs and he got some chick at work pregnant and walked away. So my grand daughter doesn't have any male role models apart from her uncle and her grandfather. She has become rather chavelier about men. She says she will never marry because men cause problems (except for Grandpa and she can't marry him because he is too old - and married to her grandmother!).

So maybe this is where some of Mr 8s attitude is coming from.

As for the furniture, yeah I may wait until you get a place that is 'ours'. The kids will not want a thing changed. My SSons were like that about a freaking apartment! I moved a chair and got the 3rd degree until DH shut them down.

Remember, they are the 3 Musketeers. Just the guys. And now you are moving in and they will not like the disruption one bit. I woul wait until things calm down and SO gets a handle on his sons anger and frustrations at these adults who think they know what is best for him and all they do is eventually move on again so who the h3ll cares what they think.

To be honest, after reading your blog, I really don't think moving in right now is wise. You have a very high set of expectations for these boys. I can tell you that some of your rules will most certainly be ignored. First of all, the idea that the kids wont follow your outside. If one of the boys is already shadowing you, it will probably continue. My SD follows me around endlessly and she is almost a teenager.  Also, these kids have gotten used to the way your SO does things. They will not welcome an intruder changing the rules so you can probably expect the bad behaviors to get worse. Unless your SO is going to back you 100%, you will probably have to deal with some disappointments, meaning that you may find your rules difficult to impose. Even if your SO does back you up, you will probably have an uphill battle. These kids are old enough that they have gotten used to the way things are. They won't welcome change from someone they see as an intruder. My advice is to think long and hard anout moving in. Can you handle the kids and their behaviors 24/7 ? Are you willing to bend during what may be a difficult transition? Just remember it will be harder to disentagle yourself once you move in.

If you think three teenage boys are going to be following a new rule of rinsing cereal bowls out each morning, much less follow any other new rules, even the most common sense ones, you are already set up for disappointment and frustration.

I agree with waiting to move in, and keeping your own place as a back up.  You’ll need the patience of a saint in this situation.

Ok, I was in your spot almost exactly, and I had almost the same exact feelings/concerns you do. It's a huge change, especially when it's a single dad who does things his own way, and the kids don't have many rules. But, it is now 2 years later, and I will tell you how it went for me.

When I first moved in with my SO and his 2 kids (now 9F and 12M), there were no rules. NO RULES. I had been living alone for 10 years and was pretty set in my ways. It was almost unbearable. No one rinsed dishes, stuff was left all over the house, no chores, no one picked up after themselves. To say I was frustrated was an understatement. Honestly, the list of things you want to change is almost identical to what my list was. However, I would suggest you pick several rules from that list that are the most important to you, and implement those first. And this needs to come from your SO, not you, or you will be looked at as the enemy by those kids. Let them get used to the first few rules, and then a few months later, have your SO introduce a few new rules. It doesn't necessarily have to be a big sitdown conversation; Sometimes behaviors would come up (the kids not rinsing their dishes, right in front of us), and we would both say, Ok guys, from now on you need to rinse your dishes out, this is silly. And just like that, a rule was born. But my SO had to be on board with me (this was not always the case, and it took arguments, but we got there). It took a month or so for it to become habit and for me or him to not have to nag them to rinse dishes, but now it is habit and they almost always do it.

Although chores was my biggest issue, we didn't actually implement the chore chart for a year, and when we did, both myself and my SO presented it. We discussed the need for everyone in the house to contribute. Now it is second nature, and my SO is often the one to remind them, so I'm not the one always nagging.

Also, the dining room in our house was the toy room. So the kids literally were taking up every room in the house, leaving me nowhere to go, and i NEEDED space. We moved the toys to the kids room, but I still don't have anywhere to go. If you can make a spot for you, I say do it! You need that space, period.

I made a drawer in the fridge that is MY drawer. I keep all the stuff in there that I don't want the kids to eat, and they know they are not to go in there. That one wasn't really a big deal, they don't really dig around in fridge drawers anyway, If it's not in plain sight, it's like it's not there. But, for other food, kids don't usually look into a box that is uninteresting...so I put things up high, in boxes that look boring. Put your PB in a plain box or something like that, they won't even look at it and it shouldn't be a problem.

We immediately put a "no knocking on the bedroom door in the morning unless it's an actual emergency where someone is dying or the house is on fire" rule into place, and that one isn't a huge thing for them, so I would just do that right away.

In a nutshell, it is HARD. Really hard. And my SO's kids welcomed me and didn't give me 'tude. I still struggle and there are days I question if I can do this forever. I do feel it would be easier if i had a place to go to get "me time", which is why I really want to buy a house (we rent a house, and it has no extra space). Some of the things I listed above were dealbreakers; I'm not going to clean up after kids who are old enough to help out around the house and clean up after themselves. If we hadn't done the chore chart, etc, I don't know if I'd still be here. I honestly don't think I'd do this again (moving in with a single dad who has majority custody of his kids). But I did, and it is better than when I moved in, now that we have a lot of these things addressed. I will warn you that it takes time, and lots of nagging. But somehow the kids still like me, and we have a good relationship.

Your SO NEEDS to put the kabosh on the attitude from the older one and tell him that he needs to respect you. If I had that from one of my SO's kids, that might have been too much. This is going to be really hard for you the way it is.

It's all about balance: Make sure you do enough good things for them and with them to counteract the nagging/rules. I also explain that we don't have these rules to be mean or hard on them...we're trying to do the right thing for them to make sure they grow up to be responsible. And make sure your SO backs you up! Make sure you've had this convo before you move in (I didn't, and he was reluctant to do some of this stuff...so more fights happened that could have been prevented). If he doesn't, I really think it will be too hard for you to deal with this all by yourself.

Good luck!

I moved in with my SO last year. We bought the house together and both our names are on the mortgage and the title. For the type of house we both wanted and were looking for he could not afford everything with just him and vice versa. So i insisted if I am paying towards a mortgage, I am on everything. We agreed and it was easy. Once you are married, if something happens to him you should automatically get the house, unless it was stated otherwise in some will or when he signed the paper he set it up fr it to go to his next of kin. To be safe still get your name on everything.

As for setting rules and all that stuff and chores for this kids. Ummmmmmm yeah you need to work on one thing at a time. We tried and allowance system in our house at first, yeah no go SS just is not motivated by money because well he was spoiled and just is the type that does not have a want for much. I started one thing at a time. First it was scoop dog poop once a week, now he has to clean the bathroom. He is easy I say you need to do your chores and he usually does them. After that was rinse the plate after dinner and put in the dishwasher. What I am recommending here is do one thing at a time, once they are in the routine work on the next. This way they are not overwhelmed and do not see it as you being controlling.

Remember they are young boys they are going to make mistakes, spill things, be messy often, they are at an age where they are starting to make connections with things. This past year I have seen SS go from this sweet little spoiled boy who is growing into a young man. He has opinions on what he likes and does not like. He is more vocal about it, he is starting to care more and more about his friends and what they do and think. You skids will be the same as well. They are both at ages where kiddy things are starting to lose interest, toys become less important and video games and electronics and marvel movies are winning.

You need to keep an open mind through all of this and not be so set on this is how it will be, and I will have my room, and he will do that. Remember this is all new to all of you. If you do not get a room right away because hey lets face it life get in the way and projects get put off, will you be ok with that?

The knocking thing next time they come in make them go back out do this till it sticks. My SO and I do not have this problem as we sleep with the door wide open. SS can just walk in when he gets up, but if the door is shut he has to knock.

Be patient, have an open mind, and take a night here and there to go out with friends, also you and SO need date nights too. Best of luck.

Why are you moving in before marrying? A wedding ceremony might be good for the kids to witness so that it signals a different status for you in their lives. And waiting will give you more time to get all three of them trained.

Look at moving in/marrying as a business deal. The more you negotiate terms now with SO, the better the outcome will be. Be honest about your expectations. Don't be afraid to tell him the things you foresee as problematic -- why wait until you're crammed in together to address things you already know will bug you? He can start working on those issues now while you're not there so it won't appear that you're the bad guy moving in and changing everything. And it would be better to know now if your SO thinks your expectations are unrealistic or out of line with his parenting style.

The new house will be good for the situation, but the new rules should be implemented ASAP so you all start fresh in the new house. Where you can, reinforce the rules in other ways, for example: 

Don't waste time telling them to knock -- lock the door so they MUST knock. That will train them better than repeatedly nagging them about it. It also signals the space is off limits to them, even when you're not in it. Put a recycling bin outside for water bottles -- as soon as you see an empty bottle, tell them it goes in the can. Or better -- stop buying bottled water. They will be more inclined to bring back a cup than leaving an empty bottle where it doesn't belong. This training will help them pickup their dinner dishes and take them to the sink after dinner too. It's a constant reinforcement that once they've consumed it, there's another step before they're finished.

To be honest, though, I'm not sure you're prepared to live with kids. Some of the things you mind (running in and out for toys, kids eating food in the fridge) are just the price you pay for living with other people, especially kids. If you don't want your food eaten or the messy ways of kids, you might want to keep things as they are now. Even the best trained kids are disgusting and you can only nag them so much before they shut you off. I'd think long and hard before you do this. There's nothing wrong with hating how kids behave...unless you knowingly move in with them and expect miracles.