believe that SS should pay all of his bills since he has graduated from college, has a job, and lives on his own with the GF. My kids, both bio and step, will be paying their own cell phone bills and car insurance at 16; it's our house rule. My SD will be 16 in less than one month and she has 3 months to find a job and start paying. Good luck!

I am on the fence with this one... in 1-2 years will SS (if he continues to work and do well) be making substantially more money? What if you weaned him into these expenses. Maybe have him pay the cell phone bill to start - he can pick up a prepay plan for like $35/month if he needs to. Then tell him that by next ____ whatever month your policy renews he needs to go ahead and do his auto insurance in his name. 

Um, he should have started paying for his crap about 7 years ago. I moved out when I was 19 and was responsible for all my own bills since at least 16. I never had assistance from anyone else, and never would have expected it. Assuming I don't strangle my SO before then, we have already discussed that skids will have jobs and I plan on making them pay for their own stuff by 18 at the latest, but feel they should pay their own Insurance when they start driving. I wouldn't be the one actually paying their bills, SO would, but the f*ck if we should have to pay for that, when they are capable and that's money we could be using for traveling, etc.

At the very least, your SS should be giving you money for the bills. He is probably over there just counting his lucky stars that someone is paying for his crap, praying no one realizes it's total BS.....

In my state, insurance companies will not insure an adult from another household on my policy.

believer in adults paying their own bills.  I understand that these days, I'm usually in the minority.  But really, at 23 years old, it's time for him to piss or get off the pot, so to speak. 

Depending on how long ago he graduated college, I'd personally just make the decision on when to wean him off the financial tit.  If he just graduated last month, maybe give him 6 months or so to find his own insurance carrier.  And I also understand the 'rub' of having his bad driving record working against you.  That's a tough one to bear.  The phone bill should be transferred right away, because it shouldn't be THAT much of a burden to him.  Maybe your DH would be okay with having SS pick up half of the bills until they can get transferred?

I was a teeny, tiny bit sympathetic to his situation until you mentioned his Vegas vacation.  Um, no, no way in hades should he be off enjoying vacation while other people are paying for any of his bills.  He may as well scream that he's a user to the world.  It shows that he has no compassion for the very people who are covering his bills.  Maybe when he mentions his vacation, you could mention how great it would be to be able to get away and relax for a while, but you just can't afford it right now.  See if that makes a dent.

But unless these bills are strictly in your own name, you're going to have to get your DH's buy-in on this.  OR, transfer your own cell phone and insurance to your own accounts and leave your DH and SS to their own.

Hmmm... well here's my 2 cents...

Frankly, a 23yo who lives in his own place with a roommate should be paying ALL of his own bills. If you and your DH are willing to help, fine.

Why is your DH unwilling to cut the financial ties?. Does he think that if he does, he'll have less contact?? The fact is, there is NO guarantee that DH will always be able to foot the bill and Disney Dad SS out of potential debt.

If your DH is unwilling to leave SS 100% on his own, he can cut things gradually.

• It's time for SS to be responsible for his own insurance.
• SS can get a CHEAP cell phone plan. Pay-as-you-go.

IMO you have very real reason to be wanting SS off your insurance and the cell plan.

You've already carried him plenty long enough. As he's now living with his GF , these bills are a part of their household reality. Time to make it so. If not now, when? When he's 25? 30? No, time is now and you are correct to talk now before he and his GF commit to a new lease. 

For me, him being "SS" doesn't figure into my line of thought. I would cut off my bio-kids at this age (actually long before 23, I never paid adult children vehicle insurance. I didn't pay their vehicles and I didn't pay for insurance. I'm trying to remember with my boys. I think their vehicle insurance for them got cheaper at 24, but it might have been 25. Yes, if the SS has a lousy driving record it may cost him some pretty high premiums, but it's his record and his responsibility. He is not a child any longer. 

If you must compromise with your DH, Id think about absolutely dropping the cell entirely. Then taking him off your insurance (getting your names off the vehicle itself too and if DH wants to hand his son cash monthly to "help" his son so be it. As long as the cash comes from DH's self wallet extra spending money or trims his own budget he blows on various lunches, coffee, hobby, whatever DH spends on his adult indulges. 

«So at what point should an adult child be paying for their own bills?» Did you ask your DH that question? Does he expect SS to pay his bills ever? When?

For me, an adult who works full-time and lives on his own should be paying all his bills. I really wonder how anyone can justify still using parents' money for living expenses while having a job.

I think your DH is playing the " make my wife feel guilty or second guess things card". I know how you feel about always bringing this up with him. It feels like you are nagging. But really your SS is old enough to be paying his own bills. Don't second guess what you know is right. Plus if SS is moving in with his girlfriend they will split the bills. Time for your DH to cut the cord and let SS be an adult who is responsible for himself.

I'm a HUGE advocate for responsibility. In college I was in charge of my own rent, my own car insurance, my own groceries, student loans, etc. My parents did adminittedly help out with medical insurance and my cell phone, which was hugely appreciated.

However, Once graduated with my bachelors (at 21) I was on my own for everything except medical. The only reason I'm on medical is because I'm below 26 and it doesn't cost them any extra since they already pay the max and my dad's work subsidizes insurance.

I think it's DEFINITLEY time for your DH to have those tough conversations with your SS, he needs to learn responsibility and the realities of all this. If I miss a day without pay, then I wouldn't be able to cover bills and provide for my family, so I don't miss work, your SS needs to learn these realities.

I think that your DH is doing a HUGE disservice to your SS by keeping him on things. An entry level job is no excuse to be irresponsible. My DH doesn't have super realistic ideas of rent because of the military (I LOVE the military, FYI, but he was making more than I am now in there, especially with benefits and yet still came out of that in the negatives, I think having an irresponsible ex didn't help). They subsidized his on base housing and he paid virtually nothing out of pocket, they also covered insurance. So while his ex was hugely irresponsible with money and we're paying on her debt, he doesn't have a realistic view either. He understands that he deosnt' want to be in debt and that all the extra bills cause HUGE issues for our finances, but when we look at housing he thinks we can afford something more expensive that we can. So I bring in the realities of rental costs, utities, etc. (all things I've dealt with before renting in college on my own). Same with insurance, his school required insurance, he ended up with the school insurance, but he was seriously shocked at the price of it ($300 a semester... He still doesn't even understand how cheap that is! LMAO)

If YOur SS doesn't get a reality check he'll be the same, but possibly worse. DH and I pay our own car insurance, cell phone, etc. Whereas your SS really isn't paying much of anything, he needs to learn to live within his means, and if that means not living somewhere more expensive and not missing days of work, then that's what he needs to do. But with your DH shielding him, he's never going to learn the realities and he's only going to financially stretch himself further, the fall is going to be much greater then than it is now.

I say it's time to stop paying for everything for SS, if that was your BS I'd say the exact same thing.

I know many parents will continue to cover various financial items for their kids.  We carried both the SD's on my health insurance policy until the older one got married the same year the younger one got a job that paid her health coverage 100%. (they were 22 and 19 at the time).  It wasn't much more to add them to our policy.. maybe cost of an additional 500-600 a year.  It would have been a LOT more if they had to try to get policies themselves.  Now, both girls paid their own vehicle insurance.. and have been since they were able to drive and had cars.

Phones.. that's another thing.  It's often cheaper to keep them on a family plan than it is to push them off and separate them onto an individual plan.

Now in your situation.. I think at MINIMUM... the boy needs to go about getting his own auto insurance policy.  It is a financial drag on your household.  The phone and triple A may not be as big deals so maybe those could remain status quo.. until perhaps the phone plan is ready to be renewed... then he could start his own.

23 and living on his own... he should understand what his bills are.  He may not like taking on the extra expense... but he should not be mad at your DH because he knows that full well these are his own adult responsibilities.

Perhaps if your DH is feeling superbly generous.. he could help his son for a period to ease him into paying these new costs on his own.  Certainly dad sending him a small stipend would be well outweighed by the savings of getting this kid off of your policy.  It may not cover 100% of the new cost to his son.. but might make the transition less painful for him... if your DH can afford to do this.

SS does not live with you. He doesn't live in the same state. You own the car. You pay the insurance.

Gift him the car. Then he has to register it where he lives and provide his own insurance. DH can give him a gift of six months insurance so SS can get his finances in order. 

AAA membership is for people living in the same household. He can get one with GF.

Cell phone -- do you need the plan you have now or is it more for SS?  The fastest way to get him to change would be to shut off his data. 

Options:

a) sign the car over to him and he can be 100% responsible for it

b) tell him that if he wants to continue driving that car once he's gone, he can pay the insurance

If he cannot afford a car, perhaps he should not drive.

Ok.... So this is all so tricky. I am simply telling you what my family did.

My Step-dad co-signed all my student loans. I looked into refinancing for years but nothing really ever worked out great but recently it all worked out in my favor and I was able to get everything under my name and my name only. My parents did a really smart thing in the mean time. They took out a life insurance policy on me, I technically did it but they paid the like 16 bucks a month so that way the loans could be paid off in case something happened to me. (might want to had DH consider this. If something happens to SS you hubby still responsible for paying.)

Step-dad kept me on his insurance and I was kicked off for a year because that is when the laws changed from 23 to 26. He generously put me back on.

They paid my car insurance all through college. Right before I graduated I got into an accident that totaled my car not my fault at all and got a new car. I made the payments and paid my insurance on the car. I also decided to go to grad school. I lived with my parents during this time rent free.

As for my cell phone. I am still on my parents plan. I paid my cell phone when I was in high school. My mom wanted me not to worry about bills in college and agreed to pay for the cell bill. My parents still pay it to this day. No I am not kidding I am 32 years old and have not paid a cell bill since I was 18. It sounds bad and like I am spoiled brat. Hell I offer all the damn time to pay it but my mom always says do not worry about it. Well ok. I know I will be paying once all my student loans are paid off. Probably even sooner than that.

Every situation is different. You can not really compare to other you have to do what feels right to you.

I think it depends on the circumstances.  My dad still pays for my cellphone (and those of my sisters) - it's cheaper for us to be on his family plan than to get our own (plus we have a much better plan than we'd otherwise have), and it's a rounding error for him.  He also owns and insures the cars we drive (which we've driven since we were 16).  He'll carry us on his health insurance until we're 26, too.   But . . . my dad makes more in a year than I'll make in my lifetime.  He can pay these expenses without even noticing and he's happy to do it.   I am not failing to become a contributing adult because he still pays these expenses for me.  I otherwise run my household and pay my bills.  

In a case where a young adult is trying but struggling and a parent can afford to help, I see nothing wrong with the parent doing so.  In a case where a parent can't easily afford to help, I don't think they should.  In a case where helping an adult child is causing issues in a marriage, I don't think they should.  In a case where a young adult is not taking significant responsibility for him or herself (i.e., we're talking major help from mom and/or dad), the parent is probably enabling more than assisting.  But I do think the circumstances are important to consider.

Ask your husband whether he is going to cover the cost of the baby that they decide they can afford because they have absolutely no idea what their cost of living actually is.

Would planning a baby be the reason they're looking to change appartments?

I think he should be paying this stuff himself by age 23. I think though as he has been used to this support and is at entry level in his job it might be a good idea if your DH phased the changes in. This year just start with the car insurance. You really should not be getting his mistakes chalked up on your insurance. Maybe it would make him a better driver if he is paying for it himself. 

I do pay my adult kids cells but they buy their own phones if they want new ones.  They do pay their own mortgages, utilities, and pay for their kids, so I don't mind the $50/month I pay.    But I pay for these, not my DSO.

My DSO can pay for his kids cell bills, 1 is 18 an other is 17.  Its his money if he chooses to do that.

I like the idea of weaning him off your insurance, as his pay increases so does what he owes.  My DD started her first big girl job last year, has gotten 1 raise (thank you WV teachers) and gets another one at her 1 year anniversary.  I'm helping her with her car payment, but she will pay so much after this next raise kicks in.  Both kids mortgages are really high (escrow with property tax and insurance included), even through the HDA or whatever its called now.

I didn't read all the comments so this might have already been said but I "carried" my son until he quit college. He was 19. I told him I would pay for everything as long as he was in college, the second he quit, he has to pay for himself. He is currently unemployed and floudering. It will be interesting to see how he comes up with the money. He had a decent job but quit bc he listened to his idiot father's family. We sold him a car so his car payment, insurance, and phone come up to $300/month. Thankfully, he has a good driving record. 

We did leave all the kids on the health insurance since it doesn't cost us any more than not having them on it. 

This child is a 23 year old adult. Grownup enough to play house with his girlfrend , so he can pay ALL his own bills.

As others have said , gift him the car and let SS figure out the rest.

SS needs to learn how to budget. Taking UNPAID time off work to go on vacation while other pay for your cellphone and Car insurance is not being responsible.

Does your DH bear 100% of the burden to provide the financial support to his kid?  Does it have any real bearing on your household?

You are completely right to feel frustrated. There will ALWAYS be something happening in his life that makes it too stressful for him to think about his own bills, his Dad isn’t teaching him anything about real life! 

If he was actually budget planning and had worked out he needed a little short term help - that’s one thing, my first job after uni paid a pittance and my Dad helped me out with my insurance for the first year. Needless to say my birthday present that year was a tank of fuel, a service and a new pollen filter. Had I b*ggered off to Vegas whilst he paid my insurance, I’d have got a piece of his mind and nothing more.

SS needs to grow up, he’s too old to not be responsible for his spending. He’ll never learn to live within his means otherwise!! Good luck!

BS16 pays for his own cell phone with the money he makes from his job. It was also already discussed with him that when he gets his license he will be responsible for paying whatever the difference is of adding him to the policy. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for children to learn the responsibility of paying their own bills. If you want the luxury of driving and having a cell phone, you pay for it.

Posts like yours always amaze me. My parents were soooo unhelpful compared to what parents do for their kids today!

The phone will be much more expensive if SS gets his own account, so maybe leave that one. Or consider reducing your account to the medium level, which might force SS to get his own or simply use less data. He doesn't need to use the phone at home if he has a laptop and that will save on data.

As for the car insurance, you're right that this couple playing house has no idea what things cost. You also don't want him to fail because you're on the hook for the college loans. I agree it might be time to ask SS to chip in for the insurance and phone by sending a check to you every month. The best way to make sure you get the check is for someone to let him know the check is essential to the phone's operation -- no check, no phone, and no going back. You'll assume if he doesn't send the check, he's made other arrangements for his phone.

I doubt your husband will want to play hardball like that, though. I had the same problem. I tried to convince my husband that if SD is old enough to have a live-in boyfriend, hold a job, jet all over the world, pay to get her laundry professionally done and delivered, and have a maid (no, I'm not kidding), she is also old enough to pay her own phone and other bills. That didn't work on my husband.

So then I took the real-issue approach: Honey, we need to start worrying about our own retirement and future. SD has the rest of her life to earn. We have less than 20 years to setup ourselves for a decent retirement, especially because my husband's divorce, child support and alimony cost him a lot of his retirement savings. This worked. We now save boatloads of money every month because we are no longer sending SD checks to fly to Dubai for Christmas!

I don't know how old you are, but 25 years until retirement is not too early to start worrying about your own situation, especially if you're in the US, where health care is a fortune and ever changing. Yes, your SS is just starting out in an entry-level job, but that means he has his whole career to earn his way. You and your husband have a much more finite time to financially protect yourselves.

The other thing that worked on husband was this: your daughter is taking all these trips and living in a $2000 a month apartment. She has a good job, but if there's a real emergency and she needs our financial help, we won't be in a position to help her because we're financing her jet-setter lifestyle. If she won't save money for an emergency, then we must do it for her. That means unloading her monthly bills onto her so she learns how to budget in the real world. THis is simply good parenting.

If your husband hasn't talked to SS about responsible budgeting, he should. That means when others are paying SS's bills, SS's "extra" money is being saved, not funding trips to Vegas. I'd just tell your husband that if there's enough $$$ to go to Vegas, there's enough money for him to take on at least one more of his own bills. How can he argue with that???

When you have this discussion with your husband, be sure you don't make it all about money. It's about helping his kid become financially responsible and independent because you won't always be there to help him out of a fix. And, realistically, anything can happen that could dramatically affect finances -- a pregnancy, a debilitating car accident, a fire, a layoff, etc. -- now is the time for SS to learn to save for a rainy day like all of us must.

I paid for DD's car insurance until she graduate from college. DH, actually DH and I, are paying for SS's car insurance because he's attached to our policy. I don't know how that is possible with SS living in another state, but DH tells me he's checked with the agent and it's fine. SS has also had a claim against the policy and they paid it, so I guess it's ok. SS is 32, living with his GF (who has a child, hello Karma), and working full time.

Once DD graduated from college and got a job, we agreed that she'd take over car insurance in six months. She did, without me reminding her. DH has asked SS to get his insurance situated in his home state, and SS said he would as soon as he figured out his budget. That was 6 months ago. DH is not eager to get him off our policy because he feels like he's "helping" his son. Ok, but he's not "helping" his daughter, and I am not helping mine anymore either. How is that right?

So I'm going to have to remind him again. I hate it, DH feels bad, SS takes no action, and we repeat the process every few months.

I think if you give SS a few months to prepare for the expense, help him with a budget if he needs it, that is reasonable. The only problem is enforcement if he doesn't get his own policy.

As for AAA coverage, I just dropped SS when I paid the annual bill and told DH after the fact. That one was easy.

I gave my kids one year after graduation to remain on the cellphone/car insurance ride.  

Your SS is old enough to play house with his girlfriend, he's old enough to pay for his cellphone and car insurance.

I'm all for completely cutting the financial cord when working fulltime , etc etc.  Now that only has happened with SD26 so far, SD 20 still gets free room and board, is on my health insurance and even though DW says different I believe we also pay her month to month phone bill.

I believe alot also has to do with the relationship you have with SS, my skids are disrespectful little parasites so helping them at all is not pleasing to me, from the sounds of it he is also a parasite (the Vegas trip gave it away), if you are paying one thing now he may come to you for more and more and DH will fold like a cheap card table.

Take all the advice offered and mix up to your own recipe but please cut the little bugger off, they need to learn to live on the own just like the rest of us.

The year the kids graduated from University was the last year we paid for anything. Monthly stripends stopped, they had always had to get summer jobs to support themselves so this was easy. We also stopped paying for the cell phones and 1/2 the car insurance but we did contitue those until January of the following year. It gave the kids time to save up and figure out how much their expenses were going to be.

I did offer to keep them on our plans - both cell and insurance - as it would be cheaper than them going out on their own.

They all chose to get their own cell plans, they wanted new phones and knowing I had access to see all their ingoing and outgoing calls was a big part of that I'm sure. The skids stayed on our insurance until they turned 25 and my youngest is still on ours. The skids and my youngest paid/pay monthly for the insurance and luckily there hasn't been a problem.