Main topic of discussion is always how wonderful BM is
Does anyone else have the tedious experience of whenever you are spending time with your adult skids, the conversation is heavily about BM, what they do with her, what she says, the great Mom she is ad nauseum. I just spent another evening out with the adult skids (22 and 19) for SS 19's birthday dinner and I get so tired of the same conversation. If so, what do you do? How do you react? I sit there and listen, trying to nod and smile. For context this is only about once a month. I go for my husband's sake as I suppose he does for mine when my bio kids are with us. But my bio kids don't spend all the time talking about their deceased Dad. We talk about him when we are just together without DH because don't want to hurt his feelings. It is hard to compete with a dead man. But even harder to sit and listen to the long list of what makes BM the most amazing woman in the world. She isn't of course but that is not the point LOL
I see a few choices.... some
I see a few choices.... some sarcastic
1. Stop going
2. Tell hubby it bothers you and he needs to change the subject to support you.
3. Every time they bring her up just say "that's sooo amazing" and nothing else. They will tire of it
4. If hubby is less than supportive and you feel kinda fresh...." wow...thats so amazing...hubby...why did you ever divorce her....she sounds awesome! Did you want to call her? Then drink and watch the faces.
5. Change the subject every time
6. Kids will talk about the other parent . Both sides. Its healthy . I use sarcasm only when I know mine were being outward malicious. If healthy...let it go
Every once in a while my sarcastic attitude sneaks out when I'm near my limit.
Lol. I like it.
Lol.
I like it.
Ooh great ideas i like number
Ooh great ideas i like number 3 the best because after the second or third time i can watch the faces! I need to do something ir else i will end up blowing up.
Start discussions on publications.. that shut the shit down.
Start discussions on the topic you are trying to kill.
"Hey, have you read the article by XYZ LMNOP Ph D on adult step children who insist on injecting their other parent into their relationship with one parent and that parent's spouse? Well.... the author believes that adult kids that do this are stunted in their development, likely the victims of PAS by the often mentioned absent parent, and need to grow up and focus on the parent they are with rather than worshipping the absent parent. What do you think folks?"
Then dive into your meal and cocktails while either silence or pandemonium unfolds.
You know their usual script, so prepare for it with a number of publications that bare their asses and..... initiate the discussion when their crap makes for the opportunity. If you don't want to do the reseach, no worries, just make shit up. They do.
Lather.................. rinse................. repeat.
If they get confrontational ... throw out a "Wow, I must have hit pretty close to home if you cannot discuss it like an adult and not throw a juvenile tantrum."
Then calmly return to your meal.
Priceless
Priceless
I use sarcasm to keep from
I use sarcasm to keep from getting angry. I let my hubby know how I feel. If he does nothing I use sarcasm and he usually wakes up.
As tempting as some of these comments are...
I'd be careful not to stoop to immaturity to win here.
I think the best advice would be to ask about other aspects of their lives and change the topic yourself. Even if you haven't got anything related to discuss, pretend a friend of yours did the same or had the same etc.
If it circles back to their mother I'd probably explain to DH how you feel and not attend as often. You also shouldn't be keeping your kids other parent as a quiet discussion...if your kids want to talk to you about him they should be able to without DH being a baby about it.
One of those "you know it when you see it" things.
I agree that kids should be able to discuss their lives with their parents. Including their lives with the other half of the blended family equation.
My SS would not just start discussing his recent visitation with the SpermClan. I usually would work into it over a week or two after he returned home from visitation. I wanted him to be comfortable with that topic in our home. He would occassionally comment that he was not allowed to mention or discuss his real life with the SpermClan when on visitation and once he had regained comfort with being back home he would comment about how the SpermClan, primarily SpermGrandHag, would make snide remarks about his mom and I, grouse about how it was not fair that he had nice things and did things that his three younger SpermIdiot spawned half sibs did not have, etc....
We are 10 years past SS-28 ageing out from under the CO and I still will ask how his SpermLand family is doing. Nothing much has changed since it all started 26-ish years ago other than the usual SpermClan issues are now of adult proportions rather than of kid proportions. His half sibs are either barely surviving or in prison. It is rather sad.
That said, legitimate discussion and manipulative crap are two different things. One should be facilitated, the other confronted.
As the experts in our own blended family situations, this is one of those "you know it when you see it" things.
IMHO of course.
Here's what we did/do.
We rarely see SD but if/when we do, we will say absolutely nothing when she brings up BM. There have been times she's complaining about BM, other times she acts like they are BFF, or she will tell us something BM or her husband did.
No matter what she says, her father says absolutely nothing. (Neither do I.)
Consider this approach for both your DH and you: Whenever one of the skids brings up BM, pretend they just farted.
You don't acknowledge it, quickly change the topic and wait for the stink to dissipate.
My SS21 does not do this - if
My SS21 does not do this - if he did, I'm pretty sure my DH would tell him that we didn't want to spend all of our time together talking about BM. At 19 and 22, they should have more to talk about than Mommy, and maybe DH should tell them that. If not, I don't think I'd go to dinner with them anymore.
My ss is only a preteen so
My ss is only a preteen so this may not be the best solution for you m, but anytime my SS talks about BM, I chimed in to echo what MY MOM did. He'd say "bm brought me to this amusement park and pizza place..." and I'd say "yeah my mom used to bring me to this place called XXX and I loved going there...."
I do this TOO!
And Ill add myself to the discussion, because obviously we are all sharing right?
How are you are conversation? I am not too bad at it and try to be prepared.
Ill change the subject adruptly to ANYTHING else. "Oh wasnt the weather nice/not nice yesterday?" Something innocuous.
If its another "My mother is mother of the year and heres why..." trop, definitely bring YOUR mother into the mix. Because sharing.
Hehe
Thankfully I have my 5 year old doing this for me. Ss will say 'my mum this' so dd will say 'my mummy this' and ss tells her to stop showing off! Then we just remind him that's what he appears to be doing. Winner
I love your kid!
I love your kid!
Smart, direct, keeps it simple.
Brilliant!
I can top that
My MIL is besties with BM and for years she'd praise her and also describe their recent good times together. I finally told DH I'm sick of hearing this while you're mom is over being entertained in my house. Well she cut it out real quick. Unfortunately you can't do it with skids. Be polite and leave the table, text, go do the dishes, remove yourself.