Thoughts on your SO Skyping with bio to talk to kid?
My SO and BM do the whole Skype thing with their kid (4 years old) every other night. I hhhhhhhhaaate it. SO MUCH. They used to do it every night, but it's now about 3 times a week. It's always at 6pm so it's the worst interruption. When I first moved near SO, she suggested a trial of going without Skype (it is a mostly an inconvenience for my SO, and I imagine for BM too). But a couple of days later, when their kid talked about me, she changed her mind.
She admitted she wanted to keep Skyping when she learned I moved to live near SO so she can "monitor their kid's adjustment for his best interest." So basically she wanted to skype to peep in to our lives, which was not the point of it. The point was so the kid could stay connected, not so each parent can monitor the other parent's environment. Her wanting a lense into our private space is sooo invasive to me and feels so icky.
Now, their kid and I are tight. He makes me happy, he's funny, adorable, I teach him stuff, play with him, and I love the kid. When she skyped the other night, kid takes the phone and says "this is my mom!! say hi!" This was our first direct interaction, since I still haven't met BM (it's been a year since I moved). It's really sweet how innocent the whole thing was, but it was soooo glaringly awkward. I just said "hello" and smiled, and kept going about cooking. Kid just kept the phone on me as I was doing my thing, and she said hi a couple of times. I don't remember where SO was. I think he was just watching the interaction go down. Then I said "mommy wants to talk to you, why don't you tell her about your day." It got him to talk to her for a bit but he came back to the same thing a minute later. Eventually it ended and it really shook me up being forced into that interaction. (Side note.... The petty side of me is satisfied bc I looked like a SNACK lol.)
It was so creepy hearing her commentary on what we were doing. She was peeping into my life. I was busy cooking in the kitchen with this woman's Michael Jackson face just staring at me. (She got a terrible nose job in a third-world country and it is next level tragic.)
I hate hearing her stupid voice every other night as we're trying to have dinner. It always makes me really anxious and leaves a negative tension in the air, throwing off the mood. We're forced to turn our conversation and attention on her, as though the woman was just in the house.
What are your thoughts? Does the use of Skyping with kids affect your relationship at all? I'm curious if anyone else shares this, and what people's general thoughts are on this.
that would
creep me out. Can your dh step in and designate a specific area of the house that skype is supposed to take place? like a laundry room or closet.
I think that's what I'll end
I think that's what I'll end up asking, thank you for the suggestion! There have been times though when we're out and about and that damn skype ringtone starts going off. Once we were at the market and had to skype with her as soon as we stepped outside. My hands were full and he was running up to me and trying to show me his mom, but it didn't happen that time bc SO was holding the phone. ugh.
Bio DD's dad used to try this
My X. He wanted to spy on what was happening during our separation, so he demanded Skype visits. I anticipated his plan and set up DD on a beige wall for the conversation. Then I walked away. The Skype visits ended shortly thereafter. They weren't exciting enough for him.
Lol at Michael Jackson face.
Lol at Michael Jackson face. Plastic surgery gone wrong.
SD9 FaceTimes with Crazy, but always after dinner when it won’t disrupt anything, Usually right before bed. Can you suggest making that the new time? Also, I know this whore just loooves the opportunity to creep on our lives, Usually SD will take the phone up to her room and talk there, but sometimes she’ll walk through the house to get something out of the kitchen, while I perform super-stealth ninja moves so Crazy can’t see me. Lol. I hate when she does that because the kitchen is usually a mess with SD’s school crap all over the counter.
A few months ago They were FaceTiming and SD came to ask us something about her outfit for the first day of school (we bought her a new dress, which she picked out, and let her take it to Crazy’s so she wouldn’t try and dress her like a Goodwill hooker like last year). She was excited about the outfit and asked me what shoes I thought she should wear, while BM was on the phone, obviously hearing this all. 20 mins later we got a message from psycho on Our Family Wizard, saying that the dress we got her was ugly, it was old and worn out and wasn’t from Old Navy but maybe “old lady” (Crazy’s attempt at humor- although the dress was new with tags), and that SD wasn’t wearing it to school. (Side note, SD did wear the dress and Crazy even told her it was pretty). Bitter much, BM?
Is the skyping in the CO?
I hear of so many people talking about skyping and talking to BM during other parents time. Is this in the CO or just happening for the child?
Our Co has a stipulation on how many times and how long (max)and under which circumstances a parent CAN talk to skid during the other's time. Its way less than every other night. Our CO is pretty standard for my state.
If happening as a courtesy to the child then tell her to call on a regular phone. Video chats once in a very big while and maybe on a much smaller screen( like a phone). At 4 he should adjust pretty quick.
If she does this saying hello thing again let the little one know you are a bit busy and mommy will have to talk to you some other time. Or let them collectively know it is dinner time and he will have to get off the skype.
P.S. WHAT are you still doing with this gaslighting Jerk of a man? So many guys out there without this drama. C'mon girl...get you out of there!
Haha I know I know, and I
Haha I know I know, and I appreciate your advice so much!! It's hard because there's so much good in our relationship, but then these things come up and add a whole new level of intensity that I don't know how to deal with. This forum is helping a lot.
The CO says that both parents should allow the other parent to communicate electronically with the child daily. Now, to me, that doesn't necessarily mean Skype. Both parents Skype every other day. However my SO has stopped doing it when she has him because it throws off the mood. Plus his kid is usually engaged or paying attention for long. That was the main reason BM wanted to try going without it, because kid didn't want to have to stop what he's doing and wouldn't engage a whole lot in the call.
It really does feel more like for the parents and a control thing.
These kinds of CO provisions
These kinds of CO provisions are just ways for controlling parents to intrude on the other parent's time. Ugh. So glad SS never did this. And why 6 pm? Why not right before bed to say goodnight? Just intrusive.
If I were you, I would insist on it being done in SS's room. And I would disappear the minute BM's voice was heard. In the middle of dinner? Too bad, SO can finish it. In the car? Sorry, I won't be going with you since it's going to be 6 pm and I don't want to be in the car and have SS waving the phone in my face.
With a reasonable ex, you could adjust the time, cancel some nights, etc, but I'm guessing BM and SO both INSIST on that 6 pm time and rake each other over the coals if he's not available until 6:02. Just another way for them in fight.
Aside from just the “ick”
Aside from just the “ick” factor of having to see/hear BM so much throughout the week—this just isn’t something we or DH does except on very, very rare occasions. My stepkid doesn’t like talking on the phone, for one, so that makes it easy! And BM doesn’t push for this, so that also makes it easy.
That said, should those two circumstances change in the future—I think DH and I both value privacy and our time being our time. We don’t have joint custody, so I know DH wants to spend as much time with his kid as he can without an interruption from BM—and for the most part, she seems to respect that boundary. If that changes in the future, I think DH would squash it before it became a thing that occurred multiple times a week.
Our BM lives a thousand miles
Our BM lives a thousand miles away. SD12 talks to her a few times a week from her room or the backyard. We do allow her to Skype on special occasions. When she does, we set her up in a corner where all BM can see is the wall behind her. SD doesnt move the camera or try to force any interactions.
I would put a hard stop to it if she crossed those boundaries but Ive never had to worry about it. Like I said, we only do it a few times a year. I can't imagine doing it several times a week. That seems a bit excessive.
I'm guessing that BM isn't
I'm guessing that BM isn't interested in trying to get a glimpse of you or the house. I think when she said she wanted to make sure the kids were adjusting... it was probably a combination of her wanting to talk to them regularly to make sure they seemed emotionally ok.... and probably the experiment of not skyping probably made the mom miss the kids more and that interaction. Plenty of people say "for the kid's sake" when it's really about them.
That being said, I agree that these sessions should be done in a private area of the home where you don't have to become an unwitting participant to the conversation. Dad should be able to "monitor" this. I see nothing wrong with telling him that you are uncomfortable getting put on the spot and having to interact with his EX. Perhaps the Skyping time could also be moved to a more convenient hour so it isn't in the middle of things too?
Regarding your first
Regarding your first paragraph - even if BM was pure-of-heart and it was really about the kid or her own personal feelings, that doesn't make the request okay.
BM wanting to "check in" on her son sends the message that Dad may not be capable of managing the kid on his own time. BM shouldn't need to check on her son if her son is with his Dad (and Dad has no previous history of issues and the kid behaves normally on BM's time). Dad should have shut that down immediately and said, "if I notice an issue on my time, I will let you know". My guess is BM would be none-too-happy if Dad implied that she couldn't handle helping the kid adjust.
And if she is truly doing it to meet her own emotional needs, that's dangerous to the development of the child. BM, and Dad too, have to self-soothe themselves. They need to rely on friends, therapy, the occasional glass of wine - whatever - to deal with their own issues around being separated from their child. NEEDING Skype to cope is a problem for the parent, and giving them access to the child just makes that child responsible for their parent's emotional wellbeing.
I'm not saying parents shouldn't Skype with their kids, or that parents shouldn't miss their kids. But if BM's reasoning for wanting to do it is because she "needs to make sure he is adjusting" and she can't handle not seeing her kid, there is reason enough to stop or modify with Skype calls if they are intrusive.
Honestly my DH kept in pretty
Honestly my DH kept in pretty much daily phone contact with his daughters.. still to this day he is in daily contact with his adult younger daughter.. and he calls his dad every day too..lol.
I 100% understand that OP doesn't want to have these calls intrude on HER. it is 100% her right to ask her SO that changes are made so that they don't.
It sounds like the calls were a daily thing before.. only recently had stopped for a bit but BM wants them to resume.. she gave a reason which may or may not be THE reason.. but I really don't see the harm in these calls.. as long as the ability to have a brief contact on a daily basis is RECIPROCAL with dad having that same privilege when the child is at Mom's house. And.. as long as there are reasonable adjustments to the timing and location of the calls so it isn't an intrusion on DH's household.
Of course there were times that my SD's weren't available to take the calls.. but as long as they were.. he had brief.."hi honey, how was your day.. I love you" calls daily. I don't see it being a huge intrusion if dad sets some ground rules.
Are you writing a paper Kona?
Are you writing a paper Kona? I am also not trying to be snarky. I also looked back at your previous questionnaire posts.
I wish you the very best.
We only allow the skids to be in their room
when they video chat. The BM doens't need to be in and around our house while we aren't home. The thought of it makes me sick to my stomach actually.