It's going to be alright. It may be a lonely boat, right now, but at least you don't have to deal with the craziness that was making you miserable. You can do this. I'm on a similar boat, riding the same river as you.

What could have been?  Helll.  Just plain hell, coming in second to a spoiled rotten SD.  Daddy's little princess coming first, you being thrown under the rug to keep her happy and keep the peace.  

Seething anger taking over your personality, friends losing touch because you are not the same jolly person you were when you made friends with them.  

Kicking yourself for sticking around for 20 years and not listening to the those people on Steptalk who warned you about this.  

How's that for a start? 

I’m about to be where you are. Right now is the toughest period: letting go, finding closure, resisting going back. Just think of all the horrible things you are finally free of. Him defending his perfect angel, BM getting mad and jealous when she found out he was getting married, he harboring stories of his ex, mixing her name with others. Disgusting! You are too good for that. Let them go and move forward. Let them rot in the hell they created for themselves. How dare he try to lure you into that fucked up life with him. 

Hon, what could have been is years of hell. Years of your ex treating you like a second class citizen and putting his kid on a pedestal while kissing her arse. THAT is what you could look forward to. 

It hurts. Time will heal your heart. And the realization that he would not put you first. Take time to heal. Learn who you are and what you want. Do not accept anyone who doesn't put you up on that pedestal. You're special. You're worth it. 

You have just saved yourself from a lifetime of drama and dreaming about what it would be like to be with someone who doesn’t have kids...

What could have been?

What WOULD have been, is you coming in last and becoming resentful and miserable. Many women on this site have become someone that they don't even recognize, due to step kid's and partner's behavior, and BM drama.

You are doing the right thing.

Smile and be proud that you will not be one of those people who stays in an awful marriage/relationship and 20 years down the line regret not leaving. You saved yourself years of heart break, pain, and betrayal. This gives you the time and space to dig deep and realize all the beauty that you truly deserve.

Keep pushing forward, you got this *biggrin*!

I also recently ended my relationship. He had 50/50 custody of a horribly behaved 6-year-old, and I felt often like my home was not mine. The kid was loud, rude, mean to my kids, mean to my dog, not a nice kid. I was his stepmother for three years and they were the worst three years I have lived. If you avoid this for yourself, it is good. I wish I did.

Some things I have realized in the month since I left:

I make a lot of money. Now that I am not supporting him because all his money goes to his son, I can do wonderful things like go to music festival and plan holidays abroad. I am surprised how much money I have now that I do not need to support this man.

I can move to a neighborhood I like. I realized that I did not want the house I bought. I bought it because it was the only place he would live since he wanted 50/50 custody, and we needed to live near his ex. I do not like large houses, or the suburbs. I lived there for him only. I will sell this house when he has left it, and buy a flat in the city.

I can cook any food I want to eat. His son would not eat many foods and I was expected to cook things he would eat. I did not like these foods because they were not healthy and tasted bad. Chicken nuggets, fried potatoes, this sort of thing. Now I make any food I want and never those foods I do not like.

I can do any activity I want to do. My friends want to meet at the pub? I can do it. I do not need to ask if stepson will be along since he is poorly behaved and cannot be taken places like that. Coworker wants to go cycling after work? I can do it, and my kids can join because they love cycling. I do not need to worry that stepson cannot ride a bicycle and I am not allowed to teach him.

Did I say I have more money? I say it again! I have more money!

It is better when you can live your way, in many ways. It feels better not worrying I will have to parent this stepkid for 12 more years, and he will become bigger than me, and meaner, and angry like his father. I do not need to pay lawyers money to write my will in a manner that he will not inherit my assets if something happen to me. I do not need to worry about many things. It is better this way.

It is better that I spent time with my grandchildren and family these past few weeks, instead of being taken away somewhere by him to celebrate my birthday away from my family.

It is better that I came back home and I could drive the grandkids around and show them where their mummy went to school and they get to see their grandad and their uncle.

It is better that I live here where things and people are familiar than in a place where I knew no one and had to force myself to go out and find them.

It is better that I could go window shopping today and look for some lovely things to put in my new home without having to ask anyone if they like them.

It is better that I can sleep peacefully in my own bed, read my books and not have to listen to an old walruss snoring next to me.

It is better for a thousand reasons, big and small and yes, there are many of us in different stages of this process of breaking away from steplife.

Today has been better  for you than yesterday and I hope that tomorrow will be even better than today...

As a doctor will tell you if you inform them that "it hurts when I do this"... STOP DOING THAT!

You have moved on... so move on.  If you re-engage it just keeps hurting.  What might have been is a waste of time to even consider.  Focus on the start of your new life adventure and celebrate this toxic and shallow gene pool fading in your rear view mirror.

Time for Rags' Three Day Rule.  A breakup only hurts the worst for about 3 days. After day 3 each day hurts a bit less until eventually that relationship is just an occasional unpleasant memory.  Unless.... you re-engage.  If  you re-engage the whole process resets and you have to relive all the hurt, pain and crap over and over again until you stop re-engaging.

I am not one to pursue a fore lorn hope.  Rather it is better to seek a new adventure and opportunity.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you and enjoy your journey.

I do not miss his children behaving horribly and him sticking up for their poor behavior. They would throw tantrums appropriate for children years younger than they were whenever they were told no, cry when they were told no, order adults around, rarely say please or thank you unless asked multiple times, demand things that were not theirs and cry when being told no, they were mean to the family dog, they would hit and kick, they were wasteful and would go through so many things needlessly and throw them out that werent even used properly (paper towels, bottled water, food, toilet paper, etc), they rarely cleaned up their messes unless told to do so multiple times, they would interupt adults (and others) constantly, they would say cruel things and intentionally be mean, they would lie, they would fake sick and daddy believed them, they would dominate meal time and the tv, we would always eat whatever they wanted to eat and watched whatever they wanted to watch, they would eat with their hands, make a huge mess at meals and not clean up after themselves then raid the pantry for cookies and desserts but never close them, they complained and whined about everything. They would never do anything they were told to do without being offered a reward (new toy, new movie, stay up late watching tv, etc) I've never met such whiney poorly behaved brats. I do not miss the ex being disrespectful and invasive. I do not miss him harboring stories about her. I do not miss his overbearing mother. I do not miss picking up the check for him or his family. This type of stuff does not feel good and effects your self worth. Im free of that mess thankfully and no longer have to have it in my life.

I left my ex four years ago for a simple reason of his horrible adult DD moving in and making my life miserable and him allowing it. I only survived a yeAr with her there and I was gone despite him begging and crying then and after. I am now happily married to a man who puts me first. So look at your situation as a positive one 

Im sorry you miss him so! It is rough!

However now the path is clear dor you to have your own child!

Hang in there!

It's a hard lesson but you'll never make the same mistake twice. And you'll be all the stronger for it, too.

Hugs to you

Know that you deserve to feel loved and respected and prioritized. You deserve to treat yourself pamper yourself and most importantly love yourself by you! You are anxious. Your mind is racing eith time these sentiments will dissipate and you will heal when you cross the right man for you - without a competitor. You know yourself more than ever. Make s list of who you are.. where you want to be. Good luck.

I read your first post so I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. I'm also 34, never married, never had kids, also an artist and enjoy my "me" time. Also having issues with a man who has to deal with a BM and child.

On the other hand....

It is rare to find someone you gel with so well and makes you so happy. The purpose of a partner is just that, in addition to lifting that person up, help reach their dreams, and support their values. Your ex's major value was his daughter, which you didn't want to accept. I think it's perfectly acceptable to stay as far from the BM as possible, no arguement there. Avoiding his daughter, though, is literally avoiding a piece of him. She IS him. I  know the feeling of being terrified of seeing your SO's kid and worrying about what could go wrong. Honestly, there are a lot of cases where step parents have great relationships with their step kids. It's still all about what you're comfortable with, and you could choose to just be a teacher and confidant to her. If you gave the chance to meet her, what if she becomes inspired to be her own artist because of you, and you have something cool to bond over? You might have become the one she confides in if she has personal issues, wants advice about school, or who knows. Plus she's 12 and it won't be long before she's in college.

If even the suggestion of meeting her enrages you, explore that. Why do you think that is? What feelings are there? Scared? Resentfulness? When you pin-point those feelings, ask yourself why those feelings are there. Do they relate to your own past experiences? Is it something your ex could have mitigated if he had the chance to know what that was? 

I'm just playing devil's advocate because I relate so much. You saw my post from yesterday so you know I'm also on my way out. But I have to say, the best thing about our relationship was his little boy. We were so tight, and I will miss him so much it's heartbreaking. I learned a lot about myself from him. And what was nice was as soon as he acted up, his dad would discipline because that's what we worked out. If you're regretting the decision and you have the opportunity to just meet his daughter once with no expectations, what would you have to lose? It could really hit the nail in the coffin of your decision to leave, or you could really see a full picture of the relationship working out.

If you know 100% sure that you have no interest in going down that path, then I can't really reassure you've avoided step-hell. You've just avoided the unknown. Good luck, girl! :)