Welcome to the site!   Normally I would agree with your wife that partners should support each other and present a united front to kids, whosever they are.   However your wife has such a toxic attitude towards gayness that personally, I would not be able to tolerate that - and I don't blame your son for not wanting to come over.   She is condemning him for what he is at a very vulnerable point in his life where he has just taken the massive step of coming out.  I don't know if, in your shoes, I would be able to find a way forward unless your wife considerably moderates her stance. 

Your son did not choose his sexual orientation.
I did not choose my red hair.
There is no reason for either of us to hide it, because other people have a problem with it.

Your wife chose her faith and attitude.
If her version of "christianity" includes a judgmental ugly attitude, that is her choice.
Yours should be to stand by your son and protect him from your wife's toxic bull$h!t
I would never tolerate someone breaking down a child for authentically being who he is.
For me, this would be a deal breaker.

Send your son to live with his mother until this is sorted out. Gay teens are at much higher risk of suicide, and while the fact that you and his mother are supportive is a protective factor, he should not have to live with the emotional abuse he is getting from your wife.  He can visit every other weekend and only if you are with him 100% of the time, or even see him outside of the home.

That's the only way you can stay in this marriage and keep him in your home at all.

Frankly, I would be unable to respect her for both her abuse of your child and her fundamentalist views. 

I am so sorry to say it but she is ruining your marriage. I can't imagine how much all this hurts but you have to do what's right.

Maybe once she sees you're serious she will change? But i do doubt it.

I'm so sorry

Obviously this is not OK.  I will never understand why the newly religious, vegetarian, non-smoking, or political insist that everyone in their immediate area bend to their will.  But there is nothing quite like the recently converted!  If she wants to trade her marriage for her new beliefs there is nothing you can do about it.  You can easily protect your son by divorcing her but my concern is your daughter.  If she is not talking to you now, clearly she is being indoctrinated by your wife's bigoted beliefs.  That is not being an "amazing mother."  You have a problem there.  

People like your wife give bad rep to Christianity. What a shame 

Sir, With all due respect, your wife’s actions towards your son are abusive.  She is acting as judge, jury and executioner about something your son is, not something that he can change. She has successfully driven your son away from his home and his father for telling the truth about himself.  And it is a truth that has no effect on her.  What will your DW do when another one of your children disappoints her in some way?  These are not the actions of a wonderful mother, but the actions of a close minded bigot.  The ball is in your court as how to handle this mess, but the abuse of a dependent child is a very serious issue.

I think that pretty much everyone is telling you what I am going to say.  You cannot stay with a partner that is actively hurting your child.  I don't see how you can continue a relationship with a person who has basically made a judgement against your son for no other reason that he was not born heterosexual.  She is not only being intollerant, but unkind.   That is not a workable solution for you and your family.  If she is unwilling to apologize and support him as he is.. I think it's best if you do not share a home with her.

Religious people, ugh. They can be intolerant, judgemental  in the name of God. Spiritual people are kind and tolerant. It's unfortunate that her mother poisoned her loke that. I bet the spiritual woman you married is the one you love

Find as pro-dad an attorney that you can find, draw up an equitable custody arrangement with your daughter, and tell your wife to get packing. I'm sure someone from her church will allow her to couch surf while she gets herself stabilized.

Under NO circumstances should you move out or not have primary custody of your daughter. If you want a chance at a 50/50 custody split, your daughter cannot end up with your wife as her primary caregiver during your separation.

Seriously. Go get the paperwork drawn up. Serve her. Kick her out. Stop thinking of her as a "good" mother. No "good" mother condemns a child for something they cannot change. I doubt you would accept her telling your son he would go to hell for being left handed or having green eyes or whatever. Condemnation is NOT a quality anyone "good" has.

She's toxic, to your daughter, too. Kick. Her. Out. 

My SS14 came out as gay this year, and I could not imagine treating him this way, and I can't stand the kid. It has nothing to do with his orientation either. He's just an asshole. But I still wouldn't dream of doing this to him. Your wife really needs to talk to someone about her abusive behavior towards him. 

Did I read correctly that your 4 yo daughter hasn't spoken to you in a month? And yet you think your wife is a great mother to her?  Something is very wrong here.

You need to find the best pro-dad, father's rights divorce lawyer in your area and follow his advice.  Otherwise your relationships with both your son and your daughter are going to be ruined.  It sounds like the marriage is beyond hope.

Divorcing your wife is an option but it's really trading one set of problems for the another.  Do you really think that you and your son will magically reconcile if you leave your wife?  14 is an age where a lot is going on, hormones, identity, friends, drama. He's going to hate you and take things out on you regardless of your wifes religious stance. Your wife had an awful response but I can guarantee that it won't be the last ugliness he encounters from being gay. You can't protect him from hate and close minded people. He needs to learn how to face the real world and all the points of view out there.  

Your wife was a b*tch but to be fair she lost her mother and religion brought her solace.  If you want to stay married I would suggest having parallel relationships with your wife and son.  Don't expose them to each other. Your wife doesn't have to be a part of his life now and your son doesn't get to dictate who you are married to.  Get some counseling to help sort this all out, do it for yourself if your wife won't go.  Counseling is cheaper than divorce.    

Your wife may want to do a little more research on what it truly means to be a Christian.

There is no way I would put up with my spouse treating my child this way. Even if she doesn't agree with your son's life, it is not for her to judge, and out of love and respect for you, she should keep herself in check.

I am Catholic, not that my choice of faith matters however,  Your wife should  treat everyone with compassion. I am sorry 'her' faith has taught her to be cruel and ugly regarding your son who is gay.  

Sounds like you have a child with her. The worst decision dads make is leave the home without their children when they decide the marriage is unhealthy. I know this is about your son14...I have a feeling you 'got this", and you will  treat him with understanding and compassion as you always have.  What ever you do do not think you will have full or 50percent access to your little girl IF you walk out the door. You may get JOINT on paper but that only means joint decision making. Don't agree with wife leaving with your daughter either.

GoodLuck

that she will probably not get back. Not to enter into a religious debate, but people should treat others with kindness. I dont' think her enacting her own judgement on your son will help anything and it kind of makes her a hypocrit.

Whatever her reason, your wife has no just cause to treat your son the way she has. She is judging and condemning his sexual orientation when he is at a very impressionable age in his development. How you handle this will leave a lasting impact on your son for the rest of his life.

I could not be with someone who treats my child badly through no fault of his own. I would also be very concerned about the values your wife would instill in your young daughter if she has such harsh "biblical views". Is she going to condemn your daughter for wearing mixed fabric? Or for eating shellfish? If she is such a zealot, how comfortable is she being married to a divorced man? Isn't that unbiblical too? When is it your turn, or your daughter's turn to be in the religious firing line she has set up? 

If this is as result of her processing her Mom's death, through religion, then it is supposed to bring comfort to people, not judgment and criticism.It would be wise for your wife to speak to her priest or a therapist to deal with her issues in an appropriate manner. 

It sounds like you are indeed stuck between a rock and a hard place. A last ditch effort may to do some research on her church. Do they encourage these beliefs? If not and they are open to it, perhaps get a church counselor or official involved.  She may be more willing to listen to someone on “her side”. Even if they don’t “approve”, perhaps someone connected to the church can encourage a more “Christian” approach. 

My grandmother is an 87 year old hardcore Irish catholic... and every holiday she invites over our openly gay Filipino friend and his boyfriend.  She says it’s in God’s hands and she would be silly to assume she knows better than God.

As others have said on here, in the meantime I do think it’s best for your son to stay with your ex and you can arrange visitations limited to just you and him. Perhaps your ex would be willing to let you do counseling with your son also? It’s a lot for a kid to handle, but he needs to understand what is going on or the resentment will likely get worse.

wishing you and your family the best!

In order for Spouses to be a united front in raising the children in the marital home... they actually have to be united.  Your DW's Christian journey is naive at best and toxic at worst.  Fortunately she is early in that journey and may be able to temper her current immaturity as a Christian.  Hopefully she will find clarity and center up on a rational perspective rather than her irriational immature current hightly dogmatic perspective.

My son is gay.  So this is a part of life that my bride and I have navigated over the past 6 years since he came out to us at 20yo.  Like you feel about your son, he is our son, we support him.   Our only regret is that he did not share this with us when he was struggling through his teens with it.  

Far too often people who adopt a new religious perspective fail to keep their intellect engaged.  Like  your DW used to be, I am a spiritual person and not particularly religios.  I grew up internatially and have worked extensively all over the world and the common trait that I have found among the reasonable of any religious persuasion is maintaining contact with intellect and filtering religion through that itellect rather than buying in to the dogmatic elements of their relivion.

You have a tough journey to work through with your bride.  I would suggest finding an experienced and rational religious therapist who has worked with similar situations to help your family, particularly your wife, to tune up and tone down her dogmatic fundamentalist current perspective.

Good luck to you and your family.