Breaking Point
Hello, I'm a newbie here, not sure which topic to put this in as it seems to cover nearly everything!
I've been up since 5am and I'm sitting here at breaking point. I feel I am going to either lose my mind or explode with frustration soon if I can't figure a way through this.
Two stepsons, 16 and 20, been with their dad 2.5 years. He and his ex divorced 13 years ago. Both treat me like dirt, contempt and have a selfishness and level of rudeness I've never experienced in my life. 20 year old (works basic job until he decides whether to go to uni) goes from parent to parent's house for months at a time, before he becomes fed up with not getting what he wants on a plate then goes to other house, before falling out with them (mum remarried, he argues with stepdad who now shuts himself away) and returning here. At the moment he's over there. His absence is the single ray of light I have.
16 year old is with us on a joint custody basis. Without boring you all and going into every single incident, his behaviour appalls me every day he is here - he lies about everything, deceives, takes money to buy vaping equipment and now he's been caught buying drugs at school. For the whole time I've known him, he is moody, rude, nasty, incredibly deceitful to try and get away with things and lies so automatically and so without shame it's shocking. Most troubling seems to take pleasure in hurting others (me, teachers, occasionally his dad) or trying to catch people out with what they've said (always smirking and almost cackling whenever he does it and walks off chuckling to himself when he leaves a room of people in shock or hurt). At the same time he's created an aura of saying he's so senstive to everyone else's feelings and his own feelings are super delicate and everyone has to pander to him to be careful not to hurt him.
The most I ever got from him has been one-line sentences, usually of jokey insult nature, such as "shut up and die". This is when things were good (!). But day in, day out, I've no idea what mood will come through the door when he comes home from school. Recently he's said I have no right to look happy and upbeat and ask him how his day was when he comes home, it's too much pressure for him. Two weeks ago, it probably was the best it's ever been with him - by which I simply mean he walked into rooms and said hello and he helped clear away two plates once. That's it. Then after the drugs incident (nothing to do with me, he'd been caught and for over a week didn't tell us about it, the school phoned) he came to ours and for some reason, he's ignored me completely. Comes into rooms, leaves them, enters the house, leaves it, goes up to bed, passes me in the hall in the morning - nothing. Blanks me. For the first few days I carried on being polite and welcoming, but have got nothing but contempt in return. He knows he's got away with the drugs at school and is swaggering around like nothing's happened.
I know you'll ask but what does his dad and mum say. There are no consequences for anything he does. They regard him as some delicate petal who has had such a hard life, solely because they divorced. He has everything on a plate. He didn't even get told off for the drugs, because his mum felt him seeing the headmaster was traumatic enough for him and he needs to be protected.
I watch with my mouth open at what he gets away with, the blatant lies he tells and nobody will challenge him. I did a few times about a year ago, and my partner said I had created a terrible atmosphere because of it and I need to be more understanding of the stepson, he's troubled, vulnerable, poor lad etc etc. I've found an essay he wrote at school, bragging about how he plays his parents off against each other to get what he wants, how adults are thick and so on.
My partner is terrified to discipline his sons, because every time he has done it before, they both throw tantrums and threaten to live permanently with their mum. The eldest did this last year after being told off by my partner after he had behaved awfully and had shouted at me, we didn't see him for months and it created sound a problem in the whole family and my partner thought he had lost him forever. He's scared to discipline them, scared to lose them.
The contempt and rudeness is driving me round the bend. My partner says nothing and won't do anything if I try and talk to him about it - he thinks I just need to ignore it, create a lovely atmosphere for his son to feel comfortable, and wait for him to have a personality transplant and behave like a nice decent human being for once. I feel my partner blames for his son not speaking, poor child, he's nervous, he's fearful, he's senstive, he's traumatised by last week, the smirking is just a nervous reaction, etc etc. I fear the effect of his rudeness and the waiting is going to drive me nuts.
Any, any idea what I can do?
Leave your partner?
Leave your partner?
I don't see any other way around it. I couldn't stay long term with a man who enabled his children and neglected their need for basic discipline. I'd have no respect for him.
But if you don't want to do that, then just disengage entirely from these kids. Don't do anything for them at all. If they say hello, you say hello, but don't initiate it. Don't bring it up to your partner and ask him to fix it. If he brings up any concerns about them, just listen and say, "hmm, I'm sure you'll figure out the right thing to do."
Then put your energy into whatever makes you happy. If he still makes you happy, then that includes him.
Oh, and make sure you keep your money separate from his, so he isn't enabling them on your funds.
If you're at a breaking point
If you're at a breaking point, you simply need to leave your partner. He's made it clear that he's not going to change anything, so the likelihood of positive changes is almost non-existent. He's also shown you where you stand by allowing his sons to treat you poorly and doing nothing about it. This will be your life for the foreseeable future. If you don't like it, get out.
Get your own place. Tell
Get your own place. Tell partner he can see you there. If he fails to put in the effort then I’d call it quits.
no way I could live in such a hostile place day in and day out without it affecting me.
I hate to say it but all the
I hate to say it but all the others are right. The only way things will get better for you is if you leave. I do like the idea of getting your own place and your partner can come there if you want to stay with him. Honestly if he doesn't see how much more peaceful it is without the drama of the skids then he will be an idiot.
Now, I am not saying that teenagers are A-holes. Becasue they are. It is in their nature. The problem comes when the parents don't parent. The 20 yr old needs to launch into the the world for real and the 16 yr old needs a parent to show him boundaries and what relationships are really like. They are a 2-way street. You get out of them what you put into them. People won't just do for you as an adult- your boss isn't going to tip toe around you because your feelings might get hurt. That isn't life!
Thank you for the comments.
Thank you for the comments. When I think about what I'd like given the circumstances, it would be to live away. I desperately don't wish to leave my partner, but I'd live elsewhere if it meant I was not abused by his sons - and you're right, it is abuse.
But I know I can't. To have his life split in two is something he won't consider, nor family counselling which I have suggested. If his sons went to live with their mum, he feels his life to date has been a waste as he fought so hard to have joint custody and save them from her influence. I'm just repeating things he's said by the way.
Of course I look at him exasperated at his lack of defending me when they are rude, and feel invisible, disrespected and a whole load of other things. But I do take on board something he's said on this, which is that he has stayed with me despite all their antagonism against me (in truth, attempts to split us up and cause trouble between us).
It's not helped by the fact that both children, the youngest more so, acts as if butter wouldn't melt. To the wider family he is quiet and sensitive boy, rather impolite and has no conversation, but he's a good lad. To the school, he has 'struggling with life', his attitude to teachers is poor, he needs lots of support and his drug buying is just part of a big drug problem at the school so to punish him wouldn't be fair, despite their rules stating drug buying or selling should result in expulsion. To his mum, she swings between screaming at him and hating the way he speaks to her, to full on mollycoddling when he has done something wrong outside the home. To his dad, he's an extremely sensitive and lovely lad who has had a nightmare life.
He is ice cold to me, and only luke warm to his dad most the time. When he is rude to his dad, the cycle is always the same: a light word from my partner, SS sulks, he never apologises, atmosphere is horrible, then my partner tries to make up for upsetting him. Usually ends up in a treat at the end of that. If he detects any tension between my partner and I (usually caused by him), he hones in like a missile to exploit the situation, his voice changes, he constantly asks for help from my partner or asks his advice, he offers to do things and laughs in an over-the-top way as if they are great friends. He did this last night, I watched in disbelief, and my partner beams with happiness as his son appears to behave like he's always wanted him to. What's funny is this usually lasts the duration of just a few hours, and sure enough the next day he'll be grumpy, rude and lazy all over again. But my partner falls for this act every time.
I do hear the calls to leave. I love my partner very much, can't bear the situation or the excuses, but I am sticking with it for now and have decided in the last few days to disengage completely from the 16 year old unless he speaks to me, and just basic communication with the 20 year old who hates me, on the very rare occasions when he comes round because he wants something/money from his dad.
Given that I'm staying, are there any other ideas of what I can do or how to cope? There is tension in the air and I am dreading my partner turning to me and complaining that I am not creating a wonderful atmosphere for his spoilt brat by my disengagement, poor boy etc etc.
If you are staying but
If you are staying but disengaging you need to find hobbies! Join social groups, a gym, a quilting class, a night school course- ANYTHING that you can use as an excuse to exit the home and do something for you.
SSon's being jerk faces- "Oh look at the time, there is a spin class in 20 mins that I really wanted to go to! Bye guys!" -- "Oh wow, I forgot it was Tuesday, I have a quilting class to get to! See you in a few hours!" -- "It is almost time for my business after hours event, see you guy later!" -- "Mon and Wed means bowling league! Be back late!"
"his lack of defending me
"his lack of defending me when they are rude, and feel invisible, disrespected and a whole load of other things."
I would not have moved into this environment, in the first place, but since you did, why on Earth would you stay with someone who cares so little about you?
"When I think about what I'd like given the circumstances, it would be to live away."
"But I know I can't.To have his life split in two is something he won't consider, nor family counselling which I have suggested."
He is willing to do NOTHING to change this situation, to make you or your well being a priority. Again, why be with someone who does not care about you?
"But I do take on board something he's said on this, which is that he has stayed with me despite all their antagonism against me (in truth, attempts to split us up and cause trouble between us)."
Oh, well, lucky you! He has that backwards, YOU have stayed with HIM, despite his asshole kids, despite him letting them treat you so horribly.
I don't know how you can even look at him.
Oh, well, lucky you! He has
Oh, well, lucky you! He has that backwards, YOU have stayed with HIM, despite his asshole kids, despite him letting them treat you so horribly.
Thanks for making me smile. That's a very good point.
The threat of it all ending hangs over my head because it's become too much for my partner which, you may wonder why, is why I have started to keep quiet whereas before I was more vocal. We're on this tightrope, always handling the sensitivities of these little snowflakes. Next week is mocks exam week. This year the 16 year old has had >40 detentions, all of which are of course he claims the teachers' fault, misunderstandings, confusing him for the wrong kid etc, and his BPs fall for it. He has been reprimanded strongly for his answering-back to teachers, as he always did to me, but of course he's not to blame. He doesn't bother to do homework, then lies to his parents that he's done it, he doesn't revise then lies to his parents that the reason he does so badly in his tests are because the questions are deliberately set too high to stretch them, and he scored well. I know he'll fall flat on his face this month with the exams, and he'll claim the "stress" of seeing the headmaster and caught buying drugs, the "stress" of some argument he had with somebody 2 years ago, the "stress" of the wind blowing the wrong way for his delicate little head, and the "stress" of me in the house, will be used as the scapegoat for his failure.
None of this is helped by the lack of discipline in the school either. Vaping, drugs, awful language and the school still kids itself its pupils are doing well. Apparently the grades which would be unheard of in my day and any pupil would feel thoroughly ashamed at (ie <40%) get a B now! The fact that he is caught buying drugs and he gets just a slap on the wrist defies belief. Don't get me wrong, the majority of blame lies squarely at his parents feet, that's his mum and my partner. But if the school did their part too at least I would not be the only objective voice trying to show what he really does behind their backs and the scams he does. Their stepdad is on to both boys, and like I said, apparently just shuts himself away at home to get away from them. They say awful things about him when they're with us, so of course they're saying the same about me when they're over there.
PLease note: curious
PLease note: curious georgette is NOT A STEPPARENT, NOT IN A STEPFAMILY, has no idea of stepfamily dynamics and claims to be a therapist. She hates SMs and scolds them for expecting to be an equal partner. In her world, skids and BMS are blameless and SM can love it or leave it. Just a public service announcement.
I understand that you love
I understand that you love and want to support your spouse. But at some point your own health and mental health suffer. I suspect there has already been a toll on both.
You say: But I know I can't. To have his life split in two is something he won't consider, nor family counselling which I have suggested.
But he won't do those things because it is easier for HIM to keep things as they are, avoiding confrontation with his unruly sons. And as long as you are willing to sacrifice yourself for his comfort and happiness, nothing will change. Once you get fed up enough with the abuse, I hope you will put yourself first and get your own place even if it's on a temporary basis while you try to work things out with your DH. And if he won't make any changes after that? Then, sadly, you have an answer. Better to find out sooner rather than later.
I said something to my DH
I said something to my DH about having stayed with him despite his baggage (skid and crazy BM), and he said, "I know. I think about how grateful I am all the time that you've stayed."
And yours told you that you are lucky he's kept you around because his Precious Poopsies don't like you.
You deserve better. May I suggest you find a counselor to help you realize that?
You have chosen to disengage
You have chosen to disengage which is great however its still not fixing the issue with your H who is NOT parenting his sons AT ALL.
You do know this will NEVER change? Your H is not making any positive efforts to change his circumstances or alleviate any of the abuse you endure from his kids. So if you're ok with that continue to live this way.
I also want to address this "he has stayed with me despite all their antagonism against me (in truth, attempts to split us up and cause trouble between us)". Correction darling you have stayed with his ungrateful and non-parenting @ss despite all the bullsh!t his kids have put you through so lets make this clear. Don't allow him to switch this nonsense around on you. He's just as bad for even saying & allowing that type of behavior.
I get that you love him but honey there isn't enough love in the world for this abuse. Life is too short!
No one leaves until they feel
No one leaves until they feel ready. But.. you asked for coping and my ideas are:
- make a lovely sanctuary I’m your room. Tv, plush bedding, books, wine, bath. After dinner just “retire to your study” lol
- play music you love while you cook. It breaks awkward silence and you can fake being engrossed (while you dance around the pots n pans) when skids breeze by. Also, happiness is infectious. If you are this happy bopping blissful person, even if they don’t engage it’s good for them to see. See a happy adult for once.
- humm. Disengage but force yourself to love it. Humm while you busy yourself
- ramp up your love language. Help DH by offering it. Being one person he can feel safe and happy around.
- get friends and get busy. Get a social life outside of the house. Church, wine friends, volunteer. Be passionate and take action to chase your passions
- if a blow out us happening, leave to your room sanctuary with a cup of tea. Ignore the blow out participators. Or, head out to a movie or the bookstore.
i will say, when I battle DH on skid stress it ramps up his stress, and we fight. When I kill em with kindness, and speak with empathy.. while also stating my needs. He hears me better.