I'm trying to be strong, but it's so hard. I just looked up our son's social to go ahead and call child support. I don't want it to be over, but I want him to get the hint. I think I'm nervous he's going to just not fight for our marriage once he gets that letter. I want him to fight. I've told him before I want to feel like I matter and not just words, but in actions. Since he doesn't and he claims that's just not how he is is detrimental to me. I don't see if you love someone so much how you can just roll over. That's the type of person I am you will move mountains. I think I'm also scared if he gets the papers and just rolls over 6 years of my life with someone who I considered my best friend just went down the drain. Just before the huge fight we were considering having another child. We were the best we had been in a long time and now since the fight it's just he's just here. It makes my heart just ache to be with someone who just doesn't do any kind of effort into anything except his daughter when I loved him enough to marry and have a child with him. 

No, while we were arguing he kept saying "hit me I'll have you locked up." over and over again. I did not lay a finger on him, but I did ball up my fist and clench my teeth because he was so arrogant and I felt you would call the cops on your wife how dare you. But I never swong or struck him. We were sitting up in bed so after I put my fist down he grabbed my throat and put me down on the bed and held me there, but a very tight grip. So tight I had bruises on my neck for days and while he was holding my neck I couldn't breathe and made a couple of choking noises. 

I know what you're telling me. It's just the mind and heart playing games. I don't want to live like this. I know I deserve so much more. Even if it means never finding anyone that's fine with me or not even a thought in my head of I'm scared of being single. It's more of I want him, but he's too stupid to reallize and I'm not important enough part of his life. Like throw me like a piece of trash it feels like. I can take ya or leave ya type attitude. Then, the mind games come into play. Like a friend stated it's comfortable so let me tell her what she wants to hear and not put in the work I said I would. If he would just say I don't love you it would make it easier on me. Or at least I hope so. 

I do have pictures and I didn't have him locked up which I could've easily done. Even that I got no kind of "credit" for I guess you could say. My mother was also asked by my MIL "why don't you ask your daughter why he did that? Was it because she was drinking all day?" Because I had posted to social media a drink (we were on vacation at the time of this) and said "Time to get drunk" with a smiley face. We were lounging by the pool and no I didn't get drunk (his family and him all knows I'm not even close to being an alcoholic). The only time I even drink is during special occassions like vacations or holidays and I work for an alcohol company. I don't have time to drink with two kids. I got my partying out when I was younger. But the bal*s in plain English his mother to even try to excuse his actions because I was drinking was appauling. He said she was just mad, but I told him why doesn't she ask herself why her husband cheats on her all the time then?

I've done it so far it's just taking the other steps. He's out of the house and I'm avoiding talking to him, but it just hurts. I hate being a woman because having feelings sucks.