Caught in the middle and losing it.
This is semi-step related; forgive me if this is not in the right area.
As I mentioned briefly before, my wife is pregnant. SD is 11.
Since we are now officially in the second trimester, we decided to tell my mother the news last week. Mom was happy, of course. Since I'm an only child, this will be her first (and most likely only) grandchild, so naturally, she's excited about getting involved, etc.
Almost immediately, she started talking about throwing a shower for my wife and inviting certain people. Later, in private, my wife was really upset and started telling me that my mother was being controlling by not asking where to hold the shower or who to invite. My mother also went on social media to tell everyone she was going to be a grandmother, which kind of irritated my wife because she felt like my mother was taking praise/congratulations - thereby also making it more about her becoming a grandmother than about us becoming parents.
Now, I know my mother well enough to know that there was no malice behind any of this. I also know that my wife seems to be overly-sensitive right now. I'm not trivializing her feelings; it's just an effect of the pregnancy. Wife apparently wants my mother to "know her place" in a matter of speaking, and that the pregnancy isn't about her.
This pisses me off for a few reasons.
1. My wife's parents have had SD for 11 years, and they got to be excited/doting grandparents by default because SD's father (and his entire side) have never been involved at all. Plus, since my wife was a single mother, she needed her parents' help so she could work.
2. This will be my mother's only grandchild and I think it's unfair to expect her to suppress her natural grandmotherly urges. Granted, my mother can be emotionally extreme at times, but that's just who she is and nobody else is being asked to change their behaviors.
3. My mother paid for our entire wedding and will be paying for the entire shower, and my wife doesn't seem appreciative at all. Instead, all she can do is focus on what she doesn't like. Her parents aren't paying for anything; her parents aren't offering to split costs or help lighten the burden. But, when SD wants something, her parents damn near break their own necks to get it for her in record time.
This child won't be spoiled half as much as SD has been. Yet, I feel like my side of the family is expected to follow rules that seemingly only apply to them. Everything is being done for the comfort of my wife and her side of the family, including SD.
I'm just getting tired of it.
Another problem is that I can't even sit down with my wife and talk honestly about my feelings because the moment she's confronted about anything (even in a non-threatening way) she just shuts down.
Yes your wife is being
Yes your wife is being unreasonable. Let MIL be excited and brag to her friends and throw parties. It’s no big deal. Let your wife throw her tantrum. She’ll get over it.
Validate your wife in private
Validate your wife in private and then be nice to your mom.
I've done that, but
I've done that, but eventually, they'll both be in the same room. Pacifying them individually and telling them they're both right (I can see both sides of the argument) doesn't work. Plus, all it does is transfer the stress to me.
I think a surprise shower is
I think a surprise shower is lovely, but when you know your MIL is paying and organising it's not the same as your best friend doing it all in secret.... And if it was a surprise, I'm sure she would have been delighted... Just probably a bit different when you know what's going on and it's not what you really want. Your mum wants to be a doting grandma and she absolutely will be, but it probably feels too intense at the moment (and the baby hasn't even arrived yet)... with the announcement on social media... It's one of those things your mum probably should have asked if it was OK first... People feel very different about that kind of thing (I didn't ever announce anything)... Your wife probably needs a bit of moral support and your mum probably just needs to tone it down a bit... (At least with your wife)
Did you guys include SD in
Did you guys include SD in the baby announcement?
Nope. I dodged that bullet by
Nope. I dodged that bullet by suggesting that I create a cool-looking graphic from one of our favorite shows.
So it sounds like you don’t
So it sounds like you don’t like her family and she doesn’t like yours. So if you get to cut hers out she has the right to cut yours out.
On the contrary, I really
On the contrary, I really like her parents. I think they spoil SD to the point of detriment, but that's obviously not for me to say and I have no way to stop it. Other than that, I have no issues with them.
That said, I just didn't want SD in the announcement, but rather than being direct (and potentially hurtful) to my wife by telling her that, I suggested an alternative that steered her in a different direction without her realizing it.
As far as I'm concerned, that's a measure of consideration.
Playing both sides is the
Playing both sides is the worst thing you can do. Once you married you chose sides, created a new family unit, and need to manage your relatives accordingly.
As a man, you need to be a leader in your home. I get that herding females is annoying, but you need to nip this in the bud.
It seems that your wife dislikes your mother. Why is that? What are her core issues with your mom? If your mother is "emotionally extreme", that could be really irriirritating to people with whom she has no biological connection. People like that can come across as overbearing, interfering, and suck all the air out of a room. It's your responsibility to rein in your mother, prevent her (well intentioned) boundary stomping, and ensure that you are presenting a united front with your wife. I'm not trying to bash your mother and understand that she is over the moon to be a grandmother, but you have to get her to cool it in order to have leverage to deal with your wife.
By the way, according to the rules of etiquette it's inappropriate for family to host a shower. This should be done by friends of the mother to be.
Was she a bridezilla too?
Was she a bridezilla too? Your child will be surround by loving grandparents. Lucky baby. Have you asked your wife why she doens't like the woman who raised you? (you sound like a nice enough guy)
Is there a class difference between the two families? One have more money than the other? Does it all boil down to that?
Its customary for showers to be thrown by friends and family. Now if your wife only wants one shower, she should get the grandma's together to throw one, but your mother is ok to throw one for your side of the family too. Some ladies get many showers from all directions. Your mom sounds old school style etiquette. Is that another area of contention with your wife?
Also, why was SD's father and his family not involved? by their choice or did she push them away? If she pushed them away, would she do that to you too? She's use to having total contol over SD, but now she will have to share with you.
Don't let homones be the excuse for every litttle thing. Somethings are but some aren't. I think a discussion about your role in this parenting venture and how your family gets to participate is worth having. This child will have opportunities available that SD didn't, a present father. Don't let her railroad you.
My DH was maligned since the birth of his oldest and when they got divorced, BM was able to PAS 3 of the 4 skids from him. She had laid the groundwork from birth. I'm not saying that your wife will do that, but you do have an important role to play in this baby's life.
There’s no one way to do
There’s no one way to do things. OP is going online to find people to side with him. He will use this as ammo against his wife. “I went online and all these women say you’re crazy”. Dude happy wife happy life. Your wife can end your little situation any day. I say make her happy.
" OP is going online to find
" OP is going online to find people to side with him. He will use this as ammo against his wife."
That was a joke, right??
SMs post here everyday to do exactly what you are accusing the OP of doing.
Why is it OK for a woman to do but not a man???
OP, it sounds like your wife wants her mother to have top billing in the grandma department.
Your wife doesn't like your mother, but she doesn't say no thank you when mom is handing out cash.
You to talk to your wife ASAP and make it clear to her that your mother will be just as involved with this child as her mom is with SD. Do not play the silly games you played with the announcement.
Be blount and straight with her. Do not allow her marginalize your mother's role as grandma.
I do believe your mother is a bit over the top in regards to the baby shower but not the rest.
For the record I am a Grandmother, a Mother in law, a step mom, a bio mom, a wife and an ex wife.
Sir, YOUR mom is out of line. And you may want start digging yourself out of the middle YOU put yourself in.
Your loyalty is to your wife, not to your mom AND your wife. Since you are in the middle it is because you have not left your mother to cling/cleave to your wife. A marriage is not deigned for 'husband' to be in the middle....ever.
Nothing wrong with Granny being excited about her new Grandchild BUT...she should remember to respect your wife AND your marriage.
As a Mother in law AND a Grandmother I would never dreammmmm of putting information/notice about the Stork coming by or gossiping to anyone without asking the both mom and dad first. I don't care how excited I am or was about my new Grandchild. Hopefully your mother checked with your wife AND you before she blurted info.
For what ever reason...some Mother in laws, over step and meddle so much it causes a lot of marriage problems. Then when a baby is on the way it is worse, getting worse when the child is born. Before you know it Granny takes the child to church and all of a sudden the child is blessed and YOUR wife never agreed to it and there you are saying "well, my mom means well"....
Some Grandparents believe it is their right of passage to live eat, sleep and breathe a Grandchild. Actually it is not....maybe they should buy an RV.
1. Get out of the middle...you put yourself there, you can recover and walk out.
2. Set boundaries with your parents today. They want to buy a crib,,it goes by you and wife first. They want to buy 5k in Disney Stock for the baby,,,they check with both first THEY want to buy Christmas toys and Bday gifts, IT is run by you both first.
They must respect you as parents and respect your marriage.
Not my opinion,,, it has been MY experience and the experience of others.
I agree with this!
I agree with this!
Did you two tell your mom the
Did you two tell your mom the pregnancy is still a "secret"? I'm guessing not if you've already done the announcement. Unless your wife specifically said not to tell anyone about it, she is overreacting.
Yep, the woman carrying the fetus gets to decide who rubs her belly and how the delivery will take place/who is in the room. Beyond that? This is not just her child. She doesn't get to piss in First Time Grandma's cheerios just because of biology. Becoming a grandmother for the first time is a big deal to many, many women. That news is your mom's to share with anyone she damn well pleases!!
Ask your mom to throw YOU a shower. After all it's YOUR first child and your wife is kinda tacky for wanting to dictate terms of a generous off to throw a shower for her SECOND child. There are tons of ideas for dad showers online. I think it's brilliant.
What was the relationship
What was the relationship between your wife and mother like before the pregnancy? Has it always been somewhat strained or is this a new development? While I think it is a wonderful thing for your mom to be excited about her grandchild (I'm a Grandma, too), your wife may be getting the idea that your mom intends to take over. Is your mom someone who would insist on being at the hospital when baby is born or will she cheerfully abide by the wishes of the person giving birth? Will she offer to "help" after the baby is born only to have that help consist of hogging the child and playing keep away or "grandma knows best" with your wife? Things like that happen a lot with over excited grandparents. If your wife feels steamrolled by your mom during pregnancy and when the baby is born, then their relationship may never recover.
Wow, I would have killed for
Wow, I would have killed for a mother-in-law like yours! She wants to do something nice to celebrate a new baby. I don't know how your wife could look that horse in the mouth.
Surely there will be more than one shower. Whoever organizes the others can make the decisions with or without your wife's input.
A new baby is about everyone in the family, which is why your mom is so excited. I'd try to level out your wife by reminding her there will likely be more than one shower and even though your mom's delivery might not be the way your wife would like it, it comes from a place of happiness and love. It is a gift.
My first thought it maybe you
My first thought it maybe you are not fully understanding where your wife is coming from. Yes, it may be hormonally driven, but that doesn't change the fact that this is how she is feeling, and she cannot just change how she feels.
On the flip side, perhaps it is worth a conversation with your mother to diplomatically explain how your wife is feeling. Stick up for your wife and her feelings, especially now. You will have plenty of other times to negotiate, but this is yours and your wife's time, not your mothers. It is one thing to appreciate all she does for you, but you should always be on your wife's side, you're the team afterall.
I get frustrated with my FDH, he brushes off my feelings and says "that's just how my mom is." It makes me feel helpless, because I cannot stand up to her like he can and should, and I feel like my feelings are coming second to his mothers. And I'm not pregnant, so I can only imagine how it would be amplified if I was.
There's a way to nicely tell your mom to back off...something like, "we have a lot going on right now, and we will absolutely reach out for help and guidance as much as possible, we'll let you know what we need. But for right now, our main priority is our coming baby, and our marriage." Sure, you're mom may take some offense, or be upset she cannot be involved as she wants to be, but in all reality she'll forget all about it when that baby comes. Your mom isn't going to walk out of your life, but your wife has that option if she's unhappy. Keep that in mind.
"...but you should always be
"...but you should always be on your wife's side, you're the team afterall."
I agree. But what bothers me is that road doesn't go both ways. I feel like my feelings should be validated and considered where SD is concerned, but they aren't. It doesn't matter how frustrated I get or how much I hate living in our current location because at least SD isn't upset - or at least SD doesn't have to deal with change.
As I said in my original post, I do everything for the comfort of my wife and her side of the family. I make all the concessions. I cook dinner every single night after working all day, full time, and that's not just because my wife is pregnant. I've been doing it for the last two years.
I feel like because I'm the strong and consistent person in the marriage, that I'm purposely expected to deal with more unfairness and/or an imbalance of power.
Does your wife not cook?
Does your wife not cook?