How should I comfort my SD
My SD came up to her father and myself and expressed that she feels like her BM does not love her. The reason why is SD said that her "BM is always angry and yells at her." SD father responded with "would you like to talk to your BM about this?" SD responded saying she did not think that would help and was scared to speak to BM. SD father said " Would you like me to come with you to talk to BM?" SD agreed to the assitance but when he approached BM about the topic BM she already hid into her office building and locked the door. He then later OFW to the BM about the concern SD told him...with no response from BM.
Any time SD brings up about not feeling loved by her BM, SD father replies "she loves you very much. Sometimes you mom gets stressed." Usually SD mentions her lack- of-love feeling to her father; however, recently has now started to tell me her feelings about her BM when her father is not with us. I respond by saying the same thing he does with the same tone of voice he does (loving, soft and compassionate). However, I don't always find this comforts my SD and she becomes angry and sulky. I realize I cannot change BM's behavior but I can make sure my SD feels love, cared for and secure from myself and my husband.
How can I comfort my SD without overstepping any boundaries? How can I make sure my SD feels safe, secure and loved when she is with my husband and myself? What things did stepmoms find to help foster a loving relationship between step children and themselves?
Yeah, stay out of it. Just
Yeah, stay out of it. Just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. let's go play!" or something of the sort.
I'm going to go ahead and
I'm going to go ahead and give you an answer that might bring you down a bit.
My SD7 has been with us full time since 2 years old (she was with my husband full-time since 9 months when BM walked away). She sees her mom during the summer and the odd holiday here and there. Her mom doesn't call. She often looks for her mom's approval from us ie. "does mom miss me?" because I know on some level, she knows her mother lacks the ability to love her.
I have gone above and beyond trying to fill that roll in the past - because I felt like maybe I could make her not worry about her mom's lack of love for her. I thought maybe I could replace the need for a mother's love. NOPE. She still wants that with her mother, no matter how little she gets - she seems to want MORE the less she gets.
I know, 100%, she would pick mom over me anyday. And I'm the most involved parent she's got and have been for 5 years now. I do all the birthday party planning, gift buying, general care like making sure she has clothes for each season, all of it and she knows it. In fact, she went through a phase where she would play with something she KNEW i bought and say "mommy got this for me."
I've just accepted the fact that I can't fix BMs mistake. I can't "make up" for the lack of love BM has for her. I won't ever be able to. So I settle for a good relationship and don't worry about the rest. I don't put everything into it like I do for my son, because I know one day, she'll go to BM and live there because BM will decide she's bored, unfulfilled, and want to be a mom again. I personally don't want this to break my heart, so I keep myself on the sidelines lately and for the foreseeable future.
I agree with this. I had
I agree with this. I had something similar happen to me. I eventually disengaged after ss got older. I just couldn't take it anymore.
Now ss is 23 and really only communicates with Dh. My relationship with ss could be described as civil.
I guess it may not happen in every case but be prepared for it.
Yep. It's rough.
Yep. It's rough.
Last year, in an effort to teach SD about giving back, I bought a bunch of supplies to make christmas gifts. I asked her who she wanted to make them for...
Guess who does all the shopping for SD's christmas gifts? Me. Mom and dad don't do any shopping. BM hasn't given her a christmas gift ever. It definitely hurt. This year, I didn't bother trying to get her to "give back" because I knew it would just piss me off. My husband stays home taking care of her baby brother so I'm the only one financially supporting her and buying her gifts with my own money.
When my son is older and I teach him about "giving back" at christmas time, I'm sure he'll always, always make something for me first and foremost. SD will probably get upset that I don't include her/give her money to shop, but I won't contribute to someone completely disregarding me in my own home.
I wouldn’t bother
Sounds like a manipulation tactic to me. A trap that we have fallen into before with the stepchildren who embellished similar stories for attention.
Don’t give it a second’s further thought.
Be careful
sometimes this is a precursor to playing one parent against the other. I would just say something like "oh i'm sorry you feel that way you should probably talk to your mom" and then leave it at that. see if completely changing the subject works also like oh i'm sorry do you want to go watch a movie.
Don’t over impose yourself,
Don’t over impose yourself, keep it light. I would just say “Well SD, I’m sure you are mistaken..... you are the most loveable kid around!”. Then change the topic.
Dont play into the games, reject the drama.