Hello to all the lovelys! 

A few weeks ago I posted a forum about an issue many of us experience at one point in the challenges of being a step parent: when your stepchild hits their father, others and you. 

Here is the good news! It can get better! My fiance and I worked together and communicated together about the issue of my SD hitting us and others. It came to the conclusion that both of us need to teach SD how to properly express her emotions, it is okay to be angry, and how to control one's behavior. We created a step-by-step plan of what we would do and say if SD kept hitting us. This pass weekend the plan came into action...and oh my gosh was it so helpful! Even after one weekend the SD had better behavior and we as a family grew stronger. Yes, we made progress and yes it will take more repeating and tweaking but it is a fantastic step in the right direction. An affirmation that with communication, empathy and a positive outlook things will get better. I am so fortunate that I am given the opportunity to self reflect and grow. 

I'm sharing this all the frustrated step parents out there...things will get better. There is too much negativity in the rest of the world bringing us down, instead here is some positivity! Stepparents (and parents)You can do this...communicate your feelings with your SO, take some time to mediate, discover your strengths! 

I posted the plan my fiance and myself made to put into action whenever we are encountered with our daughter hitting. This was adapted from an article from Psychologytoday.com. Names have been altered to protect the identities. Please take this and adapt it to your family needs. *Disclaimer: I am not a professional on any sort of mental, emotional, marriage, or child counseling, psychology, or child development. Please seek professional help if anyone's health (physical, emotional or mental) or life is in danger. 

• What to do when your child hits
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• Goals: 1.) Teach Janedoe to healthily display and control her negative emotions. 2.) Have a child that wants to control her actions. 3.)  Have a stronger and healthier relationship with Janedoe. 
• 4.) Develop our own patience and emotional control. 5.) Establish that hitting will not be tolerated.
• When a child hits:
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• Say, “Ouch that hurts. I need to take care of myself right now. I will talk to you after I calm down.” Step away from the child and either go into the bathroom or bed room with the door closed if it pertains. If not at home, simply step away from the child by at least 10 feet. Take 5 to 10 minutes but do not leave child unattended.
• Avoid swearing at the child. Avoid strong angry emotions. Avoid restraining the child. Remain calm. Remind yourself, the child needs to learn how to regulate emotions. It is YOUR ability as your parent to stay calm to help the child learn how to handle their emotions. Take the High Road.
• Goal is to raise a child who WANTS to control their emotions and that has the emotional intelligence to do so.
• Bring yourself to the child’s level while keeping a safe distance from any repeated strikes.
• Say, “That really hurt me. I know you were angry. BUT I WON’T LET YOU HURT ME. People are NOT for hitting.”
• Child may respond why they are angry. If child responds by lashing out…”I won’t let you hurt me. Please tell me why you are angry.” Parent remains calm. If child still refuses or lashes out…”You must be angry enough to hurt me. Why are you angry?” Child should respond. If child does not respond at this point say, “I will let you calm down for a few minutes and think about why you were angry enough to hurt me.” Walk away if need be and do not return until the child is a little more calm. Resume asking why they were angry.
• Admit what you did and acknowledge their disappointment. Say, “I see why you’re disappointed.” Then explain your reason to why the child could not...get their way, not go out, not have that toy...etc. Follow with, “I’m sorry. I know you were looking forward to it.” Main goal is to explain your reasoning and acknowledge their feelings.
• Ignore any name calling or attitude from child. “You’re really mad at me, Janedoe. You think I do not….want to spend time with you, have fun with you, be with you, cuddle you etc…”
• Acknowledge the child’s right to be mad and empathize. “You’re right Janedoe we did not spend much time with you, cuddle you...etc. No wonder you feel mad, lonely and hurt.”
• Empathize with child and show them where it hurts. Say, “This hurts Janedoe. I understand why you were mad. You can be as mad as you want. But I will NOT let you hit me. People are NOT for hitting.”
• Child may respond it was an accident or with attitude.   
• Say, “I understand you were mad. Mad is okay. But there is NO excuse for hitting EVER. What can you do next time you get so mad?” (Draw a picture, do push ups, run in place, punch a pillow, walk away) Have the child come up with their own ideas. 
• Encourage ideas the child can use. “Great idea. And you can also try what I do. Count to ten, taking deep breaths. Let’s try it.” Performing the breathing exercise together.
• Say, “Janedoe, do you think you can do these things next time you are angry? It is okay to get angry but hitting is NEVER okay. I would not hit you. I will not let you hit me.”
• Acknowledge it was okay for child to get angry and that next time the parent can do better at...spending time with, cuddling etc. “You have a complete right to be really mad about something but hitting is NEVER okay. Ok?”
• “Do we need a reminder code for when you’re getting angry?” Come to an agreement with the child. And shake on the deal.
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• Big takeaways:
• The child will follow your lead. Remain calm.
• Feelings are acceptable and healthy. But she can choose whether to act on them (just needs to be taught how to do it)
• Always come to the child with love not pull away in anger.
• Have the child apologize for the behavior.
• Punish the child as needed.
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• Punishments:
• Limit of screen time
• Not going out, no pool time, no zoo time...etc.
• Limiting bedtime book to one book
• Silent time out
• No gifts
• One toy of interest will be on lock down for 10 minutes
• Have the child give a drawing to the receiver of the hit