BM of adult SSs clinging to the past.
This is the second year of holidays since their divorce and our moving in together. Last year, the situation was so volatile with BM that she had her own Thanksgiving with her sons, and my bf told his family not to deal with her anymore. However, she appears to have spent the last year working her way back into their hearts. A couple weeks before Thanksgiving, she called my bf and advised him she would be attending Thanksgiving at his family's home. He told her she would NOT, that would be awkward and weird for everyone, and she became very pissed off. I learned of this when talking with his mother at Thanksgiving. I said, "I wasn't aware that you kept icontact with her," and she said,"Oh yes, you don;t just stop loving someone who has been like a daughter for 26 years and gave you 3 grandchildren!" (even though BM cheated on him with countless men, inlcuding my ex, humiliated and crushed him)..
I was speechless. The only thing that made me more speechless was the family prayer before Thanksgiving dinner- led by bf's dad- They PRAYED for BM (their sons weren't even there yet) because she decided to adnit herself to the hospital on Thanksgiving to have some procedure (draining fluid in her neck) after she learned she wouldn;t be allowed to crash he ex' family Thanksgiving. She was the ONLY person they prayed for. She succeeded (in bf's words) in making Thanksgiving about her.
I have a son. If any woman ever hurts him the way BM hurt my man, I would have no room for her in my heart or in my home. I don't care how many years or how many grandchildren. I am a child of divorce- my mom is on her 4th marriage- in my extensive experience, once you divorce, you also divorce your in laws. All 3 "kids" are well grown (22 to 26 y.o). I feel like BMis trying to prove something- keeping her claws in his family. I'm over it. I am also working on developing relationships with these people, and she is muddying that water.
Am I being unreasonable to expect her to let go and move on?? I am now dreading what she will pull on Christmas eve at his parents' home.
It's nut...
She would have lookd really pathetic crashing your family dinner. Still it's completely inappropriate for the in-laws to invite her. Your bf needs to set the boundaries and let them know if they continue to invite her to family holidays you BOTH won't attend.
You have far bigger problems
Thand BFs mom inviting his ex over. Has BF gotten a job or are he and SS still mooching off you? That to me is the far bigger issue
He is working. His son will
He is working. His son will be going to jail as soon as he is sentenced.
Jail can't happen soon enough
Jail can't happen soon enough IMHO. And SO's continued residence in your home and his access to your support should be tied to his employment. At least until he has proven dedication, stability and character for a number of years to justify your tolerance of him long term.
IMHO of course.
When my parents broke up one
When my parents broke up one of the biggest things that worried me is the idea that my dad’s family may reject her. Exactly what your MIL said is what my family said. My mother is their daughter and had been officially for 24 years. Divorcing my dad didn’t change that. If they rejected my mother I don’t think I would have any contact with them because of it.
Now my mother never cheated on my father and he was the one to blame for their relationship falling apart but the fact still stands that relationships don’t just die when people break up. Your MIL has her own relationship with BM and has her reasons for maintaining it. She IS the MOTHER of her grandchildren. She was a part of her life for decades.
On top of this they are clearly Christian and if I’m correct the rules of the religion are to FORGIVE and LOVE those who have hurt you even more. To connect with the sinner and hope that your good example will help them become better in God’s light. Yada yada yada.
Either way you can’t control what MIL does and getting yourself worked up is useless. If you try to demand that MIL do something just because of how you feel you may find that you guys are the one’s not welcomed in the future.
thumbs down
thumbs down
It's one thing to be civil to
It's one thing to be civil to your child's ex, to talk to them on the phone. It's entirely another to invite them to the family holiday meal. Yes, they were a part of the family for however many years, but they no longer are.
Parents, who choses to invite the ex to an intimate family dinner, would be in my case, be choosing not to see the bio child at said dinner. If you want to socialize with the ex, do it when your bio child is not present.
The ex isn't a part of that family
Yes they can have a separate relationship, but should never include the stalking ex at the family celebrations.
One of my in-laws long term bf stole a lot of expensive things from her just before she broke up with him. He also sent a letter to her employer trying to get her fired. Long story, BUT her aunt invited him to lunch some months later. Needless to say after the niece found out she decided her "family" was more important than a horrible outsider. She didn't want to lose her niece.
DH's family continued to
I feel for you fully and completely. DH's family continued to invite BM to evey family function for years because she threatened to cut off contact to the kids. They had taken her side in the divorce (middle school/early high school age) as they had been taught from the knee that she was their only REAL parent and dad was a walking wallet only. Basic SAHM situation with dad working insane hours to pay the bills. Needless to say, I was not welcome and DH's attendance was not only a sore spot between us but also a miserable experience for him all around. He essentially sat in the corner and was glared at by everyone.
It took years and him finally withdrawing his financial support for these little shindigs for this to stop!
It sounds like they are the
It sounds like they are the ones holding onto the relationship more than her. They invited her to Thanksgiving, they still love her like a daughter and they prayed for her. At least you know what kind of dynamic you're putting your life energy into.
When my brother and his first
When my brother and his first wife divorced my parents, myself and the other siblings remained very close to his ex. We also retained close ties to her parents and siblings. BUT - she was NEVER included in any family events that included my brother. One does not have to cut off an ex - but that doesn’t mean that anything goes.
I don’t think it is out of
I don’t think it is out of line for them to have a relationship with her, although overlooking the things she did to their son is a bit generous to her, if you ask me... I personally don’t have a very close family, and have gotten close to ex’s parents in prior relationships. I still talk to them occasionally, and this is 15yrs later. I hate the train of thought that just because you break up, you need to completely cut people you care about out of your life completely. Now, should they invite me to family holidays where my ex and his gf would be there? Absolutely not. Why would they want to put their own son in that position? And BM should know better than to go. There is an appropriate way to continue the relationship, and it doesn’t involve family holidays with your SO.
This makes a great
This makes a great deal of sense to me. I was frankly very bent out of shape when BM basically blackmailed my inlaws into including her in family celebrations and excluding me. That is over but it is not like I am going to forget it and be especially snuggly toward them. DH doesn't like it but I still make cracks about remembering to put on my Scarlet Letter when going to see them. LOL But if they had genuinely liked her as a person and wanted to carry on a separate relationship that would have been entirely their business. There are some 360 days of the year that are not holiday related for them to have as much interaction as their hearts desire. Have dinner every other Thursday night for all I care! But deliberately making family gatherings awkward and uncomfortable for their actual son because they were being held hostage by a vindictive woman who they were never close to during the marriage was weak and creepy. It sounds like you handled the breakup of your marriage and maintaining a relationship with people you actually liked gracefully and very differently than the women we are talking about here.
OP, I hope you and your H
OP, I hope you and your H aren't planning to spend Christmas with the in-laws?
Don't reward their boundary stomping. Celebrate with your family, or spend Christmas in a snowy lodge. Start you own traditions, and send the message that the in-laws can have H and you or BM, but not both.
Exactly!
Life is to short to allow others to put a damper on holidays. Yes start your own traditions if they continue to behave that way. The son can see them other times. Problem solved!
Yes we will be having
Yes we will be having Christmas eve dinner at his parents. However, he turns 50 the following week and I am hosting a dinner out for him, his sons, his parents and brothers and their families. His mom offered to make him a cake. I am working on developing my own relationship with her, which I know takes time. I stopped just short of telling her the ex isn't invited.
Sounds to me like
It sounds to me like you better tell her because I don't think it is to far out in left field for the MIL to invite her to YOUR party and worse yet the ex sounds like she would show up!!!
What is wrong with the ex and lacking in her life that she wants to be spending holidays with her ex-husbands family?
And to the rest of the comments on it being the parents house and they have a right to maintain a relationship with the ex and she is a daughter to them and so on ... I so totally disagree!!!!!!!!
Yes it is their house and sure I suppose they can have relationships with anyone they want but it does not make it right!! I truly believe that you DO NOT carry on a relationship with someone that has hurt your child and causes issues in their life. As far as being the mother of their grandchildren and the emotional blackmail I also read if you don't have a relationship with my mother you can't with me that is all just that emotional blackmail and wrong!
If my mother had ever remained friends with the person that hurt me and was turning my life upside down I think, no I know that would put a serious strain if not end my relationship with my mother. She would not need to maintain a relationship with the ex to see her grandchildren what about seeing the grandchildren through her own child?? This is all wrong on so many levels. It is beyond disloyal of your MIL to have anything to do with the ex!!!!
Thank you Sandy Beaches! Part
Thank you Sandy Beaches! Part of the issue is that MIL was sheilded from the extent of cheating, lying ,abuse and disrespect BM did over a quarter of a century marriage. It has been kept under wraps. But I know the truth. And BM does not have a life. She has a criminal record and eviction record a mile long so she is dependent on my other 2 adult SSs to support her and give her a place to live. Honestly- I think she is waiting for our relationship to crack so she can pounce on him- but she underestimates me, and us. She will never get her dirty claws back into him.
I don't think it's
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to let go and move on. My elder daughter is divorced from her husband, these last 3 yrs, they have 2 sons, 8 and 5. My ex-SIL has another partner and my daughter is civil and co-operative with her - which just goes to show it's possible (unlike the psycho NPD BM in my life) but would not dream of muscling her way into her ex in-laws lives in such a way.
It just strikes me as inappropriate on her part, and on theirs, to encourage it.
I think I would have picked
I think I would have picked up on the BM centric prayer after the ILs finished their turn with "Heavenly Father, please correct t he character flaws in BM that motivated her to be an adulterous whore and cheat on my dear partner with more than a dozen men including my XH who is justly wallowing in a similar character-less cess pool with BM. Thank you Lord for delivering just rewards to all in this situation appropriate to their choices and behaviors. And Lord.... please give my ILs clarity as to the depravity that this woman has perpetrated against this family."
Lather, rinse, repeat... until either clarity sinks in or... they write this POS off and focus on those in the family worthy of love.
IMHO of course.
Have a great Holiday.
My XH did not have a good
My XH did not have a good relationship with my family. He couldn't wait to get away from them when we visited. Funny, when we divorced he became BEST FRIENDS with them and went to visit my Mom on his own. Even took his new wife to visit her. Totally weird to me.
But my XH was never invited to a family function -- I maintained family status, and he did not. I can't imagine any other scenario. But I have no problem with any of my family maintaining a relationship with him. I just don't want to be around him.
The Ex Admitting Herself To The Hospital
Was a tactic to assure she’d dominate the Thanksgiving gathering. Especially since she was invited, then conveniently absent. Thank
My DH’s decades long ex hasn’t dated or moved on. She’d make s great leading character in a Tennessee Williams play. In the beginning she was like “VISA, it’s everyehere you want to be!” She’d never miss an opportunity to reminisce about the good o’l days, asking me if DH still did this or that. Telling me all about how they met, again and again. There was no point to it, except to inflict frustration and aggravation . I finally talked with DH and we put a stop to it.
Exs are just that, and for good reason.
If the in-laws wantvto msibrain their relationship with her, great! So be it, just not at the expense of their son and his current partner.
There are 365 days in the year. Surely they can visit the other 363, and reserve Thanksgiving and Christmas for their son and his partner.
Good grief!