So a few ups and a few downs- super long so read if ya have time! lol

After New years i tried to talk to him a few times and he made the phone calls short - i expected that the way he was sulking- so i figured id give him a few nights then on friday or saturday we could really talk- no kid weekend.

well he sends me an email- and I was a little irritated by it but was not mad till the end. What he wrote really got me.

A little background on the effing cassett tape:  ok he is a bit nerdy- he loves records, going to record stores...he knows and retains names of singers producers- he is one of those people that if a guy produces an albulm and he hates the albulm he will never listen to anthing that comes out by that producer- same with movies. so my girlfriend also is a cassette VhS kind of person- when CDs came out i was all in i never went back to cassettes unless i had to.

Anyway these two are talking about cassettes and records- i made it clear buy my comment of "ugh why do you even keep them? most cars are CD ... when CDs came out i was done with cassettes" so why on earth would this man make me a mixtape for a christmas present?  I did not even want to exchange presents because o felt like it was to early. so he goes on and on about this present- i finally go to my friend and tell her that i think he is making me a mixtape- she is all oh no!  really?  i had no idea what to do my face is just my face and everyone knows when i dislike something- anyway he comes to visit the next weekend and brings this up to my friend- she tries to tell him as nicely as she can that i wont like it, and asked if he can put it on CD. he get upset. so cat outta the bag we end up talking about it.  I asked him to save if for valentines day since it meant so much to him that i listen to it, like no I do not want it for christmas when we are leaving and im fully focused on the trip- i figured valentines day would be nice just us he could explain he song selection whatever, and then id never listen to it again as i dont have a cassette player anywhere. but whatever.

whew- sorry- he makes reference to this in his letter- and i had to let ya'll know why he brought it up in his letter-

*** HIS email***

I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking. I’m not sure if you noticed it or not, but I haven’t exactly been “up” lately. I understood you being upset not being with you children on Christmas. I knew it wouldn’t be an easy time for you. That was a major driving factor for the trip. I wanted to show you a fun time so you weren’t focused on the fact. When you got upset, I expected that. I did my best to try and comfort you, but also give you space. I wasn’t upset or mad. But there were a few times where I was feeling down too. I do my best to try and mask it. I want to be strong for you.

I’ve debated if I even wanted to bring this up. But it’s still eating away at me. I spent several months working on your Christmas gift. I don’t know if you remember what was involved in making someone a tape, but it’s a lot of work. I spent so many hours listening for the perfect songs. I know I’ve brought it up before, a tape isn’t an exciting gift in modern times. But, it’s about the symbolism. It’s like you didn’t put yourself in my shoes and think about all the time and effort that I put into it. You made me a hat, which was the most touching gift you could’ve given me. If I had rejected that gift, you would’ve been hurt (justifiably). Yes, I know I didn’t wear it much on vacation. But, that was because it’s a very warm hat and the weather didn’t justify such a warm hat. I get hot easily. The point is, you made it for me, so I love it. It was from the heart and really meant something to me. That was what the tape was supposed to be for you. But, you don’t go seeking out tapes.

However, the more pressing issue is New Year’s, which stung pretty hard. When we discussed the vacation, you agreed that we’d be spending NYE together. By your own volition, I know holidays don’t mean a lot to you. But, that doesn’t mean that they don’t mean a lot to others. New Year’s is very much a couples holiday. The idea of being around the people you love to celebrate the optimism of a fresh year. The old adage is, the people who spend the New Year with are the people you’ll spend the year with.  On New Year’s we make promises to ourselves to be the change we wish to see. I understand those are generally thrown to the wayside. But, regardless, it’s the symbolism of the New Year, fresh start and optimism. I was looking forward to kissing you at the stroke of midnight. But, rather than having a romantic evening with you, I spent it completely alone. I had planned on spending it with you. So, I didn’t have a contingency plan. Rather than spending what should’ve been our first New Year together, I spent it alone in my house. It was probably one of the all-time most depressing moments of my entire life. Then to make matters worse, when I called you, you were all smiles, laughing, and having a good time. You were around your friends and singing karaoke. I could literally feel like heart shatter. You were enjoying yourself and celebrating while I sat alone. Seeing you all carefree and happy makes me feel like you weren’t thinking about me being sad and lonely. I was sitting at home. Alone on New Year’s. Your concern wasn’t with me or how I was feeling. You haven’t even asked me how I’m doing. As hard as it is for me to understand you being without your children on Christmas, it’s that hard for you to understand what it is like to spend 95% of your waking life alone. New Year’s Eve was supposed to be in the 5%. New Year’s isn’t a holiday that has a postponement date. It’s like the 4th of July. You either celebrate it that day or not at all. And yes, I know what you are thinking. I didn’t tell you to stay. But, how was I supposed to? How am I supposed to tell you to stay and have mandatory fun with me? If I say stay then I am being a controlling person. I didn’t have time to make other arrangements. But, I was so crushed at that point that I wouldn’t have enjoyed myself if I had done anything. I didn’t want to be anywhere you weren't or with anyone else. I only wanted to be with you. Your solution was for me to follow you to your place and then I’d have to make that drive home with all the drunks on the road.  But the situation made me feel very much like an afterthought.

My last thoughts are these, I don’t know what we are. I know you have to be mindful of social media. I don’t care about Facebook. That’s the furthest thing from my mind. We’re on the cusp of 6 months since our first date and I don’t even know what we are. You say you can’t be all in. I don’t know what that means either. Does that mean Facebook or some other arbitrary thing? Does that mean that you can’t be all in with your heart? I really have no idea. For far too long my ex-wife didn’t appreciate the things I did or treat me as a priority. You’ve said you noticed this when I do things for attention. I guess I am guilty of that. I have felt invisible for such a long time that I am waiting for someone to actually see me and care.

I don’t want you to misconstrue the purpose of this letter. I am not saying you are a bad person or you did any of this intentionally. I still want to be with you. I just want to learn from my past mistakes and address things when they bother me. I need you to know how much you hurt me. I don’t believe it was intentional, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I did my best to try and give you a wonderful Christmas just to be abandoned on New Year’s. This is after you told me that I probably wouldn’t see you until February. I know there is distance. I know you have responsibilities. I’m not down playing those. But, when it’ll be over a month until I get to hold you, then we should make the most of the time we have. I appreciate you taking the time to read this. I would ask that you please take some time to re-read this letter. Allow yourself time to reflect. Then we can have a discussion. I am not trying to make your life more difficult. I just need more consideration from you.

***** the re-read and reflect really pissed me off***

***My response***

I am allowed to change my mind, I am allowed to leave. It was not a binding contract that I stay for New Years.

 I knew you were down I have kids I know when someone is sulking.

I have things I need to work on, one being communication- I was very clear with you in the beginning that i cant be all in, if you don't understand what it means, and were not sure you should have spoken up MONTHS ago! two- I did not voice very well that I did want to spend some time with my family too(which is my girlfriend) over the break.   it was a long break and for you to put on me that i should be with you for the whole break, while we are still getting to know each other  was a little much!

  I don't feel the same intensity you do- i don't want to be with just you everyday!!  I JUST GOT OUT OF A SITUATION WHERE I WAS HOME ALL DAY EVERYDAY BYMYSELF WITH A BABY!!!! (and guess what buddy being with a baby all day is pretty lonely)  ALL I GOT TO BE WAS A MOM!! so I guess with you it was nice having you see me as a person.  And yes its nice hanging out with you- BUT I STILL WANT FREE ME TIME TOO!! And guess what there is not much free me time!! im trying to figure out what I want and need, you say you don't want to complicate but you are! you want to make this a relationship so fast and I just cant right now!

  Part of the reason I left was because you made it way to heavy for me to stay. Yes, I intentionally left. I got very uncomfortable with how much you were putting on new years, and by your letter you just confirmed your feelings.  I don't feel like making any heavy decisions till my divorce has gotten started!! (key word started)  Its great that you are done and ready to move on, and want to flash us together all over instagram, but I feel stuck, I cant "move on" because I still have to deal with my ex so much right now.

about the tape-

you can say " i don't go seeking out tapes" as much as you want-  and try to throw it in my face as much as you want- it does not bother me because I do not care!!   If you want a girl that understands how long it took, how much work and effort it took, then please find a girl that has that interest!  If you want to be with someone everyday then please find that girl that is able. I cannot be there for you all the time.   Maybe its time to just give space I think you need to figure out what type of girl you really want, because the more you put on me the more I don't think Im right for you.

I was already with someone that compared me, told me what I should like, what I should be doing, sulked, and pouted. Also would not let me see friends- id like to see some friends and do things- and figure out what i like and would want.

Oh and another thing- I am not retarded I can read! I don't need to re-read, or be told to reflect asshole, or be given the definition of holidays and NEW years!! 

***

so ya i got a little rude in my email.  we have not spoken or anything since.

Questions-  i do need to get back to him I have his little space heater he was letting me use- its going to be expensive to mail it to him should i mail it?

Should i reach out? should I wait?  my friend says I should not do anything  and keep his space heater lol but im not that person...

anyway i think ill be looking for GIRLfriends for now on- im thinking about starting a divorce meetup group on facebook women only lol