I'm at the end of my rope...
BM asked for money. Again. Several hundred dollars, actually, to help GBM get her car out of impound and to fix BM's truck that had tire or wheel issues.
DH went to FIL who wrote a check to BM. Whatever.
We were supposed to do family pictures today. Yesterday, we took the kids to find button-up shirts for the pictures. At no point did they mention that they forgot to bring their nice shoes (OSS) or jeans (YSS).
No, this was brought up at 9am when they were told to go shower and get ready. DH's response? "It'll be fine, just go get ready."
I lost my mind. I told off DH, he stormed off, I followed, and just dumped it all out there. How I'm tired of the BS. I'm tired of handing over money to BM. I'm tired of the boys just getting away with sh!t because "they're just teenagers". I'm tired of him wanting me to stick around and act like a family when no one wants to try and include ME. They just want me to bend to what they do, and if I question it, DH gets upset.
I broke down crying and said I didn't know what to do anymore. DH started crying and apologizing. I asked if this was going to continue - me bring something up, we fight, I cry, and everything goes back to what it was before. He said he didn't want it to and he wants to find help. He wants to figure out a path forward.
We cancelled pictures. We were going to put up the tree and do some Christmas shopping, but not now. I don't even want to put up the tree or celebrate this year. I'm just that done with it all. I even wrote up our split finances budget this morning because I was so disgusted that BM asked for money and DH went to FIL to figure it out.
I just don't know what happened. DH was doing so well with boundaries and listening to me and us moving forward. In the last 6-8 months, it's like a lightbulb switched off in his brain. He's back to being the broken man I met years ago.
I can't help but think that I'm partly to blame for this. That I screwed up one marriage, so why not screw up another? Maybe I'm not meant to be a wife, and the universe is throwing me hard lessons to remind me of my place.
I don't want to get divorced. I don't think this is unfixable. I'm just so completely drained that I can't think straight.
I'm not looking for advice, really. I rarely am. I know what needs to be done, I just need to find the energy to do it.
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Why does you husband think it
Why does your husband think it is his problem to figure out when BM and GBM need money for their vehicles (or anything else)?
I guess my DH is an asshole, but whatever money problems BM had, was HER problem. He paid his CS and if BM had trouble paying her rent, or her car broke down, she figured it out without my husband. Because they have a divorce decree, which voids the contract with the state that made them responsible for each other.
And why is FIL writing BM a check?
Must be nice to just tell someone she needs money and presto!
FIL and DH have the mentality
FIL and DH have the mentality that, if they did something to make someone else's life more difficult, then it is their job to fix it along the way.
FIL feels he didn't do enough to stop DH from being a teen dad. DH feels like he needs to help because he has the means and he helped make the kids.
Neither think enough to remember that BM had ample opportunity to better herself and didn't. Neither think that BM cheated and left DH for her now XH. Neither think that WOULD but DOESN'T because she doesn't need to.
Add into that that DH doesn't want his kids growing up in poverty. Well, he can't fix that, and he needs to deal with his guilt differently than what he's currently doing.
Sending ((hugs)) and positive
Sending ((hugs)) and positive thoughts. It sure can be overwhelming. I hope your DH sees the light again soon.
Thank you. Really. The
Thank you. Really. The virtual hug nearly made me cry.
It's not you, that's for sure
It's not you, that's for sure. I, too am unclear on why your DH feels he has to be BM AND GBM's bank?
I think it's time to do the separate finances - tell DH it's not a punishment, it's so you can let go of focusing on how he's spending JOINT money and let him spend his own money however he wants. Otherwise, I think you will just go in the same cycle again - he'll get better for a while, then fall back into it.
I have it all written out. I
I have it all written out. I'm going to update our budget sheet and show it to DH. Tell him when I need his money in our joint checking account we had specifically to pay for big purchases.
I'm sorry that you have to
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I totally understand being frustrated when it seems like DH is making so much progress and then regresses to his old ways.
I know it's easy to say but harder to do, but give yourself a break. Do something special for yourself first and then you can figure out dealing with DH when you have the energy.
Thank you. I'm not super sure
Thank you. I'm not super sure what else I can do for myself, really. Total disengagement, I suppose.
The thing is, I don't want that. I want to be a family. Not in a nuclear sense, but I like being around. I like my SSs. I actually don't mind being a step mom in a blended family. It is what I have grown up with, and I don't have animosity towards it.
But I don't want it to be broken. I don't want to be "the outsider". I don't want BM in my pocketbook. And the kicker is that ALL of what I want, and what DH wants, is possible. But he's being an arse around the whole thing.
Very sorry to hear! I don't
Very sorry to hear! I don't have any words of advice, but (((((hugs))))) to someone who gives of her time and effort to give invaluable, level-headed advice to so many on this forum.
Thank you. I really do
Thank you. I really do appreciate the kind words. You all are going to make me cry.
I guess I’m just a big old
I guess I’m just a big old bitch - but I want to cut your dh’s nuts off. Except that he obviously has none. It is ABSOLUTELY UNCONDITIONALLY UNACCEPTABLE for your DH to have that much invested in “taking care” of another woman. Any other woman - but especially an EX.
He’s way too emotionally involved with BM. It’s great for him to care about his children- but damn this is probably worse than having an affair.
I am so so so sorry you are having to deal with this. NONE of this is your fault. You have been 10x more tolerant than most women would be. I know you don’t want a second divorce- no one does. My DH did not want his 2nd divorce either. But when he later met and married me he truly cannot believe how happy our life is.
I wish you peace and happiness however you have to get there.
Thank you. I think that is
Thank you. I think that is what is bothering me, too. I AM tolerant. I'm not against helping someone when the chips are down. Hell, I'm not even against helping BM when she helps herself.
I'm NOT okay with enabling, and that's where we are at. If he wants to do that, he can move in with her in her shitty little trashed townhouse with her snakes and the boys. He can put up with her cheating and beating him again. He can put up with her draining his bank accounts and taking out loans on his name, just to default on them later.
I'm not an evil person, dammit! I care, and I don't like that caring being taken advantage of.
You are a lovely person.
You are a lovely person.
Over shoes & jeans?
I do get why you'd be upset that your DH is going above and beyond to give money to BM (or getting it from FIL on her behalf, AND on HER mom's behalf!) when I assume he pays CS. However, you lost me with the fact that what caused you to lose it and the day's plans ruined over one SK not having dress shoes and one SK not having jeans. Your last blog says you were having family photos at JCPenney, meaning they're posed in a studio. Not many posed professional photos show the SHOES of the people in the photos, especially when it's a group of individuals being taken. And I'm sure the SK could have been posed to be sure his shoes didn't somehow show. Same thing for the SK who forgot jeans. (I'm not sure what he did bring to wear-shorts, sweat pants or something else?) However, he could have been placed in the back. These things could have been worked around for the sake of the photo and the day.
BTW, we used to take professional family photos with my SSs annually, and we always provided everything they'd need, both clothing and shoes. However, I'm almost certain there were some years we'd discover one of the SSs had outgrown the dress shoes at our house and they ended up wearing tennis shoes, which didn't show in the picture anyway.
I have to think your reaction was due to already being in a bad mood about your DH brokering the $ for BM from his dad. But if it really was about the SKs' lack of complete photo attire, I think you overreacted. Just MHO.
It had to do with no one ever
It had to do with no one ever giving a damn about something I plan, or how I feel, or taking more than half a thought about something that doesn't revolve around them. DH texted them what to bring (which, BTW, were clothes we purchased for them not even a month ago), and they still forgot. Just like when I bought YSS a nice winter hat he wanted and he left it at our place, in between the cushions of the couch.
It's the lack of care about anything related to me combined with DH being a softy to BM's woes. It's DH not making sure the boys had what they needed, and the boys, yet again, not completing a simple task because it's something they don't really want to do.
It's months worth of build up that erupted over shoes and jeans. It was just one more thing added on to the st!t stepparenting sandwich.
Sending love and hugs. You
Sending love and hugs. You are one of the kindest posters here and I am sorry you are hurting and going through a difficult time..
Lt_dad. Absolutely NONE of
Lt_dad. Absolutely NONE of this is your fault! You're a kick-A$$ amazing individual!
This is completely on your DH, BM, the skids. YOU didn't force BM to become so dependent on your DH, that's on your DH and BM. DH because he kept enabling and allowing it to happen, and BM because she even had the gal to ask. The skids, that's on them. Yes they're teenagers, which also means they're old enough not to be irresponsible little s***s and to actually bother to do what's needed. They didn't become responsible, likely because DH and BM kept making excuses on how they're "just teenagers."
You however have done your damn best to do whatever is needed, to push hard, etc. And frankly, you ROCK at is. You're alwasy there for others. Anytime I've needed help even you've been willing. It's simply just time for someone else to give and help out. Good for you to make divided budgets. Your DH needs to help fix some of these issues he's helped create.
I don't think it's not fixable. I think it can be fixed if your DH is willing to hold boundaries and start putting in as much work as you.
Hang in there Lt_dad. And don't let all these clueless people ruin YOUR Christmas.
Well this sucks. Sorry you
Well this sucks. Sorry you are dealing with it, and sorry your DH won't seem to grow a backbone. No advice, just a hug.
You're a lovely, warm, caring
You're a lovely, warm, caring woman. Don't lose those qualities, my dear. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Sent you another PM.