I feel like my 6 yr old SS is ruining my marriage
I really don't know what to do. I feel like my 6 yr old SS is ruining my VERY NEW marriage (a little over a yr). Every time my SS is with us, me and DH argue about something involving him. The main problem is that I don't agree with DH's parenting style AT ALL. Classic guilt parenting. He is a recovering alcoholic, and I think his guilt parenting is more to do with that than the divorce. Anyway, SS is a spoiled brat. DH just stopped sleeping in the bed with SS a couple of weeks ago. Yes, he slept with him all night - I never got to sleep with my husband when SS was here. Now, he goes in with SS at night, lays with him until he's asleep, then he comes in to bed with us. However, SS comes to get DH around 5 or 6am or so, and DH goes back in with him for the rest of the morning. It's progress over sleeping with him all night, but, I really don't think that all of that should be necessary with a 6 yr old! DH is in with SS right now - it's 7:15am on Saturday. I wake up, and my damn husband is gone, laying down with his son. Another big problem is that SS CONSTANTLY interrupts me and DH when we're talking. It happens every time we have a conversation. It really is like a compulsion - every time SS notices DH and I talking, he interrupts. He comes over with some nonsense - yesterday he interrupted us to show his dad his stomach. Just ANYTHING. And, the worse part is that DH engages him when he interrupts. SS is also VERY picky about food, and the way DH encourages that literally makes me sick to my stomach. "do you want mayo, how much mayo, do you want me to cut up that slice of pizza for you, do you want a big glass or a little glass." It's so sickening to me. Anyway, it goes on and on...I'm just so sick of the whole situation. I really feel bad that I feel this way...but, I really hate to see the kid coming, and count the hours until he leaves. His presence is a disruption. DH wants us to be this loving family, but, I'm really just not feeling that. At least not yet. All of my interactions are forced. I'm VERY resentful. I'm really starting to wonder if DH and I are going to make it. I hope we do - I love DH very much. We get along great when SS isn't here. Do we need counseling? I really don't want this bratty kid to come between my husband and me. I just don't know. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
When DH (and I) drank, we
When DH (and I) drank, we were worse guilty parents, I think. Why not put SpongeBob on for hours? It's funny when you're drunk. "Hey, go play your video games, SM wants to relax" (with multiple glasses of wine) After we sobered up, we were much stricter, and it led to "Daddy, you CHANGED!!" and "I don't know (SM) loves me!!"
But counseling, yes, definitely!! The resentment is a key indication that you're not on the same page parenting-wise. Having an uninterested third party tell you that you need to agree on a parenting style is probably a better wake-up call than "My family says" or "StepTalk says"...
Every person here can tell you that if your DH isn't on board with the household rules, you're in for a rough ride, if not doomed.
He has only been sober for
He has only been sober for seven months. Very early recovery. But, he's not using the time to drink. He's unable to just take a couple of drinks and stop. If he started drinking again, he would have a pint of vodka downed within 15 mins or less. That's just how bad of an alcoholic he is. I would know immediately if he drank.
You are spot on when you say that his new sobriety is restraining me. I hold a lot in because I just don't want to say something or do something that might trigger him. He's already very offended as it is that I "criticize" his parenting.
It's not just him. BM is the same way. No discipline, no boundaries...both of them need to effectively parent. However, BM really doesn't spend a lot of time with SS. He spends most of his time with babysitters and a nanny when he is not with us. When he gets here, we have to do something with him every second. And, DH gets upset with me that I don't want to play all day long on the weekend, my days off work. I play when I feel like it, but, it's not enough, I guess...
DH has agreed to counseling. I'm going to make an appointment ASAP.
Al-anon would help you, and a
Al-anon would help you, and a certified parenting course would help DH
I've been attending Al-Anon
I've been attending Al-Anon for almost a year, and, it does help. The program literally saved my life when DH was in the throes of active alcoholism.
However, I think he needs to hear from a neutral party that I'm not this mean, evil person that's hurting his son's feelings by not playing with him all the time and catering to his every whim.
Hence a parenting course -
Hence a parenting course - which will help set appropriate boundaries on the child but in a non-confrontational way
This was my DH except for
This was my DH except for being an alcoholic. I think FAMILY counseling would help. SS will never become self reliant if DH plays with him all of the time. Why isn't he outside making friends? At age 8 SS would literally slip notes under our door asking "daddy, will you come play with me? circle yes or no" and DH would go out and play. It didn't stop until our therapist told DH that was ridiculous. DH just thought I was being mean.
As for the interuptions, we had those too, and DH would stop the conversation to talk to SS, didn't matter who he was talking to (me, a friend, our landlord, ect.). Again, DH thought I was being mean until one of DH's friends got frustrated with DH for not telling SS to stop interupting and I think when DH started talking to SS in the middle of a conversation, the friend left and DH couldn't figure out why and the friend flat out told him that SS's behavior wasn't acceptable and when DH was ready to have an adult conversation, then call him.
The sleeping thing, I had to nip that one right away. I told DH that he wasn't going to have sex unless he slept in his own bed for the whole night. The sleeping thing stopped pretty quickly after that. I remember the first week that DH stopped sleeping with SS (who was at the time 7), we were watching TV in the living room after DH put SS to sleep. SS came out and said "its bedtime right, you need to go to your room and go to bed", DH got up and said "ok" and turned of the TV. WTF. I said "no, its YOUR bedtime, we are adults and go to bed later, this is YOUR bedtime" SS went to bed and I turned the TV back on. I couldn't believe SS had that much control over DH, but thats what guilty parenting does.
I guess my main point is that a 3rd party is going to have to point these things out to your DH or you will be the meany. For some reason these men think we are being mean for no reason. Guilty parenting will not help any child.
Thanks for all of the
Thanks for all of the responses. I just made an appointment with a family counselor for Tuesday.
This situation has really come to a head for me. SS is here this weekend (not our weekend, but BM needed a favor), and I just really don't want anything to do with him. If he were a normal kid that was even REMOTELY independent, I don't think he would bother me so much. And, if my DH would be a parent and not a playmate, it would make the situation a lot more tolerable. DH just asked me if I could play with SS so he can go mow the lawn. WTF?!?! Can't he play by himself, or watch tv or something for an hour??!? That's the kind of thing that just really pisses me off.
I've decided to leave the house for the day. I really just can't stand it today - I've had enough.
okay. back to the original
okay. back to the original post. do you think the reason the child interupts you two and seems to want to be right in the middle of you and your husband, is because he feels threatened by you? Sparents tend to think about how the children are affecting them rather than how they are affecting the children. I'm not one to give advice or anything. I'm just an average SM with no degree in this. But think about it from the opposite end of the fence. You're a 6yr old kid. All you've know your entire life thusfar is your dad and your mom. Then without notice, your mom and dad are now apart and there is a new person in town soaking up all your dad/mom's attention. I personal think it's his way of trying to be normal. there is one thing that every child needs almost as much as food/water in order to live any kind of life. that's structure, order, everything in it's proper place. just because they are messy doesn't mean they are not organized. they know how things are supposed to be and when you alter that, they lose control of themselves. don't think of him as a brat or trying to ruin your marriage. he's not old enough to be capable of complex things like revenge or conspiracy. kids are very simple. very black and white. it either is or it isn't. i do agree that he needs discipline and rules. I am myself a very orderly and strict parent. but try to get to know him. take time away from your husband and do something nice for him. let him know that you are okay. he doesn't know you at all. but he processed the chain of events. his parents split and now you're here. so to him you are a part of the reason why he feels so insecure.
He has a PS2, and he plays it
He has a PS2, and he plays it a lot. But, either he wants you playing a game with him, or sitting there watching him play a game. He will only play be himself for maybe 5 minutes at a time.
It's all so ridiculous to me.
Well, his mom and dad broke
Well, his mom and dad broke up when he was three. And, I've been around him since he was about 4. So, this really isn't anything new, in my opinion. I've tried to get to know him. I know he's not intentionally trying to ruin my marriage. However, that's in effect what's happening because my husband and I argue all the time over him, and now we're about to start counseling because of it.
I'm not mean to him. I try to get involved. But, his behavior is so intolerable to me most of the time and DH does nothing about it, I really don't want to be around him.
I think he interrupts because he knows he can get away with it, and he just always wants the attention on him. It's not just with us - he does the same thing to BM. And, she doesn't even have a significant other around him. So, it's not just me.
Why is it ok for him to be a rude, demanding brat just because his mom and dad broke up?
it's never okay for a child
it's never okay for a child to be rude and whatnot. i don't put up with it in my house. but a 6yr old doesn't really understand how to distinguish between trying your best and overshooting it. his dad really needs to sit down and talk with him. but how weak is your marriage that a 6yr old's fit pitching and attention seeking is causing it to break? SM's need to understand. if you can't handle it, leave it alone. i know that you knew he had a child before you married him. you didn't like it from day one. when you married him, you married his children also. when you promised him, you made a promise to them to. stand up and be persistent. the boy will come around. he's just all mixed up right now. divorce affects children of any age. and it affects them a whole lot more than you think it does.
It isn't the child that is
It isn't the child that is threatening to ruin your marriage...it is your DH's way of dealing with him that is. It is so hard to deal with seeing someone parent in a way that you don't agree with especially when it directly affects you. It sounds like this little boy needs some boundaries and guidance instead of coddling and guilt parenting (like most everyone on this site is dealing with). You need to talk to your DH about your concerns and see if you guys might be on the same page as far as needing to make some changes. Good Luck!
You're absolutely right - I'm
You're absolutely right - I'm so aggravated by DH's coddling and guilt parenting! If he would actually be a parent, I believe things would change dramatically.
My DH is on the same page as me, surprisingly. We have started family counseling, and he acknowledges that changes need to be made in how he parents SS (or doesn't, as the case is here). Now, he just has to implement those changes (eye roll).
But, I'm hopeful...we're going to continue with therapy.
How long has he been divorced
How long has he been divorced from his first wife? your stepson is at a very tender age still and is probably in mourning over losing his dad. I know people say that we divorce our spouses but kids go through the divorce process as well. It sounds like your stepson is very insecure and needs that reassurance from his dad right now that he is still important in his life.
I'm not saying to let the kid run a mock, dad still should correct him when he is interrupting any adult conversation. What I'm saying is even though you feel like you do, put the shoe on the other foot for a moment when you really want to rip the kid a new one. Think about how you would feel in his situation. You will still probably feel aggravated, but you will still do the right thing.
Post divorce counseling would be great for this kid. He needs to know that even though his parents aren't together anymore, they still love him very much.