Told my H..

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Finally told my husband that I want to watch tv Alone a few nights a week without his daughter sitting in the room with us.

he asked why she was bothering me and if she was interrupting our conversations. Like being really sarcastic about the whole situation.

I’m really frustrated that he does not get I want to be alone some nights without her presence. Again big adjustment for me and I’m sure her too.

My husband just thinks we are one big happy family. I’m really to ask for a divorce.

I'm glad you told him and can

I'm glad you told him and can imagine how you felt when he was sarcastic about it. I wouldn't appreciate it that and want him to understand that you are serious when you made the request. Have you ever asked him how he thinks he'd feel if the tables were turned? If you had an adult son he rarely bonded with that lived with you guys and started college. It would be some getting use to and he really needs to put himself in your shoes for once.

He’s trying to get all

He’s trying to get all perspectives but does not get it at all. He doesn’t want to ask her to leave the room thinking it will make her anxiety worse. I said well I have wants and needs too.

I told my H to encourage her to find a hobby or get another PT job to meet people.

I’ll continue to see my therapist but I really don’t think he will ever understand.

She goes to school and has a

She goes to school and has a job, so surely she can handle people asking her to do something?

I swear, the way some parents coddle their children, they make any issue, like anxiety, worse. My SD is not mentally disabled but BM has her convinced that she is. And believe me, she plays it up all that she can, so that she has an excuse not to get a job.

Maybe focus on the timeline.

What's the plan? Hopefully she is a full-time student. Done in 2 years. What is her course of study? Then again she may not be a student for long as it doesn't sound like she ever studies!

They should have counselors at the college. Free. Well not "free", paid for by her tuition and fees.

Husband thinks we having this

Husband thinks we having this loving family relationship and her helping do dishes which is like putting one dish in dishwasher is going to make me so happy.

I want alone time. I don’t need her in my face 24/7. My H is delusional that SD is actually truly happy living here. She talks to her BM every day, co - dependent. And yes now my H wants to coddle her. Well I won’t stick around to watch

My guess would be that if you

My guess would be that if you stick it out, SD is going to go back closer to her mother and go to community college there. BUT, I would make clear to DH that you are considering a separation if something doesn't change (ie, she needs to go live in a dorm).

I hope and pray that she

I hope and pray that she moves back to her BM home. She is going there for Xmas but I know she will be back cause my H pays for her college tuition and she has our home free place to live.

TV’s are on sale everywhere right now

I obviously don’t know the set up of your home, but what worked for me was to install a TV in our bedroom so we could watch alone. Somehow DH got that.

I too was feeling smothered having SD around all the time. After dinner, we just came up to our room.

Good luck.

Same! TV’s in skids rooms

Same! TV’s in skids rooms saved my sanity! Tonight I had the whole living room to myself and it. Was. Awesome.

No DH.. don't be silly... it

No DH.. don't be silly... it's just that I am not used to sharing my private moments with another adult who to be honest is not well known to me. Do you think you will be comfortable if I want to snuggle with you with your adult daughter in the room? nope.. that is activity I save for when we are alone.. but since she has arrived.. we don't have that time.. and it's frustrating. She isn't "doing" anything, but I don't feel that you and I have any time alone together and that's frustrating.

It's ok.. you don't have to talk to her.. I will explain how adult couples need privacy. I'm sure she will understand when I explain it to her.

lol.

I like ESMOD's response.

Honestly, OP...this is another one of those things that stepmoms really *shouldn't* have to spell out...but are often forced to. It's strange to me how we're allowed to have opinions and preferences about so many other things concerning how our relationships work or how our households run...but the second it's an opinion about one of the kids we're suddenly expected to bend over backwards explaining and justifying ourselves and our preferences in life.

Like...if I were to say to DH: I want to eat more vegetables and fatty fish, so I'd like to have one vegetarian meal a week and at least one fish meal a week...he'd say "Great!" with zero pushback. If I were to say: I feel like Wednesday should be our shopping day and Thursday should be our laundry day...he'd say "Sure!" with zero pushback. If I were to say: I'd like to try that new restaurant downtown and then see a movie tonight...he'd say "Sounds Good!" with zero pushback. If I were to say: Can we repaint the kitchen soon....he'd say "Absolutely!" with zero pushback.

The point is...I am 100% allowed to arrange my days and my house the way I'd like...and DH is perfectly reasonable and cooperative. We may disagree about paint color before we come to a choice that we both like...but he never questions the principle that I'm allowed to ask for and expect changes to be made in my home to increase my comfort or convenience. He encourages it, in fact, because he understands that women like to nest a bit more, generally speaking, and he wants me to be happy and comfortable here.

But the second I say: "I'd really like it if YSD didn't blast the television full volume first thing in the morning before I've had a chance to wake up and get my coffee" OR "Could you ask the kids not to drape themselves all over our furniture leaving me nowhere to sit when we're hanging out in the evening" then suddenly I have to endlessly explain myself and justify WHY I'm asking for these changes...while he "defends' his kids from my request. Suddenly...the fact that it would make me happier and more comfortable in my home isn't enough any more...and I'm made to feel like I have to have a rock solid "reason" for my request.

OP - don't play that game. Tell him it's simply your preference because it is...and if he's not behind it then you're no longer going to participate. Do something else...read a book, go for a walk...go out and see a friend and don't come back until DH and his weird daughter are asleep...do other things that make you happy and let DH decide whether or not making you happy is more important to him than coddling his college-aged daughter.

Even though my husband can’t

Even though my husband can’t get it or really understand how I’m feeling he is trying. He wants to make sure I am happy but again doesn’t seem to get that I am feeling uncomfortable in my own home.

I guess he sent my SD a text asking for alone time. I can’t even imagine what the hell he said in a text.

I’m over it. This is my house. I did not make the decision to allow her to move in, it just happened. I didn’t have a choice but again if I did my answer would have been no way!!

So he basically told her to

So he basically told her to stay in her room a few nights and then makes me look like the bad guy. And then asking me if she can’t go in kitchen when we are watching tv in family room. Give me a Fucking break.

Roll your eyes at him and say

Roll your eyes at him and say "dramatic much?" And when he tries to throw you under the bus, remind him that you do NOT have to apologize for your preference in YOUR HOUSE.

How old is SD?

If there is not a very good reason SD should be residing in yur house, she should leave. I went through this for years - and I owned the house too. DH and SD just took it over - and I allowed this because I wanted to be a 'good sport' and I was overly fearful of another divorce.

DH, SD and I had our 'Honeymoon' BEFORE we got married. DH and SD were both wonderful! A few weeks after we first got married I had to work out of State, and did not get a weekend off for two months - and boy! Did things change! I had to rent a car at the airport because DH would not take off work and SD was too 'busy' to pick me up. I arrived home to an empty, filthy house, which I cleaned. When DH got home from work he wouldn't sit with me alone for 10 minutes. We finally went out to the car to talk to one-another. DH cried because he didn't want to ask SD to give us some alone time together. The next morning I packed up and flew back to work.

At that time I was going through too many problems at work to properly address our marriage issues. Again, I was afraid of the failure of another divorce. It wasn't until 20 years later, after SD's meltdown that I went to a therapist who helped me to see that things needed to change. Finally, I gained the courage to make the changes that SHOULD have been made just after we got married.

I wanted to share my 'story' with you in hopes that it will prevent someone from waiting 20 years to take action like I did. By waiting, you get farther and farther away from resolution. Please visit a therapist by yourself and find out why you are allowing yourself to be imposed upon and why you are short-changing yourself in your expectations of your DH.

Found out more. H laid a

Found out more. H laid a guilt trip on SD. Told her that I’m stressed about our budget and need alone time to watch Tv

I don’t want the girl to feel bad I just want my alone time!!

Maybe you should talk to her

Maybe you should talk to her yourself, if you would feel comfortable doing that, now that he has opened the door. Let her know that it's not HER, you just need some time to yourself.

Strange that he would now try to make her feel bad and put a guilt trip on her, when a minute ago, he was worried about her anxiety. Or, maybe not so strange. I think he is setting you up to be the bad guy, to her AND to him. If she goes back to BM's or becomes depressed or something, he can blame you.

I would definitely talk to her myself, your husband is making a mess out of it.