Showing 20yr old ss who is boss at home??
hi all, since hubby is admitting and learning how to deal with his failure parenting his 3 kids with ex but trying to address whatever guilt he has and to work towards no more being a disney dad or yes dad type, my issue is the concept of repercussions and follow through.
Now when i married hubby he had already had the house just built but since marrying him 4 yrs ago and beig the stay at home mum, i do most of the cleaning, running of the household/grocery shopping etc except ss room. I do not enter there, its a mess, smells of mould etc and dusty as hell. He is at university but comes back ever few weeks for the weekend or mid semester breaks etc and locks himself in there all day and noght playing computer games on pc and ps4 apart from sleeping. Comes out to dump his trash, wash his dirty plates, cutlery and cups or to go out and but junk food because he can’t and its an inconvenience to make a bowl of cereal or sandwich
so this got me thinking, am i justified to now just remove his pc from his bedroom (the one hubby bought for him), lock it in the spare car, hide the keys and when he’s back home and goes psycho aggro about it, that hubby simply says his privilege of having a pc in his room has been removed until further notice. He will gain the privilege back when he shows respect for the other members of this household, behaves as a decent human being with manners and appreciation of other members of this household, shows respect to his father (who works his arse off everyday and comes home 9-10pm every weeknight, cleans up his room so it is spotless and free of dust, mould smell and floor tiles scrubbed and mopped clean and his bathroom. If the above are not done and maintained consistently then privileges for his pc or bedroom door are removed
when hubby sees his adult son again being a drama king and threatening to move out of home, hubby has enough ammo and reality check to say he’s being a ridiculous immature brat and its this behaviour that assures hubby he needs help and discipline and to accept that he cannot treat people this way or his dad any longer like this as he’s being bloody selfish.
So should i remove pc from ss room now while hubby is at work, lock it in our spare car till further notice and hide the keys??? This kid needs to be pushed and given a good kick up the arse. Hubby feels while ss is still studying fulltime that he is allowed to live at home with us in between breaks etc. Or should i be asking permission from hubby first to do this to ss or should it be generally accepted that this too is my home, a home i care and primarily maintain for, and as a stepparent that hubby has automatically asserted the right to meto discipline kids as i see fit for bad unacceptable behaviour in our household irrespective of biology
then if ss smashes hubbys brand new 8 seater car or threates me verbally or physically, he is warned in advance that cops will be called to remove him from home. He needs to get the living daylights shocked into him...
Oh and when ss does a whole sob story
that he needs his pc to study for uni which clearly i know is absolute BULLSHIT!!! Hubby should calmly be able to say that he has a laptop to do work on and any research or internet access he needs beyond his mobile internet, he can go to an internet cafe or library for just to cover bases. If hubby isn’t sure how to respond to ss when he’s at work, he can message me for reassurance on what to do.
i don’t want this coming out like i’m controlling hubby but he’s clueless how to discipline or make sure what basic expectations are here and how to enforce it. So he needs training despite the fact he had strict parents growing up and was raised the complete opposite from how his kid was raised
Hubby just gave me the go ahead
so tomorrow while ss is still at uni and won’t be home a few more weeks, pc will be locked in car, cleaning products, brushes, cloths etc will be placed in a bucket in his room. When he next comes home he will be given ultimatum by dad room is spick & span spotless, all surfaces wiped down, no dust or mould/ mould smell, bathroom cleaned etc and if not done by that time, his bedroom door will be removed by hubby following day and he will be informed this in advance will be a consequence.
Him acting like home is a pit stop/resort will no longer be. If he threatens us physically/verbally cops will be called. If he chooses to leave when told pc is confiscated and go straight back to uni, no biggie.
i told hubby the fact our 2 toddlers play with the vacuum cleaner to clean the floors, put dirty laundry in washing machine or help pass clean laundry to hang ok the clothes line at 1.5 & 3 yr olds is so far more advanced than his 20yr old son with ex.
Anytime ss tries to guilt hubby, think of our youngest and what they are doing already. Lets wait for the fireworks. I will post here once “D Day” arrives and what happens. Hopefully this is a good kick up the arse for hubby and ss
All I can do is comment on
All I can do is comment on what if it was me.
but, the drama is out. Threats of moving out ? Back them bags. I don’t like drama.
‘I guess hiding in his stink cave is on him. To me, silence is golden when it comes to anything step here.
‘I know one thing if his butt graduates I’d be packing his stuff somewhere and I’d have the room cleaned with a padlock on thee door .
‘I think with SS here I let him spend the night once. But same her my SS stinks, I mean he doesn’t take a shower. I can’t stand being near him. I mean how are they going to respect anyone’s standards about clean if they don’t respect themselves enough to shower, shave and wash their clothing. I’ve had to roll the window down in the car. And I have a new car now , he’s not allowed in it ever. Yuck
Yeah that makes total sense
ss puts his clothes in washing machine and it’ll be a full load (level 10 of water) but sets it to level 3. Washing comes out and smells awful of soury god knows what. I was preggers with bubs #2 and couldn’t stand it and told hubby to smell.
Straight away hubby demanded he come out of his room remove clothes off the clothes line and rewash again as full load of water with a shitload of soap, finally smelt fine.
He loves hanging laundry on leather sofa that now has mould spots forming. He even decided to do laundry and hang it on leather sofa literally 20mins before hubbies family were coming over for a bbq. Hubby came out from shower and told him off where are people gonna sit? Stepson looked at hubby so confused.
i guess my point is ss has no respect of others and we need to make life understandable to him that these are basic standards/expectations in any household, if he doesn’t like it theres the door.
hubby agreed it was time he needed to sit ss down and set the rules straight and enforce them and any repercussions without any guilt. He was supposed to come home this weekend and hubby said he was gonna be respectful and acknowledge others and actually spend time caring for our 2 kids for 30-45 mins in the afternoon on weekends. There was no response from him whatsoever except to tell dad he needed to pay his phone bill. He was sulking about hubby telling him off. Hubby just went along with life as usual like it was no biggie.
hubby said ss is in 3rd trimester and busy with exams so once exams are over he will address. I will not allow that to be an excuse for not confiscating his pc or enforcing these rules. We aren’t demanding the world or something unreasonable, just basic expectations any person would expect. Ss makes it like he’s gonna die. If hubby uses university as an excuse, i will ask him so what are our kids supposed to just accept this as normal behaviour and put up with it??? HELL NO!!
Clearly you have a husband
Clearly you have a husband problem. He didn't teach is son how to clean.. how to do laundry.. none of it.. the boy tries to do things.. but since he was never taught the right way to do it.. he makes mistakes. It's a bit unfair for you to be punishing him for things that his dad never expected or taught him.
Your husband obviously doesn't care enough to do better.. so guess you and your other kids are going to suffer for his lack of parenting.. attack the REAL problem and fix it.. and that is your husband's lazy parenting.
Hubby has taught him these basic things like laundry
Even showed son, asked him to come right next to him and explained how its done properly, it just goes through one ear and out the other or ss is just like “yeah yeah yeah i know” when he doesn’t know and hubby will force him to listen and watch what he’s trying to explain.
ss expects its ok to behave like this, be inconsiderate of others. Even had him take our washing out mid cycle just so he could push in and wash his that he left in washing machine for ages not checking the cycle as it was a manual one that you had to restart after each wash/rinse cycle, it got taken out and put in a bucket and hours later told to finish washing his clothes by his aunt while on holiday at hubbys family home.
he has been told multiple times the basic expectations we have at home of him in regards to chores and cleaning and interacting with others, he makes excuses, he says yeah yeah yeah then ignores and never does what he’s told. We’ve all had enough so rules and repercussions are in place till he learns
there will be no more well you never told me or taught me. Yes we did many times but you disrespectfully ignored and never did what was asked. This is perfectly fair punishment for him i believe
hubby is getting better at addressing his guilt and follow through. I have told him he can’t have an attitude that he doesn’t want any drama having to deal with stepsons behaviour and any follow through because that is unacceptable. Its not a way to live. There is still a long way for hubby to come but he is working towards progress, things won’t change overnight but ss needs to see and understand we mean what we say and its not all talk and no action
No way. Gah , no. Hanging
No way. Gah , no. Hanging clothes all over nice furniture, no way. Gah.
that 1 x SS came over dh had to wash his clothes bc he stunk. And since this ss is in college too , dh offered our machine. But honestly, he likes stinking so he never did wash. And I’m ok, with that bc I don’t want his stink stuff here. I mean you can’t change them, they are who they are. I will not ever allow SS or SD to live here ever. Can’t , won’t
I wouldn’t put up with none of it. Nope nope ...
Lol its disgusting isn’t it
we had it happen so many times last yr and hubby had enougj. Its disgusting that he washes dirty clothes, puts his dirty running shoes in washing machine (yup shoes that have stepped in poo or cat piss) and i have to wash pur baby clothes there too.... nope not happening. That eventually got addressed.
I'm a little confused.. what
I'm a little confused.. what is the "repurcussion" for? What has he specifically done (or not done) that he has been told he needs to do.. has he been warned. "If you don't do X you will lose your PC privileges in the home"?
On the face of it, I see your intended action as a random aggressive shot across his bow.. designed to alienate the boy from his home. What are his father's ideas? It sounds like dad is just fine with son maintaining a space in his home while he is in school. He also doesn't expect you to clean his son's room.
Has anyone told him he needs to clean it? Has anyone showed him HOW to clean it? This is something your DH should be doing WITH his son. "Hey... this afternoon, you and I are going to clean up your room.. i will help show you what needs to be done. The room has gotten pretty bad and it's not healthy to allow the mold in the home.. and attracting of rodents or bugs is a risk we don't want" His dad needs to tell him that it is a privilege that he has a room in the home.. and in exchange.. he must maintain it in a clean and orderly manner.
But.. in all of this.. I am getting the feeling that dad doesn't care like you do.. all you are going to do is set up a situation where this boy resents YOU.. and in the end.. that will cause more problems in your home than you may realize now.
If dad is truly fed up with how the room is being kept.. he needs to set up the actions/consequences. I don't think giving random consequences "BEFORE" the expectation is set is fair to the boy. I know.. he should be taking care of his room.. but obviously.. neither your husband or his mother were good enough parents to instill this need in him to date.. your suggesting a radical punishment with no lead up isn't fair.
Yes, I agree. Why isn't his
Yes, I agree. Why isn't his father taking any action? Why are you taking such dramatic action? Seems like a discussion of expectations from his father should come first.
I personally would not do this to my skid - I'd push DH to do it, and if DH refused, I'd decide whether I could stay in the relationship.
I discussed the above with hubby first how ss is
Still refusing to accept the basic standards and rules of this home despite being told, shown and reminded multiple times. He knows how to use a vacuum cleaner, do laundry properly, clean his room, he just chooses to prioritise playing his ps4 and computer day and night and not do chores.
hubby leaves for work at 6.30-7am and is back around 9-10pm every workday and weekends he has many work functions to attend to because of his position. We discussed the reality of consequences and repercussions before if ss didn’t listen and chose to not do what was expected of him at home and so while hubby is at work most of the day, it would mostly fall on me to remove the pc (a quick job).
hubby will be explaining what was done (removal of pc) if he doesn’t do said chores by the time limit given, he is notified in advance door will be removed as a repercussion of not doing chores and other behavioural expectations, if he tells dad he has done said chores and he is taking tomorrow off, hubby is telling him no that there are chores everyday. If he refuses and threatens to leave because he’s being expected to do chores, he will be told he will not threaten again and will be made to leave home.
hubby is away most of the day and night because of his job and is used to coming home doing some chores himself but never seen daily what goes on with his kid.
hubby will be doing the talking and enforcing of repercussions to his son, not me. If ss asks while hubby is at work, i will repeat what was said and demanded of ss.
He has been told before many times
Regarding chores and cleaning his room, being considerate of others, acknowledging others and he will say yeah yeah yeah but ends up not doing it or he does it once and then refuses to do it. Hubby is constantly telling him, reminding him, explaining to him how him not doing this affects others, how his behaviour affects others.
So he will come home to no pc and will need to earn that provilege back. Hubby past 2 weeks has been constantly telling him whilst he was staying at university dorms what is expected of him at home and what he can and can’t do etc, he chose to be silent and sulk or threaten dad with running away.
the expectations have been explained multiple times, he has refused to accept. So we won’t warn him in advance pc is being confiscated. He will come home and be told he needs to earn those privileges back.
ss resents me and our kids for purely existing in daddies life already.
You keep saying "we won't
You keep saying "we won't warn him".. etc.. that is not entirely accurate as far as I can tell. YOU are making a unilateral decision to punish him and make him "earn" things back. you want to take the PC and lock it up while your husband is at work. this is 100% your preemptive strike against SS.. because you want him to know who is boss.. (hint.. it's not your husband.. it's you who wants to be showing who is boss).
I think that the proper and most fair way to deal with this is to have his father sit him down and explain the "house rules". put them down in a contract for them both to sign.. and in the contract.. there will be consequences.. first offense.. warning.. 2nd offense.. removal of PC and internet priviledges .. third offense.. X etc...
It's clear you are at a boiling point of frustration and no one is blaming you for wanting your home to be clean.. but your husband has gone on for a long time with this kid without giving him any consequence.. and NOW.. right before his finals at school is probably as poor of a time as you could probably pick to try to force a confrontation over all of this. Please have a reasonable discussion with your husband about this.. the fact that despite reminders that the same issues happen.. and ask him what consequences HE feels are reasonable.. and that finals at school aren't an excuse for the boy to not be more respectful in the home.. but it's got to be baby steps.. at least the kid seems to at least "try" to do things like laundry.. even if he eff's them up a little bit.
Hubby and ss are asian
The western way signing a contract, sitting him down for therapy etc doesn’t work. When hubby tries to address things with ss at home he is walking off to his bedroom saying he doesn’t need to hear it and he knows but doesn’t do it or claims he does it all the time when he clearly never or rarely ever does it.
Hubby is forced to message him multiple times to the point they are fighting and arguing and often hubby is addressing things on his own because he can see when he’s come home what ss hasn’t done and what mess he has made while i have been flat out dealing with 2 toddlers or then a newborn.
its not about me being boss, its about ss understanding he doesn’t dictate or control us which is what he has been doing all this time.
this isn’t a unilateral decision, i actually discussed with hubby because the past fortnight, me and hubby we have gone back and forth how to address these things with ss and this is a suggestion i made because hubby is struggling how or what he can do to try address things. We have done the nice polite way far too long and he’s taken us for a ride.
hubby actually agreed this was a great idea as he has told ss that he is too long on his computer and games and locks himself in bedroom in seclusion and treats like we all do not exist until he needs something and that needs to stop, the game/computer time needs to stop, its unacceptable and ss simply ignored hubby despite hubby asking many times and by the way, hubby has explained previously that these things he has, are a privilege he got that hubby bought for him.
I agree with the above two
I agree with the above two comments- giving him no warning about locking up his stuff is unfair- unless you have used it as a threat in the past and it got you nowhere. Also I agree that it shouldn't be your idea- because then all the flack will fall on you, including any from DH.
Years ago I was having problems with my teenage son-so after a few warnings I hid his playstation (or equivalent) somewhere he couldn't find it . I then came home to find he had hidden my computer in the basement!! That was the point at which I realised things weren't working, sent him off to live with his dad and he never came back.
I can't see how doing this thing helps him keep his room tidy- I have a feeling things will just get a whole lot worse...
Hubby has agreed its fair to tell him in advance of him coming
Come for breaks. Usually he will message hubby today and say i’m coming home or give a day or twos notice. Hubby will tell him then what has been done. I have told hubby he can even tell him now that pc has been removed and as per many times being requested of him to do these basic things he has refused, this is a repercussion. A PC his dad bought for him was a privilege that he’s not appreciated.
Hubby has discussed various repercussions with his son before and all son did was threaten him and make bullshit excuses. They’re empty threats because he’s learned via bio mum how to guilt and play his dad. Hubby has told me the issues he’s had, what he’s told his son and his attitude and response after.
hubby will also be telling his son clearly that he has had his pc & monitor removed from the room until further notice. He won’t be saying i removed it or it was my idea (because thats throwing me under the bus).
we have tried so many times to calmly and firmly address with ss the various issues but he has ignored, answered back and refused, he doesn’t deserve to be given a chance further and be told “look mate you gotta do A B & C or we’re removing the pc/monitor and your bedroom door if not done”, he is simply being told “as a result of all the various attitudes/behaviour/lack of chores that you have consistently refused to do/participate in, i have removed your pc/monitor that i bought for you, when you come home you will be given till noon the following day to clean your bedroom amd bathroom (it will be clearly itemised and specified what needs to be done and the various mould/dust issues and mess in his room), if you choose to refuse to do it, i will be removing your bedroom door. If you threaten me again to run away from home, you will be shown the door and asked to leave and reflect on your choices/attitude and behaviour and apologise before coming back home”.
things have gotten worser no matter what hubby tries to do and home just doesn’t feel like home for me, our kids and hubby. Ss knows it and has told his dad he couldn’t care less. Its really upset hubby and he’s struggled to handle things any further or what fo do. So this is what happens.
I’m surprised so many here feel ss should be given some slack, he’s had 4 years to address this, we aren’t demanding unreasonable things, just basic stuff he knows how to do, can do but chooses not to do because he wants to be boss at home having eveyone run around catering to him.
He has had 4 years of being
He has had 4 years of being shown that his behavior was acceptable.. and years before that where he was also told it was acceptable and had little guidance on how to behave. (remember your husband is virtually absent from early am till late pm). He raised him to be like this.
While I know you feel that SS has had ample chances.. I'm fairly certain that your DH backing him into a corner with no way of him moving forward with a positive spin.. is not going to work out well. Sure.. it might accomplish your goal and the kid might actually become estranged from his dad.. but if that happens.. your DH will be sure to blame it all on you. and you are likely to find yourself splitting your children's time with your "ex" husband.
It is a little bit like letting a dog pee on the floor for it's whole life then start beating the crap out of him when he does what he has always done.. the underlying message is lost and all the kid will focus on is the unfairness..
If you and your DH want your SS to start acting like an adult.. treat him like one.. not like a 12 year old you are trying to "ground"
Before i even married hubby
He was told and expected to do these basic things in their apartment. When hubby told him we were gerting married and moving to the house a year after we married, that had just been built and that he expected ABC, step son nodded and said ok. He just chose not to do it, claim it was my job as a woman to do it, had even hubbys family tell him off it was not my job as a woman to do all this.
hubby is ok with his son living at home while he studies until he gets a job but has explained the basic expectations. Even in the apartment we lived in hubby addressed ss behaviour issues and attitude and he ignored and as usual made excuses for it
so no its not like you say he has had 4 years to be taught his behaviour was perfectly acceptable
when ss was at school after divorce, hubby always picked him up and dropped him off to school, would tell him what needed to be done etc. Its not like this is a new thing created just because i married hubby
its the same usual shit that happens from selfish self centred stepkids that bio parents and stepparents and step/half siblings have had enough of.
No... he literally has gotten
No... he literally has gotten away with it.. zero consequences. your husband hasn't been around enough (based on that work schedule) to truly monitor and work with his son on a regular basis. the kid gets told one thing.. and it's never enforced.. no specific consequences were ever given.. no escalating consequences.. etc.
I think it might be reasonable to cut off internet access so he isn't "distracted" while he straightens up his room. but going in and removing the PC.. seems a bit too much for something he has been conditioned to believe is no big deal.. I mean no one has done anything about it for 4 years or more.
The pc is something his dad bought
Hubby has every right to take that privilege back
i agree hubby hasn’t been around long enough with his work hours to be objective and past few months will message me at work asking has ss done this this and this and when its no no no, hubby contacts ss to tell him what needs to be done.
Hubby has been afraid to be firmer, stricter as he’s afraid to lose ss. His exwife kidnapped their 2 daughters 6 years ago and cut off all contact, the daughters only intiated contact 4 months ago so hubby has lived his life terrified of losing his kids anymore
hubby doesn’t want to argue with ss at home where our toddlers are present and can see/hear so he does it in private away from me.
where we live its only internet from our mobile phones and ss has a mobile phone so his sisters and mum/dad can contact him. Thats difficult to confiscate
ss is glued night and day to his computer and ps4, hubby has seen it and tried to address it, the only way we see getting results is that he loses the privilege of the 1 main thing he survives on, pc & ps4. When the power goes this kid is fidgeting like a drug addict suffering withdrawal symptoms and calls his dad every 20-30 mins asking when power will come back on when it was off barely 90mins, thats not normal, maybe normal for a computer addict.
its not healthy and hubby knows it and has explained that to ss that its not more important than his family
.
It's clear that you want to
It's clear that you want to show SS who is boss. You said it in the very first part of your post.. you are trying to force a blow up.. so your husband will finally "see what I have been saying about him all this time is true.. your son is a horrible person". I think you are hoping this creates a big enough rift that the boy doesn't ever come back to your home.
It sounds like he has been less than a model citizen in the home.. but this isn't about laundry and his room.. this is about control and showing someone who has the "power" in the household.
I'm afraid you aren't very likely to get the response you expect from either your SS or his father.
No its not about showing or telling ss that i’m bossaddressing
he’s so self centred and lacks any compassion or empathy and believes the whole world revolves around him, to serve him. That needs to stop, many times hubby has told me how he struggles to do it, how to cope, that this isn’t happy for him and how guilty he feels when our own kids want nothing to do with self centred brat thats meant to be their half brother
yes hubby and the bio mum are responsible for breeding and raising him to be this way but its unhealthy to be expected to tolerate this
the point of my post is to show ss he no longer rules the roost thinking he is above the law, that he’s more special than everyone else in this home that we all drop everything to accomodate him when he’s been inconsiderate
unlike you esmod, my husband has agreed far too long with the various issues of ss and its not like you pretty much saying i’ve poisoned my hubbys mind into thinking it. He feels guilty enough for raising kids with ex in their previous mess of a marriage or lack of a healthy marriage relationship and wanted with all good intentions to settle down and have kids with me and hope he could do a better job and manage his kids with ex behaviour and attitude etc. Its not easy addressing this and hubby has gone through so much which i assume you as a stepmum haven’t been in? Because if you had, your views would be different if you’d been in crossfires of a divorce,- threatening/manipulative/abusive ex, one who kidnapped your 2 girls for nearly 6 years and abandoned contact with your son and broke you down emotionally/physically and mentally
for alot of stepparents, stepkids do lack compassion/empathy because they’ve often grown up in the crossfires of bio parents fighting it out in court and at home and then resent both parents moving on. They’ve usually grown up seeing a parent guilt and scheme their way to get what they want and follow through with this behaviour
they may have accepted in their heads that the rude disrespectful uncaring behaviour they do is acceptable and tell others its their fault for them being this way. Wrong!!! They chose to behave this way seeing the bad behaviour around them. They know right and wrong but they see the benefits in their mind of continuing this unacceptable behaviour at the detriment of others.
They may be upset mummy and daddy married, had more kids or stepkids into the extended family and feel no one asked how they felt (my husband did and made sure they knew he loves them very much but he had no choice he couldn’t be married to their mum anymore as her behaviour was unacceptable), stepkids may think mummy and daddy never asked for permission to marry someone and as free people they have a right to move on with life as do the kids. There should be no guilting or blaming saying why do things change suddenly because you are married? Things change because circumstances have changed, family dynamics have changed and for a stepkid to get a free pass purely because he did what he always did pre divorce or pre marriage to the new spouse means they live in the past instead of accepting they are in the present working towards the future. People living in the past don’t succeed in life, they fail to launch, fail miserably at motivation to grow and move on with life and work towards a positive outcome, these characteristics often follow through into the workplace
Well.. I do hope you are
Well.. I do hope you are right and your husband 100% holds the same thoughts as you. It just seems like since he has neglected to do much to fix things in the first 22 years.. that this big showdown now is probably not going to get the result that everyone hopes for.
And.. no, I don't expect you to put up with abuse from anyone.. but this issue has been a problem with this kid from long before you were with his dad. It's clear that dad felt he couldn't set many boundaries out of fear of losing his son.. but in the process, he has created a "man-boy" that isn't mature and isn't able to properly take care of himself, his posessions and isn't a civil member of the household to boot. The kid is only behaving the way he was allowed to behave. Your DH is going to have an uphill battle over all of this IMHO
I get all that. I see same
I get all that. I see same with SS here. And you know if that your house you let dh know it changes now. I think giving a set date for SS to get his own shack is perfect . But another good point is SS is not a minor . Grounding of computer is not necessary. Like someone said he’s not a child.
‘I understand about loosing contact with a child. I really do first handed. But, sounds like the ex created that. So, he must loose the past. He can’t go back. And of course, you feel sorry for him.
i just know there would not be many chances for my SS. Different set of circumstances here but I’m done with his crazy matrix stank butt. Nobody is going to ruin my peace at home. Nobody is going to pop pacifiers in the steps mouths
your dh is ignoring the fact you matter too. I think that guilt is overriding what he needs to do with son. Same here dh and guilt. Like I told dh it’s too late to reparent these adults. Him and hell hound did fight in front them. The spawn do know how to manipulate the two of them, they do know their entitled, and I do believe in every ounce of blood in me that thrive for drama and control. His hell hound ex is controlling, is a drama queen the spawn even said so, she’s a total loone, they learn from the best .
‘Just the sight of either step here makes my heart race. There’s no way I could would live with them.
Hubby feels grounding of the computer his necessary
Ss is addiced to it to the point he cares about no one, interacting with anyone and being a member of this household. Hubby agrees if he wants to reside here that he becomes an active member of our household (otherwise he has to have the “or else” talk).
My hubby said that his son is entitled to still live at home till he’s on his feet, hubby sees that as his duty as his dad (guilt because of how he was originally parented) but i have told hubby that can’t happen with current behaviour, not when we have 2 little kids together seeing all this bad behaviour, being terrified to be around him.
recently hubby tood his son with ex he would be made to watch our 2 kids alone for a half hour each saturday and sunday. Hell no will i leave our kids alone with him, they’d be traumatised. He has shown continually that he cannot be trusted and couldn’t give s shit.
Unfortunately because both hubby and ss are asian and living in an asian country, western concept of signing a contract, sitting him down to talk rarely works. They only listen and take notice to change when the stuff they love that was bought for them by their parents are taken away.
hubby has many times cried over this, over his son with ex’s behaviour and disrespect to hubby and painting mum on a pedestal despite abandoning him. He doesn’t acknowledge what hubby has tried to do. Just guilts him everytime saying he is this way because if hubby (that excuse can’t last forever), he is responsible for his own actions and inaction
Ma'am--what do you want.
Ma'am--what do you want. Maybe you are here just to vent. I totally get that. However YOU have an answer for everything AND you have made excuses here on ST for A) your husband and
your adult ss
It seems like everyone is holding onto eachothers waists...and your SS is the one in the front. Chuggling along like your at a dance. Your ss is driving this train. PICTURE it for one or two seconds....la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So, either you put UP with ss and do not say another word and hire a maid hubby payts for OR you tell your husband IF SS doesnt find his own 1bedroom place to live by Jan 1 2019 , YOU will find a condo HE pays for YOU to move into. Your place will not be in the junky part of town either.
Your solution that i move into a condo that hubby pays for is
running away from the problems and not addressing it
no wife should be expected to move out of her home and hubby inconvenienced to pay for it as unnecessary waste of money because that marriage won’t survive living in 2 homes and hubby forced to pick sides who he lives with purely because of an inconsiderate rude illmannered undisciplined self centred child/adult.
Being expected to shut my mouth and deal with it and live this current way is no way any parent or stepparent should live.
I haven’t made excuses for my husband and ss. Some here have justified ss behaviour and poor him its so unfair he needs to have these repercussions in place and not be warned in advance (but he is warned many times), even hubby said he behaves like a child on purpose instead of an adult purely to get away with everything and get what he wants and it needs to stop.
To allow ss behave this way and use as justification and an excuse that he wasn’t parented properly before so its pointless to address things now if he wants to live at home with us is not an excuse he can use forever
people grow everyday due to changes in family circumstances, living situation, age, career, location move, education and a million gazillion other things. If ss is told he can be like this forever, will this mean he is excused behaving the same way when married?
Oh, Boy have I been here...
I normally lurk but I had to make an account. I feel your pain. I inherited a version of your SS 10 years ago. I was gobsmacked at the stuff he was allowed to get away with. He is much improved. But you can no longer take any shit.
If I was in your situation I would do the following:
Don't rely on your DH to be the enforcer. My SO was useless (and I mean that in a loving way). I knew I couldn't expect them to fix what they had helped break. I had to take the lead and still do. You don't have to be his friend but let him know you are there for him even if it doesn't seem like it right now. You want him to be successful in life and him maintaining his living space is a good start.
I recently had to give the SS a tune-up. My SO doesn't know what I said and doesn't want to know. They just like the results.