Please somebody give me some hope!
I am new to this group, but a six year stepmom. I am overwhelmed by the crazy that is my life. My DH has two ex BM's. One is borderline personality, and a narcissistic master manipulator. The other is a former meth addicted purse snatcher. What that says about me I shutter to think, though in my defense I didn't know these things until we were engaged. I had BM #1 dump the kids on me from day 1 (probably assuming they would make me run and not that I was the most patient person she would ever encounter). Then, after nine months she takes them away. Then does it again. And again. And again. DH is more than willing to put ALL responsibility for his kiddos on me, so is BM, and so is my MIL. Then immediately remind me that I have no rights to the kids. It is such a freaking mess it would take me a year to write it all down, but BM has now made my kids school a contentious horrid place and I want to run away. I want to leave and never return. I want to take my babies with me and find a way to never hear, see, or deal with her again. Stepmom=handmaiden or indentured servant in my opinion. No, flat out BM slave. She says jump, DH says how high, MIL criticizes the effort and says "Jump again!" Worst Freaking job and life ever. I feel powerless. I feel angry. I feel fed up. Is anyone there? Someone tell me it gets better when they grow up or that I can have my own life again someday. I want our 2 little ones to have a different life. Ugh!!!!!
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Welcome to the site! But oh
Welcome to the site! But oh dear, you are in a bad situation, and it's no good waiting for the kids to grow up - that will be many years I imagine - and if you just read a bit in the "adult step kids" section of the forum, you will see that problems don't stop when they turn 18. The bad situation is mainly due to the fact that your DH is prostrating himself on the altar of the babymommas and that you are not being assertive enough to say "no" to his (and their) unreasonable demands on you.
You need to start laying down the law, my dear, in a big way - and if nothing changes - and tbh it sounds as if you are going to be really up against it in getting them to change - then maybe you will indeed be better off in a different life with your children.
About two years ago I told my
About two years ago I told my H that I was NOT going to watch the kids for him while he stayed gone all night working at our business. I told him that he needed to ensure he always offered BM #1 the kids. That lasted for a minute, but even when he does she suddenly is working late as well and can't take them. When She first dumped them on me, she had majority custody because the youngest was 1 and a half years old. She would leave them with me, he would fly out of town for two weeks of the month, and she refused to come and get them. I didn't want to cause contention so I Just dealt with it. I stopped telling the kids she was coming because she would say she'd be there after work at 5:30, then call and make it 7, and then call and tell me to keep them. They would get so sad, and they were so confused. They started calling me Mom (I didn't encourage them to) because they never saw her. I took them to get rampant staph infections treated. One night she took them back only to call me the next morning and ask me to watch them again. Turned out the baby had an ear infection. I was the one rocking him all night. This continued until this year. I was always the one to get them medical care. The schools just called me if they were ill or injured. When the youngest fell and slashed his face and knocked out his permanent front tooth they called her (knowing how severe it was) and they told her and she instructed them to call me! My H got a protective order against her and it was converted to a LIFETIME restraining order. That said, it took me 9 months of dealing with her to realize she was a complete liar, who would rather party than be a mom and is looking to make money through marriage. To everyone else she is the perfect little brunette god fearing, chaste Mommy. They don't get to see things like I have. They don't know what it's like for the oldest to sneak her new IPad to our house and is not know until I'm walking by and see him looking at a screen image of a woman in black lingerie with her eye make-up smeared from sex and jump and yell at what are you looking at only to realize it's a picture of his BM. They don't see the four year old exclaiming that his Mommy's sex offender meal ticket "hurt his bum" and then fight for four years to keep him away because Mom first agrees to a Restraining order, and then fights (while lying about her relationship) about it in court. One minute she didn't even really know him, next their engaged, next their friends, next their dating, next their broken up. Whatever suited her situation at the time. All the while they leave and come back exhibiting behavior consistent with sexual assault victims. Then one day they start asking "Did he really go to jail before?" "He just hurt me once, but he's actually kind of nice when we play cars." Then when it finally gets to the courts and a risk assessment is done for Moms BF we are not included in the discussion (except for one twenty minute phone call) and the oldest says he thought Moms BF was a great guy until I told him that he'd done stuff in his past. Yep, she managed to twist the whole thing back on me and convince the kids nothing ever happened. She convinced one person, and now uses that one person to tell everyone that I am the evil one. Soap operas couldn't write the crap I live with. H and BM allowed me (even pushed me) to love these kids, and because they were in harms way I spend years helping care and fight for them, and it turns out that while I did keep them safer for four years, I am now demonized for it. BTW, the minute he was allowed access to the kids, she decided they should break up again so he is not part of the custody evaluation. Of course it could also be because she is now working at a place that rents temporary housing to young doctors. The only thing she ever liked about her ex when asked in court was that he was a great businessman who owned his own business and made a great living. Igh
Kes
Thank you for your response!!!! Though not what I wanted to hear, just having someone out there to talk to about this makes me feel better! I have been alone with this for six years. To make matters worse I have only ever had two partners so learning to cope with exes has been really difficult for me. Thank you thank you!!!
Welcome to steptalk. I am
Welcome to steptalk. I am sorry you are having such a horrible time with crazy these people have brought into your life.
My situation was different, but it was also a feeling of unhinged crazy where I wanted to run away because of the circus my life had become. I was basically on the verge of becoming an emotional wreck.
The one thing that brought me to my senses, and I see it in your writing, was the impact on my child. You wrote: I want our 2 little ones to have a different life.
It is going to be up to you to demand and enforce those changes you want for you and your children. No one is going to do it for you. You are going to have to find the strength and courage to deal with these people in an appropriate manner to get the changes you need for you and your children. One thing you need to realise is that those changes may come with or without your husband - painful to contemplate. However, your children do deserve better, If you won't do it for you, do it for them.
Please don't take this the
Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need therapy.
What is it in you or your upbringing that has allowed this to happen in your life? I grew up with a narc mom and an alcoholic dad and it was really clear to me that my needs didn't matter at all and I was selfish to even have wants. I ended up married to a guy who reinforced that. Through therapy I was able to see things differently. And I now have a partner who treats me really well. It doesn't mean I don't struggle from time to time with overgiving in other relationships, but it allowed me to pick a partner who makes my home life loving and wonderful.
Therapy may not fix your relationship. But it can give you tools and techniques to let you assert your own needs and be able to say no as well as the self-confidence to know that you do need to address your own needs.
I wish you luck.
Sounds like a rough situation
Sounds like a rough situation, but you are going to hear from us that the only person you can change is YOU - and you are allowing them to treat you as an indentured servant. You can change that TODAY, but not without significant conflict and drama erupting in your life, are you prepared for that? And it won't just come from BM, but from your MIL and your H (I don't see that he deserves a Dear in front of his name) as well.
Can I ask you an honest
Can I ask you an honest question out of curiosity?
How do you stand being around these dysfunctional people?
Reading your blog has left me feeling traumatised!
Anybody would be overwhelmed in your situation.
The people around you do not seem to be healthy in any mature, emotional or functional way.
YOU are allowing this chaos around you.
YOU need to change it.
It may bring more upheavel, but any progress for the better is what you and your little ones need.
Please contact a therapist or a woman's shelter for information about what resources are available to help you.
No one deserves to live like this.
Least of all you.
Six years is a long time to
Six years is a long time to put up with this nonsense.
Stand up to these people, for yourself and for your kids. If your husband does not respect you enough to hear you out and support you and your needs, then you need to make a choice.
Unless your husband stands up to the BM and his mother, it will not get better. And, honestly, I doubt that he will or he would have been doing it already. Insead, he threw you to the wolves from the get go.
One way to make yourself not
One way to make yourself not indentured servitude is to make your house a licensed inhome daycare. now hear me out before you say no, The licensor will be in control of the BM's after that. You are only allowed a certain number of kids in the home, you will have strict regulations, and you will get paid! The skids will be counted as that number total, so Bm's will have to register them with your daycare, you will get paid when BM and DH are gone, (you can just bill BM's child care subsidy by pushing numbers into an automated system at the end of the month) BM would have to sign skids in and out to get you to watch them, follow rules, give you control and athoity as a childcare provider, and best thing is, you are no longer the bad guy, the State licensor is.
If your H's head is in the
If your H's head is in the sand it will NEVER get better. You are not powerless! You have options: either you leave this toxic marriage or you stay. You don't allow ANYONE like your H, BM, or MIL to dictate what you do or don't do. You don't owe the step kids anything and your H is the one that has to parent and take responsibility for his children. He's basically using you as a live in babysitter.
Listen to your intuition, do some soul searching and if its telling you to leave than run! You and your babies deserve a stable nontoxic environment. Love them enough to leave this situation and take care of you.
By the way your H really knows how to pick them huh. Not one crazy BM but two......*crazy*
I must say, there are very
I must say, there are very few posts I read where I think, this is a total mess that I'm not sure there is a solution to...but I'm leaning towards that answer on yours. Probably not what you wanted to hear. These BM's are never going to go away (well, unless they go to prison or OD, which is actually a viable option in your case, but let's pretend that won't happen for the purposes of this response). Your DH just thinks you should handle everything? Unreal. I would seriously consider if you want to deal with this for the rest of your life. If you do, may I suggest:
1) Learning the word NO. Use it often, don't waver.
2) Telling your DH that things are going to change around here. And then tell him what you will no longer be doing for his kids (i.e. the things HE will be doing from now on)
3) Getting the Custody agreement in order, and STICK TO IT. None of this, "take the kids, wait, I want them back" nonsense from a meth'd-out purse-snatching BM. You have a custody schedule, you follow it, and unless someone lost a limb and absolutely cannot care for that child, you don't take the kids just because BM wants to dump them on you. And she doesn't get them on your time.
This is just a hot mess right now, and it will continue to be that way unless you leave or get some structure in place. Good luck!
You've allowed other people
You've allowed other people to suck you into their problems and dysfunction. Your entire post is filled with other people's problems. But let's talk about you first.
Do you have children of your own? Your own interests? Do you work outside your home, have hobbies, other sources of fulfillment? How much time do you have to devote to developing and bettering yourself?
Why is there an order of protection against BM1? Does your H discuss and make decisions with you, or did he unilaterally decide to cut BM out of his kid's lives? Did you encourage or agree to any of this? We really need more info, but certainly your H should not have custody of his kid's if he isnt around to care for them.