Advice on Dealing with a Negative Friends of Biomom's
Hello Everyone,
I need advice about how to handle a situation about an ex babysitter biomom has over infront of our stepdaugther.
My husband hired a babysitter for our stepdaughter and let the babysitter go because of the offensive remarks she sad about the father to his daugther. He requested that the biomom no longer use that babysitter as the babysitter's reputation shows she will verbally tell the daughter "that her father is a bad man and he forces the daughter to call me (stepmom) mommy." (Our SD told us this) The babysitter also refused to give back our SD car seat and continued to send harshing text messages to my husband (until he filed a restraint against her). Biomom encourages the behavior of the babysitter and continues to bash my husband.
Side Note: We encourage our SD to call me bonus mom or mama my name; however, she continues to call me mommy. She is young and when we asked her why does she call me mommy her logic was "when my daddy marries you, that would make you my mommy." That is a logical reason for a 5 year old so we felt correcting her would do more harm that good. We have discussed that, yes I love her very much just like any mother but that I am in supplement to her biomom and not a replacement. SD understood but still perfers to call me mommy.
Long story short, it is in the court parenting agreement that this particular babysitter is to no longer have any contact with the SD. My husband found out shortly after he fired the babysitter, the biomom was still using her to babysit the SD. My husband put in a request to the biomom to no longer let that happen and reported it to the court. However, on facebook I found that the biomom, SD and forbidden babysitter had dinner together a few months after the parenting agreement was agreed on in court.
My husband brought this to the attention of the biomom, in which she quickly stated "the babysitter is my friend" and quickly excused herself into her office. We later found she deleted all her facebook activity.
Biomom can be friends with whoever she wants; however, it is stated in the plan that this particular babysitter is forbidden to be around the SD as the babysitter is a great threat to the mental and emotional health of our SD. If biomom wants to hang out with the ex-babysitter on her own time that is okay but not when our SD is present. I understand that at the end of the day, bio mom will still do what she wants at the cost of her daughter's well-being.
Positive and friendly advice is welcomed. Please do not give advice that entails violence, name calling, swearing or high conflict interactions...that only makes things worse. My goal is to have this ex-babysitter not be a negative impact on the realationship between our SD and our new blended family.
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Comments
If you really want to avoid
If you really want to avoid conflict, have your SD call you by your first name. Nothing enrages a biomom more than having her children call someone else mom. I am a stepmom and a biomom and I would not have my stepkids call me mom. They were 3 and 5 when I met their dad and 4 and 6 when I married him. They understood very clearly that while I loved them, I was NOT their mommy. They only had ONE mommy. I told them they could still love me and I would still love them if they called me by my first name.
Never in the history of step-parenting have I met a child that could not understand that they only had one mom and that while daddy's wife/girlfriend loved them, they were not their mom and should not be called mommy. I call a big fat BS on your statement that telling SD to call you by your first name would psychologically hurt her. There is no reason you have to be called mom. You aren't her mom. Period.
I agree. My SS said he was
I agree. My SS said he was going to call me "Mom" after DH and I got married, and I told him that he had a mom already, and to call me by my name. Even a 5-year-old can understand that logic. You just have to remind her (and don't answer to Mommy or Mama).
That doesn't make what BM or the babysitter is doing OK, but encouraging a kid to call a stepparent "mom" or "dad" can be considered alienation and BM clearly doesn't like it. Would DH be OK with her calling BM's boyfriend Daddy?
Psychologically, telling a
Psychologically, telling a child they are wrong when their thought process is clear and rational would be damaging. It is not healthy to tell a child they are wrong with a logical thinking process, as it may destroy their self-worth. Have you ever talked to someone and they told you were wrong, yet in your head your logic makes sense.
I agree that yes, I will still love her regardless if she called me by my first name. We still do encourage our SD to call me "bonus mom" or "mama my name". At times she has used those before...and her father uses "mama my name" with us. SD does refer to me by my name when she is in the presence of her biomom. She is fully aware that I am not her mom...SD has clearly stated that she knows who her biomom is.
This was the child's choice to call me, momma...children need a chance to explore their own control and self-choices in the world. We have explained to her our rational and she has explained her as best as a 5-year-old can. Her reasoning makes perfect sense to her and that is how she came to her choice. My husband and I found it a reasonable answer, we do not encourage to call me "mommy" but we will also not discourage her from coming to her own thought processes.
I'm sorry, that's B.S. If
I'm sorry, that's B.S. If this goes to court and BM says DH has her call you "mom", that will not go over well. She refers to you as your name in front of BM, which means she's capable of it, and also, she knows BM doesn't like it. So you are encouraging her to do something that she knows will hurt her mother, just so you can feel like her "bonus mother."
Again, is BM's boyfriend Daddy Whoever? And would DH be OK with that?
Your DH needs to have his
Your DH needs to have his attorney send BM a certified letter explaining that she needs to remove SD from said person or contempt charges will be filed. Then file contempt chargea every time BM brings Babysitter around.
Also, if you can get an RO on the Babysitter on SD's behalf, do it.
You aren't telling BM who she can be friends with, but you are protecting SD from someone who was enough of a threat that she was specifically named in his CO that SD can't be around her (which is unheard of unless the offense is truly grievous). If BM wants to fight that, then she can be the one to go back to court about it.
best course of action is for
best course of action is for DH to get the professional advisement from his lawyer of how best to proceed.
I agree with Lt Dad - you can
I agree with Lt Dad - you can only deal with this through paperwork. And you need to pick your battles. Hanging out with said woman - well, that's fine. (It isn't but you have to accept it.) If it's in the CO that this woman can't be around SD, well then she just can't. Expect a lot of defiance. But believe me when I say this woman isn't your main problem. This woman hasn't said anything that BM doesn't say or at least think.
The whole 'mommy' thing is a distraction. Sure, I admit I wouldn't like it if my son called someone else mom (this seems unlikely now as he's 11) I think you've got the right attitude - let HER call you what she wants (within reason if you're ok with it).
I know that other posters
I know that other posters have touched on this, but it's been bugging me, so here's my 2 cents.
I raised my stepdaughter from 5 to 18. She lived in our home 24/7/365. Her mother disappeared for 13 years. Not once did I allow my SD to call me anything like mom. I was Miss Figureditout. I was Wicked (short for Wicked Stepmother). I was Lola, then Steplola (no clue as to where that came from). Now she calls me by my given name.
Did it scar her mentally? I don't think it did, and if you ask her today she would probably say the same.
BM is playing cat and mouse
BM is playing cat and mouse games you cannot win. Orders like that are almost impossible to enforce, and she gets off on flouting you. I would ignore this issue. The babysitter isn't the real problem, BM is.
I agree. My husband and I
I agree. My husband and I discussed what we can do. Taking the BM back to court is a last resort option because BM is so toxic. We worry she would take it and to turn it into a big brawl. My husband did speak to her in person about this, sent her a message on OFW and sent an email to the BM's father (who can be the voice of reason to BM).
When my husband talked to her it seemed to work because BM quickly ran away to delete photos from facebook. Her lies and behavior were confronted, she knows now that my husband and I are serious about how she treats the daughter. Perhaps this thought process will stick into her head. My husband and I agreed we will do this everytime until the event shows that the cons of going to court are outweighed by the cons of BM's behavior to the daughter.
We also decided the best thing we can do as parents is when SD is with us: is shield her from negative, help her find healthy cope skills, encourage the positive, provide a safe and loving environment, set a higher example, and continue to love her unconditionally.
Eventually, the BM's behavior will become apparent to her child. Our hope, as parents, is that we installed enough positive to our SD that the toxicity of BM is minimal damage.
A lot of times, ROs extend to
A lot of times, ROs extend to those who live in your household. If your DH has an RO against her, he should be able to get the police involved that way.