You sound so confused to me. Do you want to be in a relationship with this man, or not? Sounds like his "doing right by his daughter" is non-negotiable. (I call it enabling and he's crippling her in the long run, but if he wants to call it "doing right," ok.)

If you can't tolerate his enabling behavior, then cut off the relationship entirely. No trying to maintain a romantic connection. A professional relationship at work will be hard enough, but that's probably doable if you like what you do.

If you think you CAN tolerate his behavior toward his daughter, then you have to find a way to let go of the anger. Individual counseling first, couples counseling after that (or in conjunction with). He is not taking your feelings into consideration AT ALL, it seems to me. Think about why you even want to be with a guy like that.

Personally, I would not go to the family gathering until you can get sorted out what you want to do. Stop sending mixed messages, and stop tolerating HIS mixes messages.

I'm sorry this is so hard, especially at this time of the year. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Yikes we are in the same boat. Also in a 20 year relationship with a man who has an adult child (aka albatross) and we own a business together. Same story line, we have to help unemployed stoner 30 yo SS because that is what families do.... yadi, yada. What I always wondered if DH ever gave a rat's tail how enabling his adult child was a fair deal to me? It sounds like your significant other thinks that it is equitable for you to have to share the burden of supporting his adult child and her family too. Did you ever discuss this subject with him? Why would it be a fair deal for DH to ask me to bail SS out of jail, buy him a replacement car (the last one was totaled in 4 months), pay his utilities (he spent the money his mother sent him for something else), buy his groceries (he doesn't have a job and he ain't looking either) and wait for it..... buy him $150 worth of weed from the local dispensary. WTH is going on in an otherwise intelligent persons brain when they summarize this in their mind???

"Doing right by his adult daughters"?? At the expense of his marriage. FFS. I just can't even with some of these men. I hope he's happy when he's single and living with his daughter and her family, because no other woman will touch him with a ten foot pole.

That is how it was done back in the day?  Uhm, no.  Extended family did not live together with the parent working and paying for everything with the rest sponging off of them.  Extended family lived together with all adults working either outside the home to bring in money which was pooled for the common good or inside the home caring for children and keeping the home running efficiently.  Everyone had a purpose and no one had a free ride.  You are well out of that dysfunctional view of how things used to be!

And I agree that splitting the business may be in order.  You may have to get an attorney involved for that to happen fairly.  There are many who specialize in business valuation and separation.  You may be better off making alternate holiday plans.  Being over there really sounds awkward and uncomfortable.  A peaceful day alone, even if it is lonely, sounds better than what could be weird at best and openly hostile at worst.

I would take things one step at a time.  First, don't go to the holiday gathering.  It's not worth enduring.  IMO, you would be much better off doing something with friends, family or even strangers! 

For example, there are many nursing home residents who don't get any visitors during the holidays.  See if it's not too late where you can volunteer at one of them - most of the time they welcome it!   Or another option is a local "Meal on Wheels" where you could deliver the day's meals (and some holiday cheer) to seniors who are living at home but have limited mobility.

Do good where you can, and it will make you feel better.  Then you can make a better assessment about your own life and decide how to place your feet moving forward.  

The holidays are tough. But it gets easier! The romantic relationship can’t work where there is so much resentment and anger. BTDT - finally had to admit to myself that it can’t happen. It’s unhealthy, self-neglecting, and damn near impossible to share your body with someone who betrayed you...and that will also contribute to your anger and resentment. It’s like you’re giving yet another piece of yourself to someone who didn’t take care of your heart the first go round. Don’t take as long as I did to realize the folly of it. Ignore the holidays! Find some awesome old comedies on Netflix or Hulu, or dig into some mindless mystery novels and enjoy some me time. You’ll survive and it will be over before you know it. (((Hugs)))

Dup

"Thou shalt enable thy children for all of thy days, thus sayeth the Lord"...is not found anywhere in any scriptures.  In fact a married couple is supposed to LEAVE their mother and father and cleave unto each other according to Christian doctrine.  Daughter is not supposed to cleave to her father but to her husband!  

There are cultures that live intergenerationally but usually the wife moves into the husbands family home and takes a place of servitude under her new MIL.  Women are generally still viewed as property in most places around the world, thus the tradition of taking of our husbands name.  

Therefore, the only one suffering is you. You have got to cut off the benefits if you are unhappy with how things are going you know?  If he is looking for a larger house, there is your sign what he wants. 

 My DH is just like yours. "Our children are always welcome back."  SS moved  back a year and a half totally supported with no chores or job. We provided totally, DH even gave him cash for food when we went somewhere for dinner alone! He was 24 for heaven's sake! DH started feeling the ultimatum coming from me and made him move on. Now he seems happy with his studio apartment and job and I am sooo relieved but cautious it will last. If I were you I'd take another step back and no gifts or contact with SO over the holidays at all. Take time to pamper yourself and decide what and who you want to live with.