SD is staying the night and is up DH's ass..
And I'm so frikking annoyed right now. She said hi to me and I said hi back but that was it. She is following DH around like a puppy and is talking about playing video games at BM's and is going to ask her to bring her new game over.. And has mentioned BM at least 5 times in the 30 minutes she's been here.
We have a chair in our room and she is just sitting there and won't stop talking then stands in the doorway talking about trivial things with DH. And DH keeps coming to the room and she just follows and is petting the dogs. I feel so stupid for being mad that she's here but I just am and DH of course is happy as a clam.
Now she's in her room at 7:30 and is going back to BM's in the morning. She came over to basically just go hang out by herself and go to bed.
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Your husband
has barely seen this child for weeks so why isn't he engaging with her in some way? He could be playing a board game, baking some cookies, asking about school etc. He could be acting as parent to this child instead of having her hang out by herself. It's sad that she has two useless parents. It really is.
He spent most of Monday with
He spent most of Monday with her and a few hours on Tuesday. This is just the first time she's stayed the night. They played video games all day Monday and probably Tuesday because he bought her a game.
So..
.Take this opportunity to revise the house rules. SD is getting older and she's expressed concerns about how the house is run. There was apparently confusion before about what the rules are, anyhow. Sit down with your DH, come up with clear and solid rules, print them out and make sure everyone has a copy. Make your bedroom off limits now.
I would also suggest having nanny cams in shared spaces to protect everyone. Your DH will have to act like an actual adult and SD will have to tell the truth. It's not even a bad idea to have them around for the actual baby if you plan on having a babysitter in your home.
If he's so happy to have her
If he's so happy to have her there, why isn't he interacting with her?
I feel sorry for SD and your daughter. Their father is a dud.
I'd be livid and spending the
I'd be livid and spending the night elsewhere. None of the issues with CPS were resolved, everyone's just rugsweeping. It will come back to bite you in the ass.
Unfortunately, he broke the
Unfortunately, he broke the news 20 minutes before she was dropped off and I'd been up since 4am with only 4 hours of sleep but I wasn't happy. He is like Binky's husband, playing BM's game and the "I just want to see my kid" card since SD put on the water works last week.
Then I saw his texts to BM and she was asking if I'd be home tomorrow or if SD needed to go back to her house. I don't know why BM thinks I want to spend the day with her kid who could potentially get my baby taken away. It's unreal.
OH! And BM offered him their leftover spaghetti and ended her texts with "I love you guys". Where does she get this shit from??!
Your DH is useless father
That is what SD is acting out
Has your DH talked to SD
Has your DH talked to SD about the whole CPS incident? It still seems to me that all of his information came third and second hand through BM. Did he ever find out from CPS directly what SD said?
I am a bit confused about your post - how can she be both "up DH's ass" and hanging out by herself? In one way you are upset she is talking so much and in the other way you are upset she went to her room at 7:30. It seems not matter what the child does it is wrong.
I realize you have had a very rough go with everything, but at this point it doesn't seem like anything short of SD never coming around is going to make you happy. Which I understand - but if you are going to ever find any peace you need to figure out how to come to terms with things. Your DH is not going to change and become a better parent to SD and he may not be any better with your daughter either.
No he hasn't said anything to
No he hasn't said anything to anyone about the investigation and the CYFD lady hasn't followed up with a home visit. I don't know how to come to terms with this.
That is some
That is some seriously shady behavior. He won't talk to his daughter about what she did or did not say to CPS, he won't contact CPS to get the issue resolved, and he won't file a contempt or a modification to go on the offensive with BM withholding contact? He is just a helpless damsel in distress waiting for the winds of fate to blow while you fret about the possible consequences to your life and your soon to be born child? How is he not afraid to close his eyes and sleep next to you every night?
Now BM isn't withholding
Now BM isn't withholding contact and SD called him last Friday crying that she hasn't seen him and her friends are telling her it's all her fault so he feels bad for his little girl. Eyeroll. BM even offered him spaghetti last night and her last text to him was "I love you guys". Wtf?
BM is playing him
BM is playing him (people don't change like that without an agenda) and it IS SD's fault. She started this sh*t storm and shielding her from that fact is not doing her any favors. If she doen't learn this lesson now, the thought of the lies she will tell down the line when it is convenient is chilling. And the specter of CPS hanging over your home with a newborn coming in is terrifying. Sorry girl.
I know she is. And I'm sure
I know she is. And I'm sure GBM is telling her that she's being dramatic because we all know DH isn't a danger to his kid. I, on the other hand, am on edge just thinking about SD being over and it's sickening that they're acting like nothing happened.
AND I know it's all a game because BM texts him saying "SD wants to come over". What is DH supposed to say without looking horrible?? That she can't come over so that he looks even worse than before? Oh, and on Xmas she wouldn't let SD stay because she "didn't feel comfortable that he wouldn't drink". Why was last night any different?
I can only imagine.
I can only imagine. I know you want things to work out and to be able to live a happy life with your DH and new daughter. But I hope that you have a just in case the sh*t hits the fan plan. Right now it looks like CPS is not taking this seriously but if they ever do, or if either BM or SD decides that they enjoyed the taste of power this gave them and does this again in a bigger way, you are going to need to be able to demonstrate to CPS that you can keep your child safe during any time that they may deem your DH unsafe to be around children. That means a place to stay and cash to live on independently of him just in case he views your leaving to keep your child out of the system as a "betrayal" of him. Hopefully you will never need it but that is why we buy insurance. An ER plan and cash stash that only you know about and can get to is no different than an insurance policy.
Edited to add: And yes, I would have advised him to tell BM that until the CPS issue was straightened out he would not be meeting with SD alone or in his home. That it was far too dangerous for him, you, and your child to have an open investigation with an allegation of abuse, substance abuse, and destruction of property against him pending to go about life as usual. That he probably would not have listened would have convinced me that he did not understand the seriousness of the issue and had no intention of actually addressing it.
I told DH in the beginning
I told DH in the beginning that if it's even hinted that custody of our daughter is threatened that I'm out. He just thinks I'm being over the top and said I can't take our daughter away like BM has always done with SD but I'd rather live separately than lose my kid to the state.
I am not
I am not sure why that would even be an open question for him unless he is congenitally stupid.
Maybe
The following around and meaningless chatter is her way of breaking the ice and asking him to reassure her that everything is ok. If she can get him to engage in a positive way, or even a lack of negative response, she won't feel so awkward and anxious?
I agree with the above poster that DH should have maybe interacted with her more. This would have been a great opportunity to restart SD's role in the house and reaffirm the rules. Is she usually allowed in your room?
I guess I didn't mind before
I guess I didn't mind before if she was in our room but last night was just too much for me. He did spend almost all day Monday and a few hours Tuesday with her but she's never so clingy. I was just annoyed and tired.
Contradictions
I don’t see how she came over to hang out by herself. She clearly came over to be with DH and that is why she was following him around and constantly talking.
Perhaps she went to her room early because she gave up trying as he isn’t being a parent.
Poor girl will have to have ton of therapy in adulthood after growing up with such father.
"Poor girl will have to have
"Poor girl will have to have ton of therapy in adulthiood after growing up with such father. "
EXACTLY
In a few years, the OP will learn what BM has known for years. Once she is fed up and finally says enough, she may discover that her and BM will be viewing dad through the same parenting lens.
No, she came over so that her
No, she came over so that her father would actually pay attention to her. And talk to her. Hell, she'd probably be delighted if he yelled and screamed at her.
All this girl has ever wanted from her dad is attention, and he has given her ALL the wrong kind. In his efforts to be "cool" and "fun" dad, he fed right into her child-centric melodrama.
No one in her life, except maybe her SF, has been consistent in how they treat her. BM and DH both float between good cop/coddling cop, and you are either ice cold or your heart melts into a puddle for her. It's no wonder she's all over the place, and everyone has allowed her to act older because she got to skip a grade.
The girl has had ZERO structure ever. She gets thrown from one deep end to the next. She went from 50/50 with dad to not seeing him at all. AND HE DIDN'T DO ONE GD THING TO ADDRESS THE SITUATION.
So don't go trashing a 12 year old who has grown up with two lackluster parents and a SM who has been all over the board with whether she likes her one day to the next. This is ENTIRELY the making of you all (and you included because you have been told for years now to either get consistent or back off). Don't go blaming her without turning the mirror directly on yourselves.
It's all a game, LD. BM told
It's all a game, LD. BM told DH initially that she was keeping SD away and she technically could because as a "parent", she "wasn't comfortable" with sending SD over. Then she has SD call DH the next week crying that she wants to see him and her life is so hard because her friends are shunning her. Then SD was allowed to come over on Monday and Tuesday and BM "wasn't comfortable that he wouldn't drink" then but last night was different? And texting him saying SD wants to come over? What is he supposed to say?
"No. Not until
"No. Not until the CPS issue is resolved. I will not be meeting with her alone or at my home. I would love to see her however. You can drop her off at X restaurant for dinner at 6 pm and pick her up at 8 pm."
"Sorry BM, until CPS visits
"Sorry BM, until CPS visits my home and clears me, SD isn't coming over."
OR
"BM, I am directing all communication through my attorney."
OR
He files for 50/50 or primary custody.
OR
He sticks to the CO.
OR
He cuts off all contact with SD and BM.
OR
He calls CPS on BM for smoking pot around SD.
OR
He talks to his daughter to find out WTF is going on, and to the school to find out WTF is going on.
He has literally done NOTHING to make this or any other situation better. HE PLAYS THE GAME. HE HELPS MAKE THE RULES FOR THE GAME. HE ENJOYS THE GAME.
And I'm not even talking about just *this* incident. This has been YEARS in the making. He doesn't want to put in the work of being a father. He doesn't want to put in the work of putting BM in her place. He doesn't want to actually parent his child.
Look, my DH has similar qualities to yours when it comes to handling BM, but my DH actually spends time with his kids. He actually teaches them manners. Punishes them. Helps them with homework. Helps them pursue hobbies. Participates in activities he doesn't support but they like/enjoy. Your DH doesn't do one iota of those things. At best, he yells at SD.
Your DH is a lazy parent, and he enjoys drama. Plain and simple. If he wasn't lazy, and if he didn't like drama, he'd nip all of this. But he doesn't. It's easier to be a buddy than a parent. And that's exactly how he, and BM, and you, have acted towards SD.
DH probably doesn’t really
DH probably doesn’t really want to know details about CPS or what SD said because he likely knows she said the truth and he doesn’t want to admit the truth to himself, not only to others. Truth about anger and drinking and leaving her home a lot while dad and SM are out partying and drinking. He likely just want to be in denial
I really don’t understand being mad at SD for sharing in therapy. That’s what therapy for.
I have asked
the OP this a couple of times as well. She is absolutely livid that this child would express what happened in therapy and now doesn't want her around because she didn't keep her mouth shut. That concerns me and leads me to believe that dad was out of control and tipsy the night of the phoen throwing (if not flat out drunk).
I have always told my kids that the moment an adult tells you something is a secret (unless about a gift or a surprise party) and is upset that you would share with another trusted adult then there is something wrong and you should share it.
To OP's credit, this issue
To OP's credit, this issue isn't that SD told. The issue is that, maybe, possibly, SD or BM told a mandatory reporter or CPS directly that DH was raging and punching holes in the wall. Not that he threw a phone down the hallway. The lying about what happened is what OP is upset about.
BUT, because her DH hasn't done any follow-up with anyone, OP has no idea what was actually said by whom or to whom. SD could have embellished, as teens are wont to do, and made it sound much worse than it actually was, which triggered all of this. If that's the case, SD probably IS remorseful because this will be the first time that her lying has actual consequences.
Or, SD told the counselor what actually happened, which prompted a call to BM, who claimed her ex is a drunk and she wouldn't be surprised if he put holes in the walls, and then it got reported to CPS.
Or SD told BM the truth or a lie and BM ran to CPS.
Or BM just made stuff up that happened to coincide with the phone-throwing incident.
OR the counselor heard what they wanted to hear and reported it to CPS, and then it took on a life of its own.
Any which way you slice it, OP shouldn't be getting mad at anyone EXCEPT her DH until there are answers. And he isn't doing anything to demand those answers.
I have to agree
I have to agree here. Unless and until the DH goes directly to his daughter with "Why does CPS believe that I put a hole in the wall? Did that come from you or not? It is time for absolute truth so that we can put all of this behind us." this is not going to come close to ending. Even when CPS closes the case it will still be hanging over the house. He needs to man up and stop being afraid to talk to his own child.
This is exactly it. The
This is exactly it. The officer only asked DH if he abused alcohol or had anger issues. No one has told DH what the actual accusations were and he won't talk to SD about it. I told him to call the CPS lady today and find out what's going on before SD comes back.
Why such contradictions
You were mad that BM withheld SD because supposedly she was only “advised” to keep her away from dad. Now you are mad that BM isn’t withholding SD even though she was “adviced” to do so
Then you are mad that SD is bothering dad, then in the same post you are mad that she went to her room alone
You used to be mad that SD didn’t come over often, then you were mad that SD was coming over often
its constant confusion on your part. I wonder if you would benefit from seeing therapist yourself
I've went through some of your old posts...
And I am confused as to why you are putting so much fault on SD? Everything you write has a glaring problem - your DH. He doesn't appear to be a good father. SD wants her dad to love her and seems to be trying to get that attention however she can. Whether it's by being a bratty kid, talking his ear off, or either rightfully or wrongly telling her therapist about the event that transpired with the cellphone, she is vying for his attention and he's failing her so incredibly bad.
Why do you think he's going to treat your daughter any different?
One of the things I love about marrying someone already a father is I see exactly what kind of parent he's going to be. In my situation, I like what I see. What do you like about what you see in yours?
Well, actually, whatever it
Well, actually, whatever it is you were now able to read are the OP's newer postings. You missed the oldest postings as this is a second go round under a newer created account.
The first go-round would have left your head spinning. There's a long history of alcohol and 'soft' drugs and poor parenting.
That's even worse!
How unfortunate. Her SD is being set up to fail, but all the blame is going to be placed on SD by her stepmom. Those are some lovely rose colored glasses.
DH’s solution to all this is
DH’s solution to all this is not to stop drinking and doing drugs and curb his anger and actually starting to parent and it’s not even to call CPS find out what is happening, his solution is to tell BM that he doesn’t approve counseling for SD anymore. It’s telling