DH and I have been together for ten years married for three. When we met I was widow with two kids, him divorced with two. We tried the blended family for many years until the skids were finally pas’d By BM and we rarely see them. DH seems them more they don’t want to see much of me and that is great. My issue is my 22 BD who has serious depression and anxiety so much so that I fear for her well being every day. This all started four years ago when she started college. So many doctors and therapists but nothing much helps. DH is angry now because I am currently financially supporting her. She cannot work and her health is a constant worry for me. Tonight DH left the house and is staying at a hotel because I brought BD home for a few days she was in the ER really ill. For me if I have to choose him or my sick daughter it will be her every time. He considers her lazy, and accused her of being on drugs and drinking. He has no clue about mental health issues and feels she is manipulating me just to get a free ride. She has been diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety, it runs in my family unfortunately. What would you do? I love them both but feel he is being an ass. In a way I can see his point of view her illness takes over my life and he feels left out at times. His other big beef is her small dog, an emotional support dog and he hates animals. Advice would be really appreciated!
Your daughter needs support that you cannot provide. She needs help, not Mommy paying her bills.
Have you looked into residential care? A halfway house? Roommates? Anything?
Depression and anxiety suck (my sister has both, and my mother is bipolar), but unless she is severe enough to need disability, she NEEDS to figure out how to adult with her illnesses. You coming to her rescue only enables her to not try.
I'm not unsympathetic. I'm really not. My mother and sister are both mentally ill, on meds, have threatened suicide, have done things to harm themselves physically/emotionally, etc. I really do understand. However, they both still work. My sister also goes to school. Despite their mental health, they still have to adult. And my sister only has 2 years on your daughter.
If this is truly temporary, then your SO is being an arse. If, however, you have been constantly helping her, you need to start helping her be independent. She isn't your SO's daughter, and he likely didn't marry you to take care of her in his golden years. So help transition her into independent living (or supervised living outside your home) or work with your DH to dissolve your marriage so that you can take care of her.
Depression and anxiety are difficult, but if she truly is unable to work or go to school, she needs to be in some sort of partial hospitalization or other day treatment program. Here we have programs for adults with mental illness, where they can go and learn skills, find jobs, get therapeutic support, etc.
I suspect you think she doesn't quite need THAT, but you also aren't pushing her to try to work or go to school (assuming she has not already graduated from college), even if it's only part-time at a super easy job. It's easy for young adults with anxiety and depression to "collapse back" and return home to be dependent on parents. She needs to be attending therapy regularly and doing her best to work and contribute to your home. Caring for her is one thing - rescuing her and enabling her is quite another.
I suspect your DH feels like many of the people on this board do when their skids return home - that they are being enabled and coddled by their bio parent. Be sure you aren't doing that- it really won't help her to get out of the anxiety and depression.
Look into your local Voc Rehab services---most large cities have them. Goal is independence for persons with all disabilities. Now I dont think you are that 'parent' who doesn't want their child to be self sufficient, correct? Some parents are like that. They get paid off mentally to keep their kid from being self sufficient. Happens with disabled kids.
Is is safe to assume you have met with her therapist who more likely than not has told you YOU can take ownership of her illness and YOU can not babysit her 24/7. Do not morph yourself into her by proxy. What you do or dont do will not change this. It's un healthy for you.
You can help her by taking her to appointments or putting gas IN her car to get to appointments. That is helping her...help her with 2months of light bill when she moves out (goal self sufficient)..or first months rent (dont co-sign anything).
IF she is not able to be left alone then neither YOU or husband are equipped to deal properly with her mental health crisis. NO one is unless they have a PhD.
***When will adults realize that some thing ARE bigger than they are. GET her in treatment where she can help herself, stabilized*** YOU cant fix this/or help right now. For all you know she may decide not to listen to Doctors recommendations. She doesnt have to.
**some situations are just too much for people. I must assume you and he has talked about you daughter for a long time. His moving out was his last resort I bet. **
Your daughter needs outside help that you can not give her. SEEK professional guidence....for their suggested how to best help your daughter.
The equity life partnership at the core of the family (blended or otherwise) is the superordinate priority for both partners. Kids never come before the spouse. Ever.
That said, minor children are the top marital responsibility for both partners. Adult children... are not. In the case of an ill adult child the partners need to work it out. However, both have veto rights. If one wants the kid in the home and other doesn't... the one who doesn't trumps the one who does.
Just my thoughts of course.
As for DH leaving the home... my bride and I came to the agreement very early in our 24+ year marriage that no one walks out.... ever. He left and by leaving he lost any say in the situation IMHO. Adult children can be a major hindrance to a marriage. Even in intact initial families. My life long BFF and his wife have ejected their eldest son from their home for not taking his meds. He has sever depression, anxiety and probably a few other mental/emotional disorders. He is a brilliant man. Degrees from top schools, multilingual and really a great guy. But... his refusal to help himself was more than his parents could tolerate so they set the requirement that he could live at home but only if he signed releases of all of his medical and therapy records so that they could monitor his care and only if he remained in therapy and on his meds.
He refuses to comply so ... he lives on a beach somewhere in Mexico, is basically a bum and every time the phone rings with a Mexican country code they gasp for breath, take a seat and expect the worst.
Another of my life long BFF's is Schizophrenic. He is a ward of the state though he does live in his parent's garage apartment. He keeps the grounds of their home, cleans the pool and pretty much stays away from people due to severe auditory hallucinations. He struggles with separating reality from what is in his head. When he decides to quit taking his meds, his parents have him institutionalized.
In both situations the spouses put each other and their marriages first. These are not children. They are adults. Ill adults but adults none the less.
Your daughter is an adult. Yes she is mentally ill. However, at some level she must be accountable for her own decisions and she should not be allowed to jeopardize your marriage.
Your daughter needs care. But probably not from you like you think. If she's well enough to function in your home and not in need of a doctor, she should be able to work at some capacity. If she's really too unwell to leave you home, she really needs professional care.
One of my best friends (and roommates) in college suffered from SEVERE depression and anxiety. It wasn't until she got into inpatient care that she managed to function better. I fyour daughter is so poorly off. You need to encourage her into that situation.
My DH sufferes from severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. But he manages. He's been to doctors and they now have him on medication and starting a 12 step program to help his PTSD. I'm not syaing it's perfect. But it was so bad for a while there... We NEEDED the help from others. No matter what I did, it never would have fully been enough.
I'm not even going to address your DH walking out (arsehole more). But your daughter needs help, not you paying all her bills. Unless she's being properly treated and working towards a better future for her, then it is enabling. You love her, it's AMAZING you're there for her. But if she's going to have the kind of future she wants, and that any parent wants for their child, then she needs to work towards that, and that's going to require some extra assistance for now.
Do you have a plan for the future? Or does your DH see this going on forever?
I've been in his shoes. My SS self-medicated himself into addiction due to a whole host of things, including mental health issues. I was the spouse watching DH support SS while I was strugging to pay the rent and buy groceries. I couldn't buy myself a pair of shoes, but DH would send money to SS for shoes.
I nearly walked out too. I could see no end to the merrygoround we were on. I forced DH to seek help for HIMSELF so he could get a handle on his enabling behavior. I forced him to stop sending SS money. Or I'd be gone. I was at the end of a very frayed rope.
Once the money flow stopped, SS got himself into residential treatment. He's been working steadily for the last couple of years and just landed a promotion. I know he struggles every day with recovery and mental health, but he's taking care of himself. Now, when he's in a bind and DH wants to send him $50, I have no problem with that. I will not support another adult, but I will help as long as they are working hard.
In short, your daughter needs help for sure, but she needs help from professionals. Your heart is in the right place, but you are not doing her any favors by enabling her dependent behavior. It's excrutiating for a parent, and I wish for you much strength.
I feel that maybe a therapist needs to be overlooking her making the decision
Its hard to tell if she is using you, your enabling her, or she is really ill and needs the help.
It's hard because our mama heart is involved.
If she is really in need of assistance maybe an extended hospital 28 day program would help her determine her needs or a daily outpatient long term program.
Sometimes the extended therapy is helpful in determining the best course of care.
DH and I have been together
DH and I have been together for ten years married for three. When we met I was widow with two kids, him divorced with two. We tried the blended family for many years until the skids were finally pas’d By BM and we rarely see them. DH seems them more they don’t want to see much of me and that is great. My issue is my 22 BD who has serious depression and anxiety so much so that I fear for her well being every day. This all started four years ago when she started college. So many doctors and therapists but nothing much helps. DH is angry now because I am currently financially supporting her. She cannot work and her health is a constant worry for me. Tonight DH left the house and is staying at a hotel because I brought BD home for a few days she was in the ER really ill. For me if I have to choose him or my sick daughter it will be her every time. He considers her lazy, and accused her of being on drugs and drinking. He has no clue about mental health issues and feels she is manipulating me just to get a free ride. She has been diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety, it runs in my family unfortunately. What would you do? I love them both but feel he is being an ass. In a way I can see his point of view her illness takes over my life and he feels left out at times. His other big beef is her small dog, an emotional support dog and he hates animals. Advice would be really appreciated!
Your daughter needs support
Your daughter needs support that you cannot provide. She needs help, not Mommy paying her bills.
Have you looked into residential care? A halfway house? Roommates? Anything?
Depression and anxiety suck (my sister has both, and my mother is bipolar), but unless she is severe enough to need disability, she NEEDS to figure out how to adult with her illnesses. You coming to her rescue only enables her to not try.
I'm not unsympathetic. I'm really not. My mother and sister are both mentally ill, on meds, have threatened suicide, have done things to harm themselves physically/emotionally, etc. I really do understand. However, they both still work. My sister also goes to school. Despite their mental health, they still have to adult. And my sister only has 2 years on your daughter.
If this is truly temporary, then your SO is being an arse. If, however, you have been constantly helping her, you need to start helping her be independent. She isn't your SO's daughter, and he likely didn't marry you to take care of her in his golden years. So help transition her into independent living (or supervised living outside your home) or work with your DH to dissolve your marriage so that you can take care of her.
Nailed it, Lieutenant Dad.
Nailed it, Lieutenant Dad.
have you
looked into seeing if she qualifies for disability?
Depression and anxiety are
Depression and anxiety are difficult, but if she truly is unable to work or go to school, she needs to be in some sort of partial hospitalization or other day treatment program. Here we have programs for adults with mental illness, where they can go and learn skills, find jobs, get therapeutic support, etc.
I suspect you think she doesn't quite need THAT, but you also aren't pushing her to try to work or go to school (assuming she has not already graduated from college), even if it's only part-time at a super easy job. It's easy for young adults with anxiety and depression to "collapse back" and return home to be dependent on parents. She needs to be attending therapy regularly and doing her best to work and contribute to your home. Caring for her is one thing - rescuing her and enabling her is quite another.
I suspect your DH feels like many of the people on this board do when their skids return home - that they are being enabled and coddled by their bio parent. Be sure you aren't doing that- it really won't help her to get out of the anxiety and depression.
I am sorry to read about your situation.
Look into your local Voc Rehab services---most large cities have them. Goal is independence for persons with all disabilities. Now I dont think you are that 'parent' who doesn't want their child to be self sufficient, correct? Some parents are like that. They get paid off mentally to keep their kid from being self sufficient. Happens with disabled kids.
Is is safe to assume you have met with her therapist who more likely than not has told you YOU can take ownership of her illness and YOU can not babysit her 24/7. Do not morph yourself into her by proxy. What you do or dont do will not change this. It's un healthy for you.
You can help her by taking her to appointments or putting gas IN her car to get to appointments. That is helping her...help her with 2months of light bill when she moves out (goal self sufficient)..or first months rent (dont co-sign anything).
IF she is not able to be left alone then neither YOU or husband are equipped to deal properly with her mental health crisis. NO one is unless they have a PhD.
***When will adults realize that some thing ARE bigger than they are. GET her in treatment where she can help herself, stabilized*** YOU cant fix this/or help right now. For all you know she may decide not to listen to Doctors recommendations. She doesnt have to.
**some situations are just too much for people. I must assume you and he has talked about you daughter for a long time. His moving out was his last resort I bet. **
Your daughter needs outside help that you can not give her. SEEK professional guidence....for their suggested how to best help your daughter.
The equity life partnership
The equity life partnership at the core of the family (blended or otherwise) is the superordinate priority for both partners. Kids never come before the spouse. Ever.
That said, minor children are the top marital responsibility for both partners. Adult children... are not. In the case of an ill adult child the partners need to work it out. However, both have veto rights. If one wants the kid in the home and other doesn't... the one who doesn't trumps the one who does.
Just my thoughts of course.
As for DH leaving the home... my bride and I came to the agreement very early in our 24+ year marriage that no one walks out.... ever. He left and by leaving he lost any say in the situation IMHO. Adult children can be a major hindrance to a marriage. Even in intact initial families. My life long BFF and his wife have ejected their eldest son from their home for not taking his meds. He has sever depression, anxiety and probably a few other mental/emotional disorders. He is a brilliant man. Degrees from top schools, multilingual and really a great guy. But... his refusal to help himself was more than his parents could tolerate so they set the requirement that he could live at home but only if he signed releases of all of his medical and therapy records so that they could monitor his care and only if he remained in therapy and on his meds.
He refuses to comply so ... he lives on a beach somewhere in Mexico, is basically a bum and every time the phone rings with a Mexican country code they gasp for breath, take a seat and expect the worst.
Another of my life long BFF's is Schizophrenic. He is a ward of the state though he does live in his parent's garage apartment. He keeps the grounds of their home, cleans the pool and pretty much stays away from people due to severe auditory hallucinations. He struggles with separating reality from what is in his head. When he decides to quit taking his meds, his parents have him institutionalized.
In both situations the spouses put each other and their marriages first. These are not children. They are adults. Ill adults but adults none the less.
Your daughter is an adult. Yes she is mentally ill. However, at some level she must be accountable for her own decisions and she should not be allowed to jeopardize your marriage.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Your daughter needs care. But
Your daughter needs care. But probably not from you like you think. If she's well enough to function in your home and not in need of a doctor, she should be able to work at some capacity. If she's really too unwell to leave you home, she really needs professional care.
One of my best friends (and roommates) in college suffered from SEVERE depression and anxiety. It wasn't until she got into inpatient care that she managed to function better. I fyour daughter is so poorly off. You need to encourage her into that situation.
My DH sufferes from severe depression, anxiety, and PTSD. But he manages. He's been to doctors and they now have him on medication and starting a 12 step program to help his PTSD. I'm not syaing it's perfect. But it was so bad for a while there... We NEEDED the help from others. No matter what I did, it never would have fully been enough.
I'm not even going to address your DH walking out (arsehole more). But your daughter needs help, not you paying all her bills. Unless she's being properly treated and working towards a better future for her, then it is enabling. You love her, it's AMAZING you're there for her. But if she's going to have the kind of future she wants, and that any parent wants for their child, then she needs to work towards that, and that's going to require some extra assistance for now.
Do you have a plan for the
Do you have a plan for the future? Or does your DH see this going on forever?
I've been in his shoes. My SS self-medicated himself into addiction due to a whole host of things, including mental health issues. I was the spouse watching DH support SS while I was strugging to pay the rent and buy groceries. I couldn't buy myself a pair of shoes, but DH would send money to SS for shoes.
I nearly walked out too. I could see no end to the merrygoround we were on. I forced DH to seek help for HIMSELF so he could get a handle on his enabling behavior. I forced him to stop sending SS money. Or I'd be gone. I was at the end of a very frayed rope.
Once the money flow stopped, SS got himself into residential treatment. He's been working steadily for the last couple of years and just landed a promotion. I know he struggles every day with recovery and mental health, but he's taking care of himself. Now, when he's in a bind and DH wants to send him $50, I have no problem with that. I will not support another adult, but I will help as long as they are working hard.
In short, your daughter needs help for sure, but she needs help from professionals. Your heart is in the right place, but you are not doing her any favors by enabling her dependent behavior. It's excrutiating for a parent, and I wish for you much strength.
I feel that maybe a therapist
I feel that maybe a therapist needs to be overlooking her making the decision
Its hard to tell if she is using you, your enabling her, or she is really ill and needs the help.
It's hard because our mama heart is involved.
If she is really in need of assistance maybe an extended hospital 28 day program would help her determine her needs or a daily outpatient long term program.
Sometimes the extended therapy is helpful in determining the best course of care.
My thoughts and prayers are with you